Help me sort through my feelings on the limits I've set

[AngelKissedKids]

I'm struggling with how I feel about the limits I've set on nursing DD1 and I hope that you'll give me some feedback so I can re-examine the limits and sort out my feelings.  I'm currently tandem nursing DD1 who is 32 months and DD2 who is 12 weeks and I believe in CLW.  DD1 is a slightly anxious child and was born 1.5 months premature.  During the first few weeks after DD2 was born I attempted to say yes to every request to nurse, including nursing both girls at the same time.  I'm not tandem nursing for the benefit of the sibling relationship but because I feel that it's so important to mom/DD bonding so I quickly gave up nursing both at the same time.  However, I also found that I resented nursing DD1 anytime that DD2 was awake and needing me (we're just now reaching the point where DD2 can be awake and content for a short period of time without direct interaction with me).  I just felt so torn but that my strong primary drive was to meet DD2's needs even if DD1's need was genuine.  So, after a number of weeks of fumbling through, one day I just say no to the umpteenth request from DD1 and came up with a rule that DD1 can only nurse when DD2 is asleep or when Daddy can hold DD2 (which isn't often since he works long hours).  DD1 happily went along with the rule and recites it time and again, even on the rare moment I've offered to nurse when DD2 is awake.  However, I don't want this limit to hurt our CLW goals or cause undue stress on DD1 since she is slightly anxious to begin with.  I believe she is feeling some anxiety because whenever we are nursing DD1 keeps pulling off to check that DD2 is still asleep, even when I reassure her that I'm watching DD2.  If DD2 does wake up, DD1 immediately stops nursing even if I say it's ok to keep nursing for a little while longer.  I'm especially worried that as DD2 gets older she'll be sleeping a lot less and I don't want that to limit DD1s opportunity to nurse even more.  On the flip side, DD2 is a happier, more laid back baby who sleeps a lot more and who I'm sure will become a thumb sucker and I'm worried that any delay to nursing her is at risk of causing earlier weaning due to her personality.  I'm considering revising the limit but the only thing I can come up with is that DD1 can nurse when DD2 is happy and that doesn't sit well with me because I think it sends a bad message to DD1 somehow... like her happiness hinges on DD2s happiness or something.  I'd love to remove the limits altogether but I don't know how to tell DD1 to wait when I need to meet DD2's needs.  Are thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated!!!

[TiredX2]

I didn't want to not reply, but I haven't totally thought through my answer yet.

I don't really have any advice, but I really feel like I have been where you are.  DD and DS are 31, almost 32 months apart and I had many of the same issues it sounds like you are going through (but my babies are 12 & 9 now!!!).

For several months I did allow DD to go back to basically on demand nursing, but I eventually encorporated a lot more limits than I would consider compatible with true CLW.  What I tried to do, though, was have a time each evening that DD could nurse for as long as she wanted (generally, I'd nurse DS and then hand him off to DP or he would be asleep). I think the "no's" during the day were made better by the knowledge that there would always be one big YES to finish the day, kwim.

I can really see your concern about tying DD1s nursing to DD2's happiness/behaviour, but I'm not sure of another solution.  While DD2 may sleep less in the future, there is a good chance that her sleeping will become more predictable.  So, if you put her down for a nap, you'll "know" that DD1 has a good long spell with you.

While I truly believe that CLW is an ideal, and I feel bad about not reaching that ideal, I'd also encourage you to remember that *everything* in life is a tradeoff.  Yes, you might be restricting DD1's nursing more than is optimal, but there are other things that she is getting that probably more than make up for it (lessons in compassion, sharing, love).

Take care of yourself.  You should like you're doing an excellent job!

[Shanny2032]

My first thought was that I am not sure you are giving your DD1 enough credit.  She sounds like a very smart little girl who was responsive to your request in a way some parents can only dream of.  So I think that if she could comprehend putting the rule in place she can also understand changing it a bit or eliminating it.  You could tell her "remember the rule we talked about for when you could nurse?  Well since the baby is getting a little bit bigger we can change that rule a little.  Sometimes you can nurse when your sister is awake.  Others times I may need to ask you to wait until I finish something else I am doing (I think trying to take the focus off of the baby would be beneficial so you could add something like "if I am doing the dishes or the laundry").  If she doesn't understand you can give other examples or use other words that might help her better understand.

[Fynns Mommy]

I agree completely with the PP. I think your DD1 sounds like a smart kid, and she would understand if the rule changed. It may work to just have her ask to nurse when she wants to, but understand the reasons why the answer may sometimes be no. It doesnt always have to be so cut and dry as "not when your sister is awake," because as you're finding, there are other variables. But as I said, your DD1 is smart, so you shouldnt have too many problems.

[AngelKissedKids]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone!  I think you're right, DD1 is a smart girl and can understand more than I'm giving her credit for.  I've realized that any restrictions on her nursing doesn't have to be simplified to a single rule, such as only when DD2 is sleeping.  We have started to let that rule go and DD1 is adjusting to the change and is enjoying nursing more frequently.  We have had two tantrums when I had to cut a nursing session short because DD2 started crying and needed my attention but I hope that these tantrums will become less frequent as DD1 learns that Mommy tries to meet everyone's needs as promptly as she can.  I hope in the end it will be a lesson in compassion.

TiredX2, I really like your idea of having an "as long as you want" session at the end of the day.  It sounds like that may be a nice way to end the day and I might make a conscious effort to include that.  I find that throughout the day I'm usually the one ending the nursing session and having one where DD1 is totally in charge of the duration might be nice for her.  Hopefully it would help even the balance in our nursing relationship.

Now if only I can keep the occasional icky feelings and thoughts from creeping into some of our nursing sessions (not uncommon at 3-4 months postpartum I've read), I might have a chance of attempting to allow some kind of CLW... mind over matter I hope!