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post #21 of 37

I think you need to not do anything with the money at all other than pay for your half of the day to day living expenses until you settle things with your marriage. So no houses, no cars, no vacations. Marriage counseling and a realistic assessment of whether or not you can make this relationship work.

post #22 of 37

Honestly my first thought was this did not sound like a person that wants to stay married.

 

 

 

 

On the flip side if the situation was reversed and it was him that inherited the money and "kept" it from you... how would you feel about that? If he had posted your same exact post about you... would that change anything?

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

post #23 of 37

Property and inheritance law varies from state to state.  This I totally understand:

"its very common for inheritance to not be co mingled and the advise i have gotten from everyone actually not solicited is to make sure it is in a separate account in only my name and keep it separate and make sure DH knows its MINE not OURS in case of divorce"

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing. It makes huge sense to manage your funds so that they stay with you in case of divorce, even if that means not buying a house together. Putting the money half in your husband's name could risk a) an extreme shopping spree b) a divorce to grab half the dough.

 

With that much money, it does make sense to use income from it to support your current living expenses, for example to meet half of your household expenses. Getting a job? ... dos not sound like you need to unless you really want one. Ask your financial adviser about an appropriate investment where you would get the amount of income you need per month. 

 

If the marriage is rocky and you want to buy a house, you could look at a duplex or getting 2 houses on one street - if the marriage were to end amicably, the ex would live in the other unit.

 

post #24 of 37

Some of my thoughts - 

 

Your issues with your dh helping out vs. money issues are different and you're likely better off not thinking of them together.  Try to keep thoughts about whether he deserves to benefit from your money out of the issue.  He will when you're together because you're together and you'll likely help each other as a married couple would/should.  The issues about parenting/relationship stuff needs to stay separate.

 

It will probably help to divide the money up with different intent.  Certain holdings for educational/children's needs, other for retirement (get an annuity, possibly, for yourself), other for future real estate interests.  Do a lot of this yourself, do some together too.  Having defined reasons to have/use the money will help.  It's not just a big pile of money for whatever anyone can use money for anymore.

 

As for your use of the money now, to stay home - I think (depending on your situation, of course) there are ways that you can use it and help yourselves stay within your means.  Doing something like using it to pay off a car so that you don't have that payment benefit the budget.  Make it so you can pay off a credit card yourselves within a short amount of time.  Using it to buy a CSA (and free up grocery budget).  When you buy a house, using more of it to make your payments easier to fit in the budget.  Thinking that way about it and changing how you're doing things might help (at the least, yourself not feel like you're subsidizing a lifestyle you can't afford).  Not sure I'm describing this really well at all. . . .  I'll say that I have certain inherited investments and it has been really helpful to me to use them this way and think of them this way.  I do buy a CSA for us.  I pitch in from that money for real needs (house repairs) if we need it.  We do use it for a preschool for dd1.  We do try to save for other things, sometimes I'll pay half when we save the other half, I don't use it to go out and buy stuff that *I just want*.  I don't buy things dh *just wants*.

 

post #25 of 37

My husband was a trustfund baby.  He came into our marriage with a *lot* of money.  Against the advice of a lawyer he commuted his entire inheritance into community property.  We believe that our money is our money and if we are a unit then we sink or swim together.  We consult one another on purchases large and small and we both have to compromise on what we want.  That was what he wanted.  He pushed for it. I didn't particularly want him to put everything into community property because if we divorce I'm not taking half. :P  I didn't bring the money to the marriage and I won't take it away.  But he likes to think I will. :)

 

I don't think I would be able to live with someone who didn't want to share though.  That would make me sad.

post #26 of 37

My DH will inherit a significant amount of money when his father passes away.  Honestly, if he planned to keep that as HIS money  and not see it as our money, I would be livid.  It's simply not the way I envision a family working.  We will speak with a financial planner to make sure everything works as best it can for the family as a whole in the long run, but if he were to effectively try to squirrel it away and hide it from me, and keep me from having access to it (not to mention seeing spending any of it on the family as a GIFT?!)   realistically, our marriage would be over.  I would see that as his not trusting in me and not having a vested interest in our future as partners, and I could not live my life feeling that way. 

post #27 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

My DH will inherit a significant amount of money when his father passes away.  Honestly, if he planned to keep that as HIS money  and not see it as our money, I would be livid.  It's simply not the way I envision a family working.  We will speak with a financial planner to make sure everything works as best it can for the family as a whole in the long run, but if he were to effectively try to squirrel it away and hide it from me, and keep me from having access to it (not to mention seeing spending any of it on the family as a GIFT?!)   realistically, our marriage would be over.  I would see that as his not trusting in me and not having a vested interest in our future as partners, and I could not live my life feeling that way. 


I agree with this!
post #28 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

My DH will inherit a significant amount of money when his father passes away.  Honestly, if he planned to keep that as HIS money  and not see it as our money, I would be livid.  It's simply not the way I envision a family working.  We will speak with a financial planner to make sure everything works as best it can for the family as a whole in the long run, but if he were to effectively try to squirrel it away and hide it from me, and keep me from having access to it (not to mention seeing spending any of it on the family as a GIFT?!)   realistically, our marriage would be over.  I would see that as his not trusting in me and not having a vested interest in our future as partners, and I could not live my life feeling that way. 


But I'm guessing you and your husband are not near divorce?

 

And that your husband wouldn't tell others that due to this money, they will 'be taken care of for life' without discussing it with you?

 

I'm not saying keeping the money apart in a healthy, stable marriage is right at all. If the OP and her husband had a better marriage, I am willing to be money that this wouldn't be an issue. It's because they are on the rocks, trying to fix what's broken, and still figuring out how to communicate that this is an issue.

 

To be honest, I don't think I would be comfy if I came into a large amount of money and my husband began acting like we could suddenly spend tons, and promising others he'd take care of them so not to worry. Shoot, I hope my husband wouldn't be comfy if I started talking like that.

 

For all saying their husbands are sharing their inheritance/it wasn't a thought to keep it, I noticed a very telling trend: NONE of you talked about upping your living standard. Nor telling others you will 'take care of them'. In fact, one even mentioned that she wouldn't even consider keeping half of it in case of divorce. This is a completely different dynamic from what is happening.

 

And from what the OP is saying, she really wants the majority of the money not for herself but for her kids/grandchildren. I don't see why protecting that is so bad?

 

I also think that if the THERAPIST is saying don't comingle, there's something serious here. I'm honestly confused on how people here are still ripping the OP a new one without picking up on these details?

 

Ami

 

post #29 of 37

OP-

 

I had to respond to this bcs I know EXACTLY where  you are coming from.  I've been through it with a fraction of the money you are talking about, but it still was a huge issue, and it still is, actually. Part of the problem is that I grew up in a household where my mother DID keep her money separate and I grew up hearing stories about women who gave their  husbands acces to family money and their husbands blew through it. My father was a very successful lawyer and never needed her to contribute, although she would occasionally pay for family trips. She paid for me to live abroad for a year, for example.  I guess my dad didn't see merit in the experience. My mom did, so she paid for it. Anyway, that's my background.

 

When dh and I got married, we were working together (self-employed).  The project ended about the time I got pregnant with our first child, and we decided I would stay at home. Took a while for dh to get another project going so we lived off credit cards and savings for awhile. He got some consulting work finally, that paid the bills, but didn't help us get out of the hole we had dug for ourselves. I had another baby.  Dh took off after a HUGE project, which felt like an answer to prayer when he got it, but really, it was a long, slow death. He couldn't really consult while he was getting the project off the ground so we slipped further into debt. Ugh. We didn't know anything about personal finance back then. (how is that possible??). And his big break was always just around the corner. We sold our house, we cashed in our retirement. SIgh. Because it was always just a matter of time before his project was going to get funded. And then the huge real estate collapse happened, and here we are.

 

But I tell you all of this because we were already a sinking ship when I received a trust disbursement of 150k (actually much more than that but I invested the rest of it in a now failing TIC). DH had the best intentions of leaving it be "mine" - we had already had our fair share of financial trauma. But we were short every month. SO guess where the money came from? ANd he needed investment capital, and who do you think he asked? I think you can guess the ending of the story.  It's all gone.  And we did nothing extravagant. It is still a real point of contention. Part of me feels like if that money hadn't been there he would never have dreamed of going so long without income.

 

I've had to let go of my anger and resentment about the situation, but it still does resurface.  But when I go over it my brain, I can't imagine how else it could have played out. The promise of his finally hitting paydirt was always looming. Nobody ever thought the market would crash the way it did.  

 

If I were to get another disbursement (which won't happen) my priorities would be getting rid of the last of our cc debt, funding our retirement, and buying a house. In your shoes, the pp who suggested living off interest and dividends made a good point. Numbers like you are talking seem so big that it seems impossible that they would ever zero out. So it's "easy" to spend several thousand here or there without noticing it making much of a difference in the bottom line.  A PLAN is definitely needed, so you can begin to envision what you want to use it for and what is then left over.  Good luck, op.  I struggle with a lot of the same things you do, but I feel like I handled it badly. If you figure it out, please let me know how!

post #30 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by JTA Mom View Post



 

I'm not saying keeping the money apart in a healthy, stable marriage is right at all. If the OP and her husband had a better marriage, I am willing to be money that this wouldn't be an issue. It's because they are on the rocks, trying to fix what's broken, and still figuring out how to communicate that this is an issue.

 

 



This is very true. In that situation, however, I think I would leave the marriage before I had the money so it was a non-issue.  I tend to be fairly concrete though, and if I think things will work I go into them completely, and if I don't think it will work, I am willing to walk away.   

 

I think that, as others have said, this is much more a relationship issue than a financial issue. 

post #31 of 37

I am hazy on why the OP didn't have a prenup to start with? I have friends that got married last month.  Neither of them has any money, but one partener stands to inherit a bunch.  HIs parents were pretty insistent that they have a pre-nup to protect him.  I think this was in large part because they (and DH and I too) do live in a community property state. 

 

 

post #32 of 37
Originally Posted by Poddi View Post

I get the feeling that your DH is not as frugal as you are, or that you guys have different attitude regarding money?   Unless he's very extravagant, I don't see how he can squander the money if you don't want to.  How about you pretend that you're a girl from Jane Austen's era? :) Everybody inherit money, and live off the interest, that way the principle is not touched, and can't disappear.   In Sense and Sensibility the Dashwood girls and their mother lived on 500 pounds a year, which is supposed to be rather meager.  When you calculate though that translate to them having 10000 pounds or more asset to generate that income, a sum that most normal people at that time will never accumulate in their lifetime.  I always find it curious why nobody then touch their principle, maybe the inheritance law prohibited that.

 

Anyway I say you should relax.  Pay yourself a salary from the interest and dividend only, you guys can live a comfortable middle class life and the money will never disappear.  You can calculate with inflation of course.  But I do think even without inflation adjustment, it'll still be a nice sum in 20 or 30 years (= money most everyday Joes will never have).


People tried not to touch the principal because that way you could pass an income down to your children and they could continue to live the life of gentle folk. Spend the principal, and you start the gradual slide to poverty for your family.

 

500 pounds a year was actually called "the fatal five hundred" - it ;just about allowed you to live as a gentleperson, but you were more likely to touch the principal to live and keep up with the Jones'.
 

 

post #33 of 37

My DH and I have separate accounts that we use only for personal fun savings... $50 here or there. But all of our expenses are paid out of our main joint account.  For the last 4-5 years, I have been making more money than him, and I expect that to change in a few years (it better... that's why we are paying for him to go to grad school right now). But I don't think that I should have a different lifestyle than DH just because I have a bigger paycheck than him right now. We are in a partnership and both equally contribute to our family by the actions we take... it doesn't matter that some of those actions are more financially valued than others in our society.

 

If my DH came into some money like this, I would hope that we could use it as an excuse to ask ourselves... what job would you want to have if you didn't need the money? My DH would probably stay in the same field that he's in, but work less hours. I would want to be a SAHM for a few years until my kid was in school, and then go back to my old career part time.

 

It sounds like you just need to get on the same page about your values and priorities about money with your DH, regardless of what you decide to do with it.

 

post #34 of 37

I came into our marriage with an inheritance too.  It was never an issue but we both knew it going in, and your situation sounds somewhat different.  The $$ arrived at a bad patch in your marriage.  I would focus on the marriage, and, to the extent possible, not the $$.  Even if it takes telling yourself - I may spend $100K over the next couple of years in order to not obsess so much about who is controlling the $, but to focus on the marriage.  Does that make any sense?  In our marriage, our $ is OURS.  Whether it is my inheritance or his income - we just don't differentiate.  So I would focus on maybe getting to a place where that can be the case for you, instead of focusing on making the decisions about the $$ when the marriage is not working.

 

NOTE - the above is not legal advice, but personal.  Follow your legal advisors up to the place where they suggest doing things which could be hurtful to your DH.  Because if you do that, you need to do so with an awareness of it's consequence on the marriage.

post #35 of 37



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by cat13 View Post

My DH and I have separate accounts that we use only for personal fun savings... $50 here or there. But all of our expenses are paid out of our main joint account.  For the last 4-5 years, I have been making more money than him, and I expect that to change in a few years (it better... that's why we are paying for him to go to grad school right now). But I don't think that I should have a different lifestyle than DH just because I have a bigger paycheck than him right now. We are in a partnership and both equally contribute to our family by the actions we take... it doesn't matter that some of those actions are more financially valued than others in our society.

 

If my DH came into some money like this, I would hope that we could use it as an excuse to ask ourselves... what job would you want to have if you didn't need the money? My DH would probably stay in the same field that he's in, but work less hours. I would want to be a SAHM for a few years until my kid was in school, and then go back to my old career part time.

 

It sounds like you just need to get on the same page about your values and priorities about money with your DH, regardless of what you decide to do with it.

 


It will be hard for them to get on the same page, because it sounds like they have very different attitudes to money. OP has the middle class attitude that you invest and make the money work for you, then pass it on to your children and grandchildren so that they can do the same, just as her father did for her. Her DH has the working class attitude "Wow, now I'm rich, lets spend it!" that leads to lottery winnners blowing it all in a couple of years and being back where they started. I can understand why this bothers her.

post #36 of 37

OP, you mentioned that you would go to a hotel if dh beat you, was that just a hypothetical? Or an actual possibility?

 

And in our marriage, dh is probably going to inherit some money w/in the next few years. Not that much, probably around 100K, but I'm going to try to take control of it and use it to pay off debt. We dug our hole together, though, and have always co-mingled funds, so it's kind of different.

post #37 of 37

I wouldn't touch the money until my marriage issues were worked out, honestly.  I would put it all in an untouchable sort of fund and let it accumulate interest and keep on living day-to-day until my dh and I figured out whether we wanted to be married and how exactly we were going to do that.  If it took five years of therapy, so be it.

 

OP, I wish you well.  This does not sound like an easy situation.  hug2.gif

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