Thank you both for responding! I did make it through Christmas, but just, just barely. It was awful. I drank a glass of wine to put myself to sleep to stop thinking about wanting to purge!
I made it my 2012 resolution to not throw up. I broke it, but I lasted 12 days, and I still have only thrown up once. So I guess once in 20 days is a lot better than where I was 2 months ago, purging everything.
Carfreemama, I think your point about no food restrictions is really, really good. My SIL suggested I look at my food lifestyle as more of an 80/20 thing. Since I prefer a vegan lifestyle, she says I should eat in a vegan way 80 percent of the time and whatever I want, no strings attached, the other 20 percent. Which honestly makes really good sense to me, it's just that I don't seem capable of that kind of rational moderation when it comes to food.
When I'm more focused on my running, I do better. Like right now, I'm in a good swing training for a marathon and each hard run accomplished feels good and the food doesn't feel so offensive because I know my body is working at a higher rate. I've actually gained 2 lbs (115 now) but I look fine, and I feel okay, at least much better than I did before. I'm finally sleeping again.
I still think about food a lot more than I would suspect is typical of a person without bulimia. Do you think about food all the time? When I'm grocery shopping, I feel like I could go home and eat one of everything I just bought! I'm a pretty good cook, and when I'm cooking I'm already thinking about what I could make for the next meal, snack, dessert, whatever. Supposedly, plant-based diets aren't supposed to be addicting the way carb and protein, fatty meat diets are. So.. how come I could eat a whole field of strawberries by myself in like an hour?
I have been reading a book lately called Mom Energy (because I've been feeling so drained from recovering from this horrible "bender" I was on, so to speak)! It's really pretty excellent breaking down the exact ways our body uses nutrition and sleep and etc. When I think about things that way, I do really well. Like my body is a machine and I have to give it the right tune ups to work, so I can be a good mom and wife and runner like I want. And for awhile I do good. So much so that physicals show I am in perfect health (aside from some throat scarring) and my vitamin/mineral levels are very healthy. So then why does it always come back around to the bad eventually?
One of the hardest things to face is the mirror. When I'm in a downward spiral, I have really bad dark circles under my eyes. I mean, I know all moms have dark circles to some extent, from the stress and lack of sleep! But I'm 22, and I sometimes find they're practically black. They've gotten better here in the last 2 weeks or so and that makes me feel more encouraged.
So far I'm back to most normal foods except I still can't eat any pasta or bread because it just feels like it never leaves my stomach and makes me totally sick.
One of the toughest things for me is that like, bulimia is this one thing makes everyone assume you are insane. Alcoholic? That's OK, I'll take you to AA, you'll get better sweetie. Drugs, mental illnesses, almost anything can be accepted with an offer of support. But people think bulimia is just this shallow, easily controllable, stupid thing that girls do because it's fun? The way people around me talk about it (obviously unaware I have this problem) is so insulting and depressing. I don't fight with this because it's a good time! And I'm really not crazy, at least other facets of my life. I'm just glad my DH has been willing to be a listening shoulder without making me feel like I'm nuts. I dunno if I could have turned around this time without him.