Super particular about what *I* wear

[mrscookie]

I understand that my little boy (2.5yo) wants to have a say in what *he* wears, and I'm pretty flexible about that. His clothes don't have to match perfectly, he can wear several layers of shirts if he likes, or mismatched shoes, as long as that's safe. 

But what bugs me is that he is so obsessed with what *I* wear. Sometimes he doesn't want me to change out of what I've slept in and we've had long periods of crying and then finally agreeing that we could bring the pyjama pants with us in my bag, just in case. He's really upset if I want to use any bag other than the one that he likes, and on that one it's just not worth the upset to insist otherwise to me. Same with shoes. The other day we had 30 minutes of crying and begging me to go change my shoes because I was wearing some new sneakers that I had to wear because I'd hurt my foot and needed something supportive. 

My approach has been that I'm somewhat flexible and as a result I don't always wear my most preferred outfit or shoes or bags, but I can't go outside in pyjamas or if I'm really set on wearing something, I will (like when I finally fit in my jeans again, no I'm not wearing black stretchy pants!). 

He couldn't care less what anyone else wears. My guess is he cares about it with me, because we're very connected, even though I work part time. We co-sleep, nurse, and he still goes in the wrap quite a bit. He's also particular about other stuff, but it doesn't bug me as much. 

Does anyone else have this issued? I just don't know if I'm being too flexible and letting him be too controlling over what should be my choice, but it's just not worth all the tantrums we'd have to me to insist every time on the general rule that he can choose his clothes (within reason) and I can choose mine. Presumably he won't care anymore when he's 4 or 5, and I can live with it until then, but I don't want to create a control monster. For the most part, he is very sweet and polite, for a 2.5 year old. 

[crunchy_mommy]

We deal with a little of this, not as extreme as what you're describing, but it does extend into other areas besides what I'm wearing. Maybe it is them trying to figure out where they end and mama begins? Like your DS is so close to you that he's almost not sure what's you & what's him.

I just gently explain to him that it's my body and I get to make that choice. I am pretty firm about setting limits in this regard, because I cannot deal with anyone trying to control ME, I have issues. But I also want to teach him about bodily autonomy and boundaries, so that he will be more equipped to set his own limits about his own body, you know?

Another random thought though -- I wonder if him trying to choose your clothes is his way of saying he wants YOU to choose his clothes?? That the decision of what to wear is too much for him? Might be totally off there, but you could try it if you think it might help. My DS can't seem to deal with too many choices, so we usually choose his clothes but he chooses his shoes. He gets stressed out & weird if we let him choose everything.

[mrscookie]

Thanks for your thoughts. I do wonder whether I should be more firm about my right to choose my own clothes, shoes, bag, but it causes SO much upset, that I kind of pick my battles. 

I don't really think he wants me to pick his clothes for him. We usually just talk about a color or a specific outfit and either he has something already in mind, or we pick something out of the dryer or something. About a year ago he started not wanting me to just chose one thing, so I usually give him at least two or three choices, or if he already has a particular outfit in mind (usually something that he recently wore and that just got washed), we can just do that. 

[hildare]

could it be he associates particular clothing with certain activities and he's trying to avoid them?  like if mama changes out of pj's, that means we have to go somewhere? 

i'd be tempted to either pick two of my OWN outfits and let him help decide which one or else get dressed when he's asleep.  does the conflict still happen if you're already dressed or while you're changing?

[mrscookie]

i really think he just wants me to wear certain things and certain colors at certain times. like last night, he wanted me to wear white pyjama pants and a white shirt and pink socks, which i went along with, because i don't care that much about what i wear to bed. he was very pleased that my shirt matched my pants. if i wear very similar things during the day it's often not so much an issue with clothes, although he definitely freaked out when i tried to wear jeans again (but I insisted). He gets very upset at the thought of using any other bag other than one particular one and often has strong feelings about what shoes i wear too. like one time, when i told him a particular pair of pumas was at work, he insisted that he wanted us to walk to my work on a weekend to pick up those shoes so i could wear them. it cracks me up to write about it, but it can be hard sometimes to feel like i have to sneak into the shoes that i want to wear to avoid having a big upset, and to always have to use the same bag. i'm sure it'll pass. i just am torn between wanting to a) have a smooth day without tons of unnecessary upset and b) have him learn that there are boundaries and that i get to choose certain things, like my clothes and accessories. i do insist sometimes, but many times it's just not worth the upset to me. 

[CI Mama]

My DD has started doing some of this lately. Recently she insisted that I change my shirt. Then I wasn't allowed to lay down in bed next her at bedtime because I'd changed my shirt.

This is part of a larger pattern of her setting rules for both DP & I in a variety of settings. She seems to really enjoy defining the rule and then "enforcing" it. I think it's part of her quest for independence, and also trying to figure out how this rule-making stuff works. Who gets to make rules? Why do they get made? Who gets to enforce them? It's no surprise to me that she wants to get a piece of the action. She also started pre-school a few months ago and I think this is part of her exploration of that new social milieu.

It is often exhausting, however. Especially since we don't even know there's a rule until she's having a fit because we're violating it. I try to support her in making & testing some rules, but sometimes enough is enough. Though I suppose that's how she feels about me & all my rules!!!!