Originally Posted by marthawashington
I have been separated from my boyfriend for about 6 months and we share a 34 month year old girl. I have tried to get him to agree that he should not take our daughter down to the OC from LA to have his mother and new stepfather babysit our daughter. There are a few reasons I feel nervous about her safety, including a big house, an ungated pool, etc. But most importantly, his mother said she was raped as a middle-aged woman and never reported it to the police. I do not know her new husband and my instinct says that he's a pretty dark guy. I like this women but this is someone who has a history of not reporting sexual crimes. What if my daughter is left alone with some strange man. Don't I have a right to say who can cares for my daughter and feel comfortable about where she is when I'm not around?
Does anyone have advice or even a referral to find out my legal rights?
the first thing you should do is file for custody and get a court order that outlines who spends how much time with her. it sounds like you want what is called "right of first refusal". this means that if he isn't going to be with her, you would be first in line to take her. he would have to offer her to you before asking his mom to watch her.
edited to add: without a court order for custody, as her father, he could take her and not bring her back to you. this is really important. whether you want sole custody or 50-50 or whatever, you need to file asap.
regarding the pool, figure out how to report the code violation, so that it will be enforced and they will have to gate the pool.
if you're really concerned about his mom's boyfriend, maybe you could get a background check. otherwise, i don't know what else you can do about your dd spending time around him.
Originally Posted by marthawashington
Okay, I see i hit a hot button. Please educate me then rather than insulting. It only closes the conversation. This should be a good venue for you to educate someone like me and others afraid to speak up. Some of you have been victims of sexual abuse so you're more educated. Why don't you spread the education instead? The insults don't hurt me... I just think I've hurt you and I feel bad about that. Here are my questions... I don't mean to ignorant and rude. I am really coming from a place of sincerity. Or, would it be better if I just repress my feeling and thoughts and act on fear rather than knowledge because I'm afraid to offend people?
1) When you don't report sexual abuse, why is that not a responsibility to stop someone from doing it again?... to someone who's vulnerable and doesn't have the age or education to do something about it or process it. A middle-aged women is a victim, of course, and I'm not blaming the victim for the crime that was done to her. But, isn't at least getting something on record with the police better than nothing. So, if another crime happens, he can't get away with it so easily. And, as you see there are a lot of victims of sexual crimes... is it wrong for me to not want my daughter to stay with a stranger I don't know.
2) I shouldn't have said a "dark" man without explaining. His comments that have come out of his mouth are questionable and I don't have a good feeling about him... call it mother's intuition. And, even if he seemed like a nice guy, isn't that what they all say, 'seems like a nice guy." All the stories of my friends being molested as children seem to be a family member or family friend that everyone loved. Don't I have the right as a mom to say she shouldn't stay at some guys house without her father there?
1. NO. i guess that's the way you see it and the way you believe you would handle it if you found yourself in that position, but no, it is not the victim's responsibility to stop a criminal from committing more crimes.
2. again, it sounds like you need to take this to court. your gut may be right - i don't know. but if i'm understanding the situation correctly, you have been voluntarily sending dd with her father, knowing that he then uses his mother for childcare (why does he take her if he's not going to spend that time with her?). it would be really hard to legally put a stop to that based on your gut, but you have to start somewhere, and i would start with trying to get right of first refusal.