or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › At what age should DD no longer see DH naked?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

At what age should DD no longer see DH naked?

post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 

Just wondering at what age it becomes inappropriate for DD to see DH naked.  We're really relaxed about nudity and bodily functions while at home, and my mom made a comment the other day when I mentioned that my 16mo DD got in the shower with DH.  I happened to be in the bathroom at the same time (naked as well, as DD and I bathe together), but even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.  We rarely close the door when using the bathroom, so DD also always sees us at those moments.  Plus, we cosleep, and usually sleep in some degree of nudity.  Does anybody else think we need to start focusing more on modesty?  If not, at what age should we start being more careful of what she sees?  My father never let us see him nude, so I guess I just don't have anything to judge by.

post #2 of 47

For me, when the kid expresses that it's an issue (or shows signs of it bothering him/her), that's when I discuss it.  With the kid.  I feel it's no one else's business.  I can be naked in my own home all I want and my kids can, too, and we can talk about it if any of us feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

 

When I was married, the X and I talked about it and he began covering his genitals when *he* became uncomfortable with it.  If he had never become uncomfortable, I certainly would not have suggested he cover up.  I think nudity is natural and fine. 

 

When my now 12 yo told me that he didn't like me walking around naked when he was 8 yo, we talked about it and I told him that I felt like I should be able to be naked in my own house and so should he, but if he was uncomfortable with nudity, then *he* should cover up, not try to control what I do with my body.  He agreed that that sounded reasonable and I bought him a bathrobe and from then on, he always had on clothes or his bathrobe when he was in the house.  I still roamed around naked from time to time (cuz I didn't do it all the time to begin with) and he was never uncomfortable again. 

 

In our home, we've always had an understanding that you can cover up if you want, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't be naked.  Their bodies, their rules.  We all deserve to live how we feel most comfortable.  And, everything is up for discussion. 

 

Good luck!

post #3 of 47

OP - we didn't worry about it much while our kids were toddlers but we covered up more as our children got just a little older than that. It wasn't a big deal if we were at a change room for swimming or something. It wasn't a big deal for my dh to shave with a pair of shorts on and I just pulled on a robe. It wasn't a big deal. As our kids became more independent using the bathroom it was important to us to teach our children that they have a right to privacy in the bathroom and when getting dressed. If they invited us into their room or the bathroom that was fine - we didn't give the message that what they were doing or being naked was bad - but we didn't walk in on them and we taught them to do the same for us and each other. It is good to allow kids to develop a comfort with bodies but it is also important to allow them to develop healthy boundaries.

 

I disagree with the notion that an adult has the 'right' to be undressed whenever they feel like in their own home and if a child has a problem with it, they need to cover up. The child wasn't uncomfortable with his own nudity but someone else's! If someone else is yelling and hurting my ears, lowering my own voice isn't going to ease that discomfort if the other person keeps yelling. It is developmentally normal for an 8 year old to be uncomfortable seeing an undressed parent and covering up his own nudity does not address that discomfort. I think children, especially as they get older, also have a right not to see adult nudity in their own home. It doesn't sound like everyone has the right to live how they feel most comfortable in your house. Walking around undressed might make you feel comfortable but your child let you know that it makes him uncomfortable and it sounds like your reply told him there was no point challenging that and so it was easier to just say it was fine rather than say what you didn't want to hear.

 

Eyes are also body parts - does the person whose eyes are uncomfortable with seeing adult nudity not get to make the rules for that part of their own body? When my kids were younger and we were teaching about boundaries and touching and so on, we included eyes as a part of their body to be respected. Not that they should never have to see anything they don't want to but that someone showing them private body parts or pictures of them that made them feel uncomfortable was just as inappropriate as touching them or being forced to touch someone else.


Edited by Shantimama - 6/13/11 at 10:07am
post #4 of 47

My dh was uncomfortable with our daughters seeing him nude, as he's actually their step-father(he adopted my 2 older girls when they were a baby and toddler). I would have had no problem with it and it did get annoying at times (daddy can go potty alone but not mama!) but you can't force people to not feel uncomfortable! If he'd been with the oldest from the time she was born it would have felt more normal to him, but she was a toddler so it wouldn't have felt so natural.

 

As for me, I took baths with my dad until I was past 5, and one day at Thanksgiving I announced to my mom's uppity family that my dad's penis was bigger than my new baby brother's penis, and he took that as a hint that it was time to stop! I feel there's no problem with kids seeing their parents nude, until one begins feeling uncomfortable. I do remember my brother, as he approached puberty, didn't want my mom walking around nude but she did anyway and I felt sorry for my brother. Now that he's grown, his own children were/are never allowed to see nudity or even go in their parent's bedroom, very odd to me. I only have daughters and my oldest is 16 and I walk through the house nude. They used to say, "Eww! Gross!" or block their eyes with their hands, but now I am pregnant and sensitive so they have stopped LOL

post #5 of 47

I'm sorry but if I told my parents that I was uncomfortable seeing them naked and they told me to cover up but they were going to continue prancing around, I'd be scarred for life, I'd move in with my fully clothed Aunt or something. 

post #6 of 47

What comes to my mind is people exposing themselves to children (at the bus stop, or a park or whatever). Yes it's different when it's your own home and own parents, but I feel it's teaching them other people have a right to be nude around them, and that's just not true. No one has a right to flash his genitals at my daughter at the park. I still walk through the house to get to my bedroom after a shower or trying to find clothes in the laundry room, my daughters have seen their grandmothers' chests a few times, but if they truely objected I would stop. I think it's very healthy to see bodies as normal but it seems around 8 or so, boys don't want to see their moms nude and I wouldn't force the issue because of what I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I would not want my children to get flashed by some stranger(or uncle, or anyone unwanted) and feel dirty from it, because "people have a right to be nude". As an adult, they will understand intent but as a child not so much!

post #7 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by mt_gooseberry View Post

Just wondering at what age it becomes inappropriate for DD to see DH naked.  We're really relaxed about nudity and bodily functions while at home, and my mom made a comment the other day when I mentioned that my 16mo DD got in the shower with DH.  I happened to be in the bathroom at the same time (naked as well, as DD and I bathe together), but even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.  We rarely close the door when using the bathroom, so DD also always sees us at those moments.  Plus, we cosleep, and usually sleep in some degree of nudity.  Does anybody else think we need to start focusing more on modesty?  If not, at what age should we start being more careful of what she sees?  My father never let us see him nude, so I guess I just don't have anything to judge by.



Either you or your little one will give off signals that they find certain nudity uncomfortable and I think that should be respected.  I am trying to think when that happened in my house and I think it was around 4-6. It varies a bit from kid to kid and amongst adults.  It is not your mom's call, though, so I would put her comments out of your head.

post #8 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by princesstutu View Post

For me, when the kid expresses that it's an issue (or shows signs of it bothering him/her), that's when I discuss it.  With the kid.  I feel it's no one else's business.  I can be naked in my own home all I want and my kids can, too, and we can talk about it if any of us feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

 

When I was married, the X and I talked about it and he began covering his genitals when *he* became uncomfortable with it.  If he had never become uncomfortable, I certainly would not have suggested he cover up.  I think nudity is natural and fine. 

 

When my now 12 yo told me that he didn't like me walking around naked when he was 8 yo, we talked about it and I told him that I felt like I should be able to be naked in my own house and so should he, but if he was uncomfortable with nudity, then *he* should cover up, not try to control what I do with my body.  He agreed that that sounded reasonable and I bought him a bathrobe and from then on, he always had on clothes or his bathrobe when he was in the house.  I still roamed around naked from time to time (cuz I didn't do it all the time to begin with) and he was never uncomfortable again. 

 

In our home, we've always had an understanding that you can cover up if you want, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't be naked.  Their bodies, their rules.  We all deserve to live how we feel most comfortable.  And, everything is up for discussion. 

 

Good luck!


Seriously?
 

 

post #9 of 47


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by princesstutu View Post

For me, when the kid expresses that it's an issue (or shows signs of it bothering him/her), that's when I discuss it.  With the kid.  I feel it's no one else's business.  I can be naked in my own home all I want and my kids can, too, and we can talk about it if any of us feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

 

When I was married, the X and I talked about it and he began covering his genitals when *he* became uncomfortable with it.  If he had never become uncomfortable, I certainly would not have suggested he cover up.  I think nudity is natural and fine. 

 

When my now 12 yo told me that he didn't like me walking around naked when he was 8 yo, we talked about it and I told him that I felt like I should be able to be naked in my own house and so should he, but if he was uncomfortable with nudity, then *he* should cover up, not try to control what I do with my body.  He agreed that that sounded reasonable and I bought him a bathrobe and from then on, he always had on clothes or his bathrobe when he was in the house.  I still roamed around naked from time to time (cuz I didn't do it all the time to begin with) and he was never uncomfortable again. 

 

In our home, we've always had an understanding that you can cover up if you want, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't be naked.  Their bodies, their rules.  We all deserve to live how we feel most comfortable.  And, everything is up for discussion. 

 

Good luck!


Hold on.  Your kid tells you that he is uncomfortable seeing you naked, and you tell him that it's basically his problem, and he shouldn't try to control your body?  Are you serious?

 

post #10 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by princesstutu View Post

For me, when the kid expresses that it's an issue (or shows signs of it bothering him/her), that's when I discuss it.  With the kid.  I feel it's no one else's business.  I can be naked in my own home all I want and my kids can, too, and we can talk about it if any of us feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

 

When I was married, the X and I talked about it and he began covering his genitals when *he* became uncomfortable with it.  If he had never become uncomfortable, I certainly would not have suggested he cover up.  I think nudity is natural and fine. 

 

When my now 12 yo told me that he didn't like me walking around naked when he was 8 yo, we talked about it and I told him that I felt like I should be able to be naked in my own house and so should he, but if he was uncomfortable with nudity, then *he* should cover up, not try to control what I do with my body.  He agreed that that sounded reasonable and I bought him a bathrobe and from then on, he always had on clothes or his bathrobe when he was in the house.  I still roamed around naked from time to time (cuz I didn't do it all the time to begin with) and he was never uncomfortable again. 

 

In our home, we've always had an understanding that you can cover up if you want, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't be naked.  Their bodies, their rules.  We all deserve to live how we feel most comfortable.  And, everything is up for discussion. 

 

Good luck!


"And he was never uncomfortable again"?

More likely he never brought it up again because he didn't get listened to the first time.
post #11 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by princesstutu View Post

For me, when the kid expresses that it's an issue (or shows signs of it bothering him/her), that's when I discuss it.  With the kid.  I feel it's no one else's business.  I can be naked in my own home all I want and my kids can, too, and we can talk about it if any of us feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

 

When I was married, the X and I talked about it and he began covering his genitals when *he* became uncomfortable with it.  If he had never become uncomfortable, I certainly would not have suggested he cover up.  I think nudity is natural and fine. 

 

When my now 12 yo told me that he didn't like me walking around naked when he was 8 yo, we talked about it and I told him that I felt like I should be able to be naked in my own house and so should he, but if he was uncomfortable with nudity, then *he* should cover up, not try to control what I do with my body.  He agreed that that sounded reasonable and I bought him a bathrobe and from then on, he always had on clothes or his bathrobe when he was in the house.  I still roamed around naked from time to time (cuz I didn't do it all the time to begin with) and he was never uncomfortable again. 

 

In our home, we've always had an understanding that you can cover up if you want, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't be naked.  Their bodies, their rules.  We all deserve to live how we feel most comfortable.  And, everything is up for discussion. 

 

Good luck!

That's really disturbing to me.
post #12 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by princesstutu View Post

 

In our home, we've always had an understanding that you can cover up if you want, but you don't have the right to tell other people they can't be naked.  Their bodies, their rules.  We all deserve to live how we feel most comfortable.  And, everything is up for discussion. 

 

 


I sort of get what you are saying, but think you have taken it too far.

 

For example - I have the right to wear a bikini in public if I want, and if you think my size 14 body should not be in a bikini that is just too bad!  I also have the right to nurse in public, wear ugly clothes etc....

 

It really is your problem if you are offended for the most part by what I wear.  

 

However, if your son is telling you he is uncomfortable, I think you should listen.  The possible negative consequences of not following through on his request is probably higher than following through.  It is important to teach children that if they are uncomfortable with something they should speak up and ask for change. It was not an unreasonable request.  I think honouring boundaries he is asking for is more important that your desire to go in the buff.

 

I also think teaching children that people do have the right to wear what they want is pretty easy.  The world is full of judgment about how people dress - you can always comment on that when it comes up.

 

I do get that your son is now 12 and may very well be Ok with how things transpired.  I am simply putting the rest out there for anyone else reading or thinking about this topic.

 

 

 


Edited by purslaine - 6/13/11 at 11:20am
post #13 of 47

 

Quote:

he was never uncomfortable again.  

 

Or since you shot him down with some weirdness about how it was HIS problem he was embarrassed and never brought it up again.

post #14 of 47

how amazing that your kid was willing and able to talk to you about your nudity making him uncomfortable. i mean, wow, how mature of him. it's really too bad you shot him down and now he has to deal with his uncomfortable feelings about it in silence. who knows how he is really feeling now. i imagine he wouldn't tell you.

post #15 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shantimama View Post

 

I disagree with the notion that an adult has the 'right' to be undressed whenever they feel like in their own home and if a child has a problem with it, they need to cover up. The child wasn't uncomfortable with his own nudity but someone else's! If someone else is yelling and hurting my ears, lowering my own voice isn't going to ease that discomfort if the other person keeps yelling. It is developmentally normal for an 8 year old to be uncomfortable seeing an undressed parent and covering up his own nudity does not address that discomfort. I think children, especially as they get older, also have a right not to see adult nudity in their own home. It doesn't sound like everyone has the right to live how they feel most comfortable in your house. Walking around undressed might make you feel comfortable but your child let you know that it makes him uncomfortable and it sounds like your reply told him there was no point challenging that and so it was easier to just say it was fine rather than say what you didn't want to hear.

 

Oh my!  Totally agree with this.  If my dad had done that to me, I would have absolutely considered it abusive.  Poor kid probably never felt "comfortable" with mom's nudity...just realized that he had tried to change it and wasn't able to.  WOW

post #16 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

Oh my!  Totally agree with this.  If my dad had done that to me, I would have absolutely considered it abusive.  Poor kid probably never felt "comfortable" with mom's nudity...just realized that he had tried to change it and wasn't able to.  WOW



yeahthat.gif

 

What kind of a message is this sending to him about respecting other people's boundaries? Or feeling safe about talking to someone when they are uncomfortable? I can't even believe this. If your 8 year old daughter told you that she felt uncomfortable seeing an adult male in the family naked, would you tell her that she had no right to ask that and that SHE should make sure she is covered?

post #17 of 47

I think in general whenever parent or child show a sign of discomfort. For us DH is very modest in that area now that we have DD. He just doesn't feel comfortable with it. Before DD if he was allowed to walk around naked the minute he got home he would. But I had issues with it. I am sorry but I don't want his naked ass on the furniture. Other people have to sit there too. For me I am less modest with DD at this point. But we also don't bathe with DD at all. Just doesn't feel right to us so we don't. I have tired and it just takes more work then what its worth for me. I imagine if we have a boy I would start covering up more and more once they hit 3 or 4.But thats because that is what I am comfortable with. 

 

I think I was around 7 or 8 when I first said something to my dad about walking around in his underwear. After that he got a robe. I know I was a lot younger when he started kicking me out of the bathroom when he would shower.

 

  I had a friend in school whose mom and step dad were always naked. There thinking was my house my rules. Talk about weird when we would be at her house and seeing her step dad walk out to the living room naked as can be and just hold a conversation with us. 

 

I feel really bad for the above poster's son to be told to just suck it up. Because in some ways it could really create some problems in other areas of feeling comfortable with his own body or others. 

post #18 of 47

Well I think there is also something to be said for NOT waiting until a kid actively expressed discomfort about it before thinking about it. My dad and I shared a bed until I was about 10 and he slept naked until I offhandedly told my mom about it (they were divorced and split custody) and she HIT THE ROOF and told him to never do that again. It made me SUPER uncomfortable but I was a very sensitive and shy kid, and it would not have EVER occured to me to assert any sort of boundary. That was just "how it was" and that was that, in my mind. I just sucked it up.

 

In an ideal world, then yes, kids would be able to express discomfort (AND BE HEARD AND RESPECTED) and there you go. But I think it's irresponsible to wait until a child expressed discomfort. It might be too late at that point, yk?

 

Oh, and OP thank you for thinking about it. I think you are just fine for now and it will depend on a lot of factors. I don't have kids so I can't speak to it from that end but as a child I found that I started really feeling weird about around 7 or 8.

post #19 of 47

DH actually used to be a lot more paranoid about being naked in front of DD. Now she's 3, and he's realised she totally doesn't care (for now, at least), so he's loosened up a bit. We don't tend to wander around randomly naked, but if he's in the shower and she wanders into the bathroom, he doesn't freak out or anything; and he'll change clothes in front of her. It's a total non-issue.

 

I do remember being somewhat traumatised as a kid, when Mum would make me shower with her (for ease of washing my hair, which was a tad traumatic to begin with). I hated it, but was too shy to say anything - so I agree with a PP that a parent shouldn't necessarily wait for an explicit conversation initiated by the kid.

 

And the whole "my child shouldn't try to control my body" thing - say what? I really don't get this logic. If a child says "I wish you wouldn't smoke around me", is the correct response "If you don't want to smoke, don't smoke, but I'll do what I want"? Of course not. How we act in a shared home affects other people. If our flatmate decided he wanted to walk around naked regardless of our discomfort, well, he'd be looking for a new flat!

post #20 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

 If our flatmate decided he wanted to walk around naked regardless of our discomfort, well, he'd be looking for a new flat!



truedat.gif

 

 

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › At what age should DD no longer see DH naked?