newly separated.... he's not gone yet....advice, something, please...

[4C-mom]

never, ever saw this coming. never wanted to be a single parent. i have so many thoughts going through my head and hope someone who has been there has some words of wisdom

the situation--

never married, but been together for 12 years. have four kids (10, 8, 6, and 3---but by end of summer and all birthdays pass they will be 11, 9, 6, 4). have a house. have two cars. no, the relationship has never been great, but it hasn't been bad. just comfortable and there. not overly  loving or affectionate. he has decided he doesn't love me anymore. he said he's been feeling like this for awhile, and has been pretending. sunday, i was at work, and he was grumpy. so i asked him (via text) what was wrong, and he said "we'll talk about it when you get home" and i just knew....b/c he always talks about stuff via text. so 3 hours later, i came home and he said all that. anyways. he originally said that he would stay here for 2 years to help out while i finish up grad school (CNM). I wanted him too.

later that night, i took the kids and had a sleepover at my firends house and realized that i cannot do that. i cannot live in a house with someone who does not love me. Its killing me to even look at him. He has been very amicable about this

so, i've been keeping out of the house (with kids) all day and coming back when he's at work. he then comes home after i am asleep. He says he is going to move to his grandmothers house (after discussion and we both agreed that he shouldnt stay here). we discussed via text, that he should leave tomorrow, while we were gone. i dont want to see that and the kids shouldnt either.

well, now he says he can't leave til next week. I dont know what to do about this. I don't want to see him. Eventually I do, but now I cannot. He will be watching the kids while i work, and watching them at my house. Do I insist he leave? otherwise, how do I survive for another week?

i just cannot wrap my mind around this. i still ahve to tell the kids. HOW do you tell the kids? THis can't be me..... 12 yeas is my entire adult life, sinc eage 18. i feel like him still being in the house is dragging out my misery, the inevitable. i am angry at him for doing this, but maybe a bit relieved too? It's so hard not to think about what he's doing today, or to text him about something.....

im keeping teh house b/c i am the only one who can afford it.

any words of advice? i mean, I know im just rambling...... but i dont know what to say. is this really me?

thanks.

[Forsanda]

No advice, but I just wanted to say that it won't be easy telling the children or getting through the next week, but you can do it! 

[*MamaJen*]

I'm sorry. It won't be easy and it will take time. But as much hurt as I hear in your post, I think I can also hear relief? You've been together since you were 18, a kid really, and now you're only 30? The relationship has never been great and the split is amicable. You've got a good career and a college degree and soon you'll have a masters. Give yourself time to grieve and heal for this relationship that you've been in for literally all your adult life. But allow yourself to feel that little flicker of relief and hope that is telling you that this could be the route to the next phase of your life. You may have to go through this difficult transition to find more happiness in the future.

My advice to you is to get a custody and child support agreement on paper. Even if you were never married -- especially if you were never married -- it's important to get his responsibilities legally written out (ask me how I know...).