How to you help your children heal from your mistakes?

[bright_eyes]

How do you help your kids heal from times when you lose it and act horribly with your kids?  Lately ds(5) has been really mean to his brother (21 months) and I've been really struggling to control myself when this occurs.  I've screamed, gotten mad, thrown him in the bedroom, onto his bed, and today when he hit his brother with a soft toy, I took the toy, and smacked him back hard with it.  Please know that I try to be gentle and have read so many parenting books and my ideal is to be no where like how I have been behaving.  But lately I just explode.  Like today when I hit him, it was completely reactionary- I just did it without thinking and then felt horrible afterward. 

I just feel like ds is constantly hearing me apologize to him.  I am forever making mistakes with him.  Sometimes I just don't know if my sorries are enough.  Perhaps some of his behaviors are stemming from unhealed hurts.  I just don't know how to make things better and how to stop myself from losing it and acting so horribly.

What do you do when you have completely lost it and behaved in very unacceptable ways?  How do you help your child heal and move on from it?

[A&A]

May I suggest two books to read:  Unconditional Parenting and The Conscious Parent

[cyclamen]

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, and as coming from someone who struggles with anger myself.... are you in any sort of counseling to help you?  Perhaps you are stretched thin in your personal resources, or perhaps you have your own unhealed hurts that are causing you to feel "out of control."  Sometimes we need outside help. 

In the end, I think the best way to help children our heal is to become that safe person.  To heal ourselves, I think.  Then there is a space for our children to heal as well. 

I don't mean that you have to become perfect - obviously none of us are - but if you feel that you are behaving in an unacceptable way repeatedly... I would seek some sort of professional help.  I have found a counselor who emphasizes the body and mind connection, as well as grace and acceptance rather than strife with myself, I guess you would call it, and I've found that approach to be more helpful to me that some others.

 I've also learned that my anger is always going to be a part of me, but also that I need to "train" it, to listen to it, to love it, and to gentle it.  This has been most important to me.  Rather than fighting my anger and hating myself for having it (somehow that fight with myself always just makes it worse), when I start to feel upset, I slow down and pay attention to what my body is doing.  Is my heart beating fast?  Is my breath short?  Do I feel myself getting shaky or warm?  And I try to remember that my anger is like an old camp dog that has seen alot of dangers... now he is barking trying to warn me.  But is there really a danger?  And if there is, what is the right thing to do?  I have learned that when I begin to feel "out of control" it is because I feel like my boundaries are being crossed.  Sometimes they are.  Sometimes they are not.  Then I think about what I can do (not what I can make others do) to fortify my boundaries and take care of myself.  I think about what I am able to be responsible for and able to affect, and what I can and cannot control.

Another thing that helps me in a moment is to go someplace by myself and shake myself all over.  Very silly, almost, but to discharge my tension it works.  And to make a lion face and make a loud lion breath.

I struggle with a lot of fears about making mistakes with my DD.  My mom had a lot of explosive anger and was always apologizing for hurting me and my brother.  I always believed her... always loved her.  But now that I am an adult, when she explodes (and she still does)... I believe her a little less when she says she is sorry.  Even though I know that she is very sorry, and that she really didn't mean to hurt me and that she tries very much not to, but somehow can't seem to help herself.  So when I make a mistake with my DD, I get frightened that I might end up to be doing the same thing to her.  That's why I looked for someone to help me.  Because I was trying on my own, and I was starting to see myself repeating a pattern.  Now with work, I feel that I am breaking that pattern.  But I don't know the future.  I guess that it will always be work I have to do.  I don't know what else to say about that except that we have to do our best and hope that it is good enough.  I want to be part of that safe space for my daughter, not the one who hurts her, and I am sure you feel the same way about your son.

I would also like to suggest the book Whole Child/Whole Parent by Polly Berrien Berends.  This book really helped me when I was in a crisis moment.

Edited by cyclamen - 6/24/11 at 8:05pm

[thinkingmom]

I found this post because I was searching for mother "anger" since I have the same issues myself.  Of course at first I was scared at my strong feelings and how I felt out of control in my reactions with my kids.  But after doing a lot of thinking about this, and talking with my friend who is having the same problems as you described, (where we both have the "ideal" and have read tons of parenting books and in general aim for being ap and gentle discipline, etc... yet still find ourself angry and out of control) we realized that one important aspect is missing that might be the real cause of this all.  We feel like what is missing is other people and community. We both have younger children and often we feel like it is because we do not have enough hands that we get so angry.  If only someone else was there with us, then we wouldn't even find ourselves in these situations we are in.  We live in Texas, don't know about you, and started a big tent group to discuss people who feel like they are not able to be the parent they want because they lack others.  Ultimately, since we are alone at home with kids most of the say, then of course I am having to find ways to manage my anger and better ways to behave.  I certainly send you my sympathy, I think lots of moms are going through this angry stuff, specifically attached parents because we are trying so hard to be good to our kids.  Anyway, if you want you can check out the group on big tent.  The group is called "Prelude to Community"

And to answer your questions:  When I really lose it, the first thing I have to do is try to control myself, and that is hard, but either once I have or once the damage is done, then I calm down.  I used to cry in a room by myself away from the kids because I felt so bad.  Now I am better at immediately catching myself, for exmaple - son hits his sister, and maybe i lost it and picked him up and roughly moved him away from her - I will now immediately take a breath, tell him, "let me start over" then i will calmly say, "I know you were upset about something, but hitting your sister is not acceptable.  if she is bothering you you can let me know so that i can help, or you can walk away or something else, etc... Every situation is different, but I do now say I am sorry immediately for what I do wrong, explain that I lost it and that I do not want to lose it and that I am working on that, and then calmly try again to say the response that I wanted to say in the first place.  

Often though, its better for me to just think before the issues happen of trying to prevent problems before they start.  Good luck with your situation, I hope you are able to get some support and peace and feel free to pm me if you want to talk more.  I offer myself as a friend since I often feel that there aren't people to talk to.  When I tried to talk to a woman at church, she said I should get checked for postpartum depression.  I do feel like I know for a fact that what I am going through and what many moms go through is "normal" in that the soluation doesn't need drugs or some professional to tell us we are ok - we need real solutions, like other people, people who love you and see you often, real friends (more like family).  I am tired, so I am sure I am not describing this well, but I will include this link to an article that describes what I am talking about much better:

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/finding-your-tribe.html

[meemee]

Originally Posted by bright_eyes 
.  But lately I just explode. 

what have you been doing lately for yourself? are you stressed about certain things - like mney or anything else that's quite big?

5 is a real hard age for parents and children. perhaps this book will help you to figure out why ur son is behaving the way he is and that might cue you in of what to use.

your 5 year old by Louise M Bates. 

are you taking care of some of your needs?
 

[D_McG]

I just try to learn from my mistakes (my biggest most basic mistake has been not taking enough time to myself.  I feel it's the route of most of my bad parenting) and we move on.  People are very resilient and I figure we'll all be OK.

Things that have made a huge, positive impact on everyone here and lessened the angry outbursts.

 - me getting a PT job (literally like 4 hours a week, retail)

 - dropping them at gym daycare when I can (used to be daily, now I have a baby so not anymore).  Exercise was wonderful for my mind.

 - me getting out a night or more a month with friends

- me getting out alone about once a week at night (like I go to Target with the baby)

- enough sleep for everyone (crucial)

 - a tight schedule for us with strict rules and consequences (this makes everyone more secure and less likely to fly off the handle)

Some of that has surprised me.  I didn't realize that I needed some of it.  

I used to hate that phrase "happy mom, happy kids" but I've had to conclude that it's true for us. 

More to come in time, I'm sure :)

[Mittsy]

I struggle with anger too, I feel for you! I would suggest daily meditation, being mindful of your emotions at all times, using nvc, being honest and accepting with your kids and yourself when you get upset, and get alone time for yourself on a regular basis; all that for prevention. When you feel yourself getting heated put yourself in a time-in until you can reconnect with your feelings/needs in a rational way, for me it helps to go outside and meditate.

I am looking for counselors but the search thus far is fruitless, but I do also recommend seeing if your reiki practitioner offers metamorphisis. It really helped me deal with some past, and present issues and has made me feel much calmer!

[Imakcerka]

Oh how I understand!   My oldest is my target, she does things that drive me batty.  I have a no spanking policy but that didn't mean I didn't push her away and yell at her for the things she did.  Screaming at her relieved my stress but it caused her anxiety.  What I had to do was tell her I was wrong and that it's not okay for me to treat her that way.  I get stopped dead in my tracks when she  points this out.  " MOM you're being mean"  That one does it.  Some people might get angry from being told this but I know I have problems and I'm taking the time to deal with them.  I want to deserve my kids.  I have sought help. 

[gcgirl]

I've read all the unconditional parenting and gentle discipline books, and I *still* get explosive. What helped me most was learning about parent-child interactions from the Mary Sheedy Kurcinka books, particularly Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. I've known my temperament and personality-type for a long time, but reading her descriptions and SPECIFIC actions I can take to communicate with my kids has really helped. 

One of the greatest disappointments of my parenting career has been finding out that I am a LOT more like my dad than I ever wanted to be. The Kurcinka books are helping me understand what I need to do as a parent, both for myself and my kids. Highly recommended!

Also, it's really important, as some of the other posters mentioned, to BACK OFF and let out your tension before it explodes. I'm not perfect at this yet, but I'm a lot better. It's tough. But you can do it!

ETA: In re: your question - how do you heal - I don't know that it helps, but whenever I've wronged DS1 (usually shouting and slamming things around), I take five minutes to collect myself, then I sit with him and explain that what I did was wrong, and why, and we have a discussion about what I could do differently the next time. He's only 3.5, so it's limited, but I want him to feel like he has a say in how he is  treated, and also give him the opportunity to express his feelings about what happened - anger, frustration, etc. But long-term the only thing that makes it better is to change YOURSELF. I know, I know. But it's true.

[aparent]

   Anger is natural and a part of life when one's

boundaries are crossed or perhaps crushed

in the case of seeing one of your children hit

by anyone.  As you say in one case you

reacted without even thinking as I think mothers

of all species react, not sit and meditate before

acting, when their young are threatened. I'm

suggesting you go easy on yourself. Controlling

yourself when your kids are being hit isn't going

to be easy.

   Your children have already healed.  You

made mistakes and should forgive yourself.

   I would stop apologizing and do this. Did you

read Runaway Bunny to your children? If you have,

tell the 5 year old boy a story a bit like Runaway

Bunny which might act as something of a apology

and sound something like this: 

   "You are my son and the best thing in the world

and when somebody tries to hit you or hits you, I

turn into a tigress and chase them away" and maybe

growl at an imaginary threat (or stuffy) to allude a bit

to the anger he's seen in you.

   "You are my son and the heart of my heart and when

somebody speaks meanly to you, I turn into a hurricane

[unless he lives where hurricane's are a threat] and blow 

the mean thing/person away" and maybe blow strongly

(angrily) at something.

   "You are my son and it's my purpose to protect you

and if a zillion goblins came after you, I would turn into

a sorceress and turn them into a treat" and then give

him that treat.

   With maybe some instances letting him figure out that

you would do the same for his little brother. And if he even

vaguely ever looks like he's acting to protect his little brother

then he and you are tigers together and maybe growl together

protecting his little brother.

   Also, maybe assuming a head of time that he's going to hit

or do something that will anger you will help you be ready to

do what you think would be best.

“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person

at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within

everyone's power and that is not easy.”  ~ Aristotle

[FarmerBeth]

The toughest time I had with anger as a mother was (ironically) when I was working as a family support worker.  Like you, it was usually when my oldest was hurting my then-youngest (she became a middle) and to add to the difficulties, he didn't seem to react to any of the discipline methods that had worked for me professionally, it was as if he didn't know I was upset with his behavior unless I really did blow a lid.  I didn't realize it at the time, but he had special needs affecting his ability to read my upset. I ended up using some advice I had given the parents I worked with - I used a parental time out.  I made sure the kids were safe, and I told them that I was feeling very angry and I needed to give myself a time out before I got myself in trouble.  Then I'd go in the next room, have a cup of tea, pace, whatever it took.  I also started working on finding something to help me relax once the kids were in bed (yoga and knitting worked for me, but it could be whatever).  And asking my husband for some help with the kids when he was able helped, too.

[contactmaya]

Hi, i also think the siblings issue is a case all  of its own, and particularly challenging, when you have an older one hurting the younger one. Your anger and reactions are human. While i agree that therapy is a nice option if you have it (i would love to sit and talk about myself for an hour a week, and believe everyone benefits from self work), it doesnt mean you  are out of the ordinary. You are human  having human reactions to a very trying situation.

The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for not being perfect, and proceed to work on solutions to make it better next time. That is exactly what you are doing by posting here.

I like Farmerbeths solutions for  parental timeout, and warning the children  that you are very angry and need to take yourself away for a few minutes. Telling them you dont want to be the parent who shouts and hurts their kids because you love them. Letting them know that violence and belittling is not ok.

Taking deep breaths.

Dealing in more depth with the situation after  it has happened, when everyone is calm. Asking the cuplrit why he is feeling so frustrated he needs to use violence,  how  he is feeling, and what he can do next time instead of hitting his sibling. Asking the same thing of the younger one, what did he do to make his  brother so angry? (even if he isnt very verbal), how he felt when he was hit, and how hitting is a terrible thing and noone deserves to be hit. Brainstorming. It may not work straight  away, but it will work eventually in teaching that violence is not ok, and also teach the value of searching for solutions when challenges arise.

You said you apologize after your outbursts. I believe this is a good thing. You are letting your children know you are  human,  but what you did was wrong, and you are truly sorry. This is healing for them. This is also teaching them to apologize, and to forgive themselves when they make mistakes. I believe that a heartfelt apology is healing and not superfluous.

Knowing that this too shall pass.

I dont know, being a parent can be very challenging.  Being human, making mistakes, is part of the territory. If you cant forgive yourself, then how can you forgive your kids?

Spending time alone with the older sibling is also very healing for them. Younger siblings can be very annoying. My ds1 was an angel, until his brother was born, and he has done his far share of hitting since, especially now that ds2 is 3. But other times they are such good friends.

The book 'Siblings Without Rivalry'  is useful for sibling issues. You may have already mentioned you read it....

[kayleesmom]

hugs i have these issues glad i am not alone