Self esteem and other's opinions with Dd

[Nicoleandco]

I'm not really sure how to word my issue, so stick with me. :) 

My daughter, 3 1/2, get a LOT of attention from strangers and friends.  I'd say on average when we go out, every other person makes a comment about her.  She is VERY small for her age, so she gets comments about that.  She also has loooong golden hair down to her bottom.  She's also just all around, a really beautiful child. 

My problem is that she's starting to notice these things and comments, and I don't think it's a healthy thing.  Of course I want her to feel beautiful, but I also want her to know that's not all that matters.  Lately she has started saying things like "Mama, I'm so skinny and pretty.  My hair is beautiful!" These are NOT things we say...strictly coming from strangers comments.   I don't want her thinking that little=pretty, or that her features are all that matter. 

How would I guide her into a different way of thinking?  I've already told people we know to stop with the comments. 

Thanks for any advice! 

[Linda on the move]

I think every human is beautiful, and that the world would be a better place if everyone accepted this about themselves. I don't see anything wrong with your DD knowing that she is lovely, as long as she ultimately understands that everyone else is beautiful in their own way too.

[philomom]

"Of course you are beautiful but you are also smart, kind and funny."

And then make sure she has some of those great subversive princess story books to deflect some of this.

[meemee]

IGNORE!!!! its the age. they are noticing things. and repeating just as you said. however its not the way you think they are getting it. in their black and white world yes they are beautiful. but does it mean the whole 'other' aspect of beauty? no. its a statement of fact as they see it. 

that was the age dd started parroting the 'smart' statement. and i'd ignore it most of the time. sometimes though i'd say yeah in such and such case you sure are smart. and in that situation ur friend N is smart, etc. 

but no i didnt give it any importance. or draw attention to it. nor did i tell others to stop calling her anything (though it was mostly strangers who called her that). 

it isnt that she thinks she is puffed up head beautiful as we interpret it. she is noticing her difference with other kids her age. and perhaps she does find her own hair and others beautiful. but if she is beautiful, she IS beautiful.

i would say give that to her.

today a 9 year old boy told me the saddest thing. he was talking about his little sister when he said - when i was little i used to always be happy. but now i am mostly sad and sometimes happy. so i sat with him and told him - yup that's right. growing up sometimes life hands you candy but sometimes bitter lemon. 

so what i am saying conscience develops at 7/8. they will all get the underlying meaning when they are older. 

right now at 3 1/2 they are totally focused on themselves and think they are the cats miaow. wish they could keep it up. 

i wouldnt draw attention to it. imho you are overthinking it (however let me tell you i did the same myself.)

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by meemee 

IGNORE!!!! its the age. they are noticing things. and repeating just as you said. however its not the way you think they are getting it. in their black and white world yes they are beautiful. but does it mean the whole 'other' aspect of beauty? no. its a statement of fact as they see it. 

that was the age dd started parroting the 'smart' statement. and i'd ignore it most of the time. sometimes though i'd say yeah in such and such case you sure are smart. and in that situation ur friend N is smart, etc. 

but no i didnt give it any importance. or draw attention to it. nor did i tell others to stop calling her anything (though it was mostly strangers who called her that). 

it isnt that she thinks she is puffed up head beautiful as we interpret it. she is noticing her difference with other kids her age. and perhaps she does find her own hair and others beautiful. but if she is beautiful, she IS beautiful.

i would say give that to her.

today a 9 year old boy told me the saddest thing. he was talking about his little sister when he said - when i was little i used to always be happy. but now i am mostly sad and sometimes happy. so i sat with him and told him - yup that's right. growing up sometimes life hands you candy but sometimes bitter lemon. 

so what i am saying conscience develops at 7/8. they will all get the underlying meaning when they are older. 

right now at 3 1/2 they are totally focused on themselves and think they are the cats miaow. wish they could keep it up. 

i wouldnt draw attention to it. imho you are overthinking it (however let me tell you i did the same myself.)

^This. Completely.

3 is such a fun age...my DD is noticing EVERYTHING now and she parrots the same types of things. She is a very charming, open and WARM girl and everywhere we go she is chatting and chatting with people and her magnetic personality and bright blue eyes and golden curls make people coo, and ooh and ahh at her constantly....all day, everywhere we go, strangers are purring and "my goodness look at that angel"-ing to her. She repeats it at home and I will usually kind of ignore it or if, say, I'm taking her shoes off when we get home and she says "I'm SO pretty mama, my hairs are golden, the ladies said I'm an angel!!" - I will just smile and sniff her feet and say like "oh, good thing they didn't smell your STINKY FEEEETT!" and tickle her and the subject totally changes and it leaves her mind.

Other things she's noticing:

- She has a "gyna" (vulva/vagina) and will tell anyone who will listen all about it.

- Boys have a penis...again, you got ears? She'll tell you about your penis.

- People with disabilities...this has been really difficult, because she wants to talk to people about why they seem "different"

- People have different skin colors (We live in NH...two weeks can go by without her seeing a person with dark skin!)

So she's noticing everything about everyone she meets, remembers everything she says and internalizes it. I have jsut stopped telling her she's pretty...I never really SAID that before, but I try and shy away from focusing on her cuteness because other people are so hyperfocused on it  and instead am really focused on how strong she is (good job lifting that, you are so strong, look at my strong girl!" or how well she speaks or how kind she is to her brother, etc.

I don't have TV here and she doesn't watch a lot of movies, certainly nothing Disneyish or anything like that. It's just us, in the middle of the woods, with a bunch of chickens. So I am not worried about long term "Pretty = Good" or "Pretty = blond hair, blue eyes, small and sweet" - you know? Especially since I look like a cave woman most of the time! haha!

Good luck and enjoy....I swear, this is the absolute best age. What a load of fun three is...I just want to eat this kid up, she's so awesome!

[curiouscanadian]

I read a story once about a similar type of girl. I only remember it because it stuck with me that the mother taught her daughter gently that while she was pretty, it was luck of the draw and through no effort on her part. The moral of the story was that it was just as important to "Be beautiful on the inside" ie. caring, kind, compassionate.

[mamazee]

I get what you're saying. But there's no way to control what strangers on the street say. I just wouldn't echo it at home. What her parents say is much more relevant than what others say.

And you can say "Everyone is beautiful" and it's a lovely sentiment, but not everyone meets the societal standard of beauty, and not all children who meet the standard of beauty later meet the adult standard of beauty when they grow up. This happened to my sister- she was a beautiful child, and everyone went on and on about how beautiful she was all the time, including our parents, but then she got older and became average looking. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with looking average, but her whole self image was built around being beautiful because of how much praise she'd gotten, and she didn't have anything else to hold onto. She has had a lot of trouble with how she views herself that IMO could have been avoided if she hadn't received so much praise based on her appearance as a child. So this issue is relevant to me because of what I've seen my sister deal with.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I get what you're saying. But there's no way to control what strangers on the street say. I just wouldn't echo it at home. What her parents say is much more relevant than what others say.

And you can say "Everyone is beautiful" and it's a lovely sentiment, but not everyone meets the societal standard of beauty, and not all children who meet the standard of beauty later meet the adult standard of beauty when they grow up. This happened to my sister- she was a beautiful child, and everyone went on and on about how beautiful she was all the time, including our parents, but then she got older and became average looking. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with looking average, but her whole self image was built around being beautiful because of how much praise she'd gotten, and she didn't have anything else to hold onto. She has had a lot of trouble with how she views herself that IMO could have been avoided if she hadn't received so much praise based on her appearance as a child. So this issue is relevant to me because of what I've seen my sister deal with.

This makes a LOT of sense to me. I've noticed, since having children, that the world is absolutely chock full of completely gorgeous children! Everywhere I go I see kids who could honest to goodness be GAP, JCrew whatever else, models! Kids are just good looking...it's their little angelic faces and perfectly awesome hair I guess.

I didn't think about how harmful it could be for the comments about beauty to stop suddenly. This gives me more to think about!

[mandalamama]

i've always just said "and she's smart, too!" and now when she gets compliments on her looks, she says "and i'm so smart!" hehe

[Kelly1]

I don't know that I would ignore a 3 year old telling me that she's skinny and beautiful.  Given the society that we live in, where so much emphasis is put on one staying skinny and beautiful and well, that isn't always that easy-- I would redirect her to talking about how she's smart and clever as well.  In our house, we also focus on things like being a good friend to others and having compassion. 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by Kelly1 

I don't know that I would ignore a 3 year old telling me that she's skinny and beautiful.  Given the society that we live in, where so much emphasis is put on one staying skinny and beautiful and well, that isn't always that easy-- I would redirect her to talking about how she's smart and clever as well.  In our house, we also focus on things like being a good friend to others and having compassion. 

Yeah, I agree with this. I've never had self esteem problems, struggled with my size or wanted to look different. I have asked my mother "what did you do that your eldest daughters didn't struggle at all with this" - her reply: "No TV, lots of emphasis on your practical skills and teaching you leadership skills from an early age" - which made me happy to hear, because my DD has chores she's really good at (collecting eggs from coop, feeding chickens, meal preparation helper, meal planner helping) and she seems to be realyl proud of those things.

We also encourage a lot of leadership skills....she is always telling people "I am the leader of the son, I help him and I watch him. If he falls down I help him" - and it's true, she and my 19 month old son are stuck like glue to each other and help each other a lot. Her leadership skills when we are groups of kids that are of mixed ages are becoming really impressive and it's not unusual for kids as old as six or seven to  listen to her and take instruction from her when it comes to what they are playing in a group of kids, etc.

I think encouraging kindness, leadership and patience are good....and I HIGHLY support kids having chores. It is my sincere hope that the tasks we give her to help our family with the work of living are helping her to feel proud of herself and valuable for the things INSIDE of her.

I know I'm just bragging on my kid now, but mamas, you should see how seriously she takes her chores....even the less fun stuff like changing the water for the chicks, etc....I've seen really awesome changes in her since she's been old enough to really do some of these things on her own. She seems so proud and sure of herself when she's working. She goes on her own out to the coop and reports to me about the condition of things, how the animals seem, etc. I just really hope what I'm doing now is going to help make a difference in the self esteem she has later....when I think of this proud, strong, beautiful girl growing up and having to face "body image" issues, it makes me want to cry. I want to just cry for all the beautiful girls out there who think they are so ugly. :(