A shy toddler or something more serious?

[TuiNZ]

Let me begin by saying that I am one of those mothers that worries ALL the time (comes with the job description I guess) and ever since DS was a newborn I have always worried about a number of things, none of which have actually been an issue.

So the latest worry I’ve got is about our DS’s language and social development. He is 22 months old. This may be a bit long but I’d like to describe my DS in detail in order to give you the full picture:

Motor skills

DS has hit all his milestones early on this. He was sitting up at 5 months, pulling himself up at 7, walking at 11. He has always been very cautious so I hardly ever have to worry about him getting hurt. He did fall over recently as he was running in the dark and didn’t see a step. But generally, he is really careful even though he climbs, jumps, runs... like any other toddler. You can see though that he thinks before he does. He can climb up stairs without support. He's great on slides and other things at the playground.

He is good with his hands too, quite strong, and can perform delicate tasks. He started using a spoon early, drinking from a cup, when he closes a door he makes sure to move his fingers out of the way... etc. His motor skills are constantly getting better and sometimes I am amazed with how good they are.

Cognitive skills

He seems to understand a lot and strikes me as someone who loves to absorb the world and the information around him. He pays attention when you’re trying to explain something to him. It is obvious that he pays attention as he will do something he saw us doing, like throwing tissues into the rubbish bin after using them. He will analyse his surroundings and the situation before he decides whether to engage or not. I think his emotional intelligence is high. He will hold my hand when walking down a street.

He’s been able to resolve baby puzzles from an early age and works out toys quickly.

Receptive language skills

Really good. He can point to most things when you ask him “where is...”. Or if he’s trying to explain something to you (in babble) he will point. He knows his body parts, can point to people when you say their name and picks things up quickly and doesn’t forget. For example, if I told him a month ago what something is called most of the time he will still remember. He follows instructions well... but of course not when he doesn’t want to do it... like when we need to change his nappy he runs away.

Expressive language skills

I would say delayed and it does worry me a bit, but I must stress he is exposed to three different languages. For 22 months of age he can say “tata” (for daddy in my language), “baba” (for grandmother), “tar” (for star), bath, cheese, ouch, kaka (for “poopoo”), Thomas (for “Thomas the tank engine” – his favourite toy), “tickle tickle”, “A-m A-m” (for food), “choo choo”, “chi chi chi” (for his monkey).

He does some sign language for “rain”, “airplane”, “fly”... and can imitate some animal sounds (cat, lion, dog).  These have been developing progressively. As far as I know he didn’t have some words and then lost them although once, when he was 17 months old, we thought we heard him say “delicious” but not again. :o)

But he babbles all the time and sometimes it’s clear he’s telling you a story. For example, last night he was telling us how daddy was trying to catch a fly but it got away. Or this morning, when I was trying to get him to sit on a potty, he was saying how I need to put a nappy on him and to dress him, and his great grandmother can sit on a potty. :o)

Most of the time he can explain himself very well to us and we know what he wants. Sometimes he will whine and it drives us crazy as we don’t know what it is he wants!

As far as tantrums are concerned he will have one on occasion but they don’t last long. Some days are worse than others, which mainly depends on whether he had a good sleep that night or not. He’s never been a good sleeper and will still wake up at least once a night. Generally ends up in our bed from 4 am.

He loves music and will dance to the rhythm of it. He will also try and sing with me “twinkle twinkle little star” which sounds like “ta ta ta ta ta ta taaaarrr”. Very cute. :o)

Social skills

Another area of concern. At home he is a little naughty rascal. High in energy and very busy. He loves our company and hates being alone. Only recently did he start going off to his room and spending 5 minutes playing by himself, which we are trying to encourage as he’s always been so clingy.

He loves cuddles, gives kisses. To fall asleep he loves sticking his arm under my sleave and holding me. I don’t know if it’s some desire for “skin to skin” contact or what...

With other adults he’s good too. Especially the ones he knows like his grandmas and his nanny and some of our friends. Also, he seems to be able to warm up quicker to men, than women. He plays well with toys and pretend plays. E.g. he will “talk on the phone” for ages with his “baba” and he will feed his toys, or fly his airplane through air, etc. He will pretend he's a lion...

Outside in the public, supermarkets, restaurants, etc, he does generally well for a toddler. Sometimes gets bored in the supermarket and is a pain as won't sit in the trolley. But if we’re in the company of a larger crowd of people that want to interact with him he will start getting a bit anxious and being really clingy to either myself or DH. As soon as it’s down to just a few people, he’s fine.

Other kids... this is where he really shows anxiety. He doesn’t go to daycare but our nanny takes him to storytime twice a week. At first he didn’t even want to go inside the room (he cried and clung to his nanny’s neck). Now he’s doing a lot better and will listen attentively to the story and watch other kids participate, but he won’t participate (yet... she’s only been taking him there for the last 3 weeks).

He loves the playground but if another kid shows up he will either give up what he was doing and give way, or he will come grab my hand. It’s as if he’s scared of other kids. Also, he’s more scared of younger kids than older ones. It breaks my heart to see other kids not even blink twice and engage in play, while he drags me by the hand and wants me to be there.

A friend has an 18 month old extroverted girl and he really dislikes her as she’s hit him in the head with toys a couple of times and tried to take toys off him a few times, and then tries to grab him which he doesn’t like (he will cry and look at me for help). He will start playing next to her but if she tries grabbing a toy out of his hands he will protest and want me to join in and play (but he won't try and push her or fight for the toy).

Another friend has a 2,5 yr old and it took him about half an hour to warm up, but then they played well together as she was showing him her toys. We've also taken him a few times to see some friends with 2 boys, and he was fine there too. Not really playing with them but watching them, and then repeating what they're doing.

He doesn’t ignore other kids. On the contrary he is very well aware of them. Possibly too aware. He watches them and is trying to work out if it’s “safe” for him. A couple of times he did end up playing “peek-a-boo” with a random kid on the playground and laughing. But he clearly doesn’t like pushy kids.

Sensory (including genetics)

He doesn’t do any of the repetitive stuff. He engages with you well, has eye contact and is aware of his surroundings. Occasionally he will run around like mad and jump on the furniture and not listen... but it’s either when he’s tired or he’s had some sugar. He does love his Thomas the tank engine, and I’ve read somewhere that autistic kids love trains, but then again isn’t this a normal boy thing too? He doesn’t do repetitive movements, etc.

While some other kids will fall and hurt themselves, but get up as if nothing’s happened, DS is sure to cry and to come to us for some comfort. He doesn’t do this anymore but at one point he loved picking at my moles and pimples. When he hurt his head he would constantly pick at the sore. He is not scared of loud noises like vacuum cleaners, etc. But if a lot of people are laughing for example he will start laughing and then crying... as if he’s not sure what the right reaction should be.

So...

Being a paranoid momma I have read a lot about autism (mainly as this is the first thing that comes up when you google "speech delay"), etc, and realise this is a wide spectrum disorder but my gut feeling is telling me it’s not that. Also, none of the people who know him think there’s anything wrong with him. I’ve also read a lot about “introverted” children. He seems to tick quite a few boxes here. For example, introverted children are not great sleepers, and they tend to react to light from when very young (I still remember DS reacting every time sunlight would hit his eyes).

I must also add that, sometimes I know exactly how DS is feeling in social situations. I was a very shy child... the one who could go the whole day without saying anything, out of fear of saying the wrong thing. I’ve always been a thinker and I will say or do something only if I am confident it is the right thing to do/ say. I work as a lawyer, and have heaps of close friends but I’ve always done better in small groups than larger ones. Also, I didn’t start speaking until 2,5 and my brother was 3. I can see a lot of myself in the DS and I guess this frustrates me a bit as I’ve always wanted to be extroverted and envied people who could just strike up a conversation (I'm not saying though that I have a miserable life... on the contrary!).

I am not looking for a diagnosis but just some opinions. Do you think that any of the above warrants evaluation by a professional? We live in NZ and it is difficult to convince a GP here to get a referral just for “the piece of mind”. We do not get appointments with a pedi here unless something is wrong.

We’re thinking of putting DS in kindy few mornings a week in the next few months and are a bit scared of his reaction to that.

[dmpmercury]

Your describing my older dd when she was 22 months to a T if you change the more comfortable with males to female adults. I felt like you were describing a male version of her. She was exactly the same in the areas you highlighted.  She is now 4.5 and still very shy but she doesn't have any diagnosable issues. Once she started talking she talked well but some people still wouldn't believe what her language skills really are in certain situations. I am a worrier too and was a shy child. 

[TuiNZ]

Thank you for your response! It's great to hear from someone on a similar situation.

I am interested to know whether your DD went to preschool and how she coped with that? Also, how fid she cope with a new baby? We have a DS2 due in October.

When did she start talking?

[mamandedeux]

While my DS1 was always ahead verbally, he was, and still is, a very shy child. Preschool and a lot of socializing did help, but he still has social anxiety in new situations. He`s almost 5, and I wouldn't say it poses a problem.

DS2 is also painfully timid, and quite delayed in speech (he only has a few understandable words at 20 months, like bye-bye, there and all done). He's never been an outgoing baby, and I too worry about him. You captured him perfectly in your description. I do think that some kids are simply less verbal than others. I will be getting his hearing checked though, and seek out speech therapy if he doesn't progress.

I think our kiddos will be just fine.

[LynnS6]

I've got a very slow to warm up child who is now 10. (Wow, how did he get to be 10? ) I prefer calling him slow-to-warm-up rather than 'shy' because 'shy' feels like such a permanent label that you can't do anything about. Slow to warm up means that you'll get there eventually. He's also an introvert and so needs downtime.

I also work in child language development. I've read a fair bit on autism because our slow-to-warm-up kid also has sensory issues and wasn't the swiftest to develop social skills. I like to describe him like this: He's not on the autism spectrum, but we can see it from where we are. What this means is that he's got a few behaviors (tics, sensitivities, obsessions) that look like autism, and sometimes techniques that work with kids with autism work well with him (explicit explanation for social expectations). And I like to worry, so I tend to read about everything under the sun to reassure myself.

From what you've written, I'd be mildly worried about his language development.  It sounds, from what you've written that he's got about 15-20 words (for toddlers, you count words, signs, sound effects (moo, wuf, etc.)). That's low for a 22 month old. Not so low that you should freak out, but low enough that it might be time to get his hearing checked and his overall language development assessed. The good news is that for kids who are late talkers, if their comprehension is OK they generally catch up by age 3. But even mild fluid in the ears can really mess with a child's ability to learn language. What I would do is take a week or two and record all the words that you hear him say or signs that he uses. It's possible that he has more words than you think. If you get close to 40 or 50, I wouldn't pursue an evaluation. If you stall under 20, I would.

Several books that have been helpful to me in our journey:

The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron

The Emotional Life of the Toddler -- great chapter on fearful/cautious kids

Sensational Kids -- a really good book if you've got a child with sensory issues

I've read: The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child but didn't like it as much as the Highly Sensitive Child book. But you might find it useful.

I will say that my slow to warm up child really seemed to come into his own about age 8-9. He became much more interested in trying things, doing group activities and interacting with other kids. He's well liked at school in the neighborhood, partly, I think, because he listens when other kids just talk talk talk. He's also got interesting ideas, has learned to stick up for his own needs/wants, and plays well with others. And when he needs a break, he goes off to play Wii by himself. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert who doesn't rush into things. In fact, there are sometimes great advantages to this personality!

[TuiNZ]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

I've got a very slow to warm up child who is now 10. (Wow, how did he get to be 10? ) I prefer calling him slow-to-warm-up rather than 'shy' because 'shy' feels like such a permanent label that you can't do anything about. Slow to warm up means that you'll get there eventually. He's also an introvert and so needs downtime.

I also work in child language development. I've read a fair bit on autism because our slow-to-warm-up kid also has sensory issues and wasn't the swiftest to develop social skills. I like to describe him like this: He's not on the autism spectrum, but we can see it from where we are. What this means is that he's got a few behaviors (tics, sensitivities, obsessions) that look like autism, and sometimes techniques that work with kids with autism work well with him (explicit explanation for social expectations). And I like to worry, so I tend to read about everything under the sun to reassure myself.

From what you've written, I'd be mildly worried about his language development.  It sounds, from what you've written that he's got about 15-20 words (for toddlers, you count words, signs, sound effects (moo, wuf, etc.)). That's low for a 22 month old. Not so low that you should freak out, but low enough that it might be time to get his hearing checked and his overall language development assessed. The good news is that for kids who are late talkers, if their comprehension is OK they generally catch up by age 3. But even mild fluid in the ears can really mess with a child's ability to learn language. What I would do is take a week or two and record all the words that you hear him say or signs that he uses. It's possible that he has more words than you think. If you get close to 40 or 50, I wouldn't pursue an evaluation. If you stall under 20, I would.

Several books that have been helpful to me in our journey:

The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron

The Emotional Life of the Toddler -- great chapter on fearful/cautious kids

Sensational Kids -- a really good book if you've got a child with sensory issues

I've read: The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child but didn't like it as much as the Highly Sensitive Child book. But you might find it useful.

I will say that my slow to warm up child really seemed to come into his own about age 8-9. He became much more interested in trying things, doing group activities and interacting with other kids. He's well liked at school in the neighborhood, partly, I think, because he listens when other kids just talk talk talk. He's also got interesting ideas, has learned to stick up for his own needs/wants, and plays well with others. And when he needs a break, he goes off to play Wii by himself. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert who doesn't rush into things. In fact, there are sometimes great advantages to this personality!

Thank you for your post and the recommended books. I have read the Hidden Gifts on the Introverted Child, and agree it's not the greatest of books but it did give me a lot of insights into my DS's physche. I have also recognised A LOT of myself in that book. It's funny how you say that your DS is liked because he listens. I cannot even count the number of times I've been told I'm such a great listener. My friends like to confide in me. But I'm a female and I don't know how introverted males are perceived in this wold, so it's great to hear that your DS is well liked. I don't know about your DS but, due to my introvertness, I was also the perfect child - I never got into trouble due to my ability to think about the consequences first.

I think your approach with saying your DS is "slow to warm up" is the right one. This is what I normally say to other people and I have asked family members not to use the word "shy" around him.

In terms of language, my DS makes a lot more sounds than I have listed but they're not recognisable words (for example, he will say "papa" for "papucha" which is "slippers" in my language)... I did also omit some words by accident (like "hot"). At his two year appointment, which is not that far off, I will definitely raise it with the doctor and see what they say. My mother is ADAMANT there is nothing wrong with him and that both myself and my brother were delayed talkers... in fact she used to tell people that my brother will be like Mussolini who, aparently, did not start talking until the age of 3, and afterwards he hardly ever stopped. Well she wasn't wrong there! My brother is NOT an introvert and he can talk and talk and talk until your ear falls off. :o)

I never thought that his hearing could be an issue as he understands perfectly well things we say to him, can hear from afar and close by, and never had any ear infections (the times he was sick, his ears were clear). Also, our nanny is saying he's OK as she also looks after a 3 yr old girl who's learning French/English and she only just started to form sentences. The nanny is telling me that our DS is making a lot more sounds than she ever did at that age. She didn't even babble a hell of a lot. Aparently her older sister was the same and when the parents took her for evaluation they were told she's fine (and not she talks normally in both languages).

I guess I am more worried about his "slowness to warm up" to others as I want him to be confident and liked.

I'll check out those other books you recommended.
 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by TuiNZ 

Thank you for your post and the recommended books. I have read the Hidden Gifts on the Introverted Child, and agree it's not the greatest of books but it did give me a lot of insights into my DS's physche. I have also recognised A LOT of myself in that book. It's funny how you say that your DS is liked because he listens. I cannot even count the number of times I've been told I'm such a great listener. My friends like to confide in me. But I'm a female and I don't know how introverted males are perceived in this wold, so it's great to hear that your DS is well liked. I don't know about your DS but, due to my introvertness, I was also the perfect child - I never got into trouble due to my ability to think about the consequences first.

Yep -- it's an asset in many ways.  I joked with ds' teacher this year that I'd like to see him get sent to detention this year for talking too much. She laughed and said "it's not going to happen!" My opinion, unsupported by any data, is that introverted males have an easier time of it because they're not expected to be as social. Ds is actually in a 'golden' place right now because all he wants to do is play sports with other kids. You don't need a lot of conversational skills for that!

Originally Posted by TuiNZ

In terms of language, my DS makes a lot more sounds than I have listed but they're not recognisable words (for example, he will say "papa" for "papucha" which is "slippers" in my language)... I did also omit some words by accident (like "hot"). At his two year appointment, which is not that far off, I will definitely raise it with the doctor and see what they say. My mother is ADAMANT there is nothing wrong with him and that both myself and my brother were delayed talkers... in fact she used to tell people that my brother will be like Mussolini who, aparently, did not start talking until the age of 3, and afterwards he hardly ever stopped. Well she wasn't wrong there! My brother is NOT an introvert and he can talk and talk and talk until your ear falls off. :o)

OK, I'm revising my advice. 'Papa' for 'papucha' is a word.  I suspect he's got a lot of 'words' that you aren't counting because you're being too strict. To be counted as a word by a speech pathologist, it just needs to be a consistent set of sounds with a consistent meaning. The fact that he's learning two languages does also mean that he may take longer to develop in some areas -- he'll catch up eventually, but the milestones are a bit different for a child learning two languages. He's got two sets of sounds, two sets of words, and two grammars to sort out.

My introverted son also had some motor planning and sensory issues (which is why I hang out on the Special Needs board sometimes). His pronunciation was pretty hard to understand by anyone other than me (a linguist mother who specializes in child language). Buffalo was 'bushishi'. Garbage truck was 'gagaga'. He had a ton of words that were 'partial' words - mittens were 'mitt' etc. If I'd waited until he said them well, he wouldn't have had any 'words' until he was 3.

So, before you see your pediatrician (or is it paediatrician in NZ?) write down all of his words and word approximations. Include things like 'papa' any other sounds he's got.

I never thought that his hearing could be an issue as he understands perfectly well things we say to him, can hear from afar and close by, and never had any ear infections (the times he was sick, his ears were clear). Also, our nanny is saying he's OK as she also looks after a 3 yr old girl who's learning French/English and she only just started to form sentences. The nanny is telling me that our DS is making a lot more sounds than she ever did at that age. She didn't even babble a hell of a lot. Apparently her older sister was the same and when the parents took her for evaluation they were told she's fine (and not she talks normally in both languages).

It's usually not, but if  you're worried about his language, then checking his hearing is an obvious first step. Even kids who've never had an infection can have fluid in their ears. And fluid in your ears can sometimes obscure just the sounds in the speech range that are important to learning to speak.

I guess I am more worried about his "slowness to warm up" to others as I want him to be confident and liked.

Don't we all! It turns out that my slow to warm up kid is liked. And you know what? On Sunday, the child who would never join a group as a preschooler, who wouldn't participate in any group activities until he was 8, is going off to camp for 6 days. He's never been away for more than a night. And yet he's excited to go. He's confident and happy. I try to only worry about him once every few weeks.

[Linda on the move]

I would have his hearing checked to be on the safe side. If something minor is going on, like chronic fluid without infections, it can really mess with speech development even though the child can tell what you are saying. (A real hearing check, in a booth with some one who has lots of experience with small children). One of my DDs had so much fluid in her ears that the dr. couldn't see it -- it was like looking into a glass that is full of water but you can't see the top, so you can't tell if the glass is full or empty.

If hearing is fine, then I wouldn't worry about speech for an entire year.

I don't think that 3 weeks is enough time to adjust to story time. It's GREAT that he's going and that he's around other kids. Keep making that happen!  But relax and let him get used to it at his own pace.

Overall, in my very non-professional opinion, he sounds like he's doing really well, he just needs time to get used to things. It also sounds like you have good nanny!

[dmpmercury]

Originally Posted by TuiNZ 

Thank you for your response! It's great to hear from someone on a similar situation.

I am interested to know whether your DD went to preschool and how she coped with that? Also, how fid she cope with a new baby? We have a DS2 due in October.

When did she start talking?

She did go to preschool. The first year was a big class with two teachers. She loved school and enjoyed going but it took her a while to warm up to the teachers and even then only spoke to them a little. It took her the whole school year to play with other kids. Her second year was a smaller class and she did better and talked about the kids by name and what they did. It took her a while to warm up at this school too and she still didn't hold on full conversations too often like she is capable of she just gave short answers a lot. Her teachers were not worried about her but I do worry down the line about making friends and letting the teachers know what she is capable of. I worry she may get targeted or bullied because of her nature. 

She did great with a baby.She did want extra attention but she loved her brother and used to ask if ds could come too when we went out. Her language explosion came right a little after her 2nd birthday and she started adding lots of words and then put 2-3 words together and then progressed to sentences really fast. Shorty after 2 she was speaking in complex sentences but some people probably didn't believe me. 
 

[TuiNZ]

Thank you all for your replies and recommendations!

Well after spending this past weekend with DS all my worries have disappeared. He seemed like a different kid, and I don't know if it's just him growing up a little or spending time at Storytime. We went to a 2nd birthday party in the weekend for someone from our anti-natal group. It was at a hired venue for kids, absolutely PACKED, and he LOVED it. I honestly didn't know where he was half of the time. He enjoyed the slides, playhouses, cars, trucks, and didn't mind at all being around other kids (he came to me crying only once when an older kid pushed him out of the playhouse). Then on Sunday we went to visit my friend with the 18 month old again and they actually played together. They were passing toys back and forth, before we went home they started to jump on the couch and laugh like crazy, and as we left he gave her a kiss!!! It was one of those kodak moments!

At the birthday party I met another woman with a boy who was born 4 days before DS and we spoke about their language skills. Her DS is at the same level as mine. This is not to say that I won't do anything about it if he doesn't progress in the next couple of months. But for now I might just leave it alone and enjoy spending time with him, rather than endlessly worrying. :o)

[TuiNZ]

I feel like I should provide an update to this post, as when I google and come across posts like these I often wonder "so what happened? were they OK?", etc.

DS is 25 months old now and WOW... has his language exploded or what?! I really found it hard to believe when I was reading other people saying their toddler's language exploded after 2, but yes, it's happened. He picks up new words every day, in all three languages (although he mixes them for now) and puts simple 2-3 word sentences together. Still babbles a lot but now you can actually pick out what he's saying as there are words in there. It's taught us to be more careful as to what we say too as a couple of times, accidentally we had a slip with an F word and DS would go around saying "f* f* f*... we choose the "ignore it" tactic for now.

As far as his social skills go, he's heaps better now and does well in small groups. He does OK in big groups too as long as he doesn't have to participate in singing and dancing with everyone else. He will sit and watch, sometimes he will decide to clap, stomp, dance with everyone else... he will cautiously push himself among the kids to get his stamp, but he's definitely not one of those boysterous kids who push their way through no matter what, and are happily extroverted. Even when he doesn't seem to be participating, he learns everything and then performs for us at home. It's cute.

Anyway... just wanted to tell other worried mommas out there that just because their LO doesn't start speaking at 18 months and is not an extrovert, doesn't mean they're not developing right. :)