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What do you do that cancels our your NFL/AP/CRUNCHY/NON-Mainstream/MDCness? - Page 23

post #441 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by alittlesandy View Post

Yeah, I've had it with "Take your not-so-pure AP-ish approach to a more mainstream forum." I can't get good advice in those forums! Mothering is wonderful. I am deeply in love with the community here, including the people who UC and never let a speck of plastic in their house. God bless people who are that committed! I am floored by how extreme some people are, in a good way! I ADMIRE YOU!!! I AM JEALOUS OF YOU!!! blowkiss.gif

 

However, I have never, in all my life, EVER fit in. I don't fit in completely here, and I certainly don't fit in at the more mainstream forums.

 

I need a safe place to talk about how to pump and bottle feed at 4 weeks when I HAVE to go back to work at 5 weeks, instead of being shut down with a single comment, "Mama, you should never offer a bottle before six weeks." I can't get help with this in a mainstream forum.

 

I want advice about wraps AND strollers. Cosleeping AND cribs.

 

I don't long for the "old days" of Mothering, because I am deeply relieved to know there are others like me. EVERYONE in my local mom's group had a homebirth, shunned bottles, still cosleeps, and don't own cribs or strollers. I think, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT WENT WRONG??? mecry.gif

 

Thank god these boards have not remained "pure to the ideals of AP/NFL" because otherwise I would be LOST...



I love you..I have never fit in anywhere either....I am like you in that I want advice on 2 different things...by the way, just started reading your blog and I love it!!

 

post #442 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post




hug2.gifnod.gif  I have an 11 year old.  I have loved him intensely from conception and put myself and my needs always below him and his.  I'm starting to see now, how little it's actually done for our relationship.  I've always done more for my children than I should, felt guilty about not doing enough, put myself last (with the exception of hiding out behind a locked door from time to time to gain some composure.)  I find now that my kids expect little things from me that are disrespectful and I've always really enforced that (like giving them my dessert or gathering up their dirty dishes and laundry while they play video games) I think it's great to know your limits and do what you can, but take care of yourself as well as you take care of your children.  It's really hard to balance that and I think it's great for you to acknowledge that you're doing it for you because you need it.  

 

I'm really starting to take care of my own needs lately and it's very nice.  I'm going to grad school (starts tonight!) just because I want to and it's just for me:)  You know, I'm not even my kids favorite parent???  After all I've done for them.LOL 

 

I want to add that I don't think that AP is the same as martyrdom at all.  My experience with overdoing it doesn't mean anything towards anyone else's way of doing it.  AP is great, martyrdom isn't.  I do a lot right, so I'm not bashing myself either when I say that I'd redo this one part of my parenting.

 



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

Goodness. I get all busy having a life and the flame fests continue without me.

I'm not going to have much of a list on this one, because I really am a dirty hippy freak. wink1.gif I'll go post over there after this, but my Gina wants to know more about my fall from grace and Im all about obeying the requests of my ladies. orngbiggrin.gif

We eat fast food sometimes. I practically live on Ramen. That's my big unhealthy food thing.
I am really upset that my youngest won't take a bottle of formula. I'm so sick of nursing I spend a lot of time crying about how much I hate it.
I love to travel and that is the most wasteful thing imaginable.
I'm a heller and I honestly think it's ok. My kid tells me when I'm being too loud or intense for her. She's really good at stating her boundaries and when she tells me I need to back off I do. It's ok that we otherwise have loud voices.


I'm going to jump on a hand grenade here. I've never really been fully clear on CIO. What exactly qualifies? To be honest there are times I put my baby in the pack n play and let her cry herself to sleep. It's never taken longer than 15 minutes. I do this because I have extreme mental health issues. I do this because I am sadly aware deep in my gut that I would be violent if I tried to martyr myself again. I just can't provide 24 hour physical contact anymore.I feel enormous guilt about this but I know this is the only way I will actually be a non-violent parent. Yeah, I feel judged here. I feel like me making a choice that makes us all a little bit unhappy is better than a choice that could be permanently damaging.


Every time someone says that ap is "natural" and that is why we should do it I want to point out that infanticide is natural. Many species of animals and cultures throughout history have deliberately killed off some of their children for many reasons. Can we not act like natural is the be all end all please?


And dude, I am totally here for friends. I'm kind of sad for people who aren't. And I really don't have time to spend on any other boards so I hope I don't get kicked out. greensad.gif



And this is why Dr.Sears also adds this other baby  B....BOUNDARIES.  He says that AP is not matyr mothering. He is speaking out against the extremeness of it all.  It makes me so sad and angry that mothers are taking this stuff so far that they are compromising their physical and mental health to be a perfect mother.  There is no such thing!!

 

post #443 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post


I was *really* not trying to say that every attached mother is a doormat.  I hope I didn't imply that.  However, *for me* I need boundaries a lot further out than some people or *I* feel like a martyr.  But I've got a lot of toxic stuff in my head other people don't.  

 

I feel judged here because I feel judged in pretty much all of society.  I was very badly socialized by my family.  I don't know how to feel "ok" because I was told from birth that I was evil/bad/everything was my fault.  This is something that was observed by outside people.  It was a really extreme case of child abuse.  My father started raping me when I was a toddler.  It got worse.

 

I'm really tired of people acting like I am an evil person because my kids sometimes have to cry themselves to sleep because I am walking a thin line.  Anyone who wants to rant at me about how I am abusing my kids can kiss my lily white ass.  You obviously don't know what actual abuse is.  I'm not a perfect parent, but I am not abusive.  And it's really hard to hear the constant, "Well I guess if we are really open minded we can tolerate formula feeding.  But not CIO.  Anyone who does CIO is harming their children!!"  No.  I would harm my children if I forced myself to touch them when I am having body memories of being raped and I want to lash out and hurt anything that comes near me.  

 

Just... ugh.



 



rightkindofme, I am so very sorry that you were abused as a child.  I think you are a wonderful mother who knows her limits.  AND IT'S REASONS LIKE THIS THAT WE CANNOT MAKE A BLANKET STATEMENT ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS.  WE CANNOT KNOW A MOTHER'S REASONS FOR EVERY PARENTING DECISON SHE MAKES. 

 

post #444 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaboss View Post





I agree. I'm quickly growing tired of the labels and making choices for my family based on what others think is best. We know what will or will not work in our homes, with our children or partners and with our own abilities, desires, sanity, etc. 



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaboss View Post

Oh man sosurreal! I am terrified about the health of our country overall. I too grew up in a very obese family. My parents, some siblings and much of my extended family are morbidly obese and it has absolutely fueled me to avoid that path. No we're not perfect, junk still gets through on occasion but I do find myself judging them (my family) and other's for their food/ dietary choices. It is hard cause you're right, ultimately it isn't our business but it breaks me to pieces when I'm say, paying for gas and there's an obese 4 year old with a 32 oz. soda pop and a candy bar in his hands. It's just so unfortunate that the culture of obesity and overall disregard for health is being passed on and perpetuated. I don't want to judge another mother based on what she's giving her kids but sometimes I wonder if we're doing everyone a huge disservice by not saying something... I don't know...

 



Do you realize that you contradicted yourself here?  You're absolutely doing the right thing by not saying something to parents of obese children about what they're feeding their children.  Would you even notice what a thin child was eating?  Since you have loved ones that are obese, you might like this blog http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2010/10/discussion-thread-i-was-fat-shamed.html 

What struck me is exactly what you said...an obese child with a soda and a pop...you feel you should say something.  You didn't just say a child.  I doubt that anyone would ever even notice what my thin children are eating or drinking in public.  It's something that most people would do without even realizing it, I've just been reading about it lately, so I'm becoming newly aware of this issue.  Try not to get lost in that blog..it's hard to stop reading.

 

post #445 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post





 





Do you realize that you contradicted yourself here?  You're absolutely doing the right thing by not saying something to parents of obese children about what they're feeding their children.  Would you even notice what a thin child was eating?  Since you have loved ones that are obese, you might like this blog http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2010/10/discussion-thread-i-was-fat-shamed.html 

What struck me is exactly what you said...an obese child with a soda and a pop...you feel you should say something.  You didn't just say a child.  I doubt that anyone would ever even notice what my thin children are eating or drinking in public.  It's something that most people would do without even realizing it, I've just been reading about it lately, so I'm becoming newly aware of this issue.  Try not to get lost in that blog..it's hard to stop reading.

 


First, thanks for the blog link, I'll have to check it out. 

However, I don't really see how I contradicted myself...

I feel like overall, in parenthood we face a lot of judgement, especially from other mothers. I had been in the habit of trying to live up to some hypothetical "standard" that over time just didn't mesh with my family or our lifestyle, finances and so forth. Over time and with some searching, I feel like we are working more toward our own ideal rather than someone else's. That's basically what I meant by my first statement.

When it comes to judging others, I don't think I am innocent by any means. We are all guilty of passing judgement at one time or another. I realize that is what I am doing when I look at my parents or other families choosing what they do. The judgement against my parents' choices are the main reason I make the dietary/lifestyle choices that I do. But I disagree with the notion that no one should say anything. I don't think I have any right or position to but things DO need to change. Doctor's and other care providers need to stop brushing childhood obesity under the rug. School lunches and the marketing of unhealthy foods to children need to change. It is not just overweight or obese children who are suffering either. I do notice what thin children are eating too, and feel am pleased to see when it is "real" food. Poor health isn't only going to manifest itself as excess weight and I think it is sad that the overall health of children is at stake. Physical and mental health. I have a sister who is six years old and she is becoming very aware of what she eats in a way no 6 yo should. At six she is afraid of eating foods that will "make her fat". I don't see her often enough to no if she is truly obsessing over it but she has made several comments that do worry me. 

I guess I just feel like we have a responsibility as parents to ensure our child's well-being and nutrition is definitely a factor in that. A piece of cake or some other treat every now and then isn't a bad thing at all. It is bad when a child's diet consists of nothing but, for lack of better word, crap. 

 

(I'm kind of rambling now, aren't I? I hope this all makes sense.)

 
post #446 of 468

--- fatshaming.   the last socially acceptable form of purposeful marginalization.  socially acceptable projection of hatred for the appearance of another person. 

i think there's a big disconnect between the actual parties who are responsible for the absolute cruddiness of our food, those who create products and market them to an insane degree, put hormones in our food, HFCS that is known to contribute to the most unhealthy living possible.. and the shame and blame for parents, many of whom do the best they possibly can.  processed food is cheap.  it's marketed so that kids frequently won't accept anything else.  parents who work and don't have time (or money) to prepare food in a way that would make it healthy.  i think we all need to take a long look at who is actually responsible for the crap that passes for food, and why there's so much of it, and why we put the blame on individuals rather than industry or government or capitalism.  fatshaming comes from fear, the industries that push consumerism, and is a subtle form of classism that people don't realize they are participants in. 

 

back to your regularly scheduled program.  thank you for allowing this interruption..........

post #447 of 468

Never assume you've found the last socially acceptable form of purposeful marginalization--you'll always be able to find another example! irked.gif

 

But I have to agree about the demonization of fat people and the focus on whether food is fattening. The reason for all the food additives is that the real ingredients are cheaper.  Worse than that, we're all focused on nutrients while the federal government cuts the budget for food safety enforcement. 

 

http://www.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/anson-kaye/2011/06/23/house-republicans-stop-pesky-food-safety-regulations

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by hildare View Post

--- fatshaming.   the last socially acceptable form of purposeful marginalization.  socially acceptable projection of hatred for the appearance of another person. 

i think there's a big disconnect between the actual parties who are responsible for the absolute cruddiness of our food, those who create products and market them to an insane degree, put hormones in our food, HFCS that is known to contribute to the most unhealthy living possible.. and the shame and blame for parents, many of whom do the best they possibly can.  processed food is cheap.  it's marketed so that kids frequently won't accept anything else.  parents who work and don't have time (or money) to prepare food in a way that would make it healthy.  i think we all need to take a long look at who is actually responsible for the crap that passes for food, and why there's so much of it, and why we put the blame on individuals rather than industry or government or capitalism.  fatshaming comes from fear, the industries that push consumerism, and is a subtle form of classism that people don't realize they are participants in. 

 

back to your regularly scheduled program.  thank you for allowing this interruption..........



 

post #448 of 468


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ View Post

I am going to admit that not having an epidural both times I gave birth had less to do with wanting to be "natural" and more to do with FEAR.  Fear of them shoving a needle in my back, fear of having something pumped into my spinal column, fear of having something ATTACHED to my spinal cord, allllll combined with what I watched my mother go through with her epidural when she had my sister at 41 years old. 

 

HOWEVER.  That did NOT stop me from BEGGING for one when I went into transition with matthew.  matter of fact, that was my cue that I needed to start pushing, the fact that I wanted one sooo bad.  lol.gif


nod.gif

I had initially planned a natural childbirth because my fear of the needle in my back and not being able to feel my legs far outweighed my fear of pain. As my pregnancy progressed and I learned more about it, I did become more convinced that it was the right choice for me.

 

Right before I started pushing DH said he had to go move the car, he was parked at the hospital illegally. As he walked out of the room I thought "Now I can have some drugs". I had already been telling him for at least 10 minutes I couldn't do it anymore and he kept telling me I could. But after he left I looked over and saw the doula and was like "oh crap'. It was too late anyway and I'm glad they got me through it.

 

post #449 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post



nod.gif I've not been in tears but have been upset by people jumping down my throat for not conforming to the perfect AP standard. It ticks me off how a person can just hide behind "Well, there are other mainstream boards if you want to have views like that" instead of actually considering somebody else's parenting choices as valid, for them.

 

Whatever happened to live and let live? Barring any actual child abuse (And no, that does not include formula feeding no matter how you slice it.) I don't see why all the extreme judgement and holier-than-thou even has to come into play. 

 

Why not bring more "mainstream" people in from other boards so they can be exposed to new ideas instead of kicking them to the curb for not quite making that mark. 
 

ITA!!!  clap.gif



 

post #450 of 468

I like tis thread. :)

 

- One boy is circd. The other, due in Nov/Dec, will not be.


- I like junk food sometimes and do not buy all organic

 

- My daughter takes a paci

- I HATE co-sleeping

 

-I do a light modified CIO sometimes

 

-I'm a vegetarian who is bad at remembering to eat veggies

 

-I do believe and practice corporeal discipline

post #451 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaliShanti View Post

I like tis thread. :)

 

- One boy is circd. The other, due in Nov/Dec, will not be.


- I like junk food sometimes and do not buy all organic

 

- My daughter takes a paci

- I HATE co-sleeping

 

-I do a light modified CIO sometimes

 

-I'm a vegetarian who is bad at remembering to eat veggies

 

-I do believe and practice corporeal discipline


by corporeal discipline you mean what? I don't want to assume you believe in hitting children, maybe you mean discipline regarding the body? like good posture or not putting the elbows on the table?

 

post #452 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by delfin View Post




..maybe you mean discipline regarding the body? like good posture or not putting the elbows on the table?

 

 

Sure..
 

 

post #453 of 468
Please dont hit your kids. Inflicting pain on children is not cool, and it doesnt have anything to do with whether or not you are "crunchy". Seriously, hitting a 2 and 4 year old? That is wrong.

I have only ever seen corporeal punishment or dicipline used to mean inflict pain, so I dont think you mean keeping elbows off the table.

http://www.creationists.org/corporal-discipline.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_punishment
post #454 of 468
I think delfin was confused by the term "corporeal discipline". Corporeal means related to the body, so it seems that she was giving the pp the benefit of the doubt and hoping she wasn't actually referring to hitting children (which is corporal punishment, not corporeal).

But yeah, hitting kids is not okay, It's not about crunchiness but about good, respectful parenting. The GD forum would be a good place to learn more...
post #455 of 468
I guess so. It was the "sure...." that made me think otherwise. If you didnt hit your kids and someone said they were going to assume you didnt, wouldnt you clarify that if you wanted to be sure no one thought you did hit your kids? I would, but not everyone thinks the same I guess. The GD forum was a good suggestion!
post #456 of 468

Please, if you are hitting your children, stop.  It is never ok to hit a child. 

post #457 of 468
Quote:
Originally Posted by hildare View Post

Please, if you are hitting your children, stop.  It is never ok to hit a child. 



I do not hit my children. :) Thanks!

post #458 of 468

Ok, I'll bite. What does "corporeal discipline" mean?

post #459 of 468

Yeah what exactly did you mean by that Kali?

post #460 of 468

I'm new to this board, and this website in general. I have been reading this entire thread, finding most of it pretty amusing (minus when people start getting upset or offended). I am also learning a lot! Question, why is it "bad" to praise your kids or tell them, "good job". I am asking out of genuine curiosity, not bc I am looking for anyone to defend that opinion! Also, I have read some people referencing how they let their kids enjoy licensed characters, why is that bad? Again, I am simply curious about these things!

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