I flat out denied visitation. What happens now? - Page 2

[JBaxter]

OP... One of my best friends in the whole wide world has Aspergers.   She is a microbiologist , married and has 3 kids.   She has some quirky traits but is a wonderful person.  As far as I know Aspergers doesn't go away.

[mtiger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

Oh yes, this is what he always says. It's always someone else's fault, he can't help it, I make his life hard (because per the court stipulations I insist that he do all the traveling for any visits). I would hope that a reasonable court would ask why this "devoted" individual neer visited during the prior wo years when I was NOT denying visitation. Also, why he has not maintained child support or phone contact ever in this child's life. i mean, doesn't that make his motives at least a little suspect to someone with common sense?

The real question is - Can you PROVE any of your allegations? If not, it's he says/she says, and the court is likely to err on his side.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by Jeannine 

If you are presenting things accurately and he hasn't made other attempts to see his son; attempts you also denied/complicated/frustrated, then I understand why you don't want him to waltz back in at this point (and presumably walk back out).

oh no, not at all. In fact, when ds was about 6 months old, ex expressed an interest in being with ds, so I helped him move to my state, including using my own money, so that he could be near ds and spend time with him. I brought ds over to him, on the bus, every other day for several hours at a time. After 6 weeks he decided it was "too hard" (he didn't know how to wash clothes, cook, take care of himself in general and didn't want to learn, and I couldn't do everything for him) and went back to NY to live with his mother.

Then when ds was 1 year old he said he coul be a good dad/husband if I just would come to him. So I quit my job (stupidly) and moved back in with him, 6 hrs away from my home. within 2 weeks he was hitting me and about 6 weeks after moving in with him he raped and beat me in front of ds. At that time I called the police and left to a DV shelter.

In between and before and after those episodes I continued to honor the court order which stated that he could visit, supervised, in VA. He refused to come to VA and wanted me to bring ds to him, which I wouldn't do. I do have emails that demonstrate that.

Given my family's history, it's a little hard for me to just dismiss the whole "you have a court order that says 'reasonable' visitation" thing.  My DH had a court order saying his ex had to give him "reasonable" visitation, when he traveled to the state where his ex moved with their kid.  His ex unilaterally decided that - no matter what the court said - it was best for their son to have the "consistency" of spending all his time with her, without "interruptions" from DH.  She also justified this by saying DH was "abusive", although she never really clarified what he DID that was abusive, aside from continuing to try to visit their son.  

Two of the judges DH appealed to did not seem to care a whit what his ex did.  The 3rd judge gave DH sole legal and physical custody.

While I think that was the right decision (for myriad reasons), I do have some sympathy for DH's ex, who MUST have been as surprised as if an alien spaceship landed in her yard, when the court reacted so drastically, after having spent years acting like it was no big deal if she ignored their court orders.

So...a judge MIGHT object to your feeling entitled to decide on your own that what the court ordered is not in the best interest of your child.  Especially if your ex (and his support network) are crafty and try to say that the reason he hasn't seen the child all this time is that somehow you prevented it.

In your shoes, I'd ask an attorney whether it would be better to:

* Go ahead and alert the court about what's going on - that he hasn't exercised visitation (or paid support) in two years, so you'd like to pursue terminating his parental rights, for abandonment; esp. since your son has been diagnosed with some emotional problems and his therapist thinks it would exacerbate them, to reintroduce his father anytime soon;

OR

* Wait and see if your ex makes the effort (and spends the money) to go to court.  Maybe he won't.

Just to be clear, I do understand that your situation's different than ours.  Since your court orders say supervised custody, I assume the court actually determined your ex had been abusive.  Also, while my DH's ex was denying visitation, my DH was twisting himself into a pretzel, trying to spend time with his kid, not disappearing for 2 years.  I'm SURE no one would give your ex custody, over what you did.  I just do have some concern that you should square things with the court, not just hope your ex goes away again.

I just want to say that situations like yours make me very, very sad for everyone involved. I believe that fathers have the right to be involved and present in their kids' lives, even if they are not the most terrific people in the world, their children still have the right to know them. Even in light of all that my ex did I was still willing to allow him to visit ds in a healthy, supervised, controlled atmosphere. If my SO and I were to break up today, it goes without saying that BOTH of the kids would be spending equal amounts of time with both parents. He may not do everything the way I do it, but he is capable and loving and that is what matters.

It seems like the justice system just can't get it right.....it's more about how clever, persistent and careful you are than about actual parenting ability/motivations. I'm glad your dh finally was able to be the parent he wanted to be!

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 
It seems like the justice system just can't get it right.....it's more about how clever, persistent and careful you are than about actual parenting ability/motivations.

God knows that's the truth.

[GiJohnsGirl]

I would check your state's regulations. In the state of TN, if a man is not on the birth certificate then he has to declare paternity in a court of law - if he does not complete either one of these; then the man has no rights to the child -medical, visitation, nada. I personally don't think a biological father is important in a child's life. We have a blended family and my husband is more of a father than my son's biological father has EVER been. As long as their is a good parental role model or figure in that child's life, then they should be fine - it does not have to be a biological parent. I would not subject my child to an abusive setting to sustain a relationship with a poor parental figure. However, I would make sure it is in your rights and not violating the law (which does vary by state - another example is that for an interstate case it is determined by the state the father lives in my particular case).