DDCC - before I went on maternity leave I interviewed a woman for a job. I was visibly pregnant and as I was walking her out of the interview room she pointed at my belly and asked, "so, was it an accident?"
This is not appropriate at anytime, but at a JOB INTERVIEW??? What did she expect me to say, "yup, the condom broke!" I already knew I probably wouldn't hire her but that definitely clinched it!!! :)
well for me it has been "was it planned" definitely some in a curious way which is fine, others in a shocked/judgemental way.
But worse, i show early, even with dd1, and she is only 15 months now, loose abdominal tone so i look 4 months pg right now. My LLL leader who is also a physio said "OHHHH...baby sure got BIG!" and I'm like...uh...that's my intestines, baby is down here (pointing) actually that makes most people pretty squirmy lol.
I had a lot of "you're huge" even at 4-5 months pg last time and people saying i should lose weight but i was not overweight and simply carried all in front like a basketball. One person went on and on about how she hoped my baby wouldn't be huge. She was 8 lbs 6 oz even being 2 weeks overdue...and she was saying that at 6 months along! I tried to stave her off explaining every body and baby is different and she went on and on. I went from feeling proud of my body to ashamed after all these comments. It was really annoying. I went online on some compare your belly site and I was totally average, with many bigger and smaller bumps at same gestation...
Yes any comments about size are so rude and uninvited. I get told my belly looks small for how far along I am and even that makes me mad b/c the implication is that there is a "right" size for the baby to be and this is not it. Plus don't people realize women already deal with all kinds of feelings about their weight even without pregnancy?
well for me it has been "was it planned" definitely some in a curious way which is fine, others in a shocked/judgemental way.
But worse, i show early, even with dd1, and she is only 15 months now, loose abdominal tone so i look 4 months pg right now. My LLL leader who is also a physio said "OHHHH...baby sure got BIG!" and I'm like...uh...that's my intestines, baby is down here (pointing) actually that makes most people pretty squirmy lol.
I had a lot of "you're huge" even at 4-5 months pg last time and people saying i should lose weight but i was not overweight and simply carried all in front like a basketball. One person went on and on about how she hoped my baby wouldn't be huge. She was 8 lbs 6 oz even being 2 weeks overdue...and she was saying that at 6 months along! I tried to stave her off explaining every body and baby is different and she went on and on. I went from feeling proud of my body to ashamed after all these comments. It was really annoying. I went online on some compare your belly site and I was totally average, with many bigger and smaller bumps at same gestation...
Don't feel bad, I am 15 weeks pregnant wasnt really showing and a coworker told me that the reason i didn't look so big was because i had such big hips. Ouch
I have 5 kids and this is no 6 so obviously people just say whatever asinine crap they want...it's a good thing I'm pretty much a jerk anyway and I'm also sarcastic so I can give them some witty jerk of an answer back. This was not planned for us we actually weren't planning to have any more at all. I just get really pissed whenever people try to act like it's some serious tragedy and they feel so sorry for us and thats exactly how some people have acted so far and I just say something like yeah well how would you feel if something happened to the baby and it dies? Because I know I would feel really guilty and totally ashamed personally so maybe you should just be happy. That sounds really mean and harsh but I have a genetic blood clotting disorder that can cause miscarriage and stillbirth and there is a history of it so...I smack them up side the head with the reality of it all. I hate to say that but I make them feel as bad as they try to make me feel and I am tired of trying to make other people feel better whenever it has nothing to do with them in the first place. None of them help us in any way shape or form (financial or babysitting etc.) so I feel like they dont get to say anything. :-) ha aren't you glad you asked and I answered ;-) Sorry to be the debbie downer I just get tired of people mistreating me and others and I can only hold back so much. I offer people congrats when they are pregnant no matter what, because it's the right thing to do! I feel like I deserve the same.
Well, I'm a little stressed about finances since I haven't found new employment, but it is fantastic not working bar hours while I feel crappy. I do miss the money, but I'm sure my husband and I can make it work. I certainly feel good about not selling overpriced beer to pervy dudes so my crap boss can make a huge profit. That part feels great, actually.
Well then you should definitely find out about reporting them to the IRS. Whistleblowers get a percent (pretty high -- maybe 30%?) of whatever tax the IRS collects, and I think that includes penalties, etc. If they've been doing this for years, there's at least 3 years worth of taxes on all your similarly situated coworkers at stake...
DDCC
My favorite was the comment my elderly aunt used to make when she was waiting for me to get pregnant. She'd look at my (size 26) belly while saying goodbye and wish "to see you even more fat next time."
Sadly, the rudest, most upsetting comments have come from my family. Over the weekend my father, step-mother, and half-brother came to visit. Long story short, we're trying to repair our relationships. They flaked out on the wonderful Father's Day dinner I had made so they missed on the cute "we're having another baby" announcement. Yesterday, I stood up to greet them and my step-mom goes, "ARE YOU KNOCKED UP?" I was kinda speechless but composed myself and said, "I'm pregnant with our second child". My dad immediately says, "Oh, God...". The awkward silence ensued. After it was out many snide comments were made about my breasts, weight, and closeness of ages(not close at all IMO). I felt horrible :(. My mother's initial reaction to DS was "Oh, another Army wife breeder...how wonderful for your career". Needless to say, I don't have the most supportive family. My in-laws are wonderful, though :). I feel bad that so many women have to hear such damaging words during such a vulnerable time, but ya know...
Wow... I just had a ringer of a statement said to me by a really good friend of mine. She is physically unable to carry a baby. I understand that she's hurting and I'm trying to be as supportive and respectful as I possibly can. Recently it was slipped by DH that I'm pregnant and she was part of the group that found out. So after having a frustrating day at work today, she hits me with:
"I just don't understand why YOU deserve to have children and I can't!"
I guess I just don't know how to respond. I apologized and told her if it was in my power to reverse her condition, I would do anything (of course, it's true). I've even offered to be a surrogate for her and her DH in the past. I don't know what else to do, so she doesn't feel left out and so I don't feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.
I've got 4 friends who either can't get pregnant at all, or have lost their children in/shortly after childbirth. I feel like I WANT to be happy that I'm pregnant, but then I think about them and almost feel ashamed and I honestly didn't want to tell them until much later (grrrr to my DH). Yes, WHY do I deserve to be a mom (twice now) when these women would make fabulous mothers? They run the full spectrum...one is happy for me (though I know deep down, it's gotta be so hard to hear), one turned away and burst into tears, one told me she probably won't be around me much for a while (understandable), and then this friend... I know it can't be helped, but it's frustrating because I feel like just by existing, I'm rubbing it in their faces.
/vent
Oh, big hugs to you, Mama. 
That has got to be such a difficult position to be in. Please don't feel guilty for being a mother. It is *not* your fault that your friends cannot become pregnant. I know it is sad, but it does not make you a bad person, a greedy person, or a lousy friend just because you are a mama. Please be gentle with yourself and enjoy your pregnancy and your little one. Many blessings to you during this difficult transition. 
Wow... I just had a ringer of a statement said to me by a really good friend of mine. She is physically unable to carry a baby. I understand that she's hurting and I'm trying to be as supportive and respectful as I possibly can. Recently it was slipped by DH that I'm pregnant and she was part of the group that found out. So after having a frustrating day at work today, she hits me with:
"I just don't understand why YOU deserve to have children and I can't!"
I guess I just don't know how to respond. I apologized and told her if it was in my power to reverse her condition, I would do anything (of course, it's true). I've even offered to be a surrogate for her and her DH in the past. I don't know what else to do, so she doesn't feel left out and so I don't feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.
I've got 4 friends who either can't get pregnant at all, or have lost their children in/shortly after childbirth. I feel like I WANT to be happy that I'm pregnant, but then I think about them and almost feel ashamed and I honestly didn't want to tell them until much later (grrrr to my DH). Yes, WHY do I deserve to be a mom (twice now) when these women would make fabulous mothers? They run the full spectrum...one is happy for me (though I know deep down, it's gotta be so hard to hear), one turned away and burst into tears, one told me she probably won't be around me much for a while (understandable), and then this friend... I know it can't be helped, but it's frustrating because I feel like just by existing, I'm rubbing it in their faces.
/vent
conchobar, I had a couple friends like that and she pretty much insulted you and cared less about your feelings wow :-(. I stopped talking to the friends I had like that . What is funny is they were so miserable and rightfully so but they didn't even consider other people's feelings and they were so bitter and angry they took it out on others harshly. My friends also didnt even consider the fact that even though I had kids, I also had issues with my clotting disorder with pregnancy etc. lots of things happend to me in the past. I think you have to drop people like that as hard as it is, you shouldn't be the one to apologize, you did nothing wrong. I was extremely sensitive and kind to my friends with fertility problems too, I was supportive of them. I sent one especially cards and was always kind but she was always kind to me and never mistreated me so I was always very sympathetic to her we're still friends too btw. It got to the point where my one friend ( she had one child and then the fertility problems started) started treating me so bad that I finally got sick of it. I'm not your punching bag and I wont be, I am really sad for you but it is NO excuse to treat me like dirt just because you are having issues and that was the end of it I also told her that she was blessed to have a child too because many people dont even have one and cant have any. She went on to have two more kids later but she was so unhappy that she couldnt even see what she had and I am just now talking to her off and on but I have a hard time getting over people treating others that way when it's not their fault. I don't go around treating people bad when something bad happens or has happened to me, even though I could. I choose not to.
I'm a pretty shy person when I meet new people, but I have "outlandish" ideas about pregnancy, birth, and child-rearing (hence why I'm here), so I'm sure you can see how those two things are hard on me.
When I was pregnant with my first I was at a birthday party for someone I had never met before. So I was sitting and chatting with the birthday girl getting to know here when she asked me what I was having. I told her we didn't know, we were keeping it a surprise, not wanting to go into all the reasons we have for not getting ultrasounds. Another woman overheard that part of our conversation and loudly said to everyone, "Oh, that's just Lazurii, she's not going to get an ultrasound, she's WEIRD!" Needless to say the rest of the party was less than fun.
I'm a pretty shy person when I meet new people, but I have "outlandish" ideas about pregnancy, birth, and child-rearing (hence why I'm here), so I'm sure you can see how those two things are hard on me.
When I was pregnant with my first I was at a birthday party for someone I had never met before. So I was sitting and chatting with the birthday girl getting to know here when she asked me what I was having. I told her we didn't know, we were keeping it a surprise, not wanting to go into all the reasons we have for not getting ultrasounds. Another woman overheard that part of our conversation and loudly said to everyone, "Oh, that's just Lazurii, she's not going to get an ultrasound, she's WEIRD!" Needless to say the rest of the party was less than fun.
You should've given them a brief explanation of the dangers of u/s... They might still think you're weird, but maybe, just maybe, you'll open the eyes of one of the women, and that would be a step in the right direction.
With that said, I feel your pain! We told my in-laws today that I'm pregnant and now they want to tell their entire town! I don't want to share the news publicly yet because I haven't heard the hb (haven't even been to the midwife yet), and since I don't want u/s or doppler, I'm going to wait until a fetoscope can be used (I'm at 11 weeks right now). Well, they're sending pressuring e-mails about how the news might just "slip out"... You'd think they'd respect my decision to put my baby's safety before their social desires...
You should've given them a brief explanation of the dangers of u/s... They might still think you're weird, but maybe, just maybe, you'll open the eyes of one of the women, and that would be a step in the right direction.
I outlined it after that, but it turns out the birthday girl used to work in a pediatric office, so, yeah...
Congrats on your new little one! Sending vibes for a good strong heartbeat.
DDCC Technically if you were employed as an independent contractor, your "boss" (should be "customer") can't decide which hours you show up. Independent contractors have to be able to set their own schedules. Also, your work as a contractor can't provide for daily operations. As a business owner myself, I can have a contractor come in to do inventory, but I can't have one run the register on a daily basis.
So yeah it's definitely illegal and yeah it's tax evasion. A very, very common kind of tax evasion at that. And very simple to prove, too.
Technically I was employed there as an independent contractor, so it isn't illegal. My understanding is that independent contractors can be terminated at any time for any reason or no reason at all. It might be illegal that the owner has all his employees get separate business licenses and work as independent contractors. I don't think bar staff, door people & security can fall into that category. I'm fairly sure he does it to avoid paying payroll taxes. It would be pretty satisfying to report him to the department of labor and the IRS for tax evasion though. Maybe when the magical 2nd trimester comes around and I have energy to do more than feel nauseous I'll find out how I can report it.
I'd say the comment that bothered me the most came from my sister when I told the family on Mother's Day. Along with many rude comments, she informed me that a tumor could be another reason why a pregnancy test could be positive. My best friend died of cancer three years ago, so although I tried to brush it off, there was a part of me afraid until I had an early U/S and got to see my lil' pickle.
I'd say the comment that bothered me the most came from my sister when I told the family on Mother's Day. Along with many rude comments, she informed me that a tumor could be another reason why a pregnancy test could be positive. My best friend died of cancer three years ago, so although I tried to brush it off, there was a part of me afraid until I had an early U/S and got to see my lil' pickle.
Well, now that's just sick. :( Sorry you had to deal with that. :(
We finally told my MIL. She mentioned that I should be careful about the stuff I'm doing (slowly moving the non-heavy stuff out of my old home) because I'm "getting up there in age" and could "lose the baby." Um, I'm 30. Her other daughter in law is 38 and pregnant. And I would NEVER tell someone that I thought they could lose their baby.
We told her we were planning to have a homebirth, and she began her response with, "I have no problem with you having a homebirth..." We told her that was fine, since we weren't consulting her for an opinion. Then again, she also said I needed to teach my 6 year old to call her cell phone "in case of an emergency." When we asked what would constitute an emergency that required calling her, she said, "When you go into labor." She didn't particularly like that I responded with, "First I'll be calling my midwife, and then I'll be calling your son, and then I'll go back to being in labor and he can call whoever he feels like calling. And I'll be perfectly able to make a phone call when in labor. Going into labor isn't an emergency - the baby isn't going to fly out from between my legs and hit the wall in 30 seconds." This woman has had two children, albeit both by c-section, but she should know how this whole thing works!
Thanks Montessorimama1, I've been feeling pretty stressed out about her in my life.
Just wanted to comment on the infertility thing.
We had trouble conceiving this baby (over a year), but there are people who sadly try for even longer without success. It is a heartbreaking state in which to find yourself, cycle after cycle, month after month, and it is made all the more difficult by the reminders (pregnant bellies, little babies, etc) of what you don't have everywhere around you, like miracle fruit just out of reach. You feel sad, guilty, bitter, depressed, and a multitude of other emotions. Often you feel like if you see just one more pregnant woman, you will explode in agony. You find yourself thinking about how unfair the world is and how surely you deserve a baby more than they (whoever this faceless "they" is) do.
Yeah, it's not pretty. However, most of us would never actually say something mean to a pregnant woman; it just might take a bit of time to offer a "congratulations" because we have to go through a round of self loathing first.
And Conchobhar, you sound like a great friend and very sensitive to your friends who are suffering from infertility. You have absolutely no need to feel guilty that you are pregnant, and you sound like you understand how hard it is for them and why they may keep some distance for awhile (not because they hate you but because they are saddened by reminders of what they don't have).
Anyways, I thought I'd offer the infertility perspective now that I'm on the other side. Even I'm worried about hurting people who are having trouble conceiving, and I had trouble myself. There are so many of us, and you never know who they are of all the people around you.
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