How should a five year old treat another five year old?

[verde]

Here's the story. My 5 y/o DD has a friend, a 5 y/o boy who lives in the neighborhood, A few days ago DH, DD and I all rode our bikes together so she could go to his house to play. DD had made some drawings for him as a gift. When we all arrived at his house she gave him the drawings saying, "I made these for you."  He looked at them, threw them on the ground and said, "I don't want them."  His mother looked surprised and said, "That's not nice, she made those for you." He just shrugged and walked away. 

DD looked hurt, put them back in her bike basket and then friend invited her to the swing set. Soon they were laughing and playing.

I don't know what to think. I felt sorry for DD. DH think he's a nasty little boy. I don't know if that's too harsh of a conclusion or not. Is he typical? Age-appropriate? Nasty? 

I really don't want to dislike a 5 y/o but at the moment I don't feel particularly warm towards him. 

[LuckyMommaToo]

I think "nasty" is definitely too strong. Some kids (like my DS) don't deal well when they feel put on the spot. Now granted, I would've handled it more strongly than that mom, (we often say, "Oops! Let's try that again, DS. Look at these nice drawings your friend made for you!") But it took me a long time to figure out how to help him. He's not the most emotionally intelligent kid, but he does much, much better now at the age of seven.

It stinks that your DD's feelings were hurt. I'm glad they recovered quickly to play.

-e

[Tjej]

Well, he's not uncommon, if that is your question.  I know a 3,5, and 6yo who have done it to eachother, and they are good friends.  I guide them to a kinder response.

Tjej

[Imagining]

I could have written this exact post in the past, but with me being mom of the boy.  As a PP poster said, kids don't always know how to react when put on the spot. Some are naturally gracious, and others need to be taught.  To be honest, as nice as it was of your daughter, in all likelihood the little boy was being truthful and didn't know what to even do with the drawings.  It's only in situations like this that we're able to teach our children the value of the thought behind a gift, and hopefully the mom tried to do that at some point after you left.

My son is sweet as can be, but really dislikes when everyone suddenly has eyes on him waiting for him to respond.  Because he doesn't immediately know what to do, sometimes he says nothing at all and shies away.  I remember once his girl friend made him a crown and was all proud to give it to him but he told her "no, thank you".  She couldn't understand why he didn't want it.  An hour after she left he was wearing it all around the house.  There might be other things your neighbor does that are nasty, but I would try not to hold this one against him.  I do feel for your DD though. Hopefully she understands that it wasn't because of the drawings, and it was still very thoughtful of her.

[MomtoDandJ]

We've had similar problems with some of my 4yo son's "friends."  I'm not sure if it was the "right" thing to do, but I just explained to my DS that some children sometimes make bad decisions but that we all make mistakes sometimes.  And I tell him that if he thinks another child is making a bad decision, he should just walk away.  I do reinforce that all people make mistakes and make bad decisions sometimes but that it's important to always try to treat people nicely.

There's a helpful article on age-appropriate social and emotional skills for children, in case you'll find it helpful.  And I've used these kindergarten emotions worksheets as talking points when discussing this with my son.  After completing a worksheets, we'll talk about why a person might feel sad, angry, etc.

[4evermom]

I don't think my son, at that age, would have understood why anyone would give him a drawing.  It would have been like someone giving him a sock, completely of no interest.  But I'm pretty sure he would have handed the picture to me rather than throwing it on the ground.  And he likely would have said thank you, but he naturally had a good sense of social propriety.  I suspect many kids that age would need coaching about how to respond.

[Anandamama]

I think his response is not that uncommon.  As PPs have mentioned, a lot of kids don't like to "perform" when everyone is watching them and expecting a certain response.  Or he might have just been having an off day, like we all do.  Your child might be unfailingly gracious, but I think most kids are not.  Sometimes we parents take things like that more to heart than the children do.  I try to follow the example of the kids and just move on, no hard feelings, and have fun!  It could well be that she could have given him the drawings again at the end of the playdate and his response would have been completely different.  At the same time, maybe his parents could do (and probably are doing) a little coaching on his end on how to better respond in a situation like that. 

[Alyantavid]

A "nasty little boy"?  How awful.  What will your dh do if your dd ever hurt someone's feelings?

5 year olds are just learning how to deal with others.  Kids are incredibly honest.  And at least with my 5 year old, his friends change daily.  Someone will hurt his feelings and he won't like them at all.  Until the next time they want to play.  It's really common and what happened there is a good way to talk to your daughter about what to do in situations like that.

Is this one incident the only reason you don't feel warm toward him and your dh thinks he's nasty? 

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

A "nasty little boy"?  How awful.  What will your dh do if your dd ever hurt someone's feelings?

5 year olds are just learning how to deal with others.  Kids are incredibly honest.  And at least with my 5 year old, his friends change daily.  Someone will hurt his feelings and he won't like them at all.  Until the next time they want to play.  It's really common and what happened there is a good way to talk to your daughter about what to do in situations like that.

I agree with this.  5 year olds are really still just learning to navigate "proper etiquette", and are still highly self-centered.  They can be brutally honest.  And how they might respond can hinge on whatever is going on with them at that moment (or whatever just happened).  It's quite possible that if you guys showed up half a hour later, for whatever reason, the little boy's response might have been entirely different, yk? 

[verde]

Thanks for your answers. Gives me lots to think about. 

Is this one incident the only reason you don't feel warm toward him and your dh thinks he's nasty? 

No. This little boy can be and has been really aggressive against my DD and others. He has hit, punched and poked other kids including DD. Sometimes he just shoves kids off of chairs onto the floor.  His parents are lovely and do address these issues. I don't fault them. I think it's just his personality. 

A "nasty little boy"?  How awful.  What will your dh do if your dd ever hurt someone's feelings?

One time this little boy and my DD were sitting on the branch of a tree about 4 ft off the ground. My DH was nearby doing yardwork. He looked over at them just as little boy shoved DD off the branch onto the ground. Just impulsively shoved her off. She cried and then DH and DD had a calm talk about why you can't just shove people onto the ground. But ever since DH witnessed that he's been extremely watchful anytime little boy is over. 

We've tried to limit their visits together but they attend the same school, live  nearby and they both like each other most of the time. I really like little boy's parents and I know that they know that little boy has aggressive tendencies and they do work with him about them. 

The reason I posted was because I wanted a reality check. I know that DH and I both have ambivalent feelings about him and I did not want to overreact.  Thanks for all of your comments. :)

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

A "nasty little boy"?  How awful.  What will your dh do if your dd ever hurt someone's feelings?

 Agreed. Your DH is judgemental and harsh imo. Had my 5yo gotten a picture he would have felt frozen and on the spot and wondered why anyone would give him a picture. depending on time of day, what had happened in the last 5 minutes, alignment of the moon... whatever, his response could have been:

1. ignore and ask the child to play with his football cards

2. grimace or hide behind me or DH

3. feel so on the spot as to say "I don't want it." or even "I don't like your picture"

4. comment on what a cool picture it was

5. ask the child to come in and make more pictures

6 .......

no one is perfect. Some kids go through a hitting and pushing phase. Some more verbal kids go through a mean, clique, rejecting phase. All kids go through some phase or another and not all of of these phases are great. Your darling 4yo might end up a saucy, snooty 6 yo or whatever. Not saying I wish it, but it might humble you to see that all kids are not perfect at all stages, adn therefore be more flexible and accepting of other kids and their parents. As parents, we have to step up to bat and guide our kids through the phase, and give them examples of other options. Sounds like the other mother is doing just that, pointing out that it was not nice and she made them for him.

[serenbat]

Is this one incident the only reason you don't feel warm toward him and your dh thinks he's nasty? 

No. This little boy can be and has been really aggressive against my DD and others. He has hit, punched and poked other kids including DD. Sometimes he just shoves kids off of chairs onto the floor.  His parents are lovely and do address these issues. I don't fault them. I think it's just his personality. 

A "nasty little boy"?  How awful.  What will your dh do if your dd ever hurt someone's feelings?

One time this little boy and my DD were sitting on the branch of a tree about 4 ft off the ground. My DH was nearby doing yardwork. He looked over at them just as little boy shoved DD off the branch onto the ground. Just impulsively shoved her off. She cried and then DH and DD had a calm talk about why you can't just shove people onto the ground. But ever since DH witnessed that he's been extremely watchful anytime little boy is over. 

We've tried to limit their visits together but they attend the same school, live  nearby and they both like each other most of the time. I really like little boy's parents and I know that they know that little boy has aggressive tendencies and they do work with him about them. 

The reason I posted was because I wanted a reality check. I know that DH and I both have ambivalent feelings about him and I did not want to overreact.  Thanks for all of your comments. :)

so not just a one time thing?

both my children when small were non pushers and both experienced being pushed on several occasions---it had an effect on mine (NOT saying all will) they get to the point they no longer want to be the pusher and in the case of my DS run away from many and is fearful - maybe your child will get along and this will pass--some children do out grow this behavior others no matter how much the parents around them try and deal they continue aggressive behavior past this age

I guess you have to make the best choice for your child and how much you and your child are will to put up with and be comfortable at the same time--IMO

[serenbat]

Some kids go through a hitting and pushing phase. Some more verbal kids go through a mean, clique, rejecting phase. All kids go through some phase or another and not all of of these phases are great. Your darling 4yo might end up a saucy, snooty 6 yo or whatever. Not saying I wish it, but it might humble you to see that all kids are not perfect at all stages, adn therefore be more flexible and accepting of other kids and their parents. 

as parents you need - IMO to also protect your child at various ages---children are not here to be pushed around over and over just to be accepting of others (this is totally understandable if the child is older but somehow when the are this age it is not)- we would not tell a parent to be "humbled" if we were talking about say a 13 year old pushing another 13 year old

parents of pushes seem to not understand what effect this behavior can have on non-pushers 

not all push and not all out grow it and not all deal wonderful being on the receiving end 

you can be humble all you want but when it effects your child you are allowing the damage to occur by continuing the relationship

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by serenbat 

as parents you need - IMO to also protect your child at various ages---children are not here to be pushed around over and over just to be accepting of others (this is totally understandable if the child is older but somehow when the are this age it is not)- we would not tell a parent to be "humbled" if we were talking about say a 13 year old pushing another 13 year old

parents of pushes seem to not understand what effect this behavior can have on non-pushers 

not all push and not all out grow it and not all deal wonderful being on the receiving end 

you can be humble all you want but when it effects your child you are allowing the damage to occur by continuing the relationship

So if your kid pushes another kid, you should keep him away from all children? 

I'm pretty sure having an adult call you a nasty little boy is fairly damaging as well.  It sounds like the boy's parents are working with him.  If the op wants to keep her kid away from him, that's completely her choice, but there's no reason she and her dh can't be adults about it.

[serenbat]

So if your kid pushes another kid, you should keep him away from all children? 

I'm pretty sure having an adult call you a nasty little boy is fairly damaging as well.

I don't allow my child to be abused for the sake of another to be accepted. If you have a pusher and the other parents are fine with it so be it-I'm not and I have seen the damage it does.

Damaging- that is a joke!  

No where did the OP say that her DH called the other a "nasty" name to the child's face - it strongly appears that the DH feels this way-NOT that it was said to the child and the DH has every right to feel what ever way he wants - 

How would the other child even know let alone the parents of the other child?

DH think he's a nasty little boy. 

[Alyantavid]

The op said her dh doesn't like this kid.  The kid knows that, believe me. 

I never said a child should allowed to abuse another.  The boy's parents are dealing with his behavior.  Since you haven't had a child who pushes, you may not realize it isn't magically fixed overnight.  I didn't say my kid was a pusher, they aren't and no I wouldn't be fine with it even if another parent was.  But you have to teach your child how to deal with all kinds.  Part of what I do as a parent, is help my children see why another child might behave a certain way.  That doesn't mean I teach my kids to just take when someone hurts them, but I don't automatically think badly of all kids just because they're behaving in a way that's not nice. 

The op asked if the boy was behaving typically and age appropriately.  He is.  While it may not be a behavior that is "good", I doubt he has nasty intentions.

[serenbat]

The op said her dh doesn't like this kid.  The kid knows that, believe me. 

again the poster did not say this and you appear to be reading into what you want not what was written by the OP

this does not mean what you are asserting - 

 I know that DH and I both have ambivalent feelings about him and I did not want to overreact. 

it does not mean (you do not know, nor does anyone else here know) the other child feels that the DH "doesn't like him"- it is wrong to state this-IMO

the OP clearly is dealing with this situation (as presenting an explanation to her child) as the parents of the other child also are attempting to do, you can explain all you want to a small child but it does not make it a healthy relationship

Edited by serenbat - 6/24/11 at 10:57am

[Alyantavid]

Ok yes I took "ambivalent feelings", "nasty little boy" and "I don't feel particularly warm towards to him" to mean that the dh and the op didn't like him.  Huge leap, I know.    My apologies.  You're focusing on something extremely unimportant about what I'm saying. 

No I don't know that the kid can tell how the op and her dh feel about him.  As a parent, I can tell when an adult doesn't like my kid.  My kids can tell when an adult doesn't like them.  It's not pleasant. 

[serenbat]

but there's no reason she and her dh can't be adults about it.

The OP and her Dh seem to be very astute and handling the situation appropriately given what she wrote (comes across as very compassionate given the circumstances)

-it seems to rude to make this something it's not and bashing the OP and her DH -IMO

[One_Girl]

That is not mean, it is just a child being blunt.  At that age my dd was often hurt by kids being blunt but she was also often the one being blunt to others as well.  The other stuff you posted is mean and I wouldn't have my child around a violent kid.  I am surprised you were more worried about a child making an abrupt comment than you were over him being randomly violent.  The stuff in your update gives a clear picture of meanness that goes beyond normal 5 year old stuff but not the OP.