3 YO Never Eats My Meals...So Frustrating

[AprilM]

Hi Mamas,

I really need to get some good advice on getting an EXTREMELY picky almost 3 year old to eat what I prepare for meals. Either that, or I need advice on how to just chill out and let him eat what he wants and when he wants. I really don't know at what angle I should be coming at this. 

He has been very picky ever since I can remember, but lately, I am at a total loss as to what he will willingly eat. This story repeats itself daily, and it's getting out of hand.  I make a meal, he doesn't want it. A bit later, he says he is hungry/thirsty and wants juice/peanut butter and jelly/crackers....non meal food. I offer him his meal food, and he throws a fit.  I finally get so frazzled that he is not getting any good nutrition, that I resort to things like bribing and things that feel like force feeding. 

Sometimes I tell him he can get down from the table after X amount of bites, to which he will literally sit there for over an hour crying and whining, or I  say things like "if you eat all your dinner, we will go get ice cream", and that normally doesn't even work. I cannot win no matter what I do. Not that I am trying to win, I am just trying to get good nutrition into him.

Mealtimes have literally become a nightmare. His mealtime tantrums have trickled over to any food he is asked to eat. It is especially bad when we go to restaurants, dinner at in laws, and any meal where DH, myself and DS sit together as a family at the dinner table, etc.  Sometimes I can get him to eat what I make if I plop him in front of the TV with his tray. Sometimes.

Maybe I have created this mess somehow. Maybe my wanting him to eat my meals so badly has caused him to reject mealtimes altogether.

The only thing I can get him to eat 100% of the time is PB&J, most fruits, and most drinks, and anything sweet. But he can't live off those things alone, and I am SO discouraged with food prep/mealtime with my family. It is taking a real toll on our family environment.

Will trying to get him to eat meals only make things worse in the long run? How do I handle this? 

First time mom here...so please be gentle! 

Any suggestions? 

[aikigypsy]

I have a 3.5 year old and our mealtimes can be like that, too. I am anxiously awaiting any advice you might get, and only have a few thoughts. 

Sometimes my DD won't eat anything at meals. I am inconsistent in how I deal with this, but usually I try to get her to have at least one bite. I find that saying, "If you eat 2 ___s you can have ice cream," usually sets up a bit of a battle and only succeeds rarely. We generally stick with the "no dinner = no desert" rule. If she won't eat what's for dinner, I'll usually let her have a bowl of cereal with milk afterwards. It's not real food, but it does have some calories, vitamins, etc, so it's not nothing. 

Real food is good. It's very important to me, but my husband is a great lover of processed, packaged, pre-cooked junk. Mostly, he likes carbs. I've dealt with this by trying to make the carbs in our house as healthy as possible. I bake all-whole-grain bread so that those PB&Js have real nutritional value. This works on DD, too. A person can live a long time on junk food and multi vitamins. I personally wouldn't choose that way to live, but I see people around me doing just fine as picky eaters, so I know it's not the end of the world. My approach is to keep exposing them to actual food, even when they want to put ketchup on everything. I also will eat their junk sometimes.

A good thing to do, which sometimes works with my 3-year-old, is to get them involved with the cooking and/or gardening. Many kids will eat vegetables that they pick themselves. Even if they don't, I think it's good for them, educationally.

I would keep the family dinner time and try to make it as regular as possible, even if he doesn't eat then. One final thought -- is he too tired when family dinner time rolls around, or too over-stimulated by meals out? I know tiredness and distraction make it impossible to get my preschooler to eat (or, really, do anything other than whine at top volume). I haven't found a cure yet.

To sum up, I'd say invite him to eat, help cook, and garden, but don't insist. As long as he's getting some food, and maybe a multi vitamin, he'll be fine for now. You can't force a person to develop good taste in food, but with consistent exposure they'll probably catch on eventually.

[stik]

I can't get my 3yo to eat dinner either.  Even if it's a food she loves, she hates it at dinner time.  Her sister was the same way from ages 3-5.  

She's a hardcore snacker.  I try to make sure they have loads of healthy snacks.  They have to at least try a bite of everything served at dinner, and then I let it go.  My older dd has discovered that she actually likes a bunch of stuff, but now that she is old enough we have agreed that if she doesn't like dinner after trying it, she may excuse herself and make a sandwich.  My younger dd doesn't like eating at dinner time, and doesn't like being confronted with a meal's worth of food at a time when she doesn't want to eat.  Tiny portions, combined with a willingness to let her go because she ate a bunch of "real food" in tiny snack-sized portions throughout the day have dramatically reduced stress.  

[weliveintheforest]

I think dinner is the hardest meal of the day for my kids (3 and 5) to sit down and eat.  By then they are tired and not really cooperative.  They do much better if I make our main meal of the day lunch, but that only really works on weekends when dh is home.  If I serve dinner earlier than usual it works better (4:30/5) but again, thats not usually a good time for dh. Sometimes we are able to just let it go, and sometimes it drives us nuts.  I hate cooking a really healthy and tasty meal that I know they would ordinarily enjoy only to have them refuse to eat and ask for bananas 30 minutes later!  Since it's summer I usually put a lot of cut up raw veggies that they like on the table and if thats all they eat, at least it was nutritious.

[AprilM]

I don't feel so alone in this now. Thank you for sharing! Mealtimes have been so very discouraging. I find myself dreading meal planning. We have baby #2 on the way, and I am hoping he/she will have an insatiable appetite. LOL

What kind of healthy snack choices would be appropriate for a LO his age? Any creative ideas? 

[stik]

We do fruit, dry roasted nuts, crackers and cheese, meat (sliced or cubed - use leftovers), baby carrots, and frozen corn, peas, and green beans.  

[katelove]

No advice but I think this blog has some really good ideas http://itsnotaboutnutrition.squarespace.com/

[~Amy~]

Here's my take...take it for what's it's worth...I'm on my first kid so I'm by no means an expert.:P

I don't fight with my 3 yo over food.  A very wise mama once told me that if get into a power struggle with a toddler, you've already lost...LOL..she was SO right!  Dinner is what it is.  I put it on the table, DS is required to sit for our family prayer.  Most of the time, he'll eat a bit (especially if we don't discuss...there's no "what do you want to eat?" in this house).  If he doesn't want what I put in front of him, he's welcome to have a bowl of oatmeal or a PB sandwich.  That's it...those are the options.  I'm happy to make something that I can do in under a minute.  When he's a bit older, he'll be welcome to make one of those items himself.  I'm not cooking a separate meal for him, but I'm not engaging in a struggle with him either.  If he doesn't want either of those, he's welcome to politely excuse himself and play quietly with his toys in the living room.  No bugging the people still at the table eating or else he must go play in his room instead.  If he's hungry later before bed, he can have a bowl of oatmeal or a PB sandwich.  

Specifically thinking of what your son is eating, OP...I'd say he's doing okay.  Making the sandwiches on whole grain bread & using natural PB & homemade jam/jelly makes a decently healthy meal.  Lots of protein & good fats & complex carbs.  If he'll eat fruit, that's a bonus.  I would eliminate the juice altogether if possible (or put it into a smoothie instead if he'll go for that).  

[oaktreemama]

I too would eliminate all juice. It is simply empty calories that can initially fill kids up so they don't eat their regular meal. Beverage choices are water or milk or decaf tea (no sugar). I make one meal for everyone, include one thing I know he likes (although that can change from minute ot minute) serve him very small portions, and leave him be. He is welcome to eat or not.

If he does like snacking you might want to try a monkey plate. I can't find the link, but it is essentially a tray with compartments that you fill up with healthy type snacks-we do salami roll ups filled with cream cheese, raisins, dried bananas, granola, some yogurt or hummus for dipping, carrot sticks, etc. There are a ton of options you can do and this helps kids graze through the day.

I also restrict milk to meal times because again it is something he fills up on so water and tea are the choices throughout the day.

We are also struggling with a FTT diagnosis right now so I understand your frustration/worry. But, remember to look at how your toddler eats week to week, not day to day. Unless there is a medical issue, generally they get what they need.

[AprilM]

Once again, thank you so much for all the great advice. It really helps alot just knowing I am not the only one who struggles with this. Question about juice. Most of the posters have stated they would eliminate all juice....would this include juices like orange juice, cranberry juice, carrot juice, or those Bolthouse Farm Green juices that state they are all natural with no sugar added?

[stik]

My kids drink juice, but I try to limit it.  I don't think frequent juice consumption is really healthy.  Fruit has dietary fiber that's really good for you.  Juice is basically sugar squeezed from the fruit, with most of the healthy parts chucked out.  100% fruit juice is better than juice with additives, but still not really healthy, IMO.  

[AprilM]

Originally Posted by stik     Juice is basically sugar squeezed from the fruit, with most of the healthy parts chucked out. 

Would it be more healthy to use a juicer? Or would that be considered just basically squeezing the sugar out of the fruit or veggie?

When you guys talk about giving your kids smoothies, what are these, what's in them, and how do you make them?

[stik]

Juice you make with a juicer is still juice - you've just extracted the tasty sugar from the highly nutritious and beneficial fibers.  The DIY component might feel better than commercial juice, but it's the same thing.

I don't give my kids smoothies either, but as I understand it, you throw some fruit in a blender with some ice.  Some people add raw eggs or spinach.  

[Caneel]

Child of Mine, Feeding with Love and Good Sense by Ellen Slaterly saved us so much stress/trouble.  (I may have the title/author spelled wrong, I gave my copy away but I have it close enough to Google)

DH and I entered parenthood with boatloads of eating dysfunction and the above book set my head straight and gave me the confidence to not make food a battle. 

The jist of the book is she outlines how kids go through different developmental phases, how to sidestep battles, discusses how most picky eaters are raised to be picky (she does talk about kids with legit issues)  how and why some foods (like juice) shouldn't be part of a regular diet of a child who uses it as a food substitutre.  I think it presents a gentle and intelligent approach to feeding children.

[crunchy_mommy]

We do occasional smoothies -- we do things like:

coconut milk, banana, & nut butter
frozen strawberries, tofu, lemon juice and/or water
almonds, water, cinnamon, and frozen peaches

etc. whatever combos you want, just throw it all in the blender and add your milk/water until it's not too thick. The advantage of smoothies is they use the entire fruit for flavor/sweetness & you can add in protein, extra fat/calories (i.e. avocados, flax seed oil), and fiber, whereas juice (even homemade juice) basically is just sugar without too many other nutrients.

Anyway, as far as the meal issue... we try hard not to engage in battles. We put a small amount of the meal we're eating on his plate. He can eat it or not. Usually he has a few bites, sometimes he doesn't touch it, often he'll eat a substantial amount. He does need to say grace with us & stay at the table for a few minutes, but he can choose whether/how much to eat and he doesn't have to 'eat all his veggies' or anything like that, and though we don't regularly have dessert, it's not dependent on him eating his meal. He can have snacks all day/night but snacks in our house are things I feel comfortable with him essentially 'surviving' on -- hummus & veggies, apple & peanut butter, coconut yogurt, fruit, dinner leftovers from meals he really liked, etc.

[Altair]

I put everything out on his plate, and some days he's too tired by dinner and some days he devours it.  But we don't fight about it.  If he doesn't eat his dinner I make him a smoothie after dinner which features the veggies he refused at dinner.  ;-)

The base of my smoothie is usually half of a frozen banana (I peel and freeze any turning brown each week), some frozen fruit (bought on sale when local and cheap, or just whole foods bags of frozen berries), some frozen kale (anytime I make greens I slice up some extra and throw it in a freezer bag raw), then whatever veggies we had at dinner, then enough milk to make it smooth. I might add flax oil, some avocado, ground flax, coconut oil, whatever, if I feel he's lacking.  Served in a take and toss straw sippy cup. 

[anjsmama]

   Totally agree!

DS is not quite 3 (34 months) and I have to say he will pretty  much eat whatever I put in front of him at any time. He does have periods/phases where he prefers specific foods or doesn't eat much at meals and  these are my tried and true tactics : 1) I give him two options - Do you want broccoli or green beans? Being a toddler, he of course will probably say PB&J! LOL Just remind me that's not one of the options and see if he'll pick. 2) I let him help. I let him pick his fruits & veggies at the store. Green, red, orange, or yellow pepper? Kale or spinach? Pineapple or watermelon? Etc. Then when it's time to prepare,  I let him stand on a chair and "help" me cook the meal ...  he can stir eggs, move cut fruit into a bowl, pour in measured ingredients.. you know, very basic stuff. Something about "I made that - I picked that" makes a toddler willing to eat it. 3) If all else fails.. like when he went through his PB&J stage at 2.5 years - I stick everything he needs in smoothies! At that time, I cut all juice. His liquids were milk, water, and smoothies. I usually did 2 smoothies a day and just put as much "good" in them as I could. I also let him help put things in the blender and watch it spin... loved that! Pears, peaches, pineapple, bananas, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, spinach, kale, rosemary, cos, water, soy or coconut or almond milk, yogurt, etc.. if your DS needs it, it can probably be blended up!

One final suggestion - The cookbook Deceptively Delicious is pretty cool for "hiding" nutrient-rich foods in kid-friendly stuff like pancakes, pizza, the like. It's actually an awesome cookbook, though not entirely my style (I'm sort of lazy for the pureeing, haha!), I sometimes use those recipes to sneak nutrition for oh-so-stubborn DH!

Best of luck Mama!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Amy~ 

I don't fight with my 3 yo over food.  A very wise mama once told me that if get into a power struggle with a toddler, you've already lost...LOL..she was SO right!

[greenemami]

Dd is 4 now and we still use some of these methods.  Like some pp's, I read one of Ellen Saterly (sp?, sorry nak!) books-the main strategy I took away was to offer healthy foods at regular intervals and then just take a step back.  So, for example, offer three meals and three snacks a day and let your child choose what to eat.  The key here, of course, is to make sure that these meals and snacks contain only foods you actually want them to eat :) Dd has a bedtime snack every night, usually a banana, a string cheese, yogurt, or a hard-boiled egg, so if she doesn't eat much of her dinner (which she usually doesn't) we both know some nutrients are coming her way at bedtime. 

I personally don't let the kids choose to make something else during the meal (i.e. pbj) because I fear they will do it every time and I can guarantee if one of them made one, the others would want one too and then nobody would be left eating the meal I cooked.  I also do not do dessert as a regular thing to eliminate the idea of suffering through dinner just to get dessert.

[cyclamen]

I have my own crackpot theory on kid food... the average american diet, even a healthy one, contains far more variety than a kid would have ever ever ever encountered in most other times and places.  First because of seasonal reasons and second because of geographic reasons. 

But because we have grocery stores and seasonless access to hundreds of types of vegetables, etc, and instead of eating, say, pumpkins for a month, then putting the rest in the cellar for storage, we can really eat anything we want anytime.  There's so much variety that by comparison kids seem picky.  But if you were a picky toddler who didn't eat rice in the village in 1875... man what were you going to eat?  Besides granny's breastmilk, I mean.

So that is my crackpot theory.  I try to stick to a limited palette of healthy foods and it does seem to go over better that a wide variety of choices.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Everything Amy and Cyclamen said!

My tricks for feeding toddlers:

~ Store absolutely nothing in the house that I wouldn't feed a kid multiple times a day:

That means no juice, no cookies, no crackers, no empty calories that FEEL really good to eat that are not really good at all to eat. We have as much raw food as possible and try to keep more vegetables in the house than fruits. I love fruits, but they are not all created equal and I don't need to encourage the sweet tooth. I have some secret candy stashes for myself, but they are very secret...the only things DD and DS can find, get to, are things they can eat any time. So, that means there is a healthy amount of snacking going on here and that said snacking is whatever they'd like. We are not a free reign, take what you like, free-for-all, but when a kid comes to me with hunger,we figure out a snack.

No juice. No fluff food. No sugary stuff. Treats are nice...but in this phase where they fixate on a couple of things that they want and refuse the rest, I don't want to encourage the sugar crazies. So we can introduce fun snacks when a proper correlation between "My behavior has been good, my health is solid, I've eaten other good thigns today" - and "I can have a treat now" can be made.

~ What I serve is what I serve.

I am so steadfast on this. I spend a good part of my day planning and preparing meals. Everything I make is from scratch and everything I make is from the meal plan that I made at the beginning of the week. I love cooking and keeping things interesting, so I spend a lot of time coming up with The Plan and then I shop STRICTLY for The Plan and I do not ever (but on VERY rare occasions) deviate from The Plan.

That being said, if you don't want it, fine. But I'm not a short order cook. I don't go back to the kitchen to make a new plate. My other rule? We don't waste food. If you don't eat it, I'm saving it. You can have it later. I don't force my DD to eat things she actually doesn't like, but most of the time she refuses to eat something, it's because she has something else she'd rather be doing....so I save it and the next time she's hungry, BAM, there it is. We don't fight about this. There are no cross words. "I'm hungry" - "oh, that's awesome, because I have this food right here for you".

If, in the end, she sincerely does not want it and won't have it...the chickens make quick work of it. But I don't really mess around when it comes to the old "this is yuck" .

Between these two things, my kids have a great diet. I do not fight with people about food. There is nothing in my house that my kids couldn't eat all day. That has been the biggest part of feeding littles for me. Jsut don't keep it around if you wouldn't let them eat as much of it as they'd like to have.