Healing myself

[eggsandpancakes]

I'm not even sure if this post belongs on mothering, but i figure since it is affecting my mommy skills it was worth a shot. . . . for those of you coming out of really bad, crummy, hate-filled relationships when you were always in trouble even when you did exactly what he asked and he still was mad at you all the time: how long does it take before you can have fun with your babies or go somewhere or hang up laundry or cook or. . . without thinking to yourself "oh, he's going to be mad at me"? I do my best to use positive self-talk, and to acknowledge that i feel that way because i did live with so much anger for so long, but sometimes when i get tired its just a little much that i can't relax, even though now he's out of the house and we won't ever have to live under the same roof again.

Any good websites, books, personal wisdom on how to heal yourself in the aftermath?

[rubelin]

Honestly, I don't remember how long it took, but it wasn't that long, maybe a month or so before my daily stuff eased up and then a bit longer before the relaxed state was the norm and the worried part was just occasional and for the last couple of years it's only been when I had to deal with him about something big, like the taxes or CS changes when he was laid off.

Reading and posting here helped a lot, and I also do a LOT of personal development/ spiritual work to help me erase the stuff that kept me held into the bad relationship.

You'll find yourself again, the peace is in there, you just have to peel off the protective coating you wrapped yourself up in and dig for it 

[sparklefairy]

Keep with the positive self talk -- it really does help!

A concept that really helped me was "ownership" -- reframing his anger as his. So when I think, "He's going to be mad at me" then think "And he gets to be -- that's his right. He can have all the anger he wants, and it's nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." (Okay, I stole that last bit ...)

Some of it for me was also forgiving myself for staying for so long. My brain would go to "He's going to be mad... wait, no he isn't... and I'm thinking this now because I didn't leave sooner... it's my fault that I'm still thinking he'll be mad" if that makes sense. So then I would be sitting there criticizing myself for still being worried about someone being angry who wasn't there to be angry! So then I would be telling myself "I stayed as long as I needed to stay to know that I'd done all I could do, and now I get to make a different choice."

I think it also helped to move toward doing things that I was good at. I went back to school to get a degree to get a job, but I am very good at school, and the academic success helped me to see myself as capable and helped me to heal.

It also helped to give myself permission to be bad at things. Some of the things that he chose to be angry about are things that I truly suck at doing. When I didn't automatically do these things well after the split, it was easy to see that he was "right" -- but I needed to see myself as a worthy person even with my flaws. Yes, I do let paperwork pile up. Yes, it is unsightly. Yes, it is something that I would like to do better. Yes, he was right about all of that. That doesn't mean that he was right to scream, call me names, throw the paper at me. And once I knew that bothered him, it didn't mean that I had to fix it all absolutely right now or become deserving of more screaming/name calling/throwing.

I hope that helps -- it helped me to write :-)