Not sure if I should try to conceive.

[IamNoonie]

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I are 25 and in absolute love. We do plan on getting married someday also. However, he wants me to have a baby. He said we should start trying. As much as I would like to...I'm definitely a little scared. Back in December I had to go through a miscarriage...and it was very hard emotionally. I still think about the due date till this day. I have back problems, and even though I haven't had a "flare up" of pain for a few months there's that chance. Plus, I'm experiencing abnormal bleeding and spotting as of right now.

I definitely want to have children, but as of right now I'm worried my body can't handle a pregnancy. I do not want to go through another miscarriage, but I do not want to not try. Guess you can say I want my cake, and I want to eat it to. Is there a way to try to get my body up to normal while I'm trying to conceive, or should I just go on the take a chance route? I'm definitely going to a doctor soon to figure out why I'm spotting/bleeding like this two weeks after my menstrual. Should I just wait on trying for a baby? How do I tell my boyfriend I changed my mind? He got super excited when I said yes. Thanks in advance :)

[JMJ]

I have 2 books for you.  Fertility Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn Shannon and Real Food For Mother and Baby by Nina Planck.  While you're at it, read Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler, get off hormonal birth control, and join the charting to avoid thread in Family Planning for a few months.  There are things that you can do before you TTC that may make for an easier pregnancy and a healthier baby.  Gotta go, I'll write more later.

[IamNoonie]

Yeah, I'll definitely look into all those. Thanks :)

[Jaimee]

Welcome to MDC!!  

I second the recommendation to read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  It will really help you to understand your body's cycles, pinpoint problems, and start implementing solutions (which the other books can help you with).  You can start with nutritional and/or exercise related solutions and if further evidence indicates a more serious issue you have data to give to your fertility doctor so that s/he can make a good medication/reproductive technology choice quicker.  Charting is such an amazing tool and will also help you on your TTC journey when you decide the time is right.

I also second the recommendation to chart to avoid pregnancy for a bit to get to know what's going on.  Irregular spotting could indicate that there is a hormonal imbalance going on, which could make conceiving and/or sustaining a pregnancy more difficult.  Working on that first could save you the heart ache down the line. It's also entirely possible that if you decide to just go for it that the next time you conceive everything goes just fine.  But if it were me, I would want to know more about what is going on first.

If you decide to start charting and have questions, just ask!  You can join a free online site like www.fertilityfriend.com to log your charting data so you can share your charts on forums like this one.  But please do not rely on Fertility Friend as a way to AVOID pregnancy. 

As for talking with your boyfriend, I believe that open and honest communication is key- especially when considering embarking on the  parenting journey.  It's so important that both of you understand each other's feelings and can make a decision with all the factors in mind.  It sounds like you two have a great relationship so I would think that he could understand your need to take care of your physical and emotional health before getting pregnant and becoming a mother- two very significant, life altering changes in your life.  Good luck with your decision!

[JMJ]

I apologize for my hurried response last night.  It sounds to me like it's not that you don't want to TTC.  It's that you want to do it right.  Healthy pregnancies start with healthy parents.  I've heard a great analogy that you need to nourish the soil before you plant the seed.  In my opinion, this is part of TTC, trying to get your body ready to support another life.  When you talk to your BF, you can emphasize that it's not that you don't want to TTC, but this is the way that you want to have a baby with him.  You need at least 3 months, 6 would be better, and some people spend a whole year getting ready.

This is an excellent time to learn how to chart.  Hormonal birth control depletes your body of the same nutrients that your newly conceived baby needs, namely B Vitamins.  Charting can be a very effective means of planning or postponing pregnancy, but a lot of people are not confident with it, and it takes some time to get to know your body.  It is comforting to know during this period that the worst that can happen is that you get pregnant a couple months earlier, and meanwhile, it can tell you a lot about the health of your cycle and help you get your body ready to grow a baby.

This is also a time to look at what you might need to do in your relationship to prepare to become parents.  Having a baby is a big commitment, in my opinion an even bigger commitment than marriage.  Many people feel more comfortable making the commitment to have a child with a particular person when the commitment of marriage is already in place.  I'm not trying to judge, but I think it would be wise just to look at your reasons for wanting a child first.  In some cases, the reason that a couple has not gotten married yet is because they are still getting to know each other, don't think that they have been together long enough, aren't totally sure that s/he's really the one, or are waiting for something like finishing school, buying a house, getting a job, or paying off debts.  In general, I think that if it's reason enough to put off getting married, it's probably reason enough to put off having children as well.

Now, many couples who are very sure of their relationship have children first and then go on to get married at some point in time and have a good relationship with each other.  It's just that you have a responsibility to think about the situation in which you are bringing a child into.  I'm not trying to make your decisions for you, and I hop I don't sound like I am.  I'm just encouraging you to nourish the soil of your relationship before you plant the seed as well.  I realized when I first got pregnant that we had started a project that would hopefully outlive us.  There was no going back.  We were parents... together.

[IamNoonie]

Thank you both so much for the advice. Me and my boyfriend are not in a rush to get married. Mostly because of me. I have 4 older siblings, and three of them have been divorced. I figure, if you already have that amazing relationship...it doesn't matter if a piece of paper makes it "official." :)....Sorry I haven't replied back to these sooner, but I've been busy with work....but I have read your responses early. I did talk with him...he asked me if we were trying to have a baby or not. I said we needed to wait because of unresolved woman issue's I've been experiencing lately. Up to date is that we are not trying to conceive now. We are both trying to get in the most healthy state first :).

[Sourire]

I think if you're hesitant to start TTC right away, its a great opportunity to do a period of "preconception preparation" while waiting to be ready. Studies have shown that people who spend just 4 months optimising their fertility get pregnant faster, have less miscarriages, less birth defects, less stillbirths and easier pregnancies.

The areas to focus on during that period are the following:

1. Your physical health - make sure you're doing the right amount of excercise, eating the best possible diet, and resolve any medical issues you might have. Also try to minimize your exposure to chemicals (ex: in cleaning products or on food) because these are harmful to fertility, and stop taking hormonal birth control (it can take a few months for your fertility to fully recover after stopping the pill).

2. Your emotional health - make sure you and your partner have a great relationship, minimize stress in your life, try to become more happy in general. Your emotional health does have an impact on your fertility.

3. Understand your body - start charting your cycles so that you can understand how your cycles work, when you are ovulating, and how long your luteal phase is. This knowledge will help you get pregnant faster when you are ready to start trying, and also help identify any potential problems that could impair your fertility. For example a short luteal phase or spotting during the luteal phase could indicate low progesterone levels, which could lead to an increased risk of miscarriage.

The previous posters have given a lot of great suggestions to do some of these things. There are a ton of articles on this website which give even more good ideas: http://naturalfertilitybreakthrough.com/blog/