I'm sorry first to I'm sure the people who have had much worse problems with their mothers or perhaps don't even know them and it seems like I am whining but this one has been stewing for a long time and I'd just like to get a second opinion from a neutral party.
I have never had a real two-party relationship with my mother. I remember being six or so and feeling sadness because she was more interested in a pet than she'd ever been interested in me. This continued for most of my life. I tried to find common ground with her even after she told my father aloud, thinking I wasn't listening, that she wished the ritalin I was prescribed had an appetite suppressing effect on me because she thought I was chubby. This kind of comment persisted my entire life at home. A lot of this stuff I've just locked away and not talked about.. and pretended it never happened. The summary of events is she would tell me I was too stupid to be in school while I was home schooled and she never put forth effort while she was supposed to be teaching me, ignored me, never developed any bonds with me. Fast forward many years and I graduated after insisting I return to a regular school environment, attended post-secondary schooling and maintained honors the entire course, held a federal job, got married and had a son. When my father passed I tried even harder to forge a relationship with my mother, taking an interest in her and talking to her almost daily despite the huge time difference and the distance and even though it was a one-way street. I asked her to visit after I had my son because I was sick, my doctor thought I had leukemia and I could hardly get my son out of the car without not being able to see and almost passing out (as it turns out I had severe anemia and recovery from the blood loss when I had my son took a long time) and I needed help. I thought as she had breast fed three children and raised three of her own children she would be able to be helpful and maybe we could bond over my beautiful new son. She was wholly disinterested still. My phone was constantly ringing off the hook as her fiance called her and she ran off and locked herself in my bathroom to speak to him. I still had to have the nurse/doula come to the house to help me and the nurse actually asked if she was drug dependent because she'd never seen a new grandmother so disinterested or disconnected. She went home early because an acquaintance of hers had broken her leg. There I was again, feeling like the little girl I was 20 years before, sad because I had a mother so disinterested in me but interested in anything else. After this while she didn't bother to call me to check on me (this is before we found out it wasn't leukemia) she went on to tell my sister that I was dying of leukemia.. So if we put this all together my mother thought I was dying of leukemia, didn't bother to call, and left early to be with a friend who had a non-life threatening broken bone.
It has been a year since I spoke to her. She never once called me in all of this.
So what do I do? I want a mother, I want someone who cares about me and my family and who I can speak to about things as a mother would.. but in this situation do you just call it a day and wash your hands? Do you just become the mother you wished you'd had and continue burying the past? Why does this still hurt me?
Thanks for your replies in advance.