Neighbor giving me "permission" to spank her kids--Help!

[mamaboss]

DD often plays with the neighbor kids. Almost every time they come to play in our yard, the mom comes over and gives them the warning:  "She (meaning me) has permission to beat you if you misbehave." Um, YIKES

Aside from being incredibly awkward it makes me so extremely uncomfortable. I also know it makes DD uncomfortable because on the rare occasion we're all visiting together, the mom is quick to smack or threaten to and I see DD's face and just know she feels "weird". 

Though I completely disagree with her use of hitting, it's none of my business. (I don't believe the kids are literally beaten or abused, just that she's a spanker.) However, when she tells her children that I have permission to beat them, I am so appalled and embarrassed. I just don't know how to communicate this to her without making it even more awkward or uncomfortable-for me or her. How do I bring this up? 

[Bokonon]

She didn't seem to care if it was awkward or embarrassing for you when she volunteered you to physically hurt her children, so I wouldn't be so worried about that part.  Just tell her how uncomfortable you are with that suggestion and that you are offended that she assumed that you would inflict corporal punishment on someone else's kids.

[blessedwithboys]

How about saying "Ok, but if you ever touch my kids, I'll break your face?"

Seriously, just tell her that you think spanking is abusive and you would never dream of laying a hand on a child.

[coffeegirl]

This is a really tough one. I can tell you only what I think I'd do if it were me. (Everyone is going to disagree with me but that's ok. These threads would be really boring if there wasn't any diversity of opinion.) I'd probably let it go as far as the neighbors are concerned. But I'd talk it out with my own child if she was obviously uncomfortable about it (like you say your child is). Let her know that this is just how the other family does things and they aren't bad people but that you are never going to hit her, you're never going to give another adult permission to hit her, and and you're never going to hit the other kids.

If this is anything like the situations that played out in my hometown neighborhoods growing up, the whole thing is more bark than bite. I'll bet she's basically just giving her kids a message, "hey, even though I'm not here supervising you for now doesn't give you free reign to go wild and start swinging from rafters and beating up on each other, etc."

IF the neighbor is serious and she actually expects you to discipline her children, then I'd have a talk with her. I would not antagonize her, I wouldn't tell her I was offended. I'd be respectful about it and just say that there's no way I could never strike another child and I hope she's ok with that because we enjoy having her kids over to play. Or something along those lines.

[Alyantavid]

Just say "oh I'd never beat anybody!" and go about your day.  Use it as a teaching moment for your daughter that other people parent differently than you do.

[LynnS6]

"I'm sorry, but we do not hit anyone, including children, at our house. Please don't say that."

If she's at YOUR house, then she gets to abide by YOUR rules. You can be polite, but firm.

View this as your small way of making things right. It takes a lot of courage, and I've often lacked that courage myself. Until more people stand up and advocate against spanking, it's going to be the 'norm'. Just because something is the norm, doesn't mean it's right.

[mamazee]

Hmm I'd probably say, "I'd never beat anyone, but I might send kids home if we have trouble."

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys 

How about saying "Ok, but if you ever touch my kids, I'll break your face?"

Seriously, just tell her that you think spanking is abusive and you would never dream of laying a hand on a child.

I'll admit, my impulse would be to answer like this.

Or, if I really didn't want to get into it, I'd bite my tongue, and ignore. Then I'd make good and sure my child was never, ever alone with this person.

See, here's what worries me-- if she is serious, and she really does think it's okay for somebody to hit their neighbor's kid, then I would be concerned that she'd think it was okay to hit your kid, if she felt it was "deserved."

[mamazee]

Yeah I wouldn't let my kids play there without watching them if she thinks that it's not only ok to hit your own kids, but also other people's kids.

[One_Girl]

Are you sure she is serious?  My dd knew a girl who's mother said off the wall things like that as a joke but seemed so serious that I was very worried and I truly wouldn't let her be alone with that mom, but later I found out that her and the father don't believe in spanking (more the father than her but she goes along with it despite really wanting to smack her child).  The girl seemed to know that her mom wouldn't actually hurt her and never seemed worried about the comments. 

[t2009]

Originally Posted by coffeegirl 

This is a really tough one. I can tell you only what I think I'd do if it were me. (Everyone is going to disagree with me but that's ok. These threads would be really boring if there wasn't any diversity of opinion.) I'd probably let it go as far as the neighbors are concerned. But I'd talk it out with my own child if she was obviously uncomfortable about it (like you say your child is). Let her know that this is just how the other family does things and they aren't bad people but that you are never going to hit her, you're never going to give another adult permission to hit her, and and you're never going to hit the other kids.

If this is anything like the situations that played out in my hometown neighborhoods growing up, the whole thing is more bark than bite. I'll bet she's basically just giving her kids a message, "hey, even though I'm not here supervising you for now doesn't give you free reign to go wild and start swinging from rafters and beating up on each other, etc."

IF the neighbor is serious and she actually expects you to discipline her children, then I'd have a talk with her. I would not antagonize her, I wouldn't tell her I was offended. I'd be respectful about it and just say that there's no way I could never strike another child and I hope she's ok with that because we enjoy having her kids over to play. Or something along those lines.

I don't agree with the first part I bolded, though I can't say with confidence what I would actually say. I think if you don't say anything to the neighbor but do say something to your child, you might give your child the impression that it's OK to go along with an awkward or even violent situation in public, but that as long as in the privacy of your family you said it was not the way you do things then the universe is righted. Especially if the neighbor is saying this in your home/yard.

But I do agree with the last part, that any discussion should be in a non-judgmental tone & spirit.
 

I'm having trouble articulating this, but I think what I'm getting at is that our kids should see us stand up for what we believe (especially in our own homes) without putting others down. Extremely difficult & I don't envy you OP!

[Llyra]

The girl seemed to know that her mom wouldn't actually hurt her and never seemed worried about the comments.

That's definitely a possibility-- I mean, I tell DS all the time that I'm going to mail him to Tahiti, or sell him to the mailman, and stuff like that, but he knows I'm joking, and so it's funny, and we laugh like loons together about it. But I've been shocked about what some people think is okay, and I would want to be sure, before my kid was alone with this person.

[Bokonon]

I would also be worried that the kids would deliberately misbehave and try pushing limits to see if the OP would actually "beat" them.

[McGucks]

I am a public school teacher (now SAHM) and have had a handful of parents tell me the exact same thing.  Very strange.  I typically responded with "Oh, but that's illegal."

[Kerynna]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

Just say "oh I'd never beat anybody!" and go about your day.  Use it as a teaching moment for your daughter that other people parent differently than you do.

I like this.  I would do that, and then I'd get a mean look on my face and playfully growl, "I prefer to TICKLE them!" and I'd chase after the neighbor's kids with a menacing tickle monster act.  I don't see any benefit to lecturing the other mom, or making a big deal out of it with the kids.  Your kids know you wouldn't ever hit a child, so that's not an issue.

[friskykitty]

I'd ensure that my child was never alone with this person.  I also would be inclined to somehow make it known that I do not spank. 

[Tigerchild]

I have dealt with something similar, since I've always had huge diversity in friends (including parenting style) and family, and having grown up where that kind of behavior was the norm.

As tempting as it would be, I don't think it's a good idea to admonish someone like that in front of their kids--because they're probably coming from a large power differential and authoritarian viewpoint, they'll probably be hypersensitive about someone challenging their parenting.  As much as spanking may not be seen as "a big deal", OTOH in the last 20+ years, it's really on the decline as far as "the experts" recommendation, and while AP/GD folks may not see it because of our focus in the opposite, I really see a movement away from spanking (at least open, unrepentant spanking).  That also adds the element of feelings of persecution, almost on a primal level.  (Hey, think about how you dig in your heels and are unable to listen to someone when they drop the "ZOMG you breastfeed?  WHAT that's GROSS!!!  AUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!" bomb on you.)

What I have done, is to have a quiet talk with the parent out of earshot of the kids.  "Wow, I feel really uncomfortable bringing this up, but I feel I need to.  Thanks for trusting me with your kids.  I don't spank at our house, and I just can't spank your kids.  I feel more comfortable doing <this> or <that> when <behavior> happens, so that's what would happen at our house.  I hope you feel comfortable with that--I wanted to respect you by letting you know my discipline methods.  I also wanted to be clear that I don't want my children spanked, ever.  If they ever act up, please call me immediately and I will take care of the situation and make sure that they know that what they've done is unnacceptable to you."  Now, you can say that in a really bitchy, snarky way...but if you say it with genuine warmth and compassion--I've found that it really works wonders.  Did most of the people I know that spanked their kids come to me asking my parenting wisdom for alternatives?  Nope.  But some were influenced, and I think it was because they could tell that I cared about them too, and I didn't humiliate them.

[JollyGG]

I've had variations of this happen several times. My response is something along the lines of "Well, umm, thanks. I really don't do the whole spanking thing. But I will discipline appropriately t if the need arises. (Then put in what you usually do. In our case I'd say something like 'I'll put her in time out if necessary', or 'we'll end playtime and send friends home if we have trouble')"

So I'm letter her know that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of spanking, but yes, I do understand the point you were trying to make. Basically she is trying to tell her child to listen to you like she would her mother.

[Bokonon]

But she didn't say "spank".  She said "beat".  That's quite a difference (not that I would be comfortable with either).

[intentionalmama]

I feel for you op; that is an uncomfortable position to be put in.  I feel comfortable with two responses.  One would be direct and saying - actually no, we dont' hit. So if there are any problems, and we can't work them out, then the kids can go home.   - It could be said in a nice voice, that let's everyone know that - that won't be happening.  If I said this, though I would want to clarify later with the mother that I would not want my child to be hit as well.

But actually I really like this response from Tigerchild. Probably, because I have a hard time with confrontation - and would prefer to do it with just her alone.   I think this latter way, shows care for her, and also shows her that there are other ways.  It at least plants a seed; because someone makimg a statement like that may not realize, that everyone in their circle does not use the same disciplne methods. 

What I have done, is to have a quiet talk with the parent out of earshot of the kids.  "Wow, I feel really uncomfortable bringing this up, but I feel I need to.  Thanks for trusting me with your kids.  I don't spank at our house, and I just can't spank your kids.  I feel more comfortable doing <this> or <that> when <behavior> happens, so that's what would happen at our house.  I hope you feel comfortable with that--I wanted to respect you by letting you know my discipline methods.  I also wanted to be clear that I don't want my children spanked, ever.  If they ever act up, please call me immediately and I will take care of the situation and make sure that they know that what they've done is unnacceptable to you."