How I have been humbled...

[alittlesandy]

I'm starting this thread in an attempt to put a more positive spin on the anti-crunchy and anti-mainstream threads.

The reason I got upset by the other thread "You might not be mainstream if..." is that the first post said something like, "My son doesn't think that babies come from hospitals." Therefore, if your baby came from a hospital, you are mainstream. This sentiment is expressed again and again in many posts, such as the other one that upset me about baby bottles not being welcome in someone's house. When I express a difference in my experience, I get, "Well, nobody's perfect."

BUT, I overreacted. You see, I WANT my son to know that babies come into the world in a variety of ways from a variety of places. That's my choice. My birth did not feel like a "choice" to me (it was to save my son's life), but how I choose to view it IS a choice.

I think the other reaction thread has gotten too nasty. I'm trying to articulate what I think causes a lot of hard feelings on both sides. I think some of it has to do with pride.

See, before I had my emergency c-section, I KNEW I would have a homebirth. And to be honest with you, I secretly judged women who had c-sections, thinking, they must have done SOMETHING. Now I know better. I have been humbled.

I have been humbled by an emergency c-section.

I have been humbled by the nurse who helped me nurse my son for the first time.

I have been humbled by having to pump and give a bottle to my son at five weeks.

I have been humbled by having to push my son in a stroller when my c-section scar wouldn't heal properly.

I have been humbled by having to buy non-organic products because I can't always afford the organic ones.

I have been humbled by my son, who adores some of his plastic toys so much I couldn't bear to take them away.

I have been humbled by my son, who refuses to talk or potty learn, but strokes my arm when I'm upset.

These things have made my less judgmental, and more compassionate, toward what so many parents, mainstream and crunchy, have to go through.

What have you been humbled by?

[*bejeweled*]

What a wonderful thread.

I was humbled by DD not latching on for the first few months. I had to pump and give her bottles until DH taught us how to nurse.

I was humbled by the absolute beauty of DD. What a gift from God.

I was humbled when it took me 10 years to get my Doctorate.

I was humbled when we moved from our home to an apartment. (Love this decision now)

I am constantly humbled and in awe of life.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I have been humbled by having a 3 year old still pooping and peeing in a pull-up (he was, not anymore, THANK GOD!). My almost 3 year old still is.

I have been humbled by a child that would NOT SLEEP unless he was attached to my boob for the first 8 months of his life. 

I have been humbled by the idea that if I dont vax my children, they will have NO allergies. 

[mtiger]

At the end of the day, the majority of us do our best as parents. We may not all do the same as everyone else, but we do our best. Instead of judging one another, perhaps we should focus on how we can help those who are TRULY abusive or neglectful. Bottle feeding, hospital birth, etc. isn't it.

IMO.

[choli]

I've been humbled by the fact that if you have more than once child, there will be times when one of them has to be let cry while you tend to the other's more urgent needs. And they both survived and are not brain damaged by crying, contrary to what I have read here on MDC on more than one occasion.

[Drummer's Wife]

I was also first humbled by an unexpected c-section after knowing for sure, I would have a med-free wonderful childbirth.  I was then again humbled when my vba2c didn't work out, and I've now had a total of 4 c-sections which is something I never would have imagined when I got pregnant for the first time and started planning in my head how everything from labor to parenting an older child would go.  First rule of becoming a parent is that you really can't plan anything.

I was humbled when I had a hard time breastfeeding my first baby, and sat in tears and pain for weeks until we both figured it out.  That was with a ton of support from my family and mom who is a midwife, plus visits with a lactation consultant to help us out.  We managed someone to have a good nursing relationship, but those first 6 weeks really humbled me b/c I assumed breastfeeding was natural and would be easy-going.  Oddly enough, I also had a hard time with latch and nursing when my 4th baby was born, despite the fact that I was still nursing my then 2 yr old, too.  It also worked out in the end.

I was humbled when I wasn't able to do child-led weaning as I hoped (I was tandem nursing a 1 and 3yr old), b/c I spent 3 weeks in the hospital and was unable to maintain my supply or nurse again once I recovered. 

I was humbled when my first toddler fell in love with Winnie the Pooh even though I swore we would be "character free".  Suddenly, my child's wants trumped many ideals I once held.  Same for plastic/battery operated toys, Disney movies, Barbies, and the once dreaded 'baby containers' like swings, bouncy chairs, etc.

I was/am humbled knowing that for me, parenting multiple older children is tons harder than parenting babies.  It certainly hasn't gotten easier, in a lot of ways, as they have grown - even though they sleep through the night, can use the toilet, take showers, and so on.  It's a different kind of hard, and I'll admit now that I still have no clue what I am doing most days.

I'm humbled every time I think "never say never" b/c you are bound to change your thought process over and over again through your parenting journey

[HannahW]

I have been humbled by the fact that my hubby was right and I was wrong... On so many things.

By the fact that my dd (14 mo) is so independant that she no longer wants to be wrapped. :(

By the fact that the person or the thing you fear dealing with is the one that could help you the most.

By the fact that I thought I would have to trust God to not use bc (We both felt like we should not use it. Personal choice. No judgment), and now I am haveing a tough time with not being pregnant yet... In his time I guess.

By the fact that every time I get cocky, I get humbled a little.

[hildare]

i've been humbled several times (how many times does it take?) by the fact that "trust your body" doesn't always work and isn't always the case.  if i'd trusted my body to pass what turned out to be an ectopic, i'd probably be dead. 

my body also didn't have a clue as to what to do to nurse our dd.. if i hadn't had lots of help from the hospital people, i don't know what would have happened. 

i am also humbled by the fact that i have a mean baby, even though we're super gentle everything with her.  :)  she has violent hands!

[CI Mama]

I was humbled by how long it took me to get pregnant and by how many medical interventions were needed to make it happen.

I was humbled by labor and by the c-section that eventually took place. For more humbling birth stories, this thread may be of interest:

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1217886/humbling-beginnings

I was humbled by how much recovery time my body needed, how long it took to feel well, and how slow the weight loss has been.

I was humbled by a breast infection that took 12 weeks & 4 rounds of antibiotics to heal.

I've been humbled by my DD's sleep patterns, her need to do things in her own way on her own time, and the profound sleep deprivation that has resulted for me (but is finally resolving!).

In fact, it's hard for me to think of something on my parenting journey that hasn't been humbling.

I am also profoundly grateful for my experience. I wanted to become a parent in part because I knew it would change me. Those changes have come in ways that are completely unexpected. I have unlimited opportunity to learn to let go and enjoy the experience that's unfolding, rather than the one I wish I were having.

[meemee]

i have been humbled big time, BIG BIG time by my own self realisation about my relationship with my mother. it took me 40 years of pain to realise my perceptions of my mom were my OWN issues. it had NOTHING to do with how my mom parented. my mom tried. she tried really hard. but we spoke different love languages and could never figure out each others love language. 

that one humbling eureka moment has just completely changed my world. it has made me a less stressed, a 'free' mother. a mother who tries her best to understand her dd and be the guide dd wants me to be and to respect her wishes esp. when they go against mine. 

all that others - csection, cloth diapers, etc are sooooooo small compared to the real test of parenting. imho. who cares whether you use the stroller or the sling. what matters is did you listen to yourself and your child and make your decision based on that or did you follow a parenting book?!!!!

from the moment of her birth my intense HN's dd humbled me by DEMANDING i be the parent she wants me to be. 

as a parent i am who i am not by the research i did, but by the whipping my dd always bestows on me - questioning every single decision. 

especially today. especially NOW. 

hah!!!! i thought all this while i was parenting. HAH!!!! parenting has JUST begun for me. anything before has just been teh building of a strong foundation. i have finally started building my house. 

[DariusMom]

My whole parenting journey has been humbling . . .. but I think the most humbling things were:

DS' tongue tie making a real latch almost impossible, necessitating pumping for months (no one here knew how to deal with it and we were never able to nurse ) I had assumed breast feeding would be easy-peasy

DS' dyslexia. He just doesn't like to read. I have a PhD and am a huge book worm. It's really hard for me to accept.

As part of this, having to realize that, as much as I had mocked Waldorf (i'd been known to call it "woodorf" from time to time) in the past, a Waldorf school really was the best fit for DS.

Ultimately, what's both humbling and wonderful about this parenting gig is how much I've learned about myself --- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can honestly say that, as the years have gone by, I'm *much* less judgmental than I used to be. I love my DS with all my heart and he teaches me something new every day. I'm blessed to have him, even if he's not the exact "mini-me" I thought he'd be.

[lkvosu]

Ds is only 7 months, so the humility lessons have only just begun...

But, in these few months, I've been humbled more than anything by COLIC.  Back before ds was born and I knew everything, I thought colic was really caused by mainstream parenting. How snobby and short-sided I was! I thought "I'll wear my baby, breastfeed on demand, cosleep, etc, and my baby won't ever need to fuss". I almost laugh at how ridiculous that was!  Ds flat out refused to be worn. He still won't let me do it for more than a few minutes.  He wanted to be held - no sling, no wrap, nothing but in arms! He also refused to eat much of day so the whole "bf'ing on demand" theory was of no use. He got all his calories at night. I also was sure that I wouldn't be one of constantly sleep deprived parents because we would co-sleep and I wouldn't need to get out of bed to comfort a crying baby.  HA! How wrong I was! Although we cosleep, he ate all.night.long those first few months. There was no medical reason for the crying (that we could find anyway) and he eventually stopped after about 3 months, but, boy, I learned those lessons the hard way.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by hildare 

i've been humbled several times (how many times does it take?) by the fact that "trust your body" doesn't always work and isn't always the case.  if i'd trusted my body to pass what turned out to be an ectopic, i'd probably be dead. 

my body also didn't have a clue as to what to do to nurse our dd.. if i hadn't had lots of help from the hospital people, i don't know what would have happened. 

i am also humbled by the fact that i have a mean baby, even though we're super gentle everything with her.  :)  she has violent hands!

You know she's really too young to be "mean," right?  (assuming this is your nov '09 baby)  My older son did not have "violent hands", but my 2 year old always has.  I don't think it has anything to do with meanness or niceness, but, in our case, more about carefulness and deliberateness.  My little one really goes after what he wants whereas his brother was more relaxed and patient.  When my 2 yo was five months old he raked my cornea with his fingernail and I still wake up at least once a week in terrible pain from it.  

I think maybe I haven't been so humbled by a lot of the things you guys have mentioned because I didn't have the same expectations going into it.  Like, I have juvenile diabetes, so the likelihood of me escaping a c-section was pretty minimal.  So, I labored for 30 hours and then pushed for 3 hours before I had my c-section and I felt like that was a *real* accomplishment, that I gave it such a go.  I was very happy about how it all played out.  Right down to my awesome c-section.  But I think with different expectations I would have been devastated.  Nursing was so so important to me, and I was very scared that if I ended up with a c-section that would start me out on the wrong foot and there'd be this terrible cascade that led to formula feeding.  So, when it took us almost three months to get to the point that nursing wasn't difficult and full of anxiety, I didn't think of it as any kind of failure.  I was just so happy we had made it.  I wonder if this makes me a glass half empty kind of person.  lol

I am lately feeling fairly humbled by the fact that my two year-old is ALL about daddy.  And I'm humbled by the fact that it bothers me.  I should be comfortable enough with myself and my mothering that I only appreciate what a sweet relationship they have, right?

I am also humbled by how hard it can be to communicate with a seven year-old.  

[Storm Bride]

I was humbled by my first c-section. (I was pretty arrogant in my belief that I'd have a natural birth - and really wanted one, as being a c-section baby myself has always bugged me.) I wasn't humbled by much else with ds1, because I went into parenting - the first time - with the belief that I didn't know much and would have a lot to learn. But, ds1 was an awesome kid, and I thought I was an awesome mom, and he was 10 before I had another baby, so:

I was humbled by dd1's refusal to sleep on or near me.

I was humbled by my inability to comfort her when she cried...for hours...every night.

I was humbled by the fact that dh's approach to dealing with her, which was totally different from mine, worked and mine didn't.

I was humbled by the realization that having done it all right (mostly) once didn't actually make me the all-knowing, perfect mom.

I was humbled by my inability to cope with the frustration of dealling with ds2.

I was humbled by the fact that he was still peeing - daily - on my carpets at 4.5.

I've been humbled by the fact that I've used more tv as the last few years have gone by, not less.

I've been humbled by dd1 loving pink.

I've been humbled by finally having a "typical" sleeper in dd2 (really thought I was some kind of bedtime whiz, when I had three who slept through the night consistently by a year old).

And, not directly parenting related. But, my first marriage, and subsequent divorce, humbled me big-time. I wasn't going to get a divorce, because I took marriage sooooo seriously. (And, yes - I know many people get divorced even though they take marriage seriously - I think my previous view was a backlash to people telling me not to be nervous when I got married, because "you can always get a divorce if things don't work out".) And, I'd done everything "right"...not rushed into it, long engagement, not living together first, etc. etc. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah...right.

That's most of it.

(The rest of my reproductive life went way beyond "humbling" me. I think I'll still be putting the pieces of myself back together when I'm 90.)

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

And, not directly parenting related. But, my first marriage, and subsequent divorce, humbled me big-time. I wasn't going to get a divorce, because I took marriage sooooo seriously.

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I was humbled by having extreme marital problems and even separating from my DH for awhile, even though we were the perfect little APing/Homeschooling family.  Deeply humbled. We pulled through and have a deeper relationship now because of what we went through, but I see marriage completely differently now, and came away minus the judgement I used to feel toward those whose marriages end.

I've also been humbled by having a sn child. Many of the hoped-for outcomes of APing aren't true for my child. I thought I knew everything I tried so hard to be perfect, and I learned to let go. I learned to live in the moment and breath in What IS.

I think that humbling experiences can be like going through fire, burning away our views and opinions, with the possibility of leaving us more accepting of others and of reality.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I was humbled by having extreme marital problems and even separating from my DH for awhile, even though we were the perfect little APing/Homeschooling family.  Deeply humbled. We pulled through and have a deeper relationship now because of what we went through, but I see marriage completely differently now, and came away minus the judgement I used to feel toward those whose marriages end.

This. I knew, intellectually, that divorce isn't as clean as it looks from the outside...but it's a lot different to know it in your head than to actually go through it.

I've also been humbled by having a sn child. Many of the hoped-for outcomes of APing aren't true for my child. I thought I knew everything I tried so hard to be perfect, and I learned to let go. I learned to live in the moment and breath in What IS.

Yeah...I would have posted more "I was humbled by...." about ds2, but I don't even know how to put it in words yet. I don't know for a fact that he has special needs, but I do know that I don't know what the heck I'm doing when it comes to trying to parent him well. It's hard.

I think that humbling experiences can be like going through fire, burning away our views and opinions, with the possibility of leaving us more accepting of others and of reality.

I'd have to agree.

[karne]

I am humbled, every day, by the realization that I have my beautiful family.  Dh and I didn't know for sure that we would.  I do not take it for granted, ever.

Like dariusmom, I am humbled to have a child with dyslexia.  I watch this bright, amazing child navigate the world each day, and know that I never had such fortitude and courage.

I was humbled and terrified to watch my preemie son make his way in the world.  Every accomplishment makes me cry with gratitude.

Thank you, OP, for this thread.

[sosurreal09]

I have humbled myself with my views on FF. I am not the person who gets to deem if it is necessary or not...although it is still hard for me when I see most woman choosing to FF.

DH has humbled me into a trusting, more submissive-type of person. (I had a lot of issues before from past abuse and was "hard as nails" type of gal)

I have come to the realization that as long as you don't physically or verbally/emotionally harm your child, you can be a good parent even without being an AP parent.

I have been humbled by my DDs vax reactions...(reversible TG but it was hell going through it)

Also before I ever had kids I totally thought I would be a hardcore disciplinarian "you have to spank" kind of mom...The min she was in my arms that all went out the window!

I know there is a lot more I am just not thinking of here...

[elsa_elsa]

I was totally humbled by newborn care.  Totally seriously had no idea what to expect. I read alot and talked to a lot of people but had that attitude of "my baby won't be like that" or "i'll do it RIGHT and everything will be easy."  So not at all.    I'm still totally challenged everday by my DS (now 4) and I'm so thankful that it's this way.  I need his challenging to stretch me to the edge of my comfort zone and beyond.

[cyclamen]

This is a beautiful thread.

I've been way beyond humbled. Some days I feel like I've been delivered.  When DD was around 18 months old, I began having terrible, terrible anger.  It seemed to come from nowhere, and I couldn't make it go away.  I was in a pit of despair.  I thought there was no way I could be a good mother to my baby.  I've had crippling anxiety and depression my entire life - it lifted briefly while I was pregnant and newly post-partum.  But I had never gotten help for it - I would just "push through" until things go a little bit better... and they never really got that much better.  Finally I was in a place where... I knew it wasn't in my exterior circumstances, but in me.  And because of my daughter, I finally looked for help.  And I got it.  And I know I haven't "made it" or become the parent or the person I want to be, but I'm on the journey, and I am so, so, so grateful.