advice how to reply to an email - Page 2

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Emma Bryan Fuller 

She thinks getting squirted with a watergun is a "bad, unforgettable moment"   How do you even reply to that!

Well... I was squirted with a water gun at a company picnic many years ago, and yes, it WAS a "bad, unforgettable moment". Why? It caused a scratch on my cornea, which never healed properly. I am now legally blind in that eye. So no, I'm not likely to forget that "fun" afternoon. Just some food for thought.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Well... I was squirted with a water gun at a company picnic many years ago, and yes, it WAS a "bad, unforgettable moment". Why? It caused a scratch on my cornea, which never healed properly. I am now legally blind in that eye. So no, I'm not likely to forget that "fun" afternoon. Just some food for thought.

Yikes! My friend was hit in the eye last year by a dart from a Nerf gun, and it split her cornea. I don't think she lost sight from it, but she said she's had a c-section and three successful homebirths (one of them a ten-pounder) and this eye injury was the most painful thing she's ever been through. Plus, she was breastfeeding so she couldn't take the heavy-duty painkiller they gave her.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by 2xy 

After reading the entire thread, it sounds to me like you think one misunderstanding, where both parties feelings are hurt, means dumping a friendship.

An 8yo doesn't need a helicopter mom at a picnic.

there is a medium between being a helicopter parent and leaving a child to fend for themselves.

The Opers DD was physically hurt and cried by herself.  Obviously, kids get hurt, BUT ideally we or another adult are paying enough attention to realize when this happens and help deal with it.

She was then upset/anger/etc and because no adult was aware of what was going on with her, took matters in to her own hands to deal with the situation. Again, this happens, but ideally we or another adult are paying enough attention to realize what is happening and to help deal with it.

Then another adult, who sounds like she doesn't have any business around kids, scolded/shamed (pick your word) the child in front of other for the look on her face.

Originally Posted by meemee 

 dd was in so much pain that she sat crying in one corner. i was organising this picnic so i didnt see all this. i dont think anyone realised what happened. didnt figure out why dd was in a corner crying. 

....right now i got an email from her. telling me what a great time except for one bad forgetable moment. dd got a watergun and stood behind her and squirted her (it was the cheapy kind so she couldnt get more then a few drops). but what the person stressed in her email was that she expected dd to be laughing. but instead dd was serious and so in front of everyone she told dd she was mean to do that. 

Being at least vaguely aware of what is going on with our kids, comforting them when they are hurt, helping with process difficult emotions, and correcting them with their behavior is less than perfect is NOT helicopter parenting. It's just parenting.

I can see how all this could happen -- I've been in situations where I've been busy helping and not really paid attention to what was going on with my kids. But, with certain groups of adults, I've learned that I can't do that because NO ONE is looking out for my kids.

And this "friend" is really not a reasonable person to leave a child with. Any one who scolds a child for using a water gun during a water fight because the child had the wrong facial expression has issues. It's a flag.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

there is a medium between being a helicopter parent and leaving a child to fend for themselves.

The Opers DD was physically hurt and cried by herself.  <snip>

Being at least vaguely aware of what is going on with our kids, comforting them when they are hurt, helping with process difficult emotions, and correcting them with their behavior is less than perfect is NOT helicopter parenting. It's just parenting.

I can see how all this could happen -- I've been in situations where I've been busy helping and not really paid attention to what was going on with my kids. But, with certain groups of adults, I've learned that I can't do that because NO ONE is looking out for my kids.

And this "friend" is really not a reasonable person to leave a child with. Any one who scolds a child for using a water gun during a water fight because the child had the wrong facial expression has issues. It's a flag.

Has it ever occurred to you that not every child wants tons of attention every time something bad happens?

If I had been hit by a water balloon hard enough to hurt, in front of tons of other people, I probably would have slunk off to be by myself, too. I didn't like being the center of attention, whether good or bad. This probably all happened in a matter of seconds. You make it sound like the OP and all the other adults were dreadfully negligent for not noticing. If the little girl was needing to be comforted, why did she go hide instead of go to an adult?

My 5yo got lost for 15 loooong minutes at Virginia Beach. He and his friend were playing right in front of me, and I looked away for less than a minute to get food out of the cooler for lunch. Shit happens, even when kids are being watched. And the parent of the other child was sitting right next to me.

If you can see how all this can happen, why does it seem like you are berating the OP for not spending every breathing moment up her kid's behind?

I have friends with small children and grandchildren. If one of them made a physical gesture towards me with a mean look on his/her face, I might be concerned. I'd want to know why the child was upset with me. Being an adult doesn't mean not having feelings.

[meemee]

ah 2xy thank you. Linda's words might come out that way but i dont think she means to berate. what i feel she is trying to say is no matter what keep an eye on the kid and two watch out when she is with this person. 

that day dd was having a hard time. so i was watching her when she was going off behind the tree. she would walk off with this look on her face - dont come near me. this is new development in parenting that i am struggling with. dd wants to do it herself. and you are right. if i didnt have to go, if she had sat by herself more than 10 mins or so i would have gone to her. by then her hurt and anger would have come down a knotch letting someone sit with her. 

btw this incident that the person wrote to me about doesnt even register in dd's memory. that part was not the big deal for her. it was more the emotional and physical hurt by the balloon that stayed with her. if i had been able to go to her after she'd calmed down and we had a chance to talk she wouldnt have sprayed her. 

the thing is that friend and dd have hung out quite a bit. friend has a way of not sounding 'nice' even with adults. her words just come out that way. she feels its her right to tell them how its done. but she is not a bad person at heart (perhaps my words painted her that way). there are a few people like that in that group. and dd has grown up with them since she was young. its actually helped her stand up and speak up for herself (which dissipates the situation right there and she doesnt hang on to the hurt feeling). she also enjoys them a lot. they are not her favourite people in her group but they are also the person who give and do things for her more than others. i think that's the reason why the incident didnt even register with dd. because kinda the person is that way with everyone.   

i KNOW when i send my friend the email she is going to be horrified at herself.  

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 

 Linda's words might come out that way but i dont think she means to berate. what i feel she is trying to say is no matter what keep an eye on the kid and two watch out when she is with this person. 

I didn't not mean to berate. I gently said earlier in the thread that in this same group in the future, I would keep a closer eye on my child. Because I was asked why, I explained.

I think that exactly how much oversight to give a child is a difficult thing to gage, it varies so much from child to child and from situation to situation. And it's a moving target as the child matures.  Of course, we all want to give * enough* oversight without giving *too much,* but figuring out exactly where that middle lies is often less than clear.

I suspect that all parents miss it from time to time. I know I have.

[mamazee]

I wouldn't have tailed my daughter that age either. If she got hurt, I'd assume she or someone else would tell me, just as if my husband got hurt.

I probably wouldn't respond to the email. If I did, it would be snarky, and that wouldn't help anything. Getting squirted by a water gun isn't that big of a deal and it sounds to me like she doesn't like your dd and is trying to get her into trouble (I'm assuming she doesn't like her if she threw a water balloon that hard at her.)

[squimp]

I also debate whether it's worth replying.  But based on your DD's response I'd probably let her know something like "DD was upset that you hit her with a water balloon.  Did you notice that?  It hurt her very much and she cried.  I believe she squirted you rather than confront you verbally.  I hope you can understand her feelings."  Something like that.  Honestly it sounds like it might help this person needs to know the whole story.  

[Viola]

I agree with Squimp and the posters who say explaining what was going on might be a good idea.  It seems so odd to get an e-mail like this, like I would think the person sending it was way too concerned about something that most of us would just let roll off her back.  But, if she thinks your daughter is coming up and trying to shoot her while feeling angry, it might be a little offputting.  She might not know exactly what to think of that.  So explaining that, yes, she was angry that you had hurt her and that was her reaction might help to explain things.  Then your friend will either apologize or protest that she didn't hurt your daughter, and start blaming her, and you can respond accordingly.  That might be more enlightening in the long run, I'm thinking.