What does the boyfriend so that is so annoying to your husband? Exist? Come over to visit? Things you hope your grandchildren do some day?
You have all given me a lot to think about and I appreciate it.
To clarify.....my daughter has lived with a roommate near college for the last 3 years. Her dad and I pay her tuition and supplement her rent. She is responsible for her utilities/food/car upkeep etc. She has a part time job, but it doesn't pay very well. Unknown to me until very recently she racked up a lot of credit card debt. apparently she was having trouble paying for food, etc and was charging it. She asked to come home so she can get back on a better financial footing. She has a new job now that pays much better. it is still part time because she is a student. Both DH and I do want to help her get more financially stable.
DS is only 19. He is in the process of signing up for the military so he may be leaving soon. i don't know.
Strange new thing that happened today...the kids ask to take my car sometimes. They have cars of their own, but ours are nicer. Its probably a few times a month. They never ask to take DHs car, only mine. It annoys DH that they don't just drive their own car. Anyway a week ago, DH said that he talked to the insurance guy and he said that the kids aren't insured when then drive my car. I had to call the insurance guy about another issue and brought this up and he said he didn't tell DH this and that the kids are covered under our insurance when they drive our cars. I asked DH about this and he insists this is what insurance guy said despite insurance guy saying he would never say that. Makes me wonder if DH just didn't tell me that because he doesn't like the kids driving my car.
I know once everyone is out of the house things will get better. I wish DH could at least voice some of his feelings to the kids. He wont even ask them to take out the trash. he asks me to ask them. Beyond that, he never backs me up with the kids even when I am enforcing something he wants. Like if he is complaining to me about the friends being over and i tell the kids not to have friends over they will go to him and say " you don't mind do you? mom is just being weird" Then he will say "No i don't mind" GRRRRRRRRRR It makes me CRAZY!
Thanks again for all the feedback!
It's totally understandable that you would want to help your daughter get more financially stable. It's good that she got a better job. Does she have a plan for how she is going to pay off the credit card debt? Amounts, how long it is going to take? I think she should learn to draw up a budget and be able to show you how and when this will be paid off, and how she plans to avoid getting herself into the same situation again.
Regarding the car, it's your car! Not your DH's business if you let the kids borrow it.
I think the family meeting to hash out the house rules is a good idea. Let's face it, neither your DH nor you should have to tell an adult to take out the garbage, they should be able to figure out when to do it themselves. I think that if your adult children are to continue to live with you for any length of time, they need to act like adults and take their full part in running the household, rather than expect to be treated like children where the grownups do the housework.
Yes, come over to visit. My husband works really long hours. He is only home for about 30min each night before he goes to bed. The weekend is his time to relax. He doesn't feel he can relax as much if there are guests in the house. I understand that, but that is also part of living with other ppl. Someone said it above, he doesn't know how to live with other people. Actually that is very true. He lived alone for years before we got married and then he had an automatic family with 2 teenagers and their friends. I supposed that is a big adjustment. He has said it is. I would have thought by our fifth year of marriage he would have adjusted, but i guess not.
Talking about all of this made me remember something from my childhood. I was 19 and didn't have a place to live (I moved out of my dad and SM house at 17. I asked my dad if I could move back. He said yes. I was going to use the motorhome in the yard as my room. Apparently, SM didn't like that he told me yes. I was told by step sister that my dad told her if she didn't like it he would sleep in the motorhome too. I was never so proud of my dad and i felt very loved. There were many other times that I was made to feel much less important than the new step family. One time as an adult (25) I was working for my dad managing his restaurants. At the end of the day he wanted me to to drop deposits off at his house. When I did that i would usually sit down and talk to him about business for about 30min. He never came into the restaurant so this was the only time i had to talk to him. I didn't stay long because i had a baby and a husband at home myself. Anyway one day, my dad came to the restaurant and sat me down and told me I couldn't come over any more at the end of the day and talk about business. SM didn't like it. I could tell how uncomfortable he was telling me. He liked me coming over. Thinking about this makes me realize that i never want my kids to feel that way.