Originally Posted by petey44
Wow, Storm Bride, my post was not directed specifically at you (or anyone else on here either). In fact, if I recall correctly, you have said that you've done both, working outside home and staying at home. Which means that my post would really not be applicable to you, as I was talking about people who slammed a choice that they had never made and had no experience with. Please go back, reread, and see if it makes more sense now with that added explanation.
I actually haven't done what you said, as ds1 wasn't in daycare. I couldn't afford it, and made other arrangements for him. In any case, I wasn't offended on a personal level. I was, and am, disgusted that you basically said, "you can't say that you made the best choice for your family, unless you've tried everything". People, including moms, have every right to believe, and say, that they've made the right choice for their own families.
And nowhere did I say or imply that SAHMs are obnoxious.
I didn't exactly say you did, although I can see how you got that impression. Your entire post was pretty much about how SAHMs say really awful, hurtful things to WOHMs, but the things that WOHMs say to SAHMs aren't so bad. That carries a strong vibe of "SAHMs are so obnoxious/insulting/mean/whatever to WOHMs". Trust me, it goes both ways.
I was trying to make two points- one- that saying or implying that a mother is not really a mother because she's not the sole provider all the time hits a very deep nerve for most people, which is why it seems easy to insult a WOHM.
It's easy to insult a SAHM, too. Do you have any idea how long the "sitting the couch eating bonbons" thing has been floating around? Do you have any idea how many SAHMs get flack from WOHMs, because "if I can keep my house clean and work all day, she should be able to since she's there", etc? And, the number of just generally condescending, dismissive comments aimed at SAHMs from WOHMs is insulting, too (multiple variants on "you're wasting your brain/education", "I'd go mad doing nothing but changing diapers and washing dishes", etc.). They hit a deep nerve. You basically said that only the insults aimed at WOHMs hit a deep nerve, or imply that the mom in question isn't doing right by her kids. The insults thrown at SAHMs imply the same things.
And two- that it does bother me, personally, when a person slams a choice that they actually know nothing about. I used the word "fears" because that is how I've heard it mentioned, on Mothering and IRL, by quite a few moms who are agonizing over what to do when their family's financial needs aren't being met, so they're going to have to work, but what to do with the kids?? Maybe you don't now and never did have a fear surrounding daycare, but a lot of people do. Hell, I did before I experienced it.
I'm sure some people do have fears about daycare. (And, some people don't, and then have bad experiences, and some people just have it go well all along and everything in between). But, I've seen this a couple of times around here in the last couple of weeks. This whole "if you make X decision, it must be because you fear Y decision". It's condescending, and makes a lot of assumptions about other people's motives. People make decisions for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with fear. (Personally, I'm homeschooling, partly out of fear, but I'm not SAHMing from fear at all.)
The angry tone of your message really put me off, btw. I don't think there was any need for that.
The "need" for that is that your post, especially the sentence I bolded, made me angry. The Mommy Wars turn my stomach. It's bad enough that people get bent out of shape and start in with "you're insulting me, because you made a different choice than I did, and think it's best for your family". But, when people start saying "you can't even say this is best for your family, because you haven't tried the alternatives", it's going over the top. My choice to stay home, and my belief that it's best for my kids (and, quite honestly, ds1 did just fine, for the most part, with me at work...but dd1 and ds2 are very different people than ds1 was/is) is about me and my family, and I have every right to say "this is best for me and my family/kids". It's not about you. It's not about your family. So, why do you even care if I say "I'm home with my kids, because that's best for them."?