How to decide to have a second child? LONG - Sorry!

[New_Natural_Mom]

I have a wonderful/loving/all around awesome 3 year old DS.  I am completely in love with him.  I have been thinking for the last year or so if we should have another child.  I think about it every day.  all day.  It is driving me crazy!  I just wish we would decide one way or another and be done with it!  DH feels exactly the same way.  We have pretty much the same concerns.

Cons for having another kid:

I have some health issues and am on medication that is not ok for pregnancy.  My doc is ok with working with me on it to try to wean me off the meds. 

I hated being pregnant.  Hated every second.  I didn't like the feeling of something alien in me and it took a lot out of me.  I was on bedrest for months and it really took a toll on me.  I finally (3 years later) feel like I am recovering.

I don't like the baby stage.  At all.  I love this age....actually starting at 2 I am much more comfortable.  I hate the sounds babies make, teething, starting solids, the developing the immune system....uck uck uck!

I have anxiety around sickness, so having another kid be sick all the time will freak me out, especially the potential of passing it back and forth.

I like the freedom we have now as DS is getting more independent.

I don't know if I could be a good parent to 2.  I don't ever want any child to feel slighted or that there are favorites.  My MIL very clearly favors her other children and not DH and other grandkid instead of DS, so I see how hurtful it is.  I don't think I could necessarily love a DC just because it is mine.  I connected with DS and love him for him, not just because he is my child.

Finally, financial.  We are very comfortable with our finances now.  We aren't rich by any means, but I can sign DS up for activities, and we can do fun things and still pay all the bills.  2 in daycare will be KILLER!!  Also, I want to send DS to private school and we couldn't do that with 2.

I had an emergency c-sec with DS.  He was 10lb 5 oz and I couldn't push him out after 21 hours of labor....concerned about what might happen at birth.

Pluses for having 2:

DS is awesome and gorgeous, hopefully chances are that another would be as awesome and gorgeous.

I see families with multiple older children and think they look so happy together.

I think DS would be a great sibling and would possibly enjoy a sibling.

I'm pretty sure DH wants another

This sounds pretty skewed, but I just can't stop thinking about it.  If you've read this far and have any words of wisdom, thanks!

[cat13]

I'm only pregnant with my first right now, so I don't know how welcome my advice will be, but....

Your cons list is very long. Just sayin.

Maybe instead of deciding "yes or no", you could decide to consciously not make a decision for a certain period of time: 1 year, 2 years, 6 months, etc. That way, you could put the stress of the decision away without making a final decision.

[Linda on the move]

Your con list is intense. How old are you? Is there any reason you need to decide this now?

[crunchy_mommy]

I agree that your con list seems pretty long.

(I hope this isn't rude to ask but --) have you considered adoption? Perhaps you could adopt a toddler or older kid, and that would cut out a lot of the cons (though certainly not all of them)... you wouldn't have to deal with pregnancy/birth/babyhood... but it would add a whole 'nother set of stressors...

We have been TTC#2 pretty much since DS was born -- so ~2 years now. I always wanted multiple kids but the longer we go without conceiving, the more I convince myself that there are tons of benefits to just having 1... it's this bizarre game I play with myself. We are still trying but I'm trying hard to just enjoy where we're at now and not obsess so much about the future.

Your 'pros' list is pretty meager and seems to have more to do with other people than yourself. Just sayin' And like the pp's mentioned, do you need to decide NOW? Could you decide to NOT decide? Could you decide, "No, not now, but maybe someday"?

[puffingirl]

With the exception of the c-section, I could have written that exact same post.  So, I totally hear where you are coming from.  DH and I have been round and round on this so much...  At this point, I am not willing to take the cons in order to get the pros (DH is but I'm not and my vote carries more weight because I carry the babies) so we are sticking with the one child we have.  Since I'm in my late 30's, I have left the door open for future changes of heart (nobody has had any surgical procedures), with the intention of finalizing it once and for all when I'm 40.  It's a tough thing to sort out and you've got to go with what's best for you and your family, not what's right for anyone else. I wish you all the best with this!

[A&A]

I agree that your cons list is long.  Don't feel that you have to have a 2nd child.  You can raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child without any siblings. 

[Peony]

Originally Posted by A&A 

I agree that your cons list is long.  Don't feel that you have to have a 2nd child.  You can raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child without any siblings. 

Exactly. And this is coming form someone who is pg with her 4th! I don't see anything wrong in having an only child, there are pros and cons to everything. A chid should be added into the family because you want to not because you feel you should. 

[XanaduMama]

I'm surprised that there's been such unanimous support for not having another! Yes, the cons list is long, but you're not comparing apples to apples, IMO. "Giving ds a sibling" is of several orders of magnitude more weighty than "I don't enjoy the baby stage" or " we couldn't send him to private school." Speaking as one of 4 kids myself, I have to say that one's siblings are a greater gift than anything material or even than one's parents' undivided attention (which isn't necessarily a benefit!). You can't imagine now how you'll "share" yourself or your heart with another child--I felt the same way before having #2, and still do sometimes as we contemplate #3--but any parent of multiple children will tell you that you can! And will!

I could go through and debunk each of your cons, if you like (just because MIL plays favorites doesn't mean it's inevitable), but I think you need to put aside the balance sheet, which, after all, can't measure things like love, and family, and the crazy joy one gets from one's children, even when they're driving you crazy! I say go for it--figure out the actual issues, like your medication, but then follow your heart, not necessarily your head! Just my $.02!

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom 

I don't like the baby stage.  At all.  I love this age....actually starting at 2 I am much more comfortable.  I hate the sounds babies make, teething, starting solids, the developing the immune system....uck uck uck!

I have anxiety around sickness, so having another kid be sick all the time will freak me out, especially the potential of passing it back and forth.

Can I also just point out that these three all reflect some deep-seated anxieties/phobias about the body, or bodies. I really really hope this doesn't sound judgmental or nosy ( I honestly don't mean it to be), but have you considered counseling around these issues? It might be helpful, especially before or during being pregnant, giving birth, and mothering an infant again.

Happy dissertating! I'm an academic myself, who had my two while dissertating, so I know how hard it can be!

[ElliesMomma]

i think you clearly want another child or you wouldn't be obsessing about it. your list of "cons" is your way of talking yourself out of it. if you have another child, you will never regret it. if you don't have another child, will you regret that??

[New_Natural_Mom]

Thanks for reading.  I am almost 32 - and I feel an old 32, not a young 32.  I want to answer some things asked.  I don't have issues with the body, I have issues with babies.  Not everyone likes babies!  (Or pregnancy for that matter!)  I don't like that they are so fragile.  DS is now able to tell us if something hurts and where.  No guessing.  I don't like the developing the immune system because that means the baby is sick (and most likely I am too.)  I hate teething, because, well doesn't everyone?    I have a sibling and we aren't close.  DH has 2 siblings, one neither of us can stand and one that he is close to.  I don't know if I will regret having just one...probably not.  I will absolutely regret if we have another one and it changes our family dynamics for the worse.

I thought of another con!  My midwife closed up shop 2 years ago so now I would have to find a new one or go to my OB....I do not want to be pregnant after 35.  So basically, we either get pregnant next summer or that's it.  I just want to be at peace instead of this constant, torturous back and forth.

[New_Natural_Mom]

Originally Posted by puffingirl 

With the exception of the c-section, I could have written that exact same post.  So, I totally hear where you are coming from.  DH and I have been round and round on this so much...  At this point, I am not willing to take the cons in order to get the pros (DH is but I'm not and my vote carries more weight because I carry the babies) so we are sticking with the one child we have.  Since I'm in my late 30's, I have left the door open for future changes of heart (nobody has had any surgical procedures), with the intention of finalizing it once and for all when I'm 40.  It's a tough thing to sort out and you've got to go with what's best for you and your family, not what's right for anyone else. I wish you all the best with this!

Thanks