Eleven year old girl still bedwetting - Page 2

[umsami]

All of DS's younger siblings don't wet the bed either (well, except for the baby. ;))  I didn't figure it out for years.. until his constipation got so bad he got something called encopresis (soiling) last Spring.  It's actually caused by constipation and basically there was a blockage in his intestines.  I then started paying more attention and realized it was a big part of the problem.  He too would take for-ev-er in the bathroom--10 minutes was the norm and it's not like he was engrossed in a story or something. ;)    This was normal for him--so we just didn't realize it. (Kind of how kids with vision problems don't think there is anything wrong because not seeing is normal for them.)  

You could talk to your GP about it--or try OTC Miralax or something similar.  We also use these gummy fiber supplements which have 5 grams of fiber in them and encourage him to drink a lot of water (which was the opposite of what we were doing because of the bed wetting) and be active.  
 

Originally Posted by Cavy 

I am intrigued Umsami (sorry if this is a hijack).

DS is 7yo & still wet at night. He is good about wearing a night-diaper, though, but may not be forever. Even his 3yo little brother is dry at night.

Your constipated son -- did he used to take ages to go to the loo, or did he just not go? How did you realise constipation was a problem? 

DS is the only one in the family who takes like 10 minutes for a poo, (the rest of us are quite quick about it) which I thought was just normal for him, but now I wonder...

[Imakcerka]

Ok I'm not reading the rest, I read the OP's and that will be it. My DD wet her bed until 6, my mother 11 my brother 8.

You can't shame her into it, and you can't force her. If there is nothing medically wrong with her physically it could have become a comfort issue. As in she's comfortable with it. All you can do at this point is require her to shower in the morning and wash her own sheets. And say nothing else. Seriously. DD1 stopped wetting the bed, when I stopped even talking about. I would get her up early before school and help her into the shower. I told her that she wasn't allowed to go to school with urine on her skin, it could cause severe discomfort and that was that. And DH would take her sheets off every morning and throw them in the wash. If she had been older I probably would have had her do all this herself.

And she stopped on her own. When she did we didn't even make a big deal about it. My mom said at 11 she quit because she became embarrassed and for she said it had become a comfort issue. However she had been sexually abused and was a very anxious kid. My brother was also very anxious and DD1 as well. It's difficult and very frustrating as a parent when you just can't figure out why and you become confused about what the root of it all is.

Good luck mama, I realize this is a delicate issue with an 11 year old, but I really don't think laziness is the issue. And yes control is an issue. But don't fight her control, this will work it's way out. Support her and let her take care of herself.

[lulahigley]

Yes, I agree with you completely. She does get up in the morning and throw her bedding in the wash before we leave for work/shcool. But the problem is in the evenings she forgets to put her bed back together. The rule is that no TV until homework is done, and she's had a bath and put her bed together and is all ready for bed. Because what will happen is she forgets to do anything until bedtime and then starts doing all this stuff and it takes her an hour to get ready for bed. She bothers me after hours to help her make her bed, says it's too hard, she can't do it, doesn't know how even though we've been over it dozens of times. So lately, she'll skip the TV and listen to music and read in her room and "forget" that her bed needs to get made so she'll just sleep and pee on the carpet. It doesn't bother her at all. It's really hard to get her to shower in the mornings, I've talked with her about B.O. and skin irritations, but she argues and says no one at school has said anything and it doesn't bother her, or she'll say she's showered even though the shower is dry and her towel is dry. I don't have time in the mornings to monitor her showering. That's why all this is so frustrating is that I can explain the importance of things to death and still get no cooperation from her. I can take away TV and be firm on rules but she still finds a way around it. I don't know what else to do to get her to start trying or to care. I am being gentle and I am giving her her space and I am explaining things to her camly, but to no avail. I keep going round and round with her. Thanks for all your support and input.

[journeymom]

I am being gentle and I am giving her her space and I am explaining things to her camly, but to no avail. I keep going round and round with her.

Good job You, for continuing to be gentle and calm. This situation is really rough and honestly I'd be so frustrated in your place. It really sounds to me like you've tried a lot of reasonable ideas, to no avail. Lulahigley, I urge you to try another visit to a therapist, specifically a child psychologist.  An eleven year old choosing to pee on the floor instead of using the toilet needs professional help. I can't imagine any reputable therapist would disagree. This isn't just laziness, though that might be part of it.  It seems like a big mix of control, autonomy, and self respect/loathing, all mixed up together.

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/where_to_find_help_for_your_child

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/finding_therapist.html   This one says, "Signs that a child may benefit from seeing a psychologist or licensed therapist include [among other things] bedwetting."

[Imakcerka]

Didn't you say you've already taken her to a therapist?  It might not be a bad idea to try again.  I can't imagine how she's going to feel when someone finally says something to her about the smell.  It's not a pleasant odor.  My heart breaks for both of you.  It's a tough spot.  Once others start teasing her or talking bad behind her back and she finds out about it, it'll hurt her so badly. 

Here's an idea, see how she reacts to you quietly doing everything for her.  I know it's a lot of work on top of everything else you already do.  Maybe you take off the sheets and put them back on.  And if she pees on the floor, you sprinkle it with whatever cleaner you use and shampoo it.  Now that she's responsible for doing it herself, she may think she can either hide it some of the time or that since it's not something you're physically having to deal with you shouldn't be upset. 

Or maybe just helping her more, will make her feel better.  Like I said tough spot.

[seashells]

I am not sure about this, but figured I'd throw this little idea out there.

I was wondering if reducing the emphasis on bedwetting even more might help. Would it be insane to just ask her to wash her sheets every morning as a matter of course? Nothing about the bedwetting, just standard procedure. Thus taking the emphasis away from you inspecting to see if she wet it or not, and just making it procedural - the sheets get washed every morning.

If she is reminded to wash the sheets and said "well, I didn't wet them" then I think it would be ok to verify that - "oh, that's terrific, let's see. Very nice. Then, sure, yo ucan just make the bed and not bother washing them." Thus turning this away from being an inspection and punishment - "did you wet the bed? Then wash the sheets!" and toward giving her control and reward - "you've told me the sheets don't need washing, very good, you don't have to wash them." She won't have to report her failures, just her successes.

So that's my thought since giving her more control and moving away from punishments seems to be working for her anyway, so this might be an extra little bonus.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by lulahigley Because what will happen is she forgets to do anything until bedtime and then starts doing all this stuff and it takes her an hour to get ready for bed. She bothers me after hours to help her make her bed, says it's too hard, she can't do it, doesn't know how even though we've been over it dozens of times. So lately, she'll skip the TV and listen to music and read in her room and "forget" that her bed needs to get made so she'll just sleep and pee on the carpet. It doesn't bother her at all. It's really hard to get her to shower in the mornings, I've talked with her about B.O. and skin irritations, but she argues and says no one at school has said anything and it doesn't bother her, or she'll say she's showered even though the shower is dry and her towel is dry. I don't have time in the mornings to monitor her showering. That's why all this is so frustrating is that I can explain the importance of things to death and still get no cooperation from her. I can take away TV and be firm on rules but she still finds a way around it. I don't know what else to do to get her to start trying or to care. I am being gentle and I am giving her her space and I am explaining things to her camly, but to no avail. I keep going round and round with her. Thanks for all your support and input.

This is exactly what I went through with my dd, and it is hugely frustrating, and I heard all the same things - you're enabling her, etc.  we didn't get passed that until I let go of my anger and frustration.  She will feel it coming from you.  *you* must take charge of the schedule.  dd would do everything she could to sneak out of what I was trying to get her to do.  I don't want my kid being sneaky(I forgot to make my bed), that means I need to change something. I realized I was shaming her even though my words weren't shaming.  She could feel it coming through my emotions.  I had to let go and say 'here's the schedule - I will help you keep on track', and take leadership again.

I also strongly recommend trying a different therapist.  my dd insisted she didn't care about odor either, but then her behavior clearly indicated otherwise.  That may not be the case for your dd, but for mine it was.

I have no more hidden underpants, she changes when she leaks, etc.  I know it's not quite the same as bedwetting but the dynamics are pretty much the same. 

[tccandlsccmom]

I have a much younger son (6) who still wets the bed (I was spoiled by almost 10yo dd who has been dry every night since the age of three).  It was my therapist (worried about me not getting enough sleep because I set my alarm for two wake-ups in the night to take ds to the potty) who suggested a tool that is helping...an alarm that goes off when the wetting starts.  My therapist had a daughter who had issues until she was 8-9.  The alarm helps train the child to wake up on their own.  See http://www.bedwettingstore.com/Bedwetting_Alarms/alarm_group.htm?gclid=CKuYsv-UlKsCFYjBKgodUlzDvA - we got the wet-stop.  

Many suggestions from posters above are terrific and maybe more helpful...

[julie128]

My brother wet the bed until he was 14, and I wrote a 20 page paper on the subject in college.  There are quite a few books on the subject; I suggest getting ALL the books your library has and seeing what will work.  I have several suggestions for you, some of which it sounds like you're already doing or have started doing, and some are counter-intuitive.

1.  INCREASE the amount of liquids your dd drinks before 4pm, water or herb tea, not soda or juice.  Or beer, but that's obvious.  :)  Continue to limit drinks after 6pm, but don't make a big deal about it.  It's ultimately her responsibility. 

2.  Teach her how to stop the flow of urine when she's on the toilet.  She should be able to stop the flow and hold for 5 seconds.  She will probably have to work her way up to that. 

3.  The reason to do 1 and 2 is to gradually stretch out the bladder and improve muscle strength.  Sometimes these steps alone will solve the problem

4.  This is not your responsibility.  Except for providing waterproof padding and enough sheets, at 11, this is 100% her responsibility.  If she wants her room to be so stinky that her friends tease her when they come over, that is totally up to her.  If you don't like the smell (that fish smell--I remember what my brother's room smelled like), keep the door closed and the windows open.

5.  Don't make a big deal about it.  It's okay to remind her to do laundry, but make it gentle, and don't go beyond a single reminder. 

6.  Get books on bed wetting.  They all have their own philosophies, and some work for some kids and others work for other kids.

7.  Moisture sensor buzzers are probably the best method, but wait on it.  I think you need to restore a little happiness in the relationship before getting into that.  The books will talk about them.  The success rate is over 70%, with a few kids regressing after a few months and needing to do it again.  That's what worked for my brother.  Then our parents sent the thing off to our cousin who wet the bed, too.  There is a genetic link, btw, so ask around the family. 

8.  I don't think that laziness is a factor.  Allergies are sometimes a factor.  Sometimes family tension can be a factor.  Try to keep calm.  I know it is hard! 

Good luck!

[Sydneygurl]

I would suggest you following steps:
 

(1) Consult a doctor. This will help to know if she has problem or if she 's lazy.

(2) Ensure she does not drink anything 2-3 hours prior to her bedtime.

(3) Ensure she visits bathroom and uses it before sleeping.

(4) Make her wear pull-ups/diapers (she might get embarssed and stop it, anyways it will save laundry).

(5) Make her wash dirty laundry and clothe (If she doesn't don't do it. One day her friends will come, notice dirty,stinky bedsheets and tease her).

I am saying this from my personal experince. I peed in sleep till 17.

[mamazee]

1. Some people can't control their bladders until puberty or later. It isn't the most common thing, but it isn't all that uncommon either.

2. This has turned into a really unhealthy power struggle, as I see you have figured out. I would disengage completely. Show her where the stuff is to change her bedding, show her how to launder bedding, tell her to make she she showers after she wets herself. If she's feeling bad enough about this that is is affecting her self-esteem, it might come out looking like she doesn't care - it could be a defense mechanism. Otherwise, yeah I'd think maybe there is a special need.

I hope you find a solution, at least to her ability to handle this, soon!

[Choices4me]

If there isn't trauma or a medical issues, some kids really do wet the bed because they are lazy. And not lazy in a bad way. A child can have that one time as they are a little older and just say screw it or be so exhausted it's just easier to wet the bed. They can condition themselves after that over time and continue wetting. It's easier and they become used to it.

[Cavy]

Ooh! Just thought I'd update, my 7yo DS has gone dry at night, sharp decline in wet nights from about beginning of October so almost 3 months ago and not long after my last post. 

Just to give you all hope!

He's not perfect, still a bit wet about once every 2 weeks, but obviously the prerequisite hormones have finally kicked in.  He's a bit neurologically immature in many ways (speech, emotional control), so this fits with all that.

Now, where best to sell my ME Bedwetters?   Am open to suggestions. There's only a very weak 2nd hand market for them in the UK, alas!