Preparing toddler for adopting a baby

[Katc8910]

Our adopted daughter is 21 months and we are starting the process to adopt again. We are pursuing a private domestic adoption (same as our DD). I would like to begin preparing her for a new baby, but am unsure how to proceed. We just started talking about adoption with DD, but she's really too young to understand. How do we introduce the idea of a new baby when so much is uncertain. Do we talk to her about it as soon as we are in an adoption plan? So much is uncertain at that point. We travelled out of state when DD was born. I would love for her to come with us when we travel for the new baby's birth. But there is always the possibility that the birth mom will choose to parent the baby. It would be hard enough for us to deal with that. How would we explain that to DD - esp if the baby is with us for a few days and the birth mom changes her mind? I'd love to hear from others who have gone through this.

[excitedtobeamom]

We just adopted a newborn but our children were 7.5 and 5.5 when he came home.  We told them that the baby might be joining our family permanetly but that the birthparents had several days to make sure that was the best desicion for him.  My daugther had a hard time with this as she tried to understand that he might not stay but it was love at first sight for both my kids.  My son didn't seem to worry about it.  If they were toddlers I would have said that we are taking care of the baby but I would have talked about a new baby a lot before this.  Once the papers were signed I would tell the toddler that the baby was their brother/sister and make a big deal about it.  Keep it simple but truthful.  It is so hard to stay emotional "level" around the kids during this process.  Emotions are everywhere but we wanted it to be a happy time for the siblings.

[SundayCrepes]

Our son was 29 months when we were certified to adopt. We decided that we would only seek adoption until his 3rd birthday. We did not want a huge age gap plus we are older and didn't want to get even older. Since it seemed unlikely we would end up with a baby, we didn't want to tell him he would be a big brother in case it didn't happen. Plus, a child that young has little concept of time. Even if we were willing to stay on the adoption path for a long time, we didn't want to talk with him about an adoption that might not happen for a year or two. Plus, we worried what might happen if he thought we were keeping a baby that we ended up having to give back. We didn't want him to worry that he might be given back as well.

So we got some new baby books http://www.amazon.com/We-Have-Baby-Cathryn-Falwell/dp/0395739705/ref=sr_1_17?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1307947740&sr=1-17  http://www.amazon.com/New-Baby-Paperstar-Fred-Rogers/dp/0698113667/ref=pd_sim_b_13 http://www.amazon.com/My-New-Baby/dp/0859539741/ref=sr_1_36?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1307947888&sr=1-36 We read the books as part of the normal rotation of books. It introduced the idea of babies without making it into a big deal. Also, whenever I could get my hands on a baby, I'd let my son see me holding it.

Our son was 32.5 months when we got a call about a baby less than 1.5 hours old. Our friend came over to babysit while we went to the hospital. We told him that we were going to go help someone. Once we met our daughter to be (I started nursing her at 6 hours) my husband went home and got our son. He told him I was taking care of a baby. He was uncertain when he came into the hospital room (they gave us a room to ourselves. Birthmom left the hospital at 6 hours.) He started taking pictures of her foot, but wanted little to do with her. Then she wanted to nurse. He was still nursing. I asked him if he wanted to nurse at the same time and he said, "Baby first." I think he fell in love with her when he saw her nurse. He certainly was much more comfortable with her after that.

I stayed with the baby and my husband took our son home. That was the first, and only, time we have been apart at night and he did fine. We told him we were bringing the baby home the next day because she needed someone to take care of her. Birthmom signed the papers at 72 hours. However, it was an unknown birthfather. Even though it was unlikely anyone would show up, we told our son we were taking care of her during that entire period. People would naturally ask him if she was his little sister or if he was the big brother. That was weird for me. I would tell them we were just taking care of her. I'm sure it was weird for them if they saw me nurse her.

Once the father's rights were terminated at day 70, we continued telling him we were taking care of her until we got a finalization date. (I just wanted to be so cautious.) We were lucky and finalized when she was 3 months 1 week. When we got the date we told him that we were going to keep her and she would be his sister. We finalized at national adoption day in the park. Lots of fun games and such for our son. Afterwards we asked him if he had a good time. He said, "Yes. I'm glad we got Baby, but I don't want to do that again." (He's always been very verbal.)

When he was 3, he started being aggressive towards the baby. We don't know if it was the suddenness of her arrival, my parenting style, his general 3 year oldness, or what. Looking back I just don't think I would have prepared him any differently. We didn't know if or when we'd get a baby. We didn't know if she'd stay or not (for a very long time.) I just don't see how a child that age could understand the uncertainties of adoption. Like I said earlier, my biggest fear was that we would have to give back a baby and he would worry that would happen to him as well.

He is 5.5 and she is almost 3. An out of town friend saw them last night and commented on how tender our son is with our daughter. Today when we went for a ride and they rode their bikes, he would get so far from us then stop her to wait so they didn't get too far away. When she got hurt this afternoon he cooed to her as I do when she's hurt. He is a tremendous big brother. And she copies everything he does. It is a joy to watch.

[Katc8910]

Excitedtobeamom - congratulations on the new baby! How wonderful for you and your family!

I think that telling our DD that we are taking care of the baby is probably the best approach. She's too young to understand adoption and if the baby does not end up staying with us, it will be easier to explain than if we prepare her for a new sibling and then have to say goodbye.

Enjoy your family!

[Katc8910]

SundayCrepes,

Thank you for sharing your story. I loved reading about how your son met his baby sister!

I think you make a very valid point - that we need to be careful that our DD doesn't think someone can take her away from us. We will definitely have to be mindful of that. Thanks for the book suggestions - they're in my Amazon cart!

Which state do you live in? We are in NJ, but are not looking to adopt in-state. Adoption laws here are not the best. Even with an out of state adoption, it took 3 months to terminate birthfather's rights (birth mom did a judicial surrender at 72 hrs) and DD was 9 mo when the adoption was finalized.

Reading about your kids growing up together makes me so excited to adopt again. I can't wait to see our DD with a brother or sister!

BTW - I think it's great that you nursed your DD. I wasn't able to do that, but we were able to get donated breast milk so she only had formula at the hospital for the first 24 hrs of her life. As soon as she was released to us, we gave her breast milk and she never had formula again. We were very blessed that so many generous mamas donated their extra milk to DD. A few even pumped especially for her. I will never be able to adequately thank them.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by Katc8910 

SundayCrepes,

Thank you for sharing your story. I loved reading about how your son met his baby sister!

I think you make a very valid point - that we need to be careful that our DD doesn't think someone can take her away from us. We will definitely have to be mindful of that. Thanks for the book suggestions - they're in my Amazon cart!

Which state do you live in? We are in NJ, but are not looking to adopt in-state. Adoption laws here are not the best. Even with an out of state adoption, it took 3 months to terminate birthfather's rights (birth mom did a judicial surrender at 72 hrs) and DD was 9 mo when the adoption was finalized.

Reading about your kids growing up together makes me so excited to adopt again. I can't wait to see our DD with a brother or sister!

BTW - I think it's great that you nursed your DD. I wasn't able to do that, but we were able to get donated breast milk so she only had formula at the hospital for the first 24 hrs of her life. As soon as she was released to us, we gave her breast milk and she never had formula again. We were very blessed that so many generous mamas donated their extra milk to DD. A few even pumped especially for her. I will never be able to adequately thank them.

We live in Arizona. There is  only one agency here that will work with non-religious (probably non-Christian) families. We had a lot of problems with that agency so we parted ways. We couldn't afford an agency out of state. We got certified by an agency that does all adoption services except matching. Then we had to find our own baby. We did www.parentprofiles.com (which was good because we could include that link in all our advertising.) One Tuesday morning I mailed 112 letters to obstetricians around the state stating we were interested in adopting. Five days later (yes, you read that right. 5 days later) one of them called us about our daughter. Talk about a shocking experience. On top of it all, she looks just like me.

Great to hear about you using donor milk. Did you use a lactaid? I had to use a minimal amount of donor milk. At a year I gave away all my donor milk to another newborn and switched to cow's milk. She will be 3 in less than 2 months and she is still nursing. At sleep time and upon awakening we still use a supplementer, but during the day when it's all about comfort we just nurse.

[Katc8910]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes 

We live in Arizona. There is  only one agency here that will work with non-religious (probably non-Christian) families. We had a lot of problems with that agency so we parted ways. We couldn't afford an agency out of state. We got certified by an agency that does all adoption services except matching. Then we had to find our own baby. We did www.parentprofiles.com (which was good because we could include that link in all our advertising.) One Tuesday morning I mailed 112 letters to obstetricians around the state stating we were interested in adopting. Five days later (yes, you read that right. 5 days later) one of them called us about our daughter. Talk about a shocking experience. On top of it all, she looks just like me.

Great to hear about you using donor milk. Did you use a lactaid? I had to use a minimal amount of donor milk. At a year I gave away all my donor milk to another newborn and switched to cow's milk. She will be 3 in less than 2 months and she is still nursing. At sleep time and upon awakening we still use a supplementer, but during the day when it's all about comfort we just nurse.

OMG - our daughter was born in Arizona! We did a private adoption, got certified by an agency in NJ and then did our own search. We had an adoption attorney in NJ and there was an attorney who represented our birth mom in AZ.

What an amazing story about your DD! We had 2 week's notice before DD was born. It was such a whirlwind, getting baby stuff ready, plane tickets, hotel, car rental, etc.

We should email privately and exchange stories! I'm sure no one else is interested in all of this.

No, I did not use a lactaid. Seemed too overwhelming at the time.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by Katc8910 

OMG - our daughter was born in Arizona! We did a private adoption, got certified by an agency in NJ and then did our own search. We had an adoption attorney in NJ and there was an attorney who represented our birth mom in AZ.

What an amazing story about your DD! We had 2 week's notice before DD was born. It was such a whirlwind, getting baby stuff ready, plane tickets, hotel, car rental, etc.

We should email privately and exchange stories! I'm sure no one else is interested in all of this.

No, I did not use a lactaid. Seemed too overwhelming at the time.

When we were trying to adopt it always helped me to hear other people's stories. It gave me hope that maybe someday it MIGHT happen to us. But please pm me.

Our story was a bit more remarkable:

     I found out I was pregnant with our son the Thursday before Mother's Day 2005. We were certified to adopt the Thursday before Mother's Day 2008. (I had always said certification is equivalent to a positive pregnancy test.)

     In August 2008:

     On Monday I stuffed envelopes with our Dear Doctor letters. I sang to our baby the way I had to our son while I was pregnant and the way I had to our adoptive baby for months. Except this time I knew our baby heard us.

     On Tuesday I mailed letters to 112 obstetricians.

     On Wednesday my husband said he was cutting off his hair because he felt a change coming. (He always cuts his hair off to bring about change.) He didn't know if it was a baby, only that change was coming.

     On Thursday I figured I better organize our baby stuff just in case we got a sudden placement. I didn't believe it would happen, but I spent 12 hours organizing 32 months worth of baby stuff that had just been shoved into bags in the closet as our son outgrew them.

     On Sunday we got the call about our baby. I grabbed the bags of newborn summer clothes, receiving blankets, and the carseat and headed to the hospital. As I said before, I was amazed that she looked just like me.

Now that you've been a mom before, I encourage you to consider a lactaid. Or even doing the Newman protocol to start making your own milk. I pumped for 11 months and stored enough milk to fill a small freezer. Sadly when our baby was a month old we had a freezer incident and I lost 75% of my stored milk. However, I still got her to 5 months using only my freshmade milk and my frozen milk. At 5 months I started using a couple ounces of donor milk each day. The lactaid is super easy to use (once you get used to it.) Even if you don't do the Newman protocol you may still make some milk just through the stimulation of baby at breast. And baby gets all the bonding and oral benefits of nursing.

[Katc8910]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes 

When we were trying to adopt it always helped me to hear other people's stories. It gave me hope that maybe someday it MIGHT happen to us. But please pm me.

Our story was a bit more remarkable:

     I found out I was pregnant with our son the Thursday before Mother's Day 2005. We were certified to adopt the Thursday before Mother's Day 2008. (I had always said certification is equivalent to a positive pregnancy test.)

     In August 2008:

     On Monday I stuffed envelopes with our Dear Doctor letters. I sang to our baby the way I had to our son while I was pregnant and the way I had to our adoptive baby for months. Except this time I knew our baby heard us.

     On Tuesday I mailed letters to 112 obstetricians.

     On Wednesday my husband said he was cutting off his hair because he felt a change coming. (He always cuts his hair off to bring about change.) He didn't know if it was a baby, only that change was coming.

     On Thursday I figured I better organize our baby stuff just in case we got a sudden placement. I didn't believe it would happen, but I spent 12 hours organizing 32 months worth of baby stuff that had just been shoved into bags in the closet as our son outgrew them.

     On Sunday we got the call about our baby. I grabbed the bags of newborn summer clothes, receiving blankets, and the carseat and headed to the hospital. As I said before, I was amazed that she looked just like me.

Now that you've been a mom before, I encourage you to consider a lactaid. Or even doing the Newman protocol to start making your own milk. I pumped for 11 months and stored enough milk to fill a small freezer. Sadly when our baby was a month old we had a freezer incident and I lost 75% of my stored milk. However, I still got her to 5 months using only my freshmade milk and my frozen milk. At 5 months I started using a couple ounces of donor milk each day. The lactaid is super easy to use (once you get used to it.) Even if you don't do the Newman protocol you may still make some milk just through the stimulation of baby at breast. And baby gets all the bonding and oral benefits of nursing.

You're right - It was helpful to me too reading other people's stories It's just that we got pretty far off the original topic - how to prepare a toddler...

Your story truly is remarkable! She was truly meant to be your child. I feel like that with our DD too. We had two adoptions that didn't work out and it was very emotional and difficult to deal with. BUT, it was all meant to be so that we could find OUR daughter. Had either of those situations worked out, we would have never met her and I cannot imagine my life without her. What we said when things were hard was "this is not our baby," but our baby is out there. As simple as that sounds, it really helped. And looking back, i know we were right - those were not our babies, but she is!

I considered adoptive nursing, but i have to take medication for a chronic condition and I just didn't feel comfortable nursing while on it. But I will look at the lactaid again.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by Katc8910 

I considered adoptive nursing, but i have to take medication for a chronic condition and I just didn't feel comfortable nursing while on it. But I will look at the lactaid again.

If the medicine is not safe for the baby, do not use a lactaid. You could start making milk and the baby could get the medicine.

This is the best source I know for medication safety while nursing: http://www.amazon.com/Medications-Mothers-Milk-Lactational-Pharmacology/dp/098233799X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308205271&sr=8-1

[Katc8910]

No, I meant that I'd look into the Lactaid for use with donated breast milk (I def. don't want provide the milk myself).

I didn't think it was that easy to start lactating, but if it is, then the lactaid is def out.
Edited by Katc8910 - 6/16/11 at 7:10pm

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by Katc8910 

No, I meant that I'd look into the Lactaid for use with donated breast milk (I def. don't want provide the milk myself).

I didn't think it was that easy to start lactating, but if it is, then the lactaid is def out.
 

Some women will start lactating with just putting the baby to breast. Some will just make a bit of milk, others can get to full supply. If there is a problem with baby getting medication through your milk, don't use a lactaid or any other supplementer.