1/2way between wanting but waiting and ttc but body won't let me....

[Thandiwe]

I have no idea where I belong around here - I guess 1/2 way between the "wanting but waiting" and the "TTC but body won't let me" groups.  We want a 4th (our last), and we're quickly approaching the time when, given the exact spacing between each of the kids, we *should* be having another, but: 1) it's a bad time.  We struggle financially.  A lot.  2) I'm returning to school for my last few semesters starting this fall (then I'll have a Bachelor's).  3) My body won't let me TTC - AF hasn't even returned yet.  :(  We have been sloppy about using protection, since I haven't had my period since my 16 month old was born.  I have had a few pg signs/symptoms, so I took a test tonight.  Negative.  Sadly, I was bummed.  Without my period (and I'm still nursing on demand; a lot), I can't say, "Well, we'll try again next month."  And of course, I know we shouldn't have another.

But I find myself justifying.  Well, we breastfeed.  We cloth diaper.  We co-sleep.  We home school (no increase in tuition).  Blah, blah, blah.  I want another baby; I want our last one.  I know this will be our last, and I'm settled with that.  Last baby's pg was awful on so many levels, so I really want to try again and really enjoy my last pg.  I really like the gap we have with all 3 kids (each was conceived when the oldest above was 18-20 months old), and I'd like to keep that.  Which means prego in next couple of months.  TBH, I would love a bfp around August to have a May baby, but who knows if my body will cooperate.

Not too much of a point to this except to get it out there.  I'm not advertising it among our family and friends but I want to tell someone.  Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Three~Little~Birds]

Me!!!
I don't really know where I fit, either.
On the one hand, I don't quite feel 'done' yet. In the back of my mind I think that I have been thinking that I'd have 4 kids. I can't imagine not having one last one. I am starting to get major baby twinges. I am also in my late 30s and am feeling like it's now or never...

On the other hand, we really can't afford one either. I am a SAHM, and it's really tight on one income. We'd need to buy a van. I also have my mother constantly suggesting how they only get more expensive (which is true) as a means to try to persuade us to not have another, I think. Also, my DH travels and is away about 3/4 of the time, and even when he is home I pretty much do everything myself anyway. I am often overwhelmed with my current workload. Also, my body isn't cooperating, either. I have a super short luteal phase, caused by still nursing my two-year old a tonne, I think. I am also overweight and didn't want to enter into a pregnancy without having shed some pounds first.

Sigh. Such a conflict between my head and heart. Depending where i m in my cycke, too, makes a HUGE difference, too. Ahh, those ovulation hormones... I think that if my body was willing to cooperate, though, my decision would be made for me due to our lack of uber- diligent birth control. Maybe that says a lot....

I hear ya, Mama!

[Thandiwe]

Yes!!  Right on target on all aspects!!  So good to know I'm not alone.