Talk to me about leaving my toddler (not for forever ;) ) Sorry it's long!

[bentlaj11]

DH and I have yet to leave DS (18 mo) w/ anyone other than each other. I never felt comfortable because I have this weird (unfounded) fear of abandonment, and I don't want DS to ever think that I'm gone for good. Plus he never took a bottle, so it was just easier to keep him with us and I just didn't want to leave him! We tried a couple of times leaving him in the church nursery when he was younger and it wasn't pretty! So, now that he's older and more independent both DH and I feel like he's showing some signs of readiness... he will play in another room with his grandma/pa and cousins for awhile (and not come looking for us). He will willingly go up to other people (people that he knows, but would never go up to before) and try to drag them to where he wants to go. I'm still scared to leave him, but I'm excited that he's getting more independent (and I would love go to the movies with DH again!). How do I know when he's really ready? When do they (toddlers) know that you can leave, but will come back again. I know lots of babies/kids do fine with their parents leaving for work, dates, etc., and most people (including my parents) think it's weird that we haven't left him yet. Any advice? Does anyone think 18 mo is still too young? I was fully expecting for him/me not to be ready to leave him until closer to age 3 when I think he will understand better, but maybe I am just weird :)

[hildare]

i don't think it's weird to not have left your lo with anybody.  we didn't really leave dd with anybody other than us, either.  her grandma has watched her a few times, and when dh & i were both working, for three months we left her with a friend one day a week for a few hours.  that's all, though. 

i'd never left dd at night before.. but last night i had to attend a professional function until pretty late, i was SO worried that she'd wonder where i was, etc.  but she was totally fine, and she went to sleep...  what we did was have dh take her to her pawpaw's (her grandfather's) so that she wouldn't have the routine of anticipating me getting home (i woh and dh is a sahd).  it went well for us. 

all you can do is try, but sounds like all of you seem ready to have it go well.

[Asiago]

I would follow your instincts as you are doing. You seem keenly aware of the changes in your child and his growing security and confidence. You and your husband have taken the time to build a strong foundation of trust for your child so that he feels comfortable and safe exploring the world. I would bet that when the time is right to leave him that it will no longer be a question for you.

[McGucks]

OP, guess we're in the weird club together!  I actually did a post on this months ago...I was getting a lot of criticism for not leaving our LO (now 14 months) with my ILs  FIL didn't care since they see him about 1x/wk., but it was (and still is) an issue with MIL.  I have not left him, except for with DH (for an hour at most).  It just doesn't feel right for me.  I think our son would likely be okay, but if it doesn't feel okay to me, I am not doing it.  I have gotten criticism from nearly everyone about this...close friends, DH's family, neighbors, you name it.  For the most part, I don't really care.  MIL still brings it up with regularity, and I remind her that we are not doing sitters for awhile...that it's not like we leave him with other people as opposed to her...etc.  DH backs me up on it, which is important as far as my feelings on the matter.  I don't think he'd have a problem with taking DS to MILs for an hour or two if FIL was also there, but I'm just not ready and also don't like some of what I have seen over there.

In short, I agree with the other posters who said you are doing fine to pay attention to your child and follow your instincts.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't think it's weird but I have not yet left my 28mo.

I think if your DS is showing signs of readiness AND you have someone you trust, do it! It does sound like you're ready, he's ready, etc.

I don't know what my criteria will be for leaving DS. I think he is starting to get to a place where he may be ready soon, but we do not have anyone I would trust. I mean, I have a couple friends with kids the same age and I would trust them but I wouldn't ask them to do it except in a true emergency. I don't trust any local family and I'm not comfortable yet with a stranger (college student or whatever) babysitting him yet because he has some issues. So I am resigned to no kid-free dates with DH indefinitely -- but we are OK with that.

Listen to your heart. If you are still nervous but want to try it, you could always work up to it -- run a quick errand or go on a short walk with DH or whatever, see how he does, then increase the time/distance as much as you're comfortable.

[BeachMinded]

Our DS will be 3 in September and we haven't left him with anyone yet.  You're not weird at all. :-)  In our case, we don't have family that even comes close to respecting our parenting philosophies, and care by a non-family member is not an option we are willing to consider at this point.  We haven't gotten to a place where we desire time away from him at all though, so it hasn't really been an issue thus far.  We love our "family date nights".  I totally get that other people do not feel the same way however, and would reckon that you know your bub best.  If you think he's ready, you and DH are ready, and you have a caregiver that you trust... go for it and enjoy your time!  If the answer to any of those is no, don't feel weird and ignore the comments.  You know you're working on that secure attachment that, while out of the norm and considerably more work than mainstream parenting, will give your young man great advantage for the whole of his life!

[Peony]

I think DD1 was 2.5, maybe closer to 3 before we left her with grandma for a couple hours to grab some lunch. She knew her grandma very well and played over there with me often, I don't think she ever noticed we were gone. I wasn't ready before then and I don't think she was either. By the time she was 4, she was wanting sleepovers with auntie and grandma. My other kids have been left much earlier, but that is often that case with siblings. DD2 would go with grandma or auntie from 18 months on just fine but was very resistant to babysitters until she was 4 then she was fine. DS turned 2 in April and has been left with all sorts of people since he was a newborn, I do work part time now, he has never cared but that is his personality. He would go home with the mailman if I let him! He can wake up in the morning with a brand new sitter there and not care at all, I never ever could of thought about doing that with the girls. 

[gracemamma]

I'm about to start a thread about a similar question. DD is 23 mo and we just checked out a lovely montessori preschool that she really liked (3AMs/wk). But the owner said that its perfectly normal for kids to cry when they are being left and this just doesnt feel right to me. DD and I have a very strong attachment and I have worked hard at that since she was born. Suddenly leaving her if she is not ok with it seems ridiculous. I hear what posters are saying here about following the childs readiness and that makes perfect sense.

[Adaline'sMama]

I've left DD twice overnight with grandma. For me, everytime Ive ever left her I just try to make it quick and tidy drop off. I say byebye, hug, kiss, and walk out the door. I try not to call a ton. I make sure she has things that she would have at home (sleep sheep, her blanket, ect). She has been fine both times. In the morning when I went to pick her up, she was excited to see me. I never left her before a year, and Im glad I waited.

[Anna Phor]

My son is the same age as yours, and he knows that if I leave I'll come back at the end of the day--he knows because I've been going to work for 9h per day since he was 4 months old. But presumably he knows that if you leave the room, you'll come back, or if you run out to the store and he stays with daddy, you'll come back, and he knows daddy comes back, right? (assuming your husband works out of the house). We didn't leave him with a night-time sitter until he was more than a year old, so I get where you are coming from, though!

Could you start out short--maybe have grandma watch him for 45 minutes while you run out and grab a cup of coffee? And make sure you're within cell phone range so you can come back if you need to? Then you can figure out just how well he does hanging out with grandma.

[cocoanib]

Good question. DD went to daycare or my sisters for about 1 1/2hours a couple times per day, for a couple of months. She was never really comfy at the daycare, but did okay with my sister. Luckily DH's and I schedules have been worked out, so one of us is with her when the other is at work.

lately, I have been thinking that she maybe ready for a couple of hours of us both away while she's at IL's. She's alot more comfy over there and now I can walk outside or out of the room and she is fine with that. I was thinking that maybe we would maybe both leave the house for an hour or so and see how that goes. I know for sure she's not ready for an overnoght and neither am I, but we'll start small ad see how it goes.

BTW- you're not weird at all. I totally get where you are coming from. 

[bentlaj11]

Thanks everyone for the support and tips!! I definitely still have some doubts, so I'm not quite ready... just yet! Our niece's birthday is coming up this weekend, and my in-laws (which would be the people we left him with if we did go out) will be there. Although there will be lots of distraction (so it wouldn't be like a typical stay at the grandparents) it will give me more of chance to observe him in his growing independence. I knew there would be some like minded mamas/daddys here that have some good advice and that weren't in a big hurry to leave their LO's (unless of course it was necessity)! It's sometimes hard without IRL support (besides DH)  :) Thanks again!!