Becoming a SAHM by necessity, not choice

[diana_of_the_dunes]

I'm currently feeling very conflicted about this.  I have a 20 month old DS, who is babysat by family when I'm at work.  I work afternoons, DH works midnights, so DS is only away from home 4 hours a day, an average of 4 days per week.  It's not a perfect arrangement; I don't see DS as much as I'd like, since he still takes a long nap in the morning, and I always end up feeling rushed to get him lunch and out the door.  The nice thing is that he's always cared for by people I trust, and he has a great relationship with all his caregivers (he's watched by my mom, DH's mom, and my best friend's parents).

I knew having a second child would throw a wrench into our arrangement.  My best friend's parents can't watch an infant and toddler while running their home business caring for the elderly.  My MIL has enough trouble keeping up with DS now, and I know caring for two kids under 3 would not be possible for her.  We planned on hiring a nanny to watch the kids at home after I returned to work.

And then I found out we're pregnant with twins.

Aside from maybe, maybe a well-qualified nanny, I don't think I could impose on anyone else (even my very AP-supportive mom) to watch all three kids on a regular basis.  And considering the going rate for nannies here (about $5/hr per kid, possibly more with two infants), my paycheck would pretty much be wiped out just from hiring help.

I've thought about SAH since I had DS.  I had a rough transition back to work, and there were so many times I just wanted to give up.  Now that he's a bit older, though, I am having an easier time.  There have been days I've been so relieved to just be able to get out of the house.  But I've also wanted to homeschool for at least a few years, and just be able to be there to personally raise my children.  

Right now, though, the decision to become a SAHM feels like it's being forced on me.  I love my job, and a make a bit more than DH.  At the moment, I'm planning on taking a leave-of-absence.  My employer has been very generous with these in the past, and I think I could get up to two years off with a guarantee of being able to come back to my position if I chose.  We have no debt, a paid off car in good condition, and a reasonable house payment.  It will be really tight financially, and I'm worried about losing the cushion that my salary provides.  I was pretty poor when I was going through college, and I'm not looking forward to stressing out about bills again.  Thankfully, DH's job has good benefits, and I could possibly keep mine while on LOA if I paid for them myself.

I'm worried I'll miss my job terribly.  I'm worried that I'll love staying at home, but we won't have enough money.  I'm worried that if and when I decide to go back to work, I'll have lost the relationships with my co-workers.  I'm worried about losing my retirement benefits (I'm 4 years away from being vested and receiving some type of benefit).  I'm worried that the renovations our home needs will never happen because we can't afford them.  I'm worried that we'll never be able to sell our current home and move somewhere better.  There are so many what-ifs running through my head, that if I wasn't exhausted from early pregnancy, I'm sure I'd be losing sleep.

How do you mamas cope?  Has anyone else had the decision made for them?  Did you resent it?  How did you make it work for you?

This is something that, overall, I want to do.  I just wish I could do it with DH making a bit more money!

[mtbmomma]

Honestly, I wouldn't do it unless you really want to.  Being a SAHM is hard work, and having twins and a toddler would make it extra hard.  Is it possible to keep your oldest in the same care, but use a different care for the twins.  Does your work have a daycare option?  Will your toddler be old enough and want to go to preschool part time once your maternity leave is up?  Maybe that would make it possible to find care for just the twins. I am staying home with my one toddler, and I definitely miss the outlet work provided.  At the same time I really don't want to miss out on this period of her life, but do miss having extra money and some time with adults and not discussing children.

Of course, if you really feel like staying home you could certainly make it work.  There are ways to cut back on finances and such, but it definitely makes it more difficult if you don't really want to be home.  Good luck, what a tough decision.  And congratulations on your pregnancy.

[diana_of_the_dunes]

Originally Posted by mtbmomma 

Honestly, I wouldn't do it unless you really want to.  

That's the sticking point.  I WANT to.  I'm just not sure if it will make financial sense and that it's worth giving up our future family goals (buying more property, getting livestock, becoming more self-sufficient).  I never dreamed of staying in our current home to raise a family.  In facet, when we bought this house, we weren't even planning on having kids ever.  Thankfully, we're not in a bad neighborhood, and we have half an acre of land, but we're on a busy-ish street and near a bar that's noisy on weekends.  So I'm trying to adjust my thinking.

There is no daycare option at work.  I'm in law enforcement, so there's no part-time options either.  The current administration would allow me to work in any area I chose, so I could have a desk job or a different shift if I asked.  I'm grateful for how supportive they are being of my pregnancy and motherhood priorities.  If I did end up resigning after the leave of absence, I'm positive, that if I kept up my certifications, they would hire me back at a later time.

The financial security aspect worries both DH and I.  He grew up in a very poor household, and he has fears of raising children in poverty.  I can't imagine that we would ever manage our money so horribly that we would be in the same position his mother was.  DH makes a decent salary, and we currently live far below our means.  It's just the idea that we'd be making less than half of what we do now...  Though DH can work part-time jobs (he's in law enforcement too, so there are always security details available) if we need extra cash.

I just don't know.  I desperately wanted to stay home with DS, but convinced myself that it made more sense to return to work.  I'm horribly logical, and my decisions aren't always based on what I want, so much as what I think to be necessary.  This may be my opportunity for what I want and what our family needs to coincide.  It's just hard to take the plunge, especially feeling like I don't have a choice - even though I obviously do.  There's nothing stopping me from hiring a nanny when the twins are 6 months old and going back to work.  It's just that there's some mental block I seem to have that is telling me I HAVE to stay home now.  

[SilmarwenCaran]

I have been in the same situation for several years. I was working full time and making more than DH as well until we started our family. My twins are 3 now and their Sis is 5 and I am currently homeschooling them. I'll be honest being a SAHM is VERY difficult. If you make the decision to SAH after working you will sometimes feel like you don't matter in contributing to the family like you used to and it will stress you out. Just because you aren't physically in "the field" doesn't mean that you aren't working, in truth you are contributing something far greater than money, your time. This kind of contribution is rare, difficult and lasts a lifetime. It took a while for me to realize this. Another thing to consider is that your transition from working can be difficult. You would be going from your normal modes and scheduling to something that might be wholly alien to you. I would suggest making a transitional schedule although once your twins are born that can be VERY tricky, so be flexible and don't put to much pressure on yourself. I wish someone had told me that when I started being a SAHM!  LOL!

The transitions from working to SAHM is a trial but one that is definitely worth it. If you do decide to SAH make sure that you have excellent communication with your DH because it is essential. My DH and I have a nightly chat where we talk about whatever is bothering us and TRY to hash it out in a positive way. Also when you are a SAHM your time is not your own anymore and that can mess with your head at first so make sure to make time for yourself. I am not trying to dissuade you from being a SAHM I am just being honest about what issues I ran into so hopefully you can have a smoother start than I did.

As for your worries...you need not put so much stress on yourself. No one has answers to those types of questions right now. My suggestion is try to relax and cross those bridges when you get to them. Carrying twins is hard enough and the stress it puts on your mind and body. Don't let these things mar your experience and the awesomeness of having twins. I do fully understand where you are coming from but I also understand that every time I tried to answer those kinds of questions, I would crash and burn. HARD. 

As for the financial aspect, it really comes down to what you are ready to give up, if being a SAHM means less income. That is something only you can answer. I too had no alternative to being a SAHM and my DH and I had to give up A LOT because of it. It was difficult, at first, but I gotta tell you it's the best thing we ever did. I don't mind not having all of the extra benefits anymore and because of it we are debt free. As I said though, it's really about what you are willing to let go of. I would never judge you if you weren't prepared to give up things like your work benefits because I have been in that situation too.

I also want to mention, that I appreciate and respect mothers who work and I in no way am saying that one way or the other is "best" because in truth we are all working for the benefit of our families, just in different ways.

I am *obviously* a newbie here so please forgive me if I have crossed any lines. Still learning the ropes! :)

[mamazee]

Do you have to make a decision now? I'd keep your options open and see how you feel later. Take a leave of absence, see how flexible they'll be with that, like could you go back after 6 months if that felt right, but continue for a longer period of time if the twins or you weren't ready? And then I'd feel flexible about child care. I wouldn't assume you have to keep the twins with the older child. Maybe keep the older child in the current situation and see if you can find something else for the older ones. But mainly I'd kind of take one day at a time and see how you feel after the twins are here. You have to consider both your feelings - you might really miss work - and also the practical aspects of it - child care, the physical needs of the twins and your older child. But mainly I'd try to keep options open and not make any firm plans until you absolutely have to. Also, I wouldn't worry too much about where you're living now. Babies don't require so much living space as toddlers. Even if you stay home for a full two years, you would still be able to move after that if you needed more space. But try to relax! Carrying twins is a lot of work and you don't need to get stressed out on top of it. It sounds like you have more than one OK- to-good options, not a terrible situation you're trying to avoid.

[zoebugsmom]

You say you make more than your DH.  Could he stay home with the kids?  I have a couple of friends who work and their husbands stay home with the kids since they make more money. 

Another thing you could (probably should) do is try living on 1 income while you're still working.  Put all of your or his pay checks into savings so you have a big buffer and can learn to live on 1 income while you still have the buffer of 2.  It will give you a good savings for emergencies and you can make adjustments now before you have the added stress of 2 new babies.  Learning to live on just 1 income was really difficult for us and I wish we had done this.

[diana_of_the_dunes]

((ETA: I have no idea what happened with the font/formatting here...))

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee 

Do you have to make a decision now? I'd keep your options open and see how you feel later. Take a leave of absence, see how flexible they'll be with that, like could you go back after 6 months if that felt right, but continue for a longer period of time if the twins or you weren't ready? And then I'd feel flexible about child care. I wouldn't assume you have to keep the twins with the older child. Maybe keep the older child in the current situation and see if you can find something else for the older ones. But mainly I'd kind of take one day at a time and see how you feel after the twins are here. You have to consider both your feelings - you might really miss work - and also the practical aspects of it - child care, the physical needs of the twins and your older child. But mainly I'd try to keep options open and not make any firm plans until you absolutely have to. Also, I wouldn't worry too much about where you're living now. Babies don't require so much living space as toddlers. Even if you stay home for a full two years, you would still be able to move after that if you needed more space. But try to relax! Carrying twins is a lot of work and you don't need to get stressed out on top of it. It sounds like you have more than one OK- to-good options, not a terrible situation you're trying to avoid.

No, I don't have to make the decision now.  I'm going to start with a 6 month leave of absence, then move on from there.   I know without a doubt that I will miss work.  Nearly all my friends are there, and I enjoy the social aspect as well as my actual work.  I'm also a planner by nature, and I feel somewhat adrift right now with all the uncertainties.  I know that, logically, I have lots of options.  It just feels like I need to have a plan.  But I guess my plan is to see how things go!

Originally Posted by zoebugsmom 

You say you make more than your DH.  Could he stay home with the kids?  I have a couple of friends who work and their husbands stay home with the kids since they make more money. 

Another thing you could (probably should) do is try living on 1 income while you're still working.  Put all of your or his pay checks into savings so you have a big buffer and can learn to live on 1 income while you still have the buffer of 2.  It will give you a good savings for emergencies and you can make adjustments now before you have the added stress of 2 new babies.  Learning to live on just 1 income was really difficult for us and I wish we had done this.

DH would be a good SAHD, but he is much more motivated to continue working than I will ever be.  He also hates to cook.  I'm somewhat cluttered, but I'm by far the more organized of the two of us.  He'd be wonderful with the kids, but the house would probably fall apart...    

We have always lived far below our means.  We have a savings account, and we contribute to it every month.  I'd like to "practice" living on one income, but we're also trying to get a few repairs/renovations completed on the house before the new babies arrive.  When I was on maternity leave last time, though, we didn't spend any of our savings in the 3 months that I was off.  Our lifestyle, frugal though it is, changes quite a bit when I'm not working.  I have the time to cook more often, and we take fewer trips to the store.  It will certainly be an adjustment, though.  We are fortunate enough to be debt-free except for our house, and I have a large garden.  We can and freeze our own produce, and I'm learning to bake bread.  For the past few years, I've felt a strong calling to be a "homesteader", and I'm looking forward to having more time to explore this new "career" while I'm off work.  For however long that might end up being.