Meander: I still maintain that you were brave. The best I think I could possibly manage would be breaking down into a sobbing mess - they would have been able to restrain me, but only because I would have been paralyzed by fear. And you did it, you went through a very scary experience and came out the other side. And you're focused on the wonderful outcome of that wonderful baby. Of course you were scared and of course you wanted to run away. We aren't equipped to deal well with being cut open, but you dealt with it (I know it doesn't feel like you dealt with it well, that's obvious from what you write, but you dealt with it AT ALL, which in my opinion means you dealt with it well) and now you're on the recovery side, and it sounds like you've stayed on the positive side of doing what needs to be done all along. And honestly, I have given it some consideration, and I might actually prefer to be put under if I needed a c-section. My sister disagrees, thinking that I wouldn't want to miss that first view of baby, and I can understand that perspective, but I am not too keen on my first view of baby being when I'm terrified, either. Seriously, I can understand that it was shocking and that you don't feel proud, but I really truly think that you should. You're not a total wreck, you can still type coherently, you're still focused on Alaric. Thus, I am proud of you, even if you aren't right now. I hope you will be some day. Congratulations on the more colostrum, I'm sorry it's so difficult for you. Hopefully soon he can actually suckle and that will make it come easier! Also, please do pm me the details. I would love to see.
Livingsky: I'm sorry about being risked out. It must be hard, having built up a whole plan of what you were hoping to have happen, not to even get to try for it. I'm not sure why they risked you out, but if there really is a higher risk, it makes sense to go ahead and go to a hospital, right? From a purely logical standpoint, I mean, I can understand that the emotional impact of such a thing this late would be pretty upsetting. In my DDC someone just recommended this book for people wanting a natural book in a hospital, it might be worth checking it out? And my sister had an unmedicated, intervention-free birth at a US hospital, and I think she found it to be a pretty good experience (although very painful), even though it was not a particularly natural-birth friendly hospital. I know it isn't what you wanted, but it can still be good!