We have to end a friendship with a child in our neighborhood. Help needed!

[Mittsy]

After much discussion, and putting it off hoping things will get better, dh and I have decided we need to put an end to playdates between a neighbor girl and our children. We really have no issue with the child, it's the mom who tags along at every playdate we can't tolerate. I have tried looking the other way on a lot of things because everyone does things differently and that's ok ykwim, but on a few occasions the mothers emotional abuse/shaming/threatening/put downs/name calling have come to my childrens attention, and has even been directed at them, and this is where we draw the line. I have tried mentioning to the other mom that we do not do these things and I don't appreciate it being around my children, my children really don't understand why the mom id treating her child this way, but the problem continues.... She has even tried disciplining for me on a occasion because "my methods work better", it took such control to bite my tongue here.

How do I explain our decision to our children?

[philomom]

"I don't think this is working"

"I don't think the kids mesh well"

"We are on our way to X.. gotta run"

"Nope, sorry, we can't play today."


Just keep distancing yourself. Politely but firmly. Be gone for several afternoons. Tell your kids you guys are taking a break from them. Hopefully the other mom will get the message loud and clear.

[mamazee]

You have a few ways you could handle it. I would probably just quietly distance myself like the PP. But I could also see saying I'm fine having just the child over from now on so the kids can play together but I don't want playdates that requires parental involvement anymore. Or you could just be blunt with her and tell her everything, and kudos to you if you're up to that but I know I wouldn't be able to. LOL.

[tjjazzy]

you could consider telling her the truth, since you've already tried mentioning it to her and she seems unwilling to change. maybe people ditch her as a friend all the time bc of it and she has no idea. it would be a tough conversation though and i'm not sure i'd have the guts to do it myself.

[mkksmom]

I think the OP was looking for ideas of how to address it with her children. I'd tell the kids the truth, carefully. Just that you don't want to be around the mom if she doesn't act right. You tried talking to her about it, and she won't stop, so we aren't going to be seeing them much any more. But I do like the idea of telling the mom that her kid can play without her there if you haven't tried that yet. Then your kids woud get to play with their friend.

[swd12422]

I agree with mkksmom. This is what I tell DS about kids at school/the park who display unkind behavior: You don't need to be friends with someone who isn't nice to you or to other people. There are plenty of other people out there who are nice to be around.

That's what I would tell my kids. Sorry, I know the girl is a friend, but her mommy wasn't being nice, so we won't be seeing her anymore. IDK how old the kids are, but if they are in school together, maybe they can play there and be friends at school w/o at-home playdates.

[rightkindofme]

I was dumped because someone didn't like my parenting. I don't shame, but I do yell and I am very strict. My daughter is still crying herself to sleep because she misses the kid.

Why don't you talk to the mom and try to find a way for your kids to be friends without you having to hang out with the mom? There are always going to be people in the world who make you uncomfortable. You can't avoid all of them.

The best part was when I was told "I've given you so many chances." Really? When you never once told me you had a problem with me? That's great relationship modeling.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

I was dumped because someone didn't like my parenting.
The best part was when I was told "I've given you so many chances." Really? When you never once told me you had a problem with me? That's great relationship modeling.

Most of us moms don't have poker faces. She probably winced or tried to let you know she was uncomfortable without offending you. Some of us are not good at confrontation.. its easier just to break it off and move on.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

I was dumped because someone didn't like my parenting. I don't shame, but I do yell and I am very strict. My daughter is still crying herself to sleep because she misses the kid.

Why don't you talk to the mom and try to find a way for your kids to be friends without you having to hang out with the mom? There are always going to be people in the world who make you uncomfortable. You can't avoid all of them.

The best part was when I was told "I've given you so many chances." Really? When you never once told me you had a problem with me? That's great relationship modeling.

Maybe yelling was a very scary thing to her and she meant chances as in she gave the relationship several chances because she thought that you wouldn't seem as intense once she knew you better.  She may have assumed that you would have picked up on the social cues in the relationship and on the way many people wince and look horrified when someone yells or speaks sharply to a child in public.  That she was even willing to bring it up and tell you why she was ending the friendship was something many people just wouldn't do.  Yelling brings me back to the scary parts of my childhood and I try to avoid it as much as possible so bringing it up or waiting for it to end isn't something I would do. 

OP:  I would be very upfront with your kids on why you are ending the relationship and let them know how her actions make you feel.  I ended a very draining friendship and talked to dd about why, it seemed to help her feel more confident about setting limits within her friendships at school. 

[cjam]

"Sally is welcome to come over for a playdate but I have some chores to catch up on so I won't be able to sit and chat.  Can you drop Sally off and pick her up again at 3?"

[Mittsy]

I was looking for suggestions on how to explain the situation to our children. As for the other mom, we have been politely keeping our distance. I have tried numerous times in the past mentioning drop off playdates to the other mom, but she is not comfortable with her child being at any playdate anywhere without her.

[cjam]

I don't know if my approach is right or wrong, only time will tell but I'm generally pretty straightforward with my DD4 and DD6.  I'd tell them straightout that I'm not comfortable with the way the mom speaks.  If you don't tell them it's wrong, they may get the idea that it's ok to treat people that way.