AP Moms: Daycare & Crying It Out

[Chiro Mom]

My daughter is 14 months old and started daycare at 12 months, 2 days/week. Her personality and behaviour at home changed immediately, she became very clingy especially to me. My husband and I have followed attachement parenting principles and our daughter is a very easy going, empathetic, happy girl that RARELY cries at home. However the daycare providers comment on how she cries often, and prefers to either be held or in the high chair. Also after interviewing several daycare providers we were sold on this one as they seemed to agree with our parenting styles and supported our decision not to cry it out or follow strict napping schedules. My gut instinct lately is that i'm not happy with our daughter's care (even though we've had soo many parents rave about how much they love/d this daycare). And we recently heard of them letting our daughter cry in a crib for 10 minutes prior to sleep - something we don't do and don't agree with.

I realize with multiple kids in daycare, crying for extended period may be part of the norm. So even though i don't agree with it, do I have to accept this practice with my daughter if i need daycare? She may not be ready for daycare but I don't have much choice, i have to work at least 2 days/week.

[pranava]

Being extra clingy at home is normal for a kid just starting daycare, and also normal for her age.  I think there are some majory physical and cognitive leaps going on right around a year and those always made my DS extra clingy too. 

You should trust your gut when it comes to the kind of care you want for your child.  While crying in daycare is normal at the beginning (some kids take a few months to get used to being there), if you've given her a decent adjustment period and it's still not going well, it may not be the right environment for her.  All kids are different, so some parents may rave about a place becuase that place/person fits their child perfectly - it may not fit your child perfectly.  That's not to say the caregiver is doing a bad job. 

I would not want much if any CIO going on at daycare.  To me that's worse than CIO at home because the child is not comfortable yet with the environment or caregiver.  I know it can't be avoided at times when there are many kids and many needs, but if crying can be attended to, it should be. 

[Alisse]

Starting daycare is most traumatic for the parents and most daycares know this.  Have you first voiced your concerns about having heard that they allowed her to CIO in the crib?  Just let them know that that's not acceptable to you and see how they respond.

My son had a hard time when he started daycare too.  I ended up giving them a couple of carriers so that someone could wear him around, and they were very good about using it.  

[tzs]

i don't know about CIO at daycares.

any daycare that lets a kid cry without being attended to is in violation of licensing (at least in the state that i worked in and i imagine that would be across the board) and i think most quality providers would know that. 

is a teacher WITH her while she is crying etc....?

[MadiMamacita]

I worked in a day care (before I was a mom) that parents raved about. she had a huge wait list. I'm pretty sure she would tell the parents that she doesn't believe that THEY should practice CIO either. But she had us do it, and if a kid was crying in the pack n play (just lay her down, shut the door, and walk out! she would say) when a parent arrived, she would have one of us get her asap and try to make it look like she WASN'T CIO. There was one little girl that just broke my heart. I would gently lay her down, rub her back, and tell her that I would check back in on her every minute it I had to so she wouldn't cry. She would fall asleep with no tears and everyone was amazed at what a "miracle" it was that she didn't CIO and STILL got to sleep. There were also comments about how "spoiled" babies were who just wanted to be held all the time (um... wouldn't you??) I didn't work there long, but it really made me question putting MY child in day care. no matter how great it looks, no matter how much people rave over it, you don't know what they are doing after you leave.

[jumpmama]

Just a thought but, have you considered looking for an AP mom who is trying to find an extra child to care for in her home?

You sound like you know you do not want her there and just because parents rave about this day care doesnt mean much, lots of parents believe in CIO. I would be looking at other options...you didnt spend all of this time nurturing your daughter to have someone wreck all of that. I really hope you can find something that works for your family :|)

[Valian]

Finding the right day care fit is sooooooo hard. But, it sounds like you don't have the right fit for your family.

A 2 x/week schedule is also tought because s/he doens't get a chance to really adjust. It likely feels fairly random to her, kwim?

IF you have other affordable options in your area, I would personally be looking around or considering a nanny share/hiring a Mom to watch my LO.

If you don't have other options, I would emphasize that you want someone to pat/rub her back or comfort her when she cries/is falling asleep.

[Louisep]

Originally Posted by Valian 

Finding the right day care fit is sooooooo hard. But, it sounds like you don't have the right fit for your family.

A 2 x/week schedule is also tought because s/he doens't get a chance to really adjust. It likely feels fairly random to her, kwim?

IF you have other affordable options in your area, I would personally be looking around or considering a nanny share/hiring a Mom to watch my LO.

If you don't have other options, I would emphasize that you want someone to pat/rub her back or comfort her when she cries/is falling asleep.

THIS. And while you search for another option, speak to the director of the daycare. Our preschool Director where DS started at age 15 months is extremely responsive and follows parent's wishes to a T. I know this because it's a cooperative preschool and parents have to spend time in the classrooms. So CIO is not something you have to put up with and shop around until you find something that works. It's tough, I feel your pain.