New baby....daddy indecisive about his participation in baby's life....how to deal?

[elevena true]

      I am not sure what I am really asking, but feel like I need some perspective or perhaps comisseration? I am the mama to two lively girls, with another babe coming in early August. I have always been a single mom.....as I was not in a relationship with my eldest daughter's father, and had no desire to be, and my soon to be middle's papa, while a deep love of my life, opted to steal away and never look back. I have made peace with the emotional end of that, and truly feel blessed to have been able to live my life fully with my girls. I have never had many of he struggles of the mama's on this board...I am truly a single parent. I have no child support now nor ever, but I have no custody drama or unwanted presences. I have an amicable relationship with eldest daughter's father's side of the family, including siblings and love the partner (now ex-partner) that birthed them. She has access to these people without any pressure or obligation on me. It is truly lovely. I would love to have more contact with soon to be middle's papa/sisters, but that will come in due time- we are planning a move in that direction to make them accessible to her. That whole situation is complicated.

     My issue is with little baby baking's papa. Daddy number three ( I need no judgement, though I know how that aspect may sound to some, it is complex, a fully nullable detail, and not something I am seeking words on ) had been a friend for many years. There are many complex dynamics in play. First off, even in being romantically involved and hoping to create a life together, he was not parenting my older children, though in their lives as much as any of my dear friends. He has since moved thousands of miles away to reconnect with another part of his life, and though he has proven to be an engaged and loving papa to his older children, he has shown much discontent with another baby coming at this moment. Though we had consciously conceived a baby (lost to miscarriage) just before this one, he was bewildered by the timing of this one, and even asked me to consider termination or some other alternative. Beyond his inital adverse reaction and soon departure (though premeditated, after miscarriage and before baby), he has expressed a desire to have some role in baby's life, but has been unable or unwilling to put into words what that might mean to him.

    I guess where I am at now is, nearing the end of this pregnancy, feeling a deep love and connection with my baby baking, is disconnect with baby's papa. I have not had the experience of a partner in parenting through no defect of mine- unless, maybe, it is my strong drive, big dreams, and independence complex. Despite my track record with these 'baby daddies,' I am an intelligent, deeply moved and spiritual person. I feel like I am able to give more to my kiddos without a partner, though I do mourn "what might have been theirs" if I had a truly equal and loving partnership that offered as much attention their way as mine. It would also be great to have two people putting (financially) into their care. Wow, that would help a lot. But perhaps the ease and peace of mind I receive in not having to deal with legal aspects of daddies makes it all worthwhile. Daddy to baby baking is very ambivilant about what he can offer/what he envisions his role to be in baby's life, and though I do not want to- and don't feel it is possible to- perfectly pinpoint how it will be, I would really like the peace of mind of it being one way or another. It would be quite easy to dismiss the idea of daddy having any role, as I would be able to move on from the what-ifs, and simply enjoy my own little family, kwim?    

     I feel an internal struggle to just cut ties for now, and enjoy little babe, or try to reach out and reel him in to baby's life before important milestones are reached...like birth. As it his, papa's older kids were bourne into his hands, and he has a deep connection and responsibility he honors to them. It is hard for me to digest that he would care so much for some of his children, and completely diss another. There really has been no ill will between us, except when it came to the point of this babe's conception. He truly did not feel prepared, the timing was really terrible for him considering his own personal struggles, and while I can understand that, I personally had no desire to smother a little light being bourne into me. At that point, I told him with you or without you, and I am genuinely okay with either outcome.... I wish I could just be peaceful in knowing which it will be. Knowing what to expect is really soothing for me.

    Any advice? I know this is long-winded, and my apologies for that. I am just looking for something solid to bank on, you know? Even as unlikely as that seems.

[onemamabrown]

As I read this I was thinking that maybe you feel (probably rightly) that if he is there for the birth that he will be more likely to form a bond to his new baby. With the bond your new little one may have a shot at having a life where they aren't needlessly dissed by their dad for no reason. I totally understand you feeling this way.

It seems like he has already made his choice. That doesn't mean he won't change his mind several times at points. But does he have the luxury of just coming and going? 

It boils down to you making the decision. You already made the decision to keep the baby in the face of him asking you to consider termination. He is wish-washy about how he wants to be involved. It seems understandable that you would want to know if he's in or out, but I doubt he's going to give that to you. You have to be the one to dictate his involvement. 

I get the feeling that you would chose for him to be more involved than is likely. And its an awfully painful thing for you to extend an invitation to him and have him reject it (and needlessly painful for your little one). What is more protective in my opinion would be establishing clear boundaries to avoid further rejection (both yours and your little one's). 

Take control of this situation by setting limits. Regardless of whether he cares or even knows. I think if you can do that, maybe its the only way to find that peace you crave.

Know that you aren't ever really alone, that your other children will be welcoming their sibling into the world along with you. Find that inner grizzly and protect yourself and your little one's hearts,

:)

[sparklefairy]

I think he's a big boy who already has kids and knows what it's about and that you need neither to attract nor repel. Proceed as if it's all on you, and see what happens. No, that isn't fun -- I much prefer predicitability myself. My experience with baby dadies (just the one here, but that's blind dumb luck for most people my age -- not many among us have had but one partner!) is that I can plan and I can expect and he can say what will happen, but what usually does happen is not what he agreed to do, so my life is not dependent upon his actions.