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How do I DO all of this?

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

Very long story, short. Filed for d, separated a month. Three kiddos, 8, 5 and 2. 50/50 custody. No abuse issues, no cheating, we get along well now for the most part, just not happy and a LOT of fighting and tension before the move. Wow! That was super short.

 

Anyhow, here I am. When I don't have the kids with me I miss them so much, I feel like I'm going crazy. I absolutely HATE it. What do I do with all this time? My husband is a teacher, so he has them all day every day for these 12 weeks in the summer and I work full-time, daylight hours on weekdays. Even though I see them every day, even on the days I don't have them, I feel like I'm missing so so much. So much so it's affecting every part of my life. I mean, these kids ARE my life, so I don't have much else. I know I should spend time with friends, but either they all have kids of their own and are busy working too or they're not close.

 

I've got all the regular worries (I think) about no one ever loving me again, being too old to ever find someone who is interested in me (I am 36) and all that stuff that I don't even know what to think. I am a jangly shaky anxiety-ridden bundle of nerves all the time. Is this normal? I don't know anyone irl who has ever been through a divorce, certainly not with three kids.

 

Can someone please, please tell me if this is normal? Is it okay? When does it stop? How did you handle it?

post #2 of 8

((hugs)) I'm sorry. I am going through a divorce, too, with four children (10, 8, 6, 3). My STBX only has the kids when I am at work, 3 days a week for 12 hours. Never otherwise, so my only alone time is at work.

 

I think what you are feeling is normal. You are used to the kids being with you all the time, adn now they are not. Thats a big change. I wish I had a suggestion for you, but I just wanted to say that you aren't hte only one who is separated with multiple children. Its only been 10 days for me, and we were together for 12 years. It is the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

((hugs)) you're not alone

post #3 of 8

oh, sweetie, it's totally normal! I can't say how long it takes, but we all adjust, settle into new patterns. Were you working before or is that new, too? 

 

What helped me was getting back in touch with things I loved to do before I had kids and had free time. The dirty secret of a lot of divorces is that you get tons more time to yourself when the kids are with the other parent, so try to find the blessing in that and do lovely things for yourself =)

post #4 of 8

It gets easier. My ex had 20 month old this weekend and I did fine. I cried but it gets easier. I get time alone, clean the house, shop w/ out kids and had a bath on my own! LOL

post #5 of 8

It is totally normal!  Ex only has DS every other weekend, but I miss him like crazy when he's gone.  We've had it set up this way for 7-8 months now, and I'm handling it better than I did at the beginning, but it's still tough.  DS will be with his dad for an entire week soon (part of the "extra" summer visitation we have), and I'm trying to plan as many activities as possible for that week, both because there's a lot I need to do and to keep myself busy.

 

I highly recommend the book The Artist's Way (even if you aren't technically any sort of 'artist').  It kind of leads you on a journey of self-discovery.  I found The Dance by Oriah to be helpful, too. Since I tend to find it hardest to be by myself at night, I've also started working my way through a long list of movies and TV series I've missed (currently on Gilmore Girls, and Glee).  If you aren't a television person, maybe you could check out some good books from the library.  Journaling and "being with your emotions" (which I've read about everywhere) are all well and good, but sometimes you just need to be distracted!  Or at least I do. redface.gif

post #6 of 8

I have been separated from ex for 10 mos. Before the split I was with my son 24/7. Rarely did I ever get to go anywhere without him- never mind alone! After the split he would go with his dad tues, thurs evenings and overnight sat to sun. It was a very fair split seeing as he was used to seeing me every day and this meant he still did- but ex got to see him 4 days a week. Even that was hard at firts though- I had to make plans on Sat night or I was miserable! And the plans usually involved drinking which helped me sleep and not think about how much I missed him. After 5 mos of that ex asked for one full weekend a month so we've been doing that for the past 5 months. He picks up at school friday and returns to school monday morning. At first that was REALLY hard! I had never been away from him for so many days! The key all along has been to make plans. I plan to do things that are harder to do with kids- running errands, getting a haircut, dr. appointments, grocery shopping, calling friends far away and talking without interruption, getting together with friends, cleaning my house, renting movies.

 

Often I get together with friends or family at their houses- I'll bring a pizza or a DVD or both. One friend's husband works nights sometimes so I'll go over and we'll eat dinner and the kids will go off and play and we'll have a glass of wine and talk or watch a video. Another friend is recently divorced so we try to get together when we are both kid free. Another friend is single. Keeping busy is key for me- and making sure I see someone each day he is gone- if I spend a whole day and night alone -it gets hard and I get sad.  Start exercising! Take long walks alone or join a gym or a pool. It'll get you out of the house and around other people.Focus on you!  Start new routines- like go to Starbucks on Saturday morning and get a coffee and read- or Barnes and Noble- or anywhere like that.  You'll start to look forward to those kinds of things.

 

What you're feeling is totally normal. I went through all that in the beginning. It DOES get better!  HOpe this helps!

post #7 of 8

Oh my gosh.  I came here to post a similar thread.  My kids are 14, 11 and 8.  i have hated every minute since the divorce.  Every day at work I feel like a total failure.  I have been divorced for almost 3 years and it hasn't gotten any better.  I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom before the divorce started looming.  I  was working part time then (and actually enjoyed it)  but since I have gone full time I just hate every minute of it.

post #8 of 8

its been just a month right?

 

the estimated 'average' time to deal with - let alone a divorce - is about 2 years. 

 

this is a HUGE change. the biggest after the death of a parent or sibling. 

 

so yes totally normal. 

 

in your own time you will find your own way. 

 

just put one step ahead of each other and one step at a time. 

 

time is the healer. slowly you will figure out your way just the way we all have had to do it. 

 

teh evenings can be so empty and silent cant they? 

 

for me staying home made things worse. i would go out for a walk. i'd visit friends. i'd take long baths with a book. i tried a myriad of activities and surely and slowly started enjoying my alone time. 

 

didnt happen overnight thats for sure. 7 1/2 years later i still enjoy my time with dd and try spending as much time with her. i still miss her esp. when i am doing something that i know she would have enjoyed. 

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