Challenges with older child adoption

[Nicoleandco]

I know every child and situation is different, but what kind of challenges could I expect with an older child adoption?   We have a 3 1/2 and are very seriously looking into adopting a child older than 5.  I have read about and talked to people about adopting children older than your bio children, but this is something we feel called to do...and want to make it happen if possible. 

Thanks for your help! 

[tiffani]

Hi Nicole,

where are you adopting from, and what age range are you thinking of?  kids from different backgrounds obviously come with very different baggage, and what's true of older child adoption in one set of circumstances might not be true of another... though there will always be parallels, etc... I would say that if you're adopting out of birth order, and you aren't 100% positive of your child's history (and how could you be?) you have to be HIGHLY vigilant for a very long time, to make sure that your child isn't going to abuse anyone else in the family.  I don't mean to paint all older child adoptions as an abuse situation waiting to happen (far from it, most are very successful) but your first priority will be to ensure that this doesn't happen -- it would be devastating to everyone involved, the older adopted child included, and I think line-of-sight supervision (when siblings are together) for a year isn't unheard of... doing it in a way that doesn't make the child feel like you suspect them of anything, being sensitive to privacy, etc... a hard road to navigate, but in families where abuse does occur, the parents rarely saw it coming -- how could you, the kids aren't monsters, don't wear their abusive pasts openly, etc, etc....  I have seen MANY older child and out-of-birth-order adoptions that have worked out wonderfully, and I think that is far more the norm than the horror stories you do hear -- but it doesn't make it ok to ignore the horror stories, or to not go into it with your eyes wide open...  I don't have any blogs or anything off the top of my head to share with you, but they are out there! 

[MrsH]

I don't have experience with the birth order thing, but we did (finally! it took 3 years!) adopt a girl who is now 9, who has lived with us since she was 6.  Her brother is also with us, and he was 2.5 when he moved in with us (5 now).  For me personally, the hardest thing lately has been coping with a whole lot of grief.  Grief over missing out on their early years (and having a 2 year old dd by birth highlights that at times).  Grief over the trauma and neglect they experienced.  Their grief over their past, their birth family, the life they used to know.  It's been really hard work.  Lots of therapy :)  It's not insurmountable by any means, but has caught me by surprise. 

The other thing that I didn't really know (but might be obvious to those who went the traditional adoption route.  We didn't, ours was a surprise kinship placement) was the degree to which the children's trauma still affects them today.  It truly does pervade every part of their being, every part of our day.  We're still learning to cope with some of it and with our younger son, are only now really seeing the ways in which he's affected.  It can be very difficult to know why a child is behaving a certain way: developmental stage or trauma?  I think that the behaviors can be similar, though what they're truly looking for is very different. 

I'd recommend finding lots of resources in advance.  Not to scare you, but to help you be prepared to get your child and yourself the help that you may need.  Knowing what to expect, from the minor to the possibility of major stuff, and knowing where to turn for help, seems like half the battle.  We've certainly learned a lot over the past 3 years, and we've had beautiful moments in the process. I wouldn't trade it for anything!