How do you know you're making the right decision? Guilt?

[MrsJez]

I just told my H that I wanted to separate. And now I just feel awful. I feel awful for breaking his heart. I have a broken heart. I feel horrible for "breaking up" my DS's family. I feel horrible that if I leave my DSs will have to go to daycare/public school. I sooo do not want daycare and public school for them.

How do you know you're making the right decision? How do you get through all of this? This is just a horrid feeling.

[SoulCakes]

  For me I knew when the thought of staying felt worse than the guilt from leaving. 

[sparklefairy]

I have no idea of the background to this story. But I think there isn't always a right decision. Sometimes you just make a decision and it become the decision, and life goes on from there.

I mean, I knew because my marriage was terrible, horrible, panic-inducing (literally) and I had already tried every way possible to manipulate him into changing his behavior toward me. I don't think it has to get to that point, though.

The thing is that we can't know the future, so we have to just make a decision. I can say now that even if he'd had some transformation (which he kind of has since we split, actually) and I could have responded by trusting him again, I still love the life that I have now. It's still valid and fulfilling even if that other reality (the one where I stayed) turned out to be better than I anticipated.

[doubledutch]

i can't remember the back story, either.  can you remind us of how you reached the decision to separate/divorce?  how did you know (before you told him and started feeling sorry for him) that it was the right thing to do?  make a list of your reasons to divorce and to stay together.  guilt or protecting someone else's feelings are not good reasons to stay in a marriage. 

[plum tree]

Not sure if it helps, but I just separated from H and I, too, feel awful.  I think it's normal... at least that's what I'm telling myself.  For me, the buildup to this point was so long in coming and I don't think there was really any other option for us, but going through the pain of the transition... watching someone else that you care about (I still do care about my H, sounds like you may too) hurt so much... knowing that you are taking steps to "break up the family", no matter how necessary it is... well, it's bound to be traumatic. I moved into a new house that doesn't feel like home yet.  Having to tell people who know us and have been rooting for our marriage to work has been very hard.  My kids seem to be doing OK but occasionally my girls (4yo) will say the most innocently heart-breaking things about living in two houses.  It was step that I still feel needed to be taken, but damn if it isn't tearing me apart inside.

That said, it's only been 1 week since I moved.  I do have times that I feel OK, and times that I feel VERY OK.  I look around me and I realize how often I was making choices out of fear of what he would say about them rather than what I really wanted to do (both big decisions, and small things like items I buy at the grocery store).  I feel like those times are going to get more and more frequent, and the painful moments will lessen as time goes on.  People keep telling me, "You're going through a separation... you're SUPPOSED to be a bit of a mess right now."  As much as I don't like feeling this way, I think they're right.

Hang in there.

[hazeldust]

Originally Posted by sparklefairy 

I have no idea of the background to this story. But I think there isn't always a right decision. Sometimes you just make a decision and it become the decision, and life goes on from there.

.

 
 

Change is tulmultuous, but it's a means to an end. If you know you can't live with the situation, it needs to change, because you are important. Your needs are important. My ex and i have been apart for about 7 years, and after he left, I made myself feel better by telling myself it was noones fault, that we were too young, and i didn't know what I wanted, etc. After awhile i really came to see that he really was alot of the problem. He has the same problems that hes always had(financial instability, intense personality, denial, etc.) Now, more recently I am seeing that I can be pretty difficult too:-) It's a process, all of it, and good things can (and often do)come from it.Ours wasn't a horrible relationship; there was no abuse, and I really think he loved me, but he wasn't what I needed. I did feel guilty for a long time, since it was my decision to split. But I have never ever regretted it/          But    bBbalskdjfasjdflkajsdfljasdlkfjljflladjfl;ajdflajdflkajsbBuBBBBBBBdkdks;fljkADSFJFJFJFJ

[hazeldust]

Crap, my computer screwed up and i can fix that mess. what i wanted to say, and its pretty important:-P is that I have NEVER EVER regretted our breakup. I have had so many amazing experiences and learned so much about myself, and I never would have been able to grow the way I have had we stayed together. Good luck and .

 

[hazeldust]

Crap, my computer screwed up and i can't fix that mess. what i wanted to say, and its pretty important:-P is that I have NEVER EVER regretted our breakup. I have had so many amazing experiences and learned so much about myself, and I never would have been able to grow the way I have had we stayed together. Good luck and .

 

[eggsandpancakes]

With me it was simple. I had already decided it was over (mostly), and then his behavior got so bad that I was determined to never again put my kids or myself through that. No one should ever treat another person that way, and my children will not grow up thinking that is how a man treats a woman.

[Martha27]

Originally Posted by plum tree 

Not sure if it helps, but I just separated from H and I, too, feel awful.  I think it's normal... at least that's what I'm telling myself.  For me, the buildup to this point was so long in coming and I don't think there was really any other option for us, but going through the pain of the transition... watching someone else that you care about (I still do care about my H, sounds like you may too) hurt so much... knowing that you are taking steps to "break up the family", no matter how necessary it is... well, it's bound to be traumatic. I moved into a new house that doesn't feel like home yet.  Having to tell people who know us and have been rooting for our marriage to work has been very hard.  My kids seem to be doing OK but occasionally my girls (4yo) will say the most innocently heart-breaking things about living in two houses.  It was step that I still feel needed to be taken, but damn if it isn't tearing me apart inside.

  that just saved me some typing! that's a lot like my situation only we have been apart since December. It is very hard especially since my EX has anxiety problems and keeps having "spells" that cause him to blackout and end up in the hospital :/ A big part of this problem gets blamed on me from him and his family b/c I caused this by "breaking his heart". Even though I know it really is just a problem that he has dealing with stress in general it makes me feel awful. However, I would not go back to him just to make him feel better- I know I made the choice I had to make and going back just to not feel guilty and not break his heart is not what is right for ANYONE including him.

hang in there and take it one day at a time- that's what I have learned to do