**Trigger**Protecting Child from wrong babysitter- what are a mother's rights with shared custody - Page 5

[eclipse]

But we've never met the mother, either. So why should we assume that she is better qualified to make these kinds of decisions?

[The Harpy]

To respond to you, while I agree to some extent LEGALLY she does not have that right. When father takes over parenting time with the child, when the child is with FATHER, he has the legal right to make all parenting decisions unless the court has written orders denying him those rights.

Again, mother's are equal to father's, father's are equal to mother's. This is a 3 yr old child, not an infant and dad can make the decisions as to where the child should be.

Mother is trying to control something out of her legal control.

 

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Why?  Why should anyone who has never met this man trust that?  Am *I* in bizarro land?  You know, I wouldn't really care about this thread or care to even respond to you questions other than the fact that I think it is truly important for all parents to trust their instincts and their partners instincts when they feel something is "off."  A great deal of the time, parents will acknowledge that they did have a bad gut feeling about a person, but didn't want to overreact, be "paranoid", offend someone, etc. so they ignored true warning signs with ugly ugly outcomes.  I've seen in first hand more than I would have liked to, and my experiences have led me to feel that my child's safety is 100 times more important than a whole series of other priorities, including giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

[choli]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Why?  Why should anyone who has never met this man trust that?  Am *I* in bizarro land?  You know, I wouldn't really care about this thread or care to even respond to you questions other than the fact that I think it is truly important for all parents to trust their instincts and their partners instincts when they feel something is "off."  A great deal of the time, parents will acknowledge that they did have a bad gut feeling about a person, but didn't want to overreact, be "paranoid", offend someone, etc. so they ignored true warning signs with ugly ugly outcomes.  I've seen in first hand more than I would have liked to, and my experiences have led me to feel that my child's safety is 100 times more important than a whole series of other priorities, including giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

The point is that legally your instinct carries no weight in this situation.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by The Harpy 

To respond to you, while I agree to some extent LEGALLY she does not have that right. When father takes over parenting time with the child, when the child is with FATHER, he has the legal right to make all parenting decisions unless the court has written orders denying him those rights.

Again, mother's are equal to father's, father's are equal to mother's. This is a 3 yr old child, not an infant and dad can make the decisions as to where the child should be.

Mother is trying to control something out of her legal control.
 

My understanding is that she is asking about this and considering seeking legal changes to the court order.  Which is totally possible and happens all the time.  The question wasn't "am I legally able to do this?" which everyone knows the answer to at this point.  It doesn't mean she can't petition to have that changed. 

[APToddlerMama]

I can agree with that entirely.  I guess I am just of the view that I'd rather be safe than sorry.  If one parent has reservations, no matter how qualified or unqualified I think they are to determine the safety of a person, I am of the belief that those reservations and instincts should be respected.  That is how children are kept safe and protected.  I don't think any child should be cared for by any adult who BOTH parents don't feel is safe. 

Regardless, MDC wouldn't be deciding if this stepdad can care for her child.  A judge would.  And I trust that hopefully a judge will have enough facts that he or she would be able to make a decent decision regarding contact. 

 

Originally Posted by eclipse 

But we've never met the mother, either. So why should we assume that she is better qualified to make these kinds of decisions?

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by choli 

The point is that legally your instinct carries no weight in this situation.

It isn't just her instincts and judges can make whatever decisions they want in court orders and do all the time.  OP can also come to an agreement or compromise with her ex. 

[marthawashington]

Thank you to those for your support like APToddlerMama and your non-judgemental words.  It would be nice if all mom's could put themselves in another mom's shoes.  I just want to let you know that I'm closing my account today because I had such a negative experience.  Where is the moderator?

I was feeling worried for my daughter (a mother's right) so I asked for help but got so much meanness, cut downs, etc. that I don't have to be here.  I hope that I can teach my daughter that she doesn't have to be anybody but herself.  If she says the wrong thing, she can learn from it.  She should be forgiven...no one is perfect.  But, if people aren't kind and kindly correct or educate her and say that "she has no judgement" "want to throw up" even after her apology, then stays strong and just walk away.  Those people are miserable inside and have not dealt with their own inner-conflict.  I'm willing to say I was ignorant and apologized.  Others on this site are not able to do that, but feel they must deal with their healing by cutting others down...  turning their sadness into anger and manifesting it on sites like this.  It goes nowhere but into cyberspace and back into their hearts and minds.  This does not seem like the community I want to belong.  I hope my daughter can just walk away when people are mean, and not feel she has to defend herself even if she initally said the wrong thing.  Rape victim or not... doesn't mean  you can say anything you want and hurt other people.  That will not help yourself. It only reflects on how you have not dealt with the struggles that were dealt on you.  And, I say that from the most compassionate place.  You have my sympathy but I don't have to take your abuse.

[marthawashington]

Perhaps pour all that pain and angst into advocacy.  If you're afraid for your safety, you can still advocate without admitting you're  a rape victim.  But, the words you write here is not advocacy.  You discredit your words here with cut downs and they go nowhere.  By not showing sympathy for a fellow mom, won't make your pain go away.   Work for a rape prevention center or women's clinic.  Go educate schools.  When you help people, you help yourself.  If you still think I have poor judgement, why even respond to this forum?  I am only one person.  Why do you care so much what one stupid mom thinks?

[marthawashington]

For example, this is someone we should be trying to help.  Stop focusing on OP and let's find out how we can help MamitaM.  It's eye opening how people go to the controversy and not help those who obviously are at the start of their healing journey.  Is there anyone who would like to share their support to her?
 

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

 You should be ashamed of yourself for being so judgmental of a rape survivor.

Edited by marthawashington - 6/23/11 at 1:36pm

[marthawashington]

I thought these site were about expressing concerns and feelings and seeing if they're perhaps valid or there is something to it.  I thought it was a safe place to go.  I wondered out loud(which is what these forums are for) if a middle-aged women didn't report a sex crime for herself, would she do it for my daughter.  I'm sure alot of people are now afraid to express that feeling, and will secretly just make decisions upon a false assumption because they didn't feel they could talk about such a sensitive subject.

  It would have been more productive if someone could just say that here are the reasons it's so hard to come forward about yourself.  But, it MAY not be so with the daughter.  I understand it's not a black and white world.  Grandma, despite her past, may or may not help my daughter.  If those who feel they need to villanize others for self-preservation, I can understand that.  But, then you need to be able to listen to others too if you're going to be able to get past your own hurt.  Forgiveness is for yourself not for others.

Originally Posted by eclipse 

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

If he doesn't realize an ungated pool is a safety issue, I would have a difficult time "trusting" him as you suggest.  Why are you so bold and arrogant to suggest OP should "trust" this child's father when you have never met any of them.  Maybe she should.  Maybe she shouldn't.  We're on a message board.  We don't know.  I've worked in child welfare and seen plenty of parents who flat out can't and shouldn't be trusted.  Let OP sort that out instead of making the call yourself. 
 

The OP doesn't seem to be a very reliable narrator here, in my opinion. I don't think I would trust her judgment any more than I would trust the father's. She also has to consider whether she would feel comfortable having her ex vet every single child care choice she makes.

Edited by marthawashington - 6/23/11 at 1:32pm

[Agatha_Ann]

Each time you begin to show signs that you might be starting to get it, you take a giant leap back.

[marthawashington]

Example... another hurtful judgement.  This time esoteric.  And, no one's going to understand you unless you can communicate. It doesn't take just one minute to solve a problem.  You need to continually educate and be helpful in a nice way to help people learn.  If your purpose is not to help someone learn and just cut someone down...  Again, you're not helping a community or yourself.  Is this how you would talk to your children when they ask you a question?  I get it. I'm an adult.  But rape awareness is new to me.  Do you know everything about being a victim of racist violence?  Should I just write meaningless things cutting you down if you asked some questions?

In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher. 
Dalai Lama 

If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them. 
Dalai Lama 
 

Originally Posted by Agatha_Ann 

Each time you begin to show signs that you might be starting to get it, you take a giant leap back.

Edited by marthawashington - 6/23/11 at 2:09pm

[Agatha_Ann]

It is not my responsibility as a victim to educate anyone and I have never stated in any way shape or form that I know what it is like to experience racism. Many people in this thread have tried to help you see how incredibly hurtful and judgemental you are being and you are continuing to do so in each subsequent post. I do agree with you though that this is not healthy for me. I'm stepping away. Good luck to you and your daughter.

[Pynki]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Why?  Why should anyone who has never met this man trust that?  Am *I* in bizarro land?  You know, I wouldn't really care about this thread or care to even respond to you questions other than the fact that I think it is truly important for all parents to trust their instincts and their partners instincts when they feel something is "off."  A great deal of the time, parents will acknowledge that they did have a bad gut feeling about a person, but didn't want to overreact, be "paranoid", offend someone, etc. so they ignored true warning signs with ugly ugly outcomes.  I've seen in first hand more than I would have liked to, and my experiences have led me to feel that my child's safety is 100 times more important than a whole series of other priorities, including giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

I'm not saying you should trust a man you've never met. I am saying that you are going to have to trust the other parent's judgment.  Because that's ALL you can do.  If it's their visitation you have to trust their judgment to keep the child safe.  Or you can change the custody agreement.  But unless the other parent's family is full of child predators with a legal history to such, you're unlikely to get a judge - or the other parent- to agree with you to keep the child away simply because you do not know them. 

[marthawashington]

Then, what is your purpose of writing?  I never said you had to educate.  But what, then, is your purpose of writing?  I'm only going off that you are writing and don't understand what it's for then?
 

Originally Posted by Agatha_Ann 

It is not my responsibility as a victim to educate anyone and I have never stated in any way shape or form that I know what it is like to experience racism. Many people in this thread have tried to help you see how incredibly hurtful and judgemental you are being and you are continuing to do so in each subsequent post. I do agree with you though that this is not healthy for me. I'm stepping away. Good luck to you and your daughter.

[APToddlerMama]

Actually you did.  But now that we're to this point in a conversation that is rapidly spiraling downward, I'll bow out... I don't think there is anything else productive to comment on.  Clearly you and I have very different viewpoints.

 

Originally Posted by Pynki 

I'm not saying you should trust a man you've never met.

[Pynki]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Actually you did.  But now that we're to this point in a conversation that is rapidly spiraling downward, I'll bow out... I don't think there is anything else productive to comment on.  Clearly you and I have very different viewpoints.

 

Well if you are going to insist I did, I'm going to ask that you show me where.

[marthawashington]

Because this is a site to support mothers.   But, clearly the mother said something offenisive because she didn't understand and asked to be educated.  She apologized but that wasn't good enough for you.  Your mission now is to counterpoint anything productive on this thread at the risk of not being helpful to a 2 year old.  The mother was concerned about a 2 year old.  Why punish the 2 year old for the mother's original statement , which she retracted once she understood after having to filter though all the cut downs.

You are so hurt for yourself.  You won't even look at the original intention... to protect a two year old from a stranger and not even a blood relative.  People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own satisfaction. 

Originally Posted by eclipse 

But we've never met the mother, either. So why should we assume that she is better qualified to make these kinds of decisions?

[Bad Mama Jama]

This is a friendly nite from your neighborhood moderator. Please keep the conversation civil. Everyone deserves to be heard without judgement or the fear of persecution. Thank you for your attention to this. Back to your regularly scheduled thread...

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Tapatalk

[AdinaL]

That's enough, I think.

I will be closing this thread. The conversation has run into attacking and some very not respectful conversation. I no longer feel this thread is adhering to the UA.  If people wish to PM me with good reasons to open it back up, please do so. If people wish to contact me with edits for posts, they may do that as well.

I think this thread has run far enough afield that I am not sure we can get it back on track without seriously editing.

I suggest if there are still questions regarding how to handle legal issues with regard to visitation and childcare, then a new thread be started, in a single forum.

Thank you for the thoughtful conversation that *was* accomplished.