WWYD - Sis and toddler want to move in

[tillymonster]

So I have an 18mo DD and I'm nursing, co-sleeping and generally consider myself an attached parent.

My sister has a 3yo and didn't do CIO as much as she could and BF for 15mo. My nephew is a very spirited child and his behavior is not great; i.e. he pushes, shoves, steals toys and cries a lot. He also chases after small animals, disrespects toys and is the most energetic kid ever. I know these are typical things for this age, but not sure to what extent.

She is having major issues with the father and asked me if she could move in. She wants me to take care of her son while she works and vice versa. I'm not working right now and it would help financially. Emotionally? Not so much. She just stayed here two days and it was chaos. My DD is scared of her cousin and after having toys grabbed out of her hands (her own toys, my sister brought zero of her own!) for 3 days straight! My DD is sensitive but pretty well behaved still. Lol she is only 18mo but I don't think she will act like that at 3. It's hard to say.

WWYD? Let her move in and hope for the best? I don't think it's right and feel like I would be interfering in her life. But want to help too. I feel she should try and work things out with the dad. :|

Help me make the right decision!

[konayossie]

Mama, my DS is only 26 months old right now, so I can't say for sure, but I am guessing he's going to be a lot like your sis's DS at 3 b/c he's A LOT like that now, and I can assure you I am also a very attached parent. We're still bfing (through pregnancy) and cosleeping, babywearing, all that jazz. Just b/c you do the AP things doesn't guarantee that you're going to get a mellow, placid child who loves to share and is never rough. I think there are plenty of parents of multiple children who can attest that they come with different personalities. I'm just saying all that b/c it sounds a little  you're questioning your sis's parenting based on her son's behavior, which sounds pretty typical and on-track developmentally to me. On the toy thing, I also never take toys for DS when we go to other people's houses (if they have kids) b/c he won't play with his own if there are new toys around--it's pointless. Not sure if that's the case with your sis or not. Maybe she wasn't thinking very clearly if she's having major marital problems, though?

As for your actual question, I think I'd base my decision more on my relationship with my sis. I have two siblings and get along fine with my brother, but even as adults, my sis and I don't get along as well as we should and probably wouldn't be happy staying in close quarters very long. That said, I'd still let her stay with me if she thought it would be a help to her. You could always do it on a trial basis, and if it's not working out after a week or so, just let her know..... I'd definitely be clear on what your agreement is ahead of time, though. GL!

[tillymonster]

Oh I am not trying to say her parenting style is wrong or anything, just that it is pretty different from mine. And I have nothing to compare it to! I've never met another toddler like him! I have a good relationship with my sis even though we bump heads on parenting sometimes.

Good to know that those behaviors are typical, it seemed crazy to me but I only have an 18mo and not enough experience. I'd be his primary caretaker so it made me nervous. It's different when it's your own kids as opposed to your nephew. I'm worried I'll make her doubt her parenting and I don't want to do that at all! Ugh it's a hard decision. Hope someone in here comes and posts a btdt!

[APToddlerMama]

Two days was chaos?  Then no way.  Unless she is in danger and has no other way to protect herself and her children. 

[lovepickles]

Yah I think if DD is scared of her cousin and the 2 day visit is chaos then allowing them to move in is not a good move for your immediate family. Your sister is going to have to work this out another way. Babysitting is one thing but living under the same roof with a disruptive force is not something I would do. I agree with the last post. No way unless there is imminent danger.

[McGucks]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Two days was chaos?  Then no way.  Unless she is in danger and has no other way to protect herself and her children. 

Letting her move in might also be a really good way to mess up what sounds like a happy situation for your own family.  Nope, nope, nope.  Don't want to sound cold-hearted, but there's a difference between helping and doing too much at your own peril.  Also, you didn't mention if you have a DH/SO/partner, but think...if the tables were turned...would you want that person's sister moving in?  Being a new-ish mom is hard enough (well, it is for me, anyway)--and throwing a huge variable in the mix would jack my anxiety through the room.  Perhaps you could offer another kind of help, such as letting nephew come over to play for an hour or two when it's okay with your schedule?  Good luck...this is a sticky situation.
 

[tillymonster]

Well after some more discussion my DH is against it. It makes me so sad my sis got herself in this mess but there is no danger to her, she's just very unhappy. I will say the father does have a drug problem (smokes pot) and this is really bad for my nephew to be raised around that. Ugh. It is a terribly hard time for her but it would seriously mess things up for me...

[CrazyCatLady]

As a single mom (who's ex-husband is extremely pot addicted) living in southern CA...I really feel for your sister.  I have a life time of experience dealing with pot heads.  The ones that are bad can be extremely emotionally abusive, impossible to talk to, frustrating, etc.  It can be so hard living with them.  Working things out with the dad may be impossible for her since he could be in complete denial and unreasonable to talk to. 

It is also not just as easy as moving out or finding somewhere else to go in Southern CA.  As you know, the living prices are insane.  To even rent a room can easily be $5-900 or more.  And then trying to do that with a small child is next to impossible anyways since very few will rent a room to somebody with kids.  Getting an apartment with anything less than perfect credit is close to impossible, and the applications are $30 a piece (just to be denied in most cases). There are shelters and homes, but most of them are full and if not, are pretty dangerous/not so great places to be.

If she works though, maybe none of these money concerns apply to her?  I know you have to put your family first and all, but I just wanted to show things from what is possibly her perspective.  And that this can be a pretty desperate and hopeless situation for her to be in.  If she truly needs help and you reconsider giving it, you can lay down as many ground rules as you think is necessary to try and keep the peace in your home (including a time limit on staying there).  If her situation is that desperate, then she should be more than willing to accommodate any requests you have in exchange for the help that you would be providing her.

Idk, I realize that I am biased here due to my past experiences.  But if it were me and I could, I would help my sister out in this case.  At least for a short while.

[tillymonster]

Thank you, CrazyCatLady (love your username). This is the kind of post I was looking for. She is going through exactly that, unable to talk to him, emotionally abusive and guess what? She's in CA too so we both know the insane cost of living. I'm hoping she works it out but will probably help if it comes down to it. I feel her son should be closer to his father even if he's an idiot. Maybe living with no, but visitation, yes. This is what my sis wants atleast. I'm in SoCal as you are so this is a huge move for her. I think we could work it out if my DH would even consider it. It explains my nephews' behavior and in our house, we'd hopefully teach him more respect. I just can't even give a time limit because the cost of living here is so insane!!!

[abiyhayil]

I'mjust wondering if you are the only immediate family living close by?  Could you watch her DS once or twice a week for special outings but he stay at grandma's?