What do you do that cancels our your NFL/AP/CRUNCHY/NON-Mainstream/MDCness? - Page 8

[mommy212]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

That is a perfect example of the kind of spankings that have people all hysterical on these boards about MDC not being inclusive.  This thread was meant to be a light hearted "we're not all perfect" place to share, not a place to get criticized. 

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I guess I just dont understand why someone would feel the need to brag about how much they are using up natural resources for no particular reason other than they "love" it.

And to be fair, this thread was started in direct response of the "you might NOT be a mainstream parent if....," where things that people were saying over there were being criticized, even though it was stated over and over again that the thread was started for fun

 

Please step down off your high horse

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

I've actually agreed with a lot of what you've said dauphinette, but if it seems like no moms are feeling bad about choices they've confessed, I think that is because you're right.  Nobody is feeling bad about any of the choices they've made and posted here.  Because--I am assuming, the choices have been made because it is what works for each of us.  It is more of a "I'm confessing that I am not actually perfect instead of hiding behind the facade that I believe in every single thing posted on MDC and also have the resources and energy to practice is."  I like this thread for that.  I don't want all of MDC to be one big confession of "it turns out I'm really not crunchy at all", though.  I still love MDC for what it stood for when I joined, but it is nice once in a while to admit we're all not perfect and not feel guilty about it.  We are all human after all.   
 

 Well said.

[new2this]

This one has been just as interesting as the other one. 

With that said both DH and I parent the way we feel is right and with what works for us. We research what we feel needs to other areas we are okay with not doing the research and just making a choice. We make changes when we need to and are always open to other ideas. We try to live a more environment friendly lifestyle but there are just some things that I don't do and I am okay with that. 

I would say what sets me apart from most on the boards

Would be the way we eat compared to most. We don't do organic. I do cook about 98% of our meals and no box meals but I'm not real big on label reading. Love meat. 

We use paper products of all kinds. Its just easier at times. 

Very much into the girly frilly pink stuff DD. I like it and so I get to chose right now till she says otherwise. 

Lots of plastic toys. 

Stroller, bouncer, swing, jump a roo all life savers. 

Do no baby wear at all. Tried did not work. 

DD is on formula now. I dried up and well I just can't use donated milk. It crosses my comfort line. 

I do not and will not NIP. I will sit in the bathroom first if I had to or go out to the car. 

Disposable diapers. Thought about cloth diapering and well to much work for me. I hate laundry the way it is so why create more for myself.

If we have a boy he will be circd. Done the research to a certain extent and still come out from that saying its what is best for us and our boy. 

While not CIO. We did do a form of sleep training but was not harsh at all and for the most part she lead it.  

I was not going to be a human pacifier so DD got a pacifier. (but she couldn't figure out how to nurse and not get milk so it kinda worked out.) I had over supply issues pretty much till I dried up. 

Had a hospital birth with an epidural ( I tried to do it natural but couldn't do it). Best thing ever for me. But I had a Midwife and she was awesome followed everything I wanted like skin to skin right away, delayed cord clamping and as little checks as possible. This birth will be with an epidural, but seeing a normal Dr. Not OB or Midwife. (kinda bothers me but unless I want to pay I have no say) but so far from my discussions they will follow what I want so I am okay with it. 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

 

Originally Posted by jezebelle 

I...I think I love you.

[Cyllya]

Is it weird that I'm not really crunchy or AP at all, and I don't feel unwelcome at MDC? (At least I feel un-crunchy and un-AP compared to most people here. I guess I'm actually pretty middle-of-the-road.) I'm actually just here for future reference, so maybe I'd be more sensitive if I already had kids.

It seems there are only a few "rules" for fitting in with the MDC crowd, as far as I can tell: don't physically assault your child, don't use CIO, don't amputate any of your infant's healthy body parts, give human milk if you can, rear-face the car seat, if you ever broke any of those treat it as a mistake, and use the  smiley if you admit to eating at McDonald's. Homeschooling, letting your kids play with toy guns, letting your kids watch TV, giving birth at home, using a sling, eating sugar, eating meat, eating gluten, leaving your kid in a room alone with your dog, wanting your schoolkid to have homework, giving your kid such and such a vaccine, giving your kid Tylenol, taking Tylenol when in labor, etc all seem to have proponents on each side.

(My least-MDC-ish aspect is that I make video games and plan to do so for a living someday.)

[savithny]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

I've actually agreed with a lot of what you've said dauphinette, but if it seems like no moms are feeling bad about choices they've confessed, I think that is because you're right.  Nobody is feeling bad about any of the choices they've made and posted here.  Because--I am assuming, the choices have been made because it is what works for each of us.  It is more of a "I'm confessing that I am not actually perfect instead of hiding behind the facade that I believe in every single thing posted on MDC and also have the resources and energy to practice is."  I like this thread for that.  I don't want all of MDC to be one big confession of "it turns out I'm really not crunchy at all", though.  I still love MDC for what it stood for when I joined, but it is nice once in a while to admit we're all not perfect and not feel guilty about it.  We are all human after all.   
 

I'll agree, and I'll take this one step farther.    The point of many people on this thread is that you don't have to take everything to the Nth degree in order to *be* perfect.  And perhaps, there is in fact no such thing as "perfect."  

And the first boldest statement?  Is what people are trying to get across.  There are people here with checklists in their heads of what AP or NFL *must* include, and if you don't do it all, you should feel bad about it.   Right here, in this thread, people are being told that if you don't live up to some standard of perfection, you should feel bad.  You should, apparently, feel ashamed of cribs, strollers, pacifiers and public school.

Funny, I've not actually seen that instruction in Dr. Sears.   Must have missed that page.

[Viriditas]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

of course you did.

I thought this thread was all about creating LESS snark and judgement on these boards.  This remark seems very uncalled for.  And although I've stayed out of this thread, I have to say that your original "Have you been to the UC forum (read: Hey, you haven't seen weird until you've seen all those crazy whackadoos over in the UC forum)" comment was pretty rude, too.

At first I was going to post on this thread about all the non-AP/NFL things I do, but it's getting pretty negative and super, super defensive, so I'm just going to stay out of it. 
 

 

[Bena]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm 

 And I have to point out, that I often do on these boards, that even Dr. Sears says in his books that AP is not a checklist of do's and dont's..its about doing what's best for your family.  He must get frustrated and sad about how mothers treat each other like they are terrible for not quite following all the AP rules.

yes, yes and yes!

[Emma Bryan Fuller]

I will play too :)    I usually just lurk on the homeschool forums!

I love bleach

I use store wipes, tampons, paper towels

I had 3 c-sections. First was an emergency....but loved them all :) I have been flamed already don't worry :)

I LOVE cloth diapers so, for me sposies may have worked out cheaper :)

I would like to use more natural cleaning products. Also, never yell and be more calm. I would also like us to eat healthier. I did give up coffee a month ago though :)  I would like to have a generally more natural household and often read here and get ideas to strive towards it.

I have had many years of support here right from breastfeeding and now homeschooling.

I have pretty much been told I am not welcome due to my c-secs. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit when I read ridiculous posts " I feel sorry for my circed husband" (I do not circ) but still found this odd. Also, a woman who needed ways to cope with her relatives upcoming birth incase it resulted in a c sec. I think that some people feel so special because of the choices that they have made that is excludes others and makes them feel inferior....or that's their plan??? They would hate a/p to become mainstream.  There is such a multi cultural group here that to many not circing is normal and so is childbirth at home and extended nursing. The funny thing is that when you kids get older you kind of lose that identity as the Moms at the baseball game do not ask how long you nursed for etc.

I do not know what I am getting at. I am comfortable with my choices and have areas I would like to improve. If you need to attack others or compare, it's your baggage, not theirs.

[PhoenixMommaToTwo]

I think the point was to point out the differences in all of us. There is no set "crunchy" standard (I hate that word too). I don't identify as either mainstream or crunchy or AP or NFL. I'm just a parent. Period. I make informed decisions for my family. And I do the best I can. Just like all of you are trying to do. The problem in trying to fit everyone into your perfect ideal of AP is that not everyone is and there are some who kill themselves trying to do it. How many posts have you seen from moms just at the end of their rope, looking for affirmation that it is indeed okay to set your crying baby down for a few minutes in a safe situation to take a parental time out and the responses have just ripped them to shreds? Or pushed them to just keep holding on, no matter the detriment to your mental health. You identify spanking, CIO and kool-aid in a bottle as dangerous, negligent parenting, I say that it's dangerous, negligent posting to sit behind a computer screen and make a person who is already in a vulnerable position feel so low about themselves that they have serious mental effects. I've seen it happen. Time and again. I stick because I can find resources for questions that either I have or someone in my life does. I take breaks form MDC because of those reasons.

Also, so off topic, but how are wood toys greener? Don't they use trees to make them? No snark. Just an observation.

[new2this]

This is me. I don't think I fit in either more middle ground and I think how I survive most days is because I removed all titles and just go with it. The extreme sides I have encountered. This place is so full of information and I go to the boards that work for me and stay out of the ones that I have no interest in. Which what is UC? 

Originally Posted by PhoenixMommaToTwo 

I think the point was to point out the differences in all of us. There is no set "crunchy" standard (I hate that word too). I don't identify as either mainstream or crunchy or AP or NFL. I'm just a parent. Period. I make informed decisions for my family. And I do the best I can. Just like all of you are trying to do. The problem in trying to fit everyone into your perfect ideal of AP is that not everyone is and there are some who kill themselves trying to do it. How many posts have you seen from moms just at the end of their rope, looking for affirmation that it is indeed okay to set your crying baby down for a few minutes in a safe situation to take a parental time out and the responses have just ripped them to shreds? Or pushed them to just keep holding on, no matter the detriment to your mental health. You identify spanking, CIO and kool-aid in a bottle as dangerous, negligent parenting, I say that it's dangerous, negligent posting to sit behind a computer screen and make a person who is already in a vulnerable position feel so low about themselves that they have serious mental effects. I've seen it happen. Time and again. I stick because I can find resources for questions that either I have or someone in my life does. I take breaks form MDC because of those reasons.

Also, so off topic, but how are wood toys greener? Don't they use trees to make them? No snark. Just an observation.

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by savithny 

Yes, you coudl tell all these "mainstreamers" at MDC to go away and find themselves a mainstream board.

But the fact is, there are differences of opinion about what is "mainstream," and what constitutes "AP" and what constitutes "natural living."  And invariably, people who come here for one thing (breastfeeding advice, or natural childbirth advice, or sleeping without CIO advice) run into people who have little checklists in their heads about "THE ONE WAY TO DO THIS."

So the person who wants advice on breastfeeding posts a generic question, and gets jumped on for being a big, mean, mother-led weaner.  "Don't Ask Don't Refuse is a weaning technique, mama!"   A person who posts about having weaned might get told that all her child's issues are due to that and she should relactate.   People asking for advice on potty training get told that even their cloth diapers are abusive and REAL AP parents are all into EC now.    

All these practices exist on a continuum, and it seems like often, there's a vocal minority at one end of the continuum, berating people, as though the object of being at MDC is to urge people on, like lemmings, off the edge of the world.  From Breast is Best, to "Aim for 2 years," to "let them decide when to wean."  From "Unmedicated labor is healthiest for the baby," to "Homebirth is the only way to have a good birth," to "Any birth attendant is unnatural!"      From "Spanking is wrong," to "Timeouts are bad," to "Saying no is harmful," to "expressing any opinion on your child's behavior is manipulative behaviorism."  From "public schools aren't very invidualistic," to "Homeschool so you're never separated from your kids," to "parents even suggesting books to kids destroys their intellectual development."

And there's always someone waiting in the wings to tell someone who they perceive as "behind" them on each of those paths that they're doing it wrong.   A lot of people can't accept that not everyone *wants* to push every aspect of this to the ultimate limit, and that for many people, that extreme position is *not* the best for their family, health, or community.

For the record:

I mother-led weaned both my kids, one at 18 months, the second at 2.

I used a pacifier with one of my kids.

I am in love with both the concept of Free Appropriate Public Education *and* the way it is executed in my home town.

I birthed med-free in the hospital with CNMs.  Despite that, I had a full-on Odent-style FER, in which my 10-pounder fell out of me in one contraction.   Hah.

I vaccinate.  yes, I've done the research.  For real.   

I think GMOs are probably going to be necessary to feed the growing world population.

My kids went to daycare and I'm not ashamed of that fact, nor do I think working is incompatible with raising attached children.

Or, perhaps, there are people everywhere on the continuum who are just insecure, and who perceive anything different as a personal affront.  Those extreme viewpoints you listed are total strawmen and I have never seen anything of the type, but I have seen 1 zillion of these "I'm not crunchy" threads.  We need to go back to shutting them down b/c they are divisive, and rather than ameliorate mommy wars, they cause them.  What I see here is people complaining about a community which they willingly joined b/c that community is not entirely supportive of every single thing they have ever done.  There's TONS of things in my life that might fit on a thread like this, except I DON'T CARE.  I am here to learn and to help, not be validated.  I cannot learn by being in an echo chamber in which I only hear what I want to hear.  I cannot help by only stroking other people.  I agree with a PP that people need to put their big-girl panties on and conceive of the idea that different decisions are not personal affronts or attacks.  If a member here does behave so boorishly, then maybe it is about that person being a jerk, not about MDC being some horrible place.  I find it intensely... pointless... for people to join a community and then set themselves up as having a grievance against that community's very statement of purpose.  As we used to say in 8th grade, "Why be so ANTI?"

[jezebelle]

Originally Posted by Viriditas 

I thought this thread was all about creating LESS snark and judgement on these boards.  This remark seems very uncalled for.  And although I've stayed out of this thread, I have to say that your original "Have you been to the UC forum (read: Hey, you haven't seen weird until you've seen all those crazy whackadoos over in the UC forum)" comment was pretty rude, too.

At first I was going to post on this thread about all the non-AP/NFL things I do, but it's getting pretty negative and super, super defensive, so I'm just going to stay out of it. 
 

 

With all due respect, I think the rudeness and snark entered the thread about the same time people started coming in just to criticize it.  How is that constructive?  How is that positive?  I find it kind of hard to keep the frustration out of my (digital) voice, too, when people seem to be trolling threads looking for things to look down their noses at.  And my interpretation of the original comment on UC was that it doesn't get much more natural than UC.  Which I don't think the poster meant as a bad thing, just as one end of the spectrum, which is clearly represented here on MDC.  But, I am not the poster, so I can't be sure my interpretation is correct.

This thread would not have turned defensive if it hadn't first turned offensive. 

[jezebelle]

Originally Posted by Galatea 

Or, perhaps, there are people everywhere on the continuum who are just insecure, and who perceive anything different as a personal affront.  Those extreme viewpoints you listed are total strawmen and I have never seen anything of the type, but I have seen 1 zillion of these "I'm not crunchy" threads.  We need to go back to shutting them down b/c they are divisive, and rather than ameliorate mommy wars, they cause them.  What I see here is people complaining about a community which they willingly joined b/c that community is not entirely supportive of every single thing they have ever done.  There's TONS of things in my life that might fit on a thread like this, except I DON'T CARE.  I am here to learn and to help, not be validated.  I cannot learn by being in an echo chamber in which I only hear what I want to hear.  I cannot help by only stroking other people.  I agree with a PP that people need to put their big-girl panties on and conceive of the idea that different decisions are not personal affronts or attacks.  If a member here does behave so boorishly, then maybe it is about that person being a jerk, not about MDC being some horrible place.  I find it intensely... pointless... for people to join a community and then set themselves up as having a grievance against that community's very statement of purpose.  As we used to say in 8th grade, "Why be so ANTI?"

If you "don't care," why are you taking the time to post here?  I don't care about unassisted childbirth, so I don't troll the UC boards.

No, not every disagreement is a personal attack, but that doesn't mean personal attacks don't happen.  I have seen personal attacks, like the thread mentioned upthread about how daycare is a form of child neglect, but I haven't seen one of these threads before.  Perhaps that is because they were all shut down...

Sometimes adding "mainstreamers" to the mix doesn't make the "crunchy" more "mainstream," it makes the "mainstream" more "crunchy."  But not when this is the kind of reception a little venting gets you.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by PhoenixMommaToTwo 

I think the point was to point out the differences in all of us. There is no set "crunchy" standard (I hate that word too). I don't identify as either mainstream or crunchy or AP or NFL. I'm just a parent. Period. I make informed decisions for my family. And I do the best I can. Just like all of you are trying to do. The problem in trying to fit everyone into your perfect ideal of AP is that not everyone is and there are some who kill themselves trying to do it. How many posts have you seen from moms just at the end of their rope, looking for affirmation that it is indeed okay to set your crying baby down for a few minutes in a safe situation to take a parental time out and the responses have just ripped them to shreds? Or pushed them to just keep holding on, no matter the detriment to your mental health. You identify spanking, CIO and kool-aid in a bottle as dangerous, negligent parenting, I say that it's dangerous, negligent posting to sit behind a computer screen and make a person who is already in a vulnerable position feel so low about themselves that they have serious mental effects. I've seen it happen. Time and again. I stick because I can find resources for questions that either I have or someone in my life does. I take breaks form MDC because of those reasons.

Also, so off topic, but how are wood toys greener? Don't they use trees to make them? No snark. Just an observation.

I know that the point of this thread was to have a thread that was directly opposite of this thread:

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1317333/you-might-be-a-crunchy-parent-if

I think its really rude to jump on people on a thread where they are sharing things that they do that they consider "non mainstream" but then when you start your own thead to talk about how you "cancel out your APness" everyone who wants to disagree with any of the things you do is "on a high horse."

So really? MDC is now a place where mamas can be jumped on for saying that homeschooling is non mainstream and being proud that your kid doesnt know that babies are born in hospitals but its TOTALLY not okay to ask someone why they drive a gas guzzler intentionally? I see. Sorry, I didnt realize that.

[DirtyHippyMama]

Originally Posted by jezebelle 

I am really learning a lot from this thread.  I had no idea that using toys was considered against natural parenting.  I guess they have to be made of wood?  Which kind of makes me wonder what people who are against plastic toys feed their babies with?  Wooden spoons?  Wooden bowls?  Do they all cook in wooden pots, too?  I'm not being sarcastic, I am genuinely intrigued by people that don't sit their babies in anything plastic all day.  I am kind of confused by some of it, but at least I have learned that these topics are touchy. 

using toys in general is certainly not against natural parenting.  some NFL mamas prefer to stick with natural material toys (perhaps for environmental reasons, anti-made-in-china reasons, waldorf philosophy, or aesthetic reasons)

i don't like and do avoid plastic, but it stems from aesthetic preferences and not liking the taste of plastic (i know i'm perhaps unusual in that i can taste the difference), but the "health benefits" are just an added bonus.

anyway, to answer your questions:  i feed my baby with a steel spoon out of a ceramic custard ramekin.  my other children have used "real" plates and cups/glasses from the age that they can feed themselves with utensils (i expect breakage and stock up on $.19 dishes from the salvation army ).  i cook in steel, cast iron, and pyrex.  i personally detest wooden utensils (for eating with -- love them for cooking)...talk about raking an emery board over your teeth.

however, my baby sits in a plastic high chair, a jumparoo, etc.  but i imagine hard-core anti-plastic families have wooden high chairs, wooden floor gyms, and canvas baby hammocks (instead of a conventional baby swing).  i would have those, too, because they are pretty, but they are not in our budget. 

same for "natural" toys (mainly wood and cloth, some metal too).  they can be expensive.  most of our natural toys are either homemade, made in china (i.e. cheap), or really, honest-to-god NATURAL (i.e. sticks, rocks, vines, etc.).  i also have another "practical" reason for not liking plastic toys: many of them are poorly made, and will break easily when up against (at least) my children.  that, imo, is a waste of money as well as an unnecessary addition to the landfill.  and, the noisy battery-operated toys drive me insane.  i banned them years ago, simply to cut down on the chaos.  that said, there are still lots of plastic toys in our house (e.g. legos, anyone? ).

i also wanted to add that i have used pacifiers with every baby that would take one (not the current baby, grrr), and our kids play with toy weapons, too (military family, whattaya gonna do?).

[Bena]

Originally Posted by savithny 

Yes, you coudl tell all these "mainstreamers" at MDC to go away and find themselves a mainstream board.

But the fact is, there are differences of opinion about what is "mainstream," and what constitutes "AP" and what constitutes "natural living."  And invariably, people who come here for one thing (breastfeeding advice, or natural childbirth advice, or sleeping without CIO advice) run into people who have little checklists in their heads about "THE ONE WAY TO DO THIS."

So the person who wants advice on breastfeeding posts a generic question, and gets jumped on for being a big, mean, mother-led weaner.  "Don't Ask Don't Refuse is a weaning technique, mama!"   A person who posts about having weaned might get told that all her child's issues are due to that and she should relactate.   People asking for advice on potty training get told that even their cloth diapers are abusive and REAL AP parents are all into EC now.    

All these practices exist on a continuum, and it seems like often, there's a vocal minority at one end of the continuum, berating people, as though the object of being at MDC is to urge people on, like lemmings, off the edge of the world.  From Breast is Best, to "Aim for 2 years," to "let them decide when to wean."  From "Unmedicated labor is healthiest for the baby," to "Homebirth is the only way to have a good birth," to "Any birth attendant is unnatural!"      From "Spanking is wrong," to "Timeouts are bad," to "Saying no is harmful," to "expressing any opinion on your child's behavior is manipulative behaviorism."  From "public schools aren't very invidualistic," to "Homeschool so you're never separated from your kids," to "parents even suggesting books to kids destroys their intellectual development."

And there's always someone waiting in the wings to tell someone who they perceive as "behind" them on each of those paths that they're doing it wrong.   A lot of people can't accept that not everyone *wants* to push every aspect of this to the ultimate limit, and that for many people, that extreme position is *not* the best for their family, health, or community.

For the record:

I mother-led weaned both my kids, one at 18 months, the second at 2.

I used a pacifier with one of my kids.

I am in love with both the concept of Free Appropriate Public Education *and* the way it is executed in my home town.

I birthed med-free in the hospital with CNMs.  Despite that, I had a full-on Odent-style FER, in which my 10-pounder fell out of me in one contraction.   Hah.

I vaccinate.  yes, I've done the research.  For real.   

I think GMOs are probably going to be necessary to feed the growing world population.

My kids went to daycare and I'm not ashamed of that fact, nor do I think working is incompatible with raising attached children.

May I also add that you write very well!!!

[Bena]

i would also like to add to this discussion that the intention behind one`s action are also very important.  If you are doing something just because "all the cool kids are doing it", is it really fair to your family and your children?  To yourself?  Authenticity is a big buzz word in AP circles, but authenticity is about being true to yourself.  Regardless of what others are thinking and doing.

Soo....on this note....about the plastic high chairs...we have a wooden high chair.  But you know why?  It was pretty.  Really...that`s my reason!  Prettiness.  (ok, on a practical side too, the wood model we found was way smaller and that was a major plus is our small house) But really, prettiness won.

But oh boy, do we look natural and crunchy when you come in our living room!!

[dauphinette]

Originally Posted by Galatea 

MDC has a very clear purpose, and it needs to, b/c there are so many parenting forums out there, and the things that are normal here are super-weird anywhere else.  If you do something that is not generally accepted here, you are still welcome here, but you shouldn't look to this place for support of that particular thing.  We are not being callous when we say, "There are other forums for that," b/c there are no other forums for parents as "weird" as many people here.  MDC's purpose and orientation should not be interpreted as shaming, though individual people here may act like jerks at any point, and often do.  If your practices get challenged, here or anywhere, it is up to you to process the new information and decide if you're going to do anything about it.  There is no life guarantee that you will never be challenged.  Rather than nurse a list of resentments against people here who do things differently and are vocal about it, use that energy to either avoid the forum that "makes you" feel bad and/or actively explore those feelings.  In my experience, discomfort is a sure sign that I need to look at something inside myself.  There are many things I do that I would be able to list on a thread like this, but I feel no shame about them, and I won't list them here, b/c I think threads like this encourage a feeling of alienation and hostility which is anathema to the sense of community that is so wonderful about MDC.

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by jezebelle 

If you "don't care," why are you taking the time to post here? 

I meant, I don't care if some things I do or believe don't fit in with the MDC philosophy, and I don't post about them here, and I don't expect others here to be supportive of them.  I am posting in this thread b/c I think threads like this are divisive and hurtful to all involved.  They demean our community and propagate mommy wars.  I want people here to reconsider what they are doing in posting a list of "non-crunchy" things: they are feeding negative feelings in themselves and in others.  No matter what parenting philosophy one subscribes to, feeding negative things like unearned shame, discord, resentment and judgment is never a good idea.