Teen who is doing and saying things for the shock value

[APmama2three]

Hello!  I have a 13yo that is having some emotional and behavioral issues.  I am working on getting him into counseling, but so far he won't talk.  I was talking to a friend who also has a 13yo boy and we found that both of our boys seem to exhibit bad behavior for a sort of shock value response from us.  Anybody have any insight for us?

[Lisa1970]

I never act shocked. Maybe that reduces this behavior. If they lit their heads on fire..I would pretend to be unphased.

[ollyoxenfree]

What do you consider "bad behaviour"? My response might be different if they are experimenting with drugs, shoplifting and beating up other kids than if they are eating up all the food in the house between meals, forgetting to hand in homework on time and heading out with friends without giving you an itemized itinerary of where they will be every moment that they are away from home. 

Without knowing what the problem areas are, I can only speak in generalities. A 13 y.o. will test limits and try to establish their independence. That's all normal and it's a balancing act to extend freedom while still providing guidance. I think working on mutual respect and trust is crucial. Since you are seeking counseling, it sounds like he is dealing with more than the typical stretching of wings that teenagers try out, so respect and trust may be tough right now.

I don't get uptight about things that other parents might fuss about.  My teens have pretty bizarre hair (shaved bald, mohawk spikes, coloured - we've seen it all), and clothes (studs, patches, tears, stencils). Since I don't give them a hard time about appearance or the music they listen to or where they go with their friends or how they spend the money they earn at their part-time jobs, there isn't an atmosphere of resentment or rebelliousness about things like attending school and helping around the house. We do have standards for the things that matter to us like using good manners, attending school, obeying the law. We've focused on having a good attitude about those things and if they have their own ideas about other stuff, it isn't shocking to us. 

[whatsnextmom]

It's hard to say not witnessing it personally. 13-year-old boys aren't the most pleasant in general (though, I'd wager still more so than 13-year-old girls lol.) It's an age where they are trying to break from their parents a bit and forge an identity seperate from them. I'd say attitude and a change in behavior or pretty normal but again, much depends on the extremity you are experiencing.

Originally Posted by APmama2three 

Hello!  I have a 13yo that is having some emotional and behavioral issues.  I am working on getting him into counseling, but so far he won't talk.  I was talking to a friend who also has a 13yo boy and we found that both of our boys seem to exhibit bad behavior for a sort of shock value response from us.  Anybody have any insight for us?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by APmama2three 

 I am working on getting him into counseling, but so far he won't talk. 

I don't understand what you are saying. Is he in counseling or not? Who won't he talk to you... you or his counselor?

If it's you, what do you try to talk to him about?

Advice that I got from a therapist was to talk to teens about what they are interested in -- the shows they like, the games they play, etc. Teens are actually more interested in talking to us about themselves than listening to us.

And it's unreasonable to expect a teen to dissect their behavior and tell us "what is going on" with them. They don't understand it, so they can't tell us.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Advice that I got from a therapist was to talk to teens about what they are interested in -- the shows they like, the games they play, etc. Teens are actually more interested in talking to us about themselves than listening to us.

Absolutely! It also helps if you educate yourself a bit on what they're interested in. While I didn't like a lot of stuff my son listened to, there was a lot that I did like. When I took the time to really listen to - especially with my head in a teen's perspective. I read a lot of books that I may not otherwise have picked up. Watched a lot of movies/shows I wouldn't have picked.

It provides both a frame of reference and a common ground. 

It would help, though, to know what you mean by misbehavior...