How do I get over this?

[lovelylisa]

Maybe this post doesn't belong here, sorry.

Edited by lovelylisa - 6/26/11 at 6:09pm

[SympatheticDad]

It's been three days and nobody has responded to your post.  So I registered an account to give you my opinion.

First off, I'm not a mom, and I'm not a woman.  I'm a dad.  So my perspective is no doubt incomplete.  

I think it's OK to feel disappointed that things didn't go the way you envisioned them, but some outside perspective might be valuable here.  Historically, childbirth has been an inherently dangerous activity.  Even today, as we speak, there are countless people who can't conceive a child.  Even today, as we speak, there are countless parents whose children die during childbirth.  So the first perspective I'll suggest is finding the stories of parents who lost their children during childbirth.  Because that will put your own loss in perspective: you lost your dream of the perfect natural birth, but you gained a healthy child.  Which is something to be profoundly thankful for.

Second, I think that there is a fantasy that all of us, men and women, have that our health is something that we should be "in control" of.  Some things we can control, but lots of things we can't.  Thinking positive thoughts won't cure cancer.  So I think somewhere in your head is the homunculus that lives in a lot of our heads, and it's telling you that if you had been stronger/wiser/whatever you would have been able to will-to-power your way to a perfect natural childbirth.  I am here to tell you that that voice in your head is a dirty liar.  Sometimes, your health isn't a car that you can steer; sometimes it's a train.  Sometimes, the right decision is to just hang on to that train and go where it takes you.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Tell that voice in your head to go jump in a lake.

Now go kiss your baby.  You did great, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Good luck.

Edited by SympatheticDad - 6/26/11 at 4:33pm

[lovelylisa]

Thanks for your kind words  and thank you for responding, I appreciate it.

[Zimbah]

Hi Lisa, I'd read your thread but I can't remember exactly what was in it, sorry. From what I can recall, I ttink it did belong in this forum (birth didn't go how you had hoped and you are feeling upset about it?).

Just some generic thoughts which may or may not apply to you,this is just based on my perspective as someone who had a reluctantly accepted ELCS with DD1 (breech) and recently a successful VBAC with DD2 that went really well in many respects but ended unpleasantly with a 3rd degree tear.  I think many women set a lot of store by how they think labour should go and how their bodies should respond,and carry a lot of guilt and hurt if they don't fulfill their expectations.  I know my feelings about both of my births are not necessarily rational and aren't easy to explain,but relate partly to feeling that I'ma "proper woman" (e.g. giving birth by CS, in my head, meant that I had missed out on the "proper woman" part that I should have done.  Subsequent VBAC has erased that but I am now beating myself up for not "performing" perfectly.  I even feel bad that I made a lot of noise but I am gradually talking myself out of that)

Anyway I won't waffle on any more as I might be totally barking up the wrong tree, but I didn't want you to feel that your post was in the wrong place as I don't think it was.  I don't think this section gets a lot of traffic, if you look at when people respond it often takes a long time.  Might be worth posting it again?