child being excluded/bullied at camp

[loraxc]

DD had her third day at a new camp today. The camp is 7-12 and she is 7, so among the youngest. There are only 7 girls her age. She likes two of them, but the camp is divided into two groups, and she spends much of her time with her group, where the only two girls in her age range are already close friends. She reports that they are excluding her, calling her annoying, telling her to move when she sits near them, and that one of them actually pushed her down and threw food in her face. She says this happens during lunch and snack, which makes sense to me...the less supervised times.

DD is a very bright and kind-natured but intense and emotional child. She's also somewhat socially immature, and the other two kids are a year older. She is absolutely not capable of this type of relational aggression at this point and does not at all get why they are being this way to her. It's breaking her heart. I suspect part of what is going on is that the other girls see her as "intruding" on their friendship. However, she also reports that one of the "friends" is also mean to ther other "friend," so this may be one of those chains of victimization.

She talked to a counselor about it today and says his response was "You'll all get used to each other." This was a young male counselor (who may not really know what to do). I told her to report it to a counselor if the girls physically hurt her, but otherwise to deal with it by walking away and not responding at all. I don't know if she is really capable of this, because she does tend to be hotheaded and emotional. I've also suggested that she try to make friends with some different kids. However, it's hard, since these are the girls her age in her group.

I'm not sure what to tell her or do otherwise. The kids will be together another 5 weeks, so this is a long-term camp. DD unfortunately tends toward victim status in general, so I fear this will not be our last run-in with this no matter what.

Help?

[Linda on the move]

You talk to the director, the kid's boss. Somewhere in this program there is an adult who is qualified to deal with this. I'd do it at drop off in the morning.

To me, it seems doubtful the situation will go away on it's own. It might be easiest to just get her switched to the other group. I would complain about the counselors response to his boss. I think your dd did well in going to an adult and speaking up for herself, and his response wasn't adequate.

I'd also encourage my child to look beyond girls her age for friends. Boys can be friends, older kids can be friends.

Peace

[34me]

Yes, that. I had a hard time convincing my girlie that boys make good friends at that age but once she tried it it was so much better for her at camp.

[AllisonR]

I agree to other posters who said to talk higher up, because more often than not, it won't "just go away by itself." Switching to the other group or getting some guy friends might also help. I think it is hard when your child is one of the youngest, because even though they may be able to keep up with all the activities and be very social, they still have the life experiences of an X year old, not a Z year old. And I think this shows sometimes when they play with older kids.

[loraxc]

I did consider going to the director. I have several concerns about that: one, it is SLIGHTLY possible that DD is exaggerating these incidents (I don't think so, but we've been in a bit of a "stretching the truth" phase); two, the possibility that involving adults will make it worse, as it sometimes (oftten?) does. My husband was bullied as a child and feels that except when personal safety is at risk, going to an adult is rarely a good idea. Also, while this is a children's camp, the director is not a professional with children (runs a nonprofit).

I don't think she can be switched due to the logistical reason she's in that group (don't want to elaborate due to privacy concerns).

I did encourage her to look for other people to be friends with. Things are okay when she is with the larger group--she has friends there. Unfortunately there are also no boys her age in the smaller group. I didn't realize how few children her age there would be at this camp in general. She may actually be the very youngest child there, and there are 50+ kids, I think.

[LynnS6]

Several thoughts:

1. Talk to the director about the structure of the group -- maybe they can pair the kids up during activities so they break up the two-some or give your daughter someone to be with. Assigning specific partners/groups often reduces some of this behavior because they have to be together. And mixing up boys and girls is a good idea.

2. Ask if there's a slightly older kid (10-11 year old?) who'd like to be a 'big sister/brother' to your daughter and 'show her the ropes'. Older girls and boys often love this kind of care taking role (you should see the 5th grade boys interacting with the kindergarteners at the bus stop, it's adorable!), and it might help your dd.

3. Ask what they're doing to avoid bullying and exclusion. Ask how they're setting up the activities so that everyone is included.

4. Work through this curriculum with your dd - http://www.bullies2buddies.com/who-we-help/students/161-how-to-stop-being-teased-and-bullied-without-really-trying-intro  -- I've done parts of this with our son (who's 10 now) who was having trouble with the neighbor kids when he was 7-8. I'm about to do parts of it with our highly reactive, highly emotional, highly dramatic 7 year old.

[loraxc]

Thanks, Lynn--those are helpful suggestions to bring to the table if I do go to the camp director. I'm going to see what she says about how today went. I looked at that curriculum and based my discussion with DD on it.

She indicates that the problems occur during free periods such as break, snack, and lunch and that during the actual camp activities, things are okay. I'm really hoping she'll get "adopted" by an older girl, which is something that often happens with her. She somehow manages to be a little awkward with her peers but appealing to older kids at the same time....maybe because she is precocious but also projects a lot of innocence.

[One_Girl]

I think you should talk to the counselor yourself.  I have found that it is very effective to first have my dd do it then to do it myself once she has done that.  If you don't get a good response from the counselor you should go on up the chain of command though.  I have had so many instances with my dd where she thought the teacher meant one thing but that isn't what they meant (or it is but they change their mind once I talk to them) and the situation is almost immediately much better.  I rarely have to go to the director once I talk to the teachers and let them know what my dd is telling me.  I do this by phone typically because my dd asks that I do it when she isn't right there.