advice how to reply to an email

[meemee]

so we had a big picnic today. it was a lot of fun. and the main fun item was the water balloon toss. 

one of the persons we know well (opinionated not a child friendly person) accidentaly hurt dd's tummy while throwing a water balloon at her. dd was in so much pain that she sat crying in one corner. i was organising this picnic so i didnt see all this. i dont think anyone realised what happened. didnt figure out why dd was in a corner crying. 

right now i got an email from her. telling me what a great time except for one bad forgetable moment. dd got a watergun and stood behind her and squirted her (it was the cheapy kind so she couldnt get more then a few drops). but what the person stressed in her email was that she expected dd to be laughing. but instead dd was serious and so in front of everyone she told dd she was mean to do that. 

how do i reply to that. obviously she feels i need to know this for her to even write to me. she does disapprove my parenting style. 

how do i 'stand up; for my dd yet not let it become a she said he said back and forth issue. it is v. uncharacteristic of dd to do something like that. she was having a hard day today. i want her to know that yes it was wrong the intention of what dd did, but i also want her to know that dd did it because she was taking 'revenge' in her own way, that she was getting back for the pain friend caused. 

[Wild Lupine]

Maybe you could start by thanking her for bringing the incident to your attention (if that doesn't feel like too much of a lie). Then explain that your daughter was reacting from being hurt and explain about the water balloon, and that you're working with her to help her learn better ways to respond to being hurt, ie., telling someone or asking for help. You might also want to apologize for not bringing up the water balloon incident sooner, but that you hadn't known about it at the time. Maybe even reinforce that you know the water balloon to the stomach was unintentional (if it was). The apologies aren't because I believe you and your DD are at fault or that your DD was being anything but a normal 8 year old kid, just that it might make the adult more receptive to what she needs to hear (that she hurt your DD) if you take responsibility for whatever tiny piece of the interaction you can.

This will help the adult see that your DD is a child and had her own needs in the situation, and that being a child your daughter has not yet learned the most gracious ways of dealing with conflict, that it's a learning curve. It also might give the adult a chance to apologize to your daughter, which it sounds like your daughter needs to hear.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 

one of the persons we know well (opinionated not a child friendly person) accidentaly hurt dd's tummy while throwing a water balloon at her. dd was in so much pain that she sat crying in one corner. i was organising this picnic so i didnt see all this. i dont think anyone realised what happened. didnt figure out why dd was in a corner crying. 

right now i got an email from her. telling me what a great time except for one bad forgetable moment. dd got a watergun and stood behind her and squirted her (it was the cheapy kind so she couldnt get more then a few drops). but what the person stressed in her email was that she expected dd to be laughing. but instead dd was serious and so in front of everyone she told dd she was mean to do that. 

This person hit your child with a water balloon hard enough that your child was in tears, and they didn't realize it?

And then were pissy because they got shot from a water gun?

And then in front of other people, told your DD that it was mean to shoot a water gun at what was a very wet event?

I'd most likely tell her not to correct my child again, but to come to me IMMEDIATELY if there is ever an issue. I'd also point out that people who don't want to get wet shouldn't through water balloons.  Depending on the person, I might or might not mention that they had physically hurt my child. Some people would get it and understand, and others would feel "that's no excuse!" This person sounds clueless, so I think expecting any sort of empathy for your child is pointless. This person has control issues.

And at the next event with this group, I'd spend less time organizing (leave it others) and spend more time with my child. I know it's tempting to feel we need to do other things, but now you know that isn't a safe group of people for your DD, that no one is really looking out for her. Let some one else organize, and you see to her.

[HappyMommy2]

Which happened first - the water gun or the water balloon...???

Not that it matters, the adult sounds like a schmuck.  Adults should act like adults, and not get their panties all in a wad because of a few splashes from a kids water fight.

[SuburbanHippie]

I can't believe a grown woman would tattle on a child.  How ridiculous! 

[LynnS6]

I don't think I'd dignify it with a reply.

If you feel compelled, then it would be:

"Oh, thanks for letting me know. I understand that dd was a upset because you hit her hard in the stomach with a water balloon and it hurt. I wish you'd let me know about the injury earlier."

It sounds to me like she's tattling. It doesn't really deserve an answer.

[APToddlerMama]

I wouldn't reply at all.  Someone who is described as not child friendly, disapproves of your parenting, and smacks your kid with a water balloon hard enough to hurt them wouldn't be my friend.  That would have to be a pretty hard hit and I'd question whether or not it was deliberate considering how you've described her.  Surely SHE noticed when your daughter started crying after being hit.  Not to mention, an adult nit picky enough to email me about a water gun been sprayed at her when clearly this was a party with lots of water fun, needs to grow up. It isn't like it was her wedding day and she was sprayed in the face with a super soaker after getting her hair and make up done.  It was a picnic with water balloons.  She wouldn't be worth my time and I wouldn't waste my time trying to explain.  I think she gets it.  She hurt your daughter but now wants you to apologize and reprimand your daughter for squirting her with water... Ridiculous. 

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

This person hit your child with a water balloon hard enough that your child was in tears, and they didn't realize it?

And then were pissy because they got shot from a water gun?

And then in front of other people, told your DD that it was mean to shoot a water gun at what was a very wet event?

I'd most likely tell her not to correct my child again, but to come to me IMMEDIATELY if there is ever an issue. I'd also point out that people who don't want to get wet shouldn't through water balloons.  Depending on the person, I might or might not mention that they had physically hurt my child. Some people would get it and understand, and others would feel "that's no excuse!" This person sounds clueless, so I think expecting any sort of empathy for your child is pointless. This person has control issues.

And at the next event with this group, I'd spend less time organizing (leave it others) and spend more time with my child. I know it's tempting to feel we need to do other things, but now you know that isn't a safe group of people for your DD, that no one is really looking out for her. Let some one else organize, and you see to her.

This. Exactly this.

[swd12422]

I'm not sure I would waste my time with a reply. In some ways, I think you've already wasted all the time you need to on this person just by bothering to type out the OP.

If you feel you need to reply, I'd keep it short and say something like, "Thanks for letting me know. There are several things that happened that day that I hope will never be repeated," although even with the second sentence you'd be inviting more of an interaction with the person than I'd want to bother with. If you don't even want to get into it with her, I'd leave it at nothing or just the first part, at the most.

This person doesn't CARE if you "know it was wrong the intention of what dd did" -- you've said she not only doesn't understand/like kids, but disapproves of your parenting. So why bother trying to assure her you're taking care of it since no matter what you do (short of public humiliation and possibly a beating), she's not going to "approve" of the way you punish your daughter for her wrongdoing. (And I disagree that your daughter even did ANYTHING wrong, including not smiling while shooting a water gun. So she was pissed. She didn't try to hurt anyone, she took out her feelings of aggression through play. Is that unacceptable somehow, to release pent-up emotions in play? So what if a child took a few blasts with a water gun at a participating adult during a water fight? Puh-leez.)

[Emma Bryan Fuller]

She thinks getting squirted with a watergun is a "bad, unforgettable moment"   How do you even reply to that! 

I wouldn't answer. If you see her in future and it crops up I would just say....I never replied as I really didn't think you could be serious. I will kindly tell my daughter not to squirt you and maybe you too could refrain from throwing balloons at her.     Silly woman :)

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 
If you feel compelled, then it would be:

"Oh, thanks for letting me know. I understand that dd was a upset because you hit her hard in the stomach with a water balloon and it hurt. I wish you'd let me know about the injury earlier."

I agree w this.
 

[meemee]

thanks wild lupin  and lynn. i am kinda going to go with a combination of your replies.

she hit dd unintentionally. i absolutely believe that. i think what happened was that she was enjoying herself and didnt realise what she did (just joining the water balloon toss was big on her part) meaning how hard she hit. 

the person wasnt mad about being squirted. she was mad about how dd squirted her deliberately and not in fun. if dd had laughed she would have been completely ok with it. that's why she called it a bad forgetable moment. its coz of dd's intention which came across loud and clear. 

i wrote this without having spoken to dd. i did talk to her today. and the thing is the person had no clue she had hurt dd. dd just went off to hide behind a tree and recuperate. i saw dd crying and she just wanted some time alone (she couldnt speak). i would have sat with her but i had to go give a cat saline drip who was v. sick. just the timing was v. bad. so i did talk to dd and tell her she should have immediately let the person know she was hurt instead of just run off (perhaps her first full can of soda was responsible for this).

i do feel this email does need a reply. maybe the person will have a little more understanding. yes she does feel dd needs a firmer hand. and i dont blame her. she is in her 60s and is used to children being (how does that go) seen and not heard. dd is just the opposite. 

thanks mamas. 

linda - this person used to be our neighbour for a while. she and dd have this 'special' relationship. in a sense that person is quirky and an artist. she and dd has spent some time together and dd does understand she is not a child friendly person. dd gets that. it was just one of those bad days.

APtoddler yes that's what she wants me to do. reprimand dd. and in a way i do agree. dd really shouldnt have done that. it IS a v. uncharacteristic thing for her to do. dd being independent and so wanting her space (and the soda) didnt give her the time to calm down and think of what she was doing. this actually opened up a big conversation for dd and me and actually helped dd learn.

that's why i needed u guys imput. a way for her to understand what happened with dd, without feeling like i was standing up dd when i shouldnt have.  

Edited by meemee - 6/13/11 at 4:57pm

[One_Girl]

I would reply by telling her that you are glad she had a good time and that you want to make sure she understands the water gun incident by letting her in on all the details then describe briefly what happened.  I would also phrase it in a way that indicates that this lady is able to understand what happened even if you don't actually believe she is.  It is often very hard for someone to argue with you when you point out what they know, especially when it is something they do know but are ignoring.  I would say something like "even though it was very wrong of dd to act out like that in anger, I am sure you realize that eight year olds (and really all children) are very impulsive at times and that they still often think that if they know they are hurt the other person also knows, and that if they know why they are acting out in anger the other person does also.  As you know from your experience with dd this is not something that is normal for her.  We are both very sorry and I hope that you are able to put the water gun incident behind you and that you will be more aware of the strength of your throw next time you are playing a game where children are involved.  In the future you are welcome to let me know if a game is going to be too rough for children to participate in so I can make sure my dd stays safe and has another fun activity to do until the rough games are done."  I think your friend was very wrong to be playing with a child much younger and lighter than she is in a way that was rough enough to make her cry whether she realized what happened or not and she needs to be aware of what happened.  Your dd should have felt comfortable enough to tell someone she was hurt so badly, but she is the child here not your friend so since she didn't let the friend know I think you should let her know what happened and that you also expect her to take more care in the future. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 

linda - this person used to be our neighbour for a while. she and dd have this 'special' relationship. in a sense that person is quirky and an artist. she and dd has spent some time together and dd does understand she is not a child friendly person. dd gets that. it was just one of those bad days.

 

It sounds like you are putting a lot of responsibility on your DD, and none on the adult.

In the future, my focus would be on keeping my child SAFE in similar situations. This person isn't a safe person for your DD.

[meemee]

linda what i am trying to get at is explaining the situation to both sides and see what a miscommunication they created.

i realise dd cant always talk for herself. yet i want the person to also understand where dd is coming from.

yes i do want my dd to understand and speak more for herself. it isnt a question of blame. dd is extremely sensitive and that sets her apart from all the kids at school. she gets hurt v. easily. in fact at the school picnic we had this talk again. the reason being many times its an emotional hurt and dd gets upset and the other person is totally confused not knowing what's going on. 

my focus is not me keeping my child safe. i dont really have to do that. she is old enough to take care of herself. i think this is the first time she actually got physically hurt. its a freak accident. most of the time i am not even with her (like at school). so she has to learn to speak up for herself (which she does on most occasions). 

my focus is giving her coping skills and what to do when such a thing happens. which has prepared her to take care of her friends very, very well. for herself she is getting a hang of it. 

One_Girl yeah i dont want to play the blame game. 

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move This person isn't a safe person for your DD.

Based on what? What an absurd thing to say in response to this thread.

[One_Girl]

As an adult wouldn't you like to be told if you accidently hurt an 8 year old half your size while playing a game you think they will enjoy?  I know I would want to know so I could be more careful, especially if the child thought I did it on purpose.  I don't think letting someone know they need to take more care is playing a blame game even in this instance.  Standing up for my daughter and modeling not letting others push her around seems to have done wonders for her because she also doesn't let her friends push her around when I am not there to redirect or scold them.  It is amazing to hear her how confidently and firmly she stands up for herself and her friends when she doesn't realize I am there because she approaches it with my tone as a problem solver with a no nonsense attitude that demands respect. 

I don't think you have to turn this into an either/or situation here where telling your friend she hurt your child means that you are stifling her ability to stand up for herself and saying nothing and expecting your 8 year old to stand up to adults means that she is absolutely going to grow up able to stand up for herself.  It sounds like we have very different views on our expectations of the adults around us and our expectations for how our children will act with those adults though so that is probably why it seems to me like you are putting your friend first and not standing up for your hurt child while it seems to you like I am advocating picking a fight and going over board.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

It sounds like you are putting a lot of responsibility on your DD, and none on the adult.

In the future, my focus would be on keeping my child SAFE in similar situations. This person isn't a safe person for your DD.

After reading the entire thread, it sounds to me like you think one misunderstanding, where both parties feelings are hurt, means dumping a friendship.

An 8yo doesn't need a helicopter mom at a picnic.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

As an adult wouldn't you like to be told if you accidently hurt an 8 year old half your size while playing a game you think they will enjoy?

<snip>

It sounds like we have very different views on our expectations of the adults around us and our expectations for how our children will act with those adults....

You expect adults not to make mistakes?

You are saying that the OP should "stand up" for her daughter as though the little girl was being bullied, when the OP believes that it was an ACCIDENT.
 

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

I don't think I'd dignify it with a reply.

If you feel compelled, then it would be:

"Oh, thanks for letting me know. I understand that dd was a upset because you hit her hard in the stomach with a water balloon and it hurt. I wish you'd let me know about the injury earlier."

It sounds to me like she's tattling. It doesn't really deserve an answer.

I agree with this.  Pretty sure I'd ignore the email, unless it was someone I considered or hoped would be a good friend.