help me learn gd

[marie33]

I am new to Mothering.com and I have been reading about gd.  I was pretty young when I had my first child, (early 20's) and I knew very little about kids.  While I was pregnant, I decided I would breastfeed and that I would never spank my child.  I was the 3rd of 4 children and always felt like I was a bratty kid who was never disciplined.  I felt very out of control sometimes as a child, and still feel that way sometimes now.  When my son was born, I was in awe of him. As he grew I was always amazed by his new developments.  He was smart and cute and funny! (aren't all first born children?)  When he turned 2 I needed to find work for purely financial reasons. I never wanted to leave him, so I chose a job as a daycare worker.  They used time outs and made me feel like a terrible mother for choosing not to spank and for not disciplining my son the way they felt I should.  They said I would regret letting my kids sleep in my bed.  I was always judged for my parenting choices. Being so young, I was very impressionable in my parenting. I have used time outs and 1, 2, 3!!! I even tried spanking a few times, but just could not do it.(Thank goodness.)  Now, I have been away from the daycare for 3 years now. I stay home now w/ my 10 year old son, 6 year old daughter, and a 4 mo. old baby boy.   I'm over 30 years old now and feel like I am finally finding like minded parents after years of feeling alone!  Still, I feel as though I just can't always get it right.  I'm just not sure how to discipling effectively without creating shame in my kids.  I used time out w/ my daughter from a young age.  She is a very well  behaved child, very creative, but also very private.  She does not want to share her feelings with me and she does not like to give or receive affection. My fault? Maybe.  Having just had my 3rd baby, I am really examining myself and how I have parented my kids thus far.  Please help me learn more about gd and if anyone has older kids, please share some of your experiences.

[abiyhayil]

Welcome!  I don't have wise words for you,  I feel like I am just starting to have to make a conscious effort to GD now that my son is out of toddlerhood.  I'm glad to have mothering as a resource and encouragement to continue stay close to my little ones as they grow and change.

[marie33]

Thanks!  I am also glad that I have found MDC.  I only intended to subscribe to the magazine, but learned it would no longer be available in print... however, I found so much more than I was looking for!  I wish I had this when my kids were younger!  Still, I have a lot of years left mothering my children and it will be nice to have the support. 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hey, mama.  Welcome to MDC!!  I absolutely LOVED the GD forum when my child was young.  It's a great place to vent, wallow and get ideas when things are just not clicking at home.  

Here are some ideas for you: 

1.  Post here about very, very specific events and get input from other parents.  When you reduce a problem to just that one single issue it can sometimes be easier to resolve.  

2.  Stay as open to ideas as you can.  Try to find a resource for advice that is on both sides of the GD spectrum from where you currently are. That way you can try to move in either direction depending on what works best for you or your child.  

3.  Read lots of books.  Here are some of my favorites: "Becoming the Parent You want to Be", "Parent Effictivness Training" (the class from this book is GREAT!), "Unconditional Parenting".  

4.  Be good to yourself - treat yourself as well as you treat your children.  If you run into a wall - treat yourself like you are your daughter coming to you for help.  Think of what you would tell her as a mom.   

5.  Be good to other parents - even the judg-ie types.  If you are gentle with everyone in your life then you don't have to switch gears to be with your kids.  

6.  Find a discipline style that fits with who you are, who your kids are and the kind of family you have.  Don't try to shove a square into a round hole - be authentic.  

[marie33]

Thank you, those are some good tips.  I've been a mom for 10 years now and I guess I'm just wondering if there are specific guidelines to gd, what is wrong w/ time out, which is what we had mostly used when the kids were smaller and sometimes still.  We don't scream and yell at our kids in general ( I won't say we NEVER yell, but we really try not to).  We don't spank or hit... we're probably parenting as gently as we can in our family.  I will defin

[marie33]

oops... I will definitey ask when specific problems arise with the new little one, as I'm sure they will!

[marie33]

I'm going to read that book, too.  Thanks

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by marie33 

I'm just wondering if there are specific guidelines to gd, what is wrong w/ time out, which is what we had mostly used when the kids were smaller and sometimes still.  We don't scream and yell at our kids in general ( I won't say we NEVER yell, but we really try not to).  We don't spank or hit... we're probably parenting as gently as we can in our family.   

Oh, sorry. I misunderstood your post.  I would say that an attempt to define specific guidelines for GD would spark a lively debate!  LOL.  I think MDC has guidelines at the top of the forum and I would say that's probably as good as it's gonna get.  

For me, I would say the loosest guideline would be to parent without any physical punishment or emotional cruelty.  Further, parenting with age appropriate expectations and attention to the child as an individual.  Maybe also viewing childhood as a time for joy and happiness (not just a path to adulthood).  

From your post I would say you are a GD parent - "Parenting as gently as you can" is kind of the most simple guideline, I guess. ;-)  

Within GD there is so, so much room for variation.  Actually, the writer of one of the books I posted talked about yelling even having a place in parenting.  She talked about the idea that yelling is sometimes just a variation on how a family communicates.  So, that's wild, ha?  Some people make the case that time-outs, for instance, are well within the guidelines of GD.  Some people choose to use the term "time-in".  Others, OTOH, feel that any time-outs are cruel and inconsistant with GD.  Others, like me, feel like some kids can benefit from something like time-outs while other kids could be really hurt by them, yk?