Dh and I are sleeping in different rooms....please help!

[WaitingForKiddos]

I need some help with ideas how to fix this situation please!!

 Dh has a very hard time waking up in the morning. He typically uses 2 alarm clocks and the first alarm goes off about 45 minutes before he needs to get out of bed. From that point on an alarm goes off every 2-5 minutes due to snooze buttons or additional alarms. He normally needs to get out of bed at 6:30am. He's been like this since I've known him however I think it used to be a 20 minute alarm time, not 45. DS, 11 months, has slept in our room since birth and in bed with us/me since 8 weeks. DS is an amazing sleeeper. He wakes up 0-2 times a night to nurse and he does it near silently...just finds my nipple and dozes back off. DS goes is nursed to sleep in our bed at 7-8pm and then we/I join him at 11pm. DS undisturbed, will wake up at 6:45-7:15. Having DS sleep in his own room isn't an option for me.



I have two issues....

First, when DS is woken up by the first alarm he is very cranky. I wake up with DH and make his coffee and get his lunch together so when DS is woken up I end up needing to hold him while doing this things...a huge PITA and DS gets so frustrated. I've tried to negoiate the alarm situation and it gets better for a few weeks. The starting alarm will go off 20 minutes before he needs to leave, but within a couple weeks it's back to the 45 minutes of alarms.   I don't know how to approach this and have it not turn into DH saying DS 'should be in his crib' which I dont think he really believes 100% but DH seems to feel attacked with how I am coming to him. At this point if I just ask to talk about the alarms DH shuts down.

Second issue.....so due to all of that, DH has moved to sleeping in the guest room. We still spend the evening alone together and I try to make sure we have sex about 2 times a week (in the guest room) so the connection is isn't totally lost. A few nights ago DH tried to sleep with DS and I and to be honest....I didn't like it.   I felt squished. I also feel like when we do sleep in the same bed DH always requests sex and I just am not in the mood once it's time to go to sleep. Then I feel guity for not giving him sex with all he does for me/DS. Then I dont sleep.



I need ideas how to help all of us find peace with our sleeping locations.


 

[whozeyermamma]

Hm....

Well here's our situation. My DH snores VERY loud and talks (yells and curses, really) in his sleep. He also likes to fall asleep watching TV and likes to stay up late. None of this is very compatable with my sleep needs.

Soooo for most of the past 8 years (since older DD was born) - he sleeps on the couch. Before DS was born, DD slept in the big bed with me. Now DS (1 year) sleeps with me on a mattress on the floor and DD sleeps in her own room.

It's not ideal marriage-wise, but it works for us for now. Part of the reason why it works is that we both realize that we need sleep and this is the best way for everyone to get as much sleep as possible. We don't have sex as often as we'd like - we don't have a guest room which SUCKS - because I'm tired of doing it on the couch.

I think one of the things that helps us is that we're adjusted to this - we miss sleeping next to each other, but we need sleep more. And he knows that DS needs me more than he does.

Anyway - I would think that you two need to talk a little about it ...

[To-Fu]

Yeah, it seems like talking with your partner about how you feel and to troubleshoot might be good.

Honestly, it seems to me like you've found a way to manage it.  I think the key thing to keep in mind is that your kids won't always be little and won't always need you next to them in bed.  This is temporary.  The question is whether or not your marriage can stand this temporary change. 

One of the things we did for a while was that I would manage the alarm because I sleep really lightly.  I often woke up before it went off!  Then I'd physically (and it was a very physical effort sometimes) wake up my partner.  He sleeps HARD.  To this day, I always need to know before we go to sleep what time the alarm is going off in the morning so I can sort of mentally plan for it.  Even when he keeps it on his side of the bed, I wake up first and wait for him to turn it off.  He has sort of trained himself to be better about it. 

Good luck!

[whozeyermamma]

Originally Posted by To-Fu 
 I think the key thing to keep in mind is that your kids won't always be little and won't always need you next to them in bed.  This is temporary.  The question is whether or not your marriage can stand this temporary change. 

That's exactly what I mean. For us, our marriage is doing (pretty much) OK with this ... we have to work a little extra hard to get connected at times other than bedtime, but it's working for us, for now.

[anjsmama]

I'm not a whole bunch of help as far as your sleeping arrangements - DH and I sleep together and we only co-sleep early night and early mornings (the kiddos are in their own beds from around 10pm - 4 am).

However, your DH's awakening issues sound SO familiar, I was just curious if he's considered food allergy/intolerances? I was recently diagnosed for Celiac Disease and prior to switching to gluten-free, I was much the same. I had 3 of my own alarms, and then hubby's went off a little while after my last one, so that he could wake me in case none of mine did (which was almost always the case). The process was about an hour long. I often would turn off alarms (including walking to another room to turn one off) and be back out in 4 seconds and not even remember having woken up to turn it off. The whole thing drove my poor DH crazy, though luckily DS slept like a rock and never noticed. DD wasn't on scene at that time. I'm still not a super morning person - but I can hear my alarm and get myself out of bed in a matter of 10 minutes. It's been excellent for our marriage and our morning care for the kids, as they can sleep through our waking pattern! DH is usually ready for work and I've made coffee and breakfast when the kids get up around 630. 

[Fulhouse]

I Never can believe that so many parents think the master bedroom is right for the family bed. It just isn't. Ive been family bedding for over a decade, and what we did from the start was to put the big mattress on the floor in the nursery. The master bedroom has been for adults only. That way, all the adult thing can happen without disturbing baby - sex. Alarms. Snoring. Phone calls. Working out in the early morn.

It is awesome for even a hardworking dad to sometimes come join the family for cuddles and sleep, but with some work schedules that means weekends.

The truth is that a grown man has his own security and can handle daily sleeping on his own. Your baby has no other security but you, so baby needs you all night long. You can put baby to bed and spend time alone with DH first some nights, or slip in to join him a little in the night or early morn, but you two have logic in your brains so you can handle that for the early parenting years you don't need to sleep together every night.

It is absolutely fine to sleep separately from DH. This happens in most traditional cultures all over. But baby needs you all night.

[milkybean]

That alarm thing wouldn't be acceptable for ME.  It would have stopped or we wouldn't have been sharing a room even before baby came along.  I do not do well with other peoples' snooze buttons....

DH and I have been sleeping separately since '07.  DS and I got sick so DH slept on the couch, then DH got sick and stayed away, and by the time it all faded away, DH's snoring had become so bad, and I was so unused to it, that it was miserable for both of us.  It was bad enough that he *felt* that I was hitting him when he snored (or held his breath), even when I was gently nudging him, or just rubbing his back, or whatever (over DS, who always slept between us), but when he woke to find me sobbing from lack of sleep for the second or third time, he moved to the couch until the snoring could get under control.

And here we are, mid-2011, and tonight he's having his follow-up sleep study for them to play with how much air to blow up his nose to keep him from snoring and holding his breath.  He FINALLY heard me, that he's scary when he sleeps.  It's *possible* he'll rejoin the bed, which will be interesting as DS sleeps most of the night in his own room now (he's 7).  But if, for whatever reason, it doesn't work, it won't be an issue.  We've gotten beyond the stage of caring what other people might think of our sleeping arrangements.  If it works best for US, it just doesn't matter what others might think. 

I encourage you to talk this through with DH, let go of any preconceived notions either of you might have about sleeping arrangements, and find what works for YOU (=each family member).

By the way, kudos for getting up with DH!  Not sure that's ever happened with me and hubster, except for when he's too noisy while getting ready for work and wakes me up.  I think once I was having insomnia and got up and made him a sandwich or something while he was in the shower...maybe. 

[Peony]

I'll just echo many of the other posters. Sleeping apart doesn't mean it has to be forever, your DS is little, he needs you, DH is a grown adult. And sometimes, the very best sleeping arrangement is the one that allows everyone to get some sleep regardless of where that sleep occurs. 

My DH and I have been in separate rooms for 5 years now I think. It started off because I was could not deal with his snoring anymore. I felt like I spent half the night lying there plotting ways to smother him in his sleep. Obviously not good for a relationship! I literally kicked him and DD1 out of the bedroom one day, they slept together downstairs for another 2 years. DH always complained bitterly about it but I was a much better wife and mother when I didn't have to sleep with him so the arrangement stayed. Right when DS was born, DH came back in my bedroom to sleep with DD2, it took one night and then he was begging for his own room again! So DD2 and him moved back downstairs where he still remains today, but just with a different child now. 

[Mama_of_1]

I like the suggestion for having the alarm on your side of the bed.  Alternately, there are alarm clocks that have an attached vibrating disk that feeds off about 2-3 feet of wire/cord.  The vibrating disk slips under the pillow and voila!  You are vibrated awake!  Our DS has one of those except that now he says that it tickles him awake.  LOL

Good luck with this.  I know how miserable DH and I are when we can't sleep together so I wouldn't want to be facing it on a regular basis.

[transylvania_mom]

Us too. We simply can't sleep the three of us in one bed. We tried when ds was a baby and we were sleeping horribly. I needed space to move around to breastfeed ds, and dh would wake each time I nursed ds. Then we said: forget it, and dh moved in another bedroom. I co-slept with ds until he was about 18mo, then dh co-slept with him until he was 3 (he was nursing too much at night).

With dd, we didn't even try to sleep all of us in one bed. It was so nice to make my nest just for me and dd! When she was a newborn and she was nursing constantly I could read at night (I wouldn't have been able to, if dh was sleeping with us). Now dd is almost 2 and dh co-sleeps with her, so I can get some sleep.

And it's nice to have a separate bedroom for a "date" without kids.

OP, I wouldn't worry, it looks like you found the best arrangement for your family. Why worry just because you "are supposed" to sleep together? It won't be forever.