I Feel So Trapped & Unhappy With My Life- need advice/support please

[HuntressMother]

Hello everyone. First of all,i want to apologize for how long this post is. I have alot of 'issues' right now and I have no one to talk too. My husband is a great guy, but never knows what to say & my parents arent even an option. I dont have many close friends that I can talk with that will listen without judging me- so i came to you guys. I feel very hopless, loss, alone & trapped & I dont know what to do anymore. I need support and advice before I throw my hands up and run away from it all.

First, i should start by telling you all that I am a young mom ( 23 ) of 2 kids ( 2 & 5 ). I became pregnant with my daughter when i was only 16 to escape an abusive stepfather at home. I tried running away, telling school counslers & friends parents, but nothing worked. So, my then boyfriend and I decided that we where ' in love ' and that the best thing to do was to get pregnant so that we could get married & i could come live with him. So, i dropped out of high school and did just that.

Of course, this was a VERY stupid choice to make, but i went through with it anyways. I knew that I wasnt ready for a baby of my own nor did i want a child of my own at that time- i wasnt even sure if i EVER wanted kids of my own after helping my mom practicaly raise my 3 neices. I quickly discoverd that this was a mistake, but by that time I felt that there was nothing I could do but ' bite the bullet ' and live with it- after all, anything was better that dealing with my stepdads abuse.

So, i gave birth ( i was 17 now ) to a beautiful baby girl and all was well for awhile. I had alot of help from my exhusbands parents at the time ( we where living at home with them ) and it made my role of new young mom alot easier. This was a blessing. Around the time my daughter was almost 1, my then husband joined the Army and we where relocated to CA. I live in GA, so this was ALL the way across the country away from my family. I was sacred- i didint even know how to drive yet! But- I made the move and was excited about finally having my own home.

After about another year and a half, my then husband became quite abusive to me also & was placed in a mental insituation for alot of serious disorders. We both decided that we when not happy, and a divorce was the best thing to do. There was no fighting over what went to whom- it was quite peaceful. We went our seperate ways and I moved back home with my ex-inlaws until I could find a job. I did so quickly & moved out with my daughter.

About 9 months after my divorce, i started dating a high-school sweetheart of mine & was very happy. He got along with my daughter & the 2 of them became fast friends. We soon moved in together & became engaged. I was thrilled. Until about 4 months later, when I found out that i was pregnant. I explained to my fiance that I wasnt ready for another baby and had too much on my plate right now. He agreed and I made an appointment to have an abortion. The day before my appointment, the 2 of us has been arguing about something and he confessed that he didnt want me to have an abortion & if i did, he wanted nothing to do with me. I was angry and confused. I didnt know what to do- I didnt want to lose him & put my daughter through seperation all over again but I knew in my heart, that having a baby wasnt the right choice for me. I tried to explain this to him, but he wouldnt hear of it.

So, i finally decided to 'suck it up' and have the baby. I told myself ' ive done this once, i can do this again'. In a effort to make the best out of the situation, i went for un unassisted birth and learned as much as i could. I became excited about the birth- but fearfull & a bit resentful of motherhood. I would ignore my fear and hold it inside. I would distract myself with something.

I gave birth to a big beautiful baby boy. No, this isnt what I wanted but I set out to be the best mom possible ( in my eyes ) : Breastfeeding, cosleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, no vaxing, no circing so on and so forth. It was an amazing expeirence for awhile. Then when my som became colicky and cried constantly, it was almost too much for me to handle. I mean he cried ALL THE TIME and it was horrible. Luckily, the grandmas would keep him for me on the weekends every now and then for a break- this helped, but not enough. I wanted to run,but i loved my so too much. The stress became so much that I sent my daughter to live with her Grandparents- i simply cannot handle both kids, it breaks my heart, but it is true. My daughter has lived with her GPs since my son was born..and hes over 2 years old now. She stays with me every other week and sometimes longer, but not most of the time.

She was diagnosed with ADHD & SPD. She became very difficult to handle a few months before i became pregnant with my son- she was TOO much to handle for almost everyone. She would take turns staying with her dad for a bit, and both GPs and her aunt- everyone had to have breaks from her. Luckily, she outgrown much of that and her meds have helped her- but i stil cannot tolerate her for long periods of time without having a mental break down.

Recently, i have been through ALOT- my husband lost his job ( he still dosent have one ), we almost lost our house, I found out that I was hypoglycemic, my father had to have surgury, our AC broke down and we where in 102 degree temp for 2 days.. and my 2 year old has turned into a little monsted. He stomps on out kitten and laughs at her pain, he hits and says he hates you, he wont listen to ANYTHING we say. Consequences dont effect him AT ALL: we've tried time out, spanking ( last resort ) , taking away him toys and activites and many other things to no avail.  I love him, but hes horrible and I cant stand to be around him. I try to love him and show him affection to comfort his anger, but it dosent work. I understand that alot of it could be 'terrible 2' s but im telling you- alot isnt.

Ladies, i feel like a HORRIBLE mother and person. I hate admiting that I cant handel it. I feel so worthless and hopeless and I hate saying that I cant handle it anymore- but i just dont have it in me. His GM kept him last night to give us a break and when he came home today i wanted to cry- he was horrible. I just wanted her to keep him.

I feel so trapped. I never got to have a child hood or go back to school or have my own car- ever. Even as a child, my parents when through a very ugly divorce and I went through horrible, scarring trauma- i never had a childhood & freedom. I understand most of this is MY FAULT- i made the choice to get pregnant/stay pregnant- but I am not happy!

These feeling of being trapped and unhappy have been building since my son was born. He is a very smart little boy, above average even. He knows over 50 sign laungage signs, can count almost to 20 in spanish, knows 50 or more spanish phrases, can count up tp 20 in english, speaks in long sentences with correct grammer and knows alot about geography & music- and I taught him all of this myself. Now, i cant even get motivated to potty train him or take him outside to play, my fiance does all of that and then complains to me, after we've put him to bed, about how difficult and annoying he can be & how hateful he is becoming. I feel horrible....  I mean, this is my little boy, whos sweet little eyes looked up from my breast to find mine & smile, spilling milk from the corners of his mouth. Why do i feel like i can no longer handle this? Why does it feel, honestly, so unhealthy for me to stay?

I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone with noone to talk to that will listen or understand. I dont blame you if you think im a bad person-  i feel like one. 

I hold having this child against my fiance as well because he asked me to do have him & ignored my feelings even though he had never raised a child before, and I had- and now he just dont seem to understand why i feell this way. It feels very unfair. When he has a job, i use to be almost jelous of him because he didt have to stay here with the kids all day and I did. after my sone was born and he cried all of the time, my fiance admitted that we should have listened to me & that we shouldnt have had the baby. This pissed me off so so very much. You can understand why, im sure.

I dont feel like this is healthy for me and I know that I cant be a good mom for my kids when I feel like this- but, i dont know what to do ladies, i am lost and hurting badly tonight.

If you have any advice, i would love to hear it. I really need it right now.

Thanks is advance.

Edited by HuntressMother - 6/26/11 at 7:38pm

[DariusMom]

 I read through your whole post and couldn't not post something.

My heart goes out to you and I have no negative judgment at all about you or your situation! You sound like you're trying so hard and that things are very very difficult right now.

I hope lots of other mamas with great advice and BTDT experiences will chime in.

My only advice would be to have yourself evaluated for depression. You do sound depressed and things can seem so much worse when filtered through the lens of depression.

Hang in there.

[A&A]

Deep breaths, mama!  You've been through a lot.  You're doing the best you can with the situation at hand.  I applaud you for that.  Keep telling yourself to take it one day at a time.  You've made a lot of smart choices (breastfeeding, no circing, etc.)  Be proud of yourself for that.  Life gets easier as your kids get older.  Perhaps check with a doctor about getting your thyroid checked--low thyroid is a common reason for no energy/depression. 

[Linda on the move]

Do you have insurance? You sound depressed to me, clinically depressed. And there is HELP for it, good help. I agree with the previous poster about getting some basic blood work done to rule out a medical cause for your feelings, such a thyroid problems, but also recommend getting into talk counseling and may be on some anti-depressants. Soooooo much has happened in your short life and you haven't had a way or chance to process it all. Having a regular appointment once week to just talk through everything with someone trained in listening and helping you through all this could help a GREAT deal (I've been there). In most cities, there are places with sliding scales or ways to get these services through the state if you cannot afford them.

When we are down for a long time, it effects our brain chemistry, which is part of the reason it is difficult to turn it around. Taking med for a few months can help flip our brain chemistry around so that we can make the changes in our life to be happier. For me, getting out of the hole took a combination of meds and talking, and then making changes in my life. But I didn't have the energy to make the changes in my life until I did the meds and talking.

There ARE things that make it easier to stay happy, such as exercise and keeping a gratitude journal, but when I felt the way that you do now, it took more to get me kick started. There ARE possibilities for your life, such as getting a job, gaining new skills, may be even going back to school. You have a future. You really do. 

[HuntressMother]

Thank you very much for your reply. I really do feel like a talking to a therapist ( someone who will actually talk back ) would help me. I know that I am most likley suffering from aleast SOME depression- despression has always been very common for me and I have suffered with it since middle school.

I just feel like i have so very much that I need to talk with someone about. I guess im not really sure how to deal with my emotions. Im sure alot of that steems from events that happened to me as a child, which taught we negative ways to deal with my feelings. Like you said, alot has happened to me. I feel very aged and unhealthy on the inside. its a bad feeling, very bad.

I just really really need help- and a break I dont know how to take this ' BREAK' but i need it & i know that it not healthy for me to be around my children right now. I feel that I have much healing to do. No, i dont have insurance but Im going to start looking for a therapist in my area that can work with me. I live in a small town, so i really hope i find one.

Thanks again for your reply, you have no idea how much that means to me and how much your words help. Thank you from my heart.

[HuntressMother]

Thanks for you reply.  Yes, i have had my thyroid checked rather recently and they found nothing to be wrong. Myself & my husband believe that we're suffering from  ADRENAL FATIGUE. We have been taking vitamens and eating much better. Its worked for him, atleast.

When things become hard for me, i try to remind myself that my life will get easier as my children grow. I try to be grateful for who they are & remind myself that one day they will be adults, and I will miss little things like changing their diapers or having them curled up in the bed with me. I just cant seem to cope with much stress. i get migranes so bad that they make me throw up, from the sound of my kids playing. I have been taking anxiety meds a few months, and they seem to help sometimes, but not when im dealing with my children.

I myself have been diagnosed with OCD and possible AS with SP symptoms, like my daughter. I wonder if that has much to do with my coping skills?

And i still dont feel stable enough for my daughter to move back in- even though she really wants to, i simply cant deal with it. I guess thast the part that hurts me the most is to be honest about that.

[Linda on the move]

Another thing that helped me are the writings of Louise Hay. She has several videos on You Tube. here is one to get you started.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxKUAjsxSk8&feature=related

(My kids are teens and I don't miss the dirty diapers. , but I do miss the little hugs with dirty hands and the funny things they said)

[HuntressMother]

I cant thank you enough for posting that link for me. It is beautiful! Thank you thank you thank you- this will help.

[hcskj4]

Young lady...you have been through way more than any person should have to in such a short time frame.  I came from a sexually abusive step-father so I understand your pain and wanting to get out.  Lucky for me my mom found out and took action and got me out of the situation fast.  I was only 10.  No help from a boyfriend for me.  I am now 45.

Therapy and meds for now.  That's what you need.  Look into programs through your city, town, state to help you with the kids.  There are programs to take them to during the day for schooling and therapy for them.  Will also give you a break during the day to have some YOU time.

Having a baby NEVER solves a bad situation...it only makes it worse. 

I suffered from post-pardom after my daughter was born (now 15).  When I had my son 5.5 years later I didn't have it but my relationship with my husband changed so much after they were born that I went into a deep depression. I finally accepted my doctors recommendation to try medication.  It has helped a lot.  Part of my problem started when my daughter was born.  All the attention I used to get from my husband went to her.  She was a colicky I was sleep deprived something terrible.  She would sleep only for about an hour at a time.  She never slept through the night until she was 4 1/2. I was scared to death to have another in fear it would be the same way.  Thank goodness my son was not like that.  I have a much stronger bond with him than I ever had with my daughter.  To this day I have a hard time showing her how much I really do love her. 

Enough of me...

I feel your pain. Do anything you can to get help for yourself and your kids.  Don't let this fester any longer.  You deserve to be happy and so do your kids.

You're not a horrible mom...you are a typical mom with no one to talk too.  But never give up....you have us out here cheering you on!

I love you and I don't even know you!

[HuntressMother]

I cant begin to tell you how very much your post touched my heart. Thank you for sharing with me. I can feel the love & understanding vibrate from your words and its very very healing. That is what i need so very much, Thank you.

My mother knew about my step fathers abuse- both verbal and physical. She  seen and heard it many times and was a vitctim of it herself- but she loved him more than she loved me and kept me in that situation. Shes still with him today. Once, he punched me in the face and busted my ear drum. I went to the doctor and he asked what happened and my mother covered for him- saying that my ruptured ear drum was the result of an accident when my brother and I was playing together. She always coverd for him, and she still does. She eventually talked him into getting help for his anger after I had already moved away. He was abused by his father as a child and was made to live on his on at the age of 14, he had a very hard life & i did feel sorry for him, but not enough to justify how he treated me. Living there, in that house- shaking with fear from hearing him truck pull up or his footsteps coming down the hall way was hell. I still have alot of unresolved anger about that. It was horrible & haunts me still.

Yes, i am going to search for a therapist in my area and being talking about EVERYTHING with him/her and find meds that work for me. Your post has giving me much hope and has truly filled my heart with joy and love between sisters- thank you!

Our stories are very similar: I do dont feel as close to my daughter as i do my son. Even though my son was a very very difficult baby- i bonded with him. I felt that this was due to my matured age and understanding of birth and mothering. I love my daughter very much, but it is very complicated, as im sure you understand. I never felt like i truly bonded with her as mother and child. Maybe thats why I can live with myself knowing that she lives with her GPs. Shes pretty happy there- their house has always been home to her and she does well there. She tells me that she wants to come live with me, but I dont know how to explain to her that i cant 'handle' her. Its heartbreaking for me. I know that she has to feel left out because she sees her little half-brother living her with me and my fiance, and im sure she wonders 'why not me?'. I talk very openly with her, and we frankly talk about our emotions and feelings together often when she visits. This seems to help her alot in dealing with the situtaion. She seems to be so very different from her brother and us. She doesnt quite fit in with us and im not sure why. Its very painful for me to watch that, but shes never fit in here with us- yet she seems to fit in prefectly at her GPs.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your support. Your post has been very healing & its also very healing for me to know that theres someone out there that knows how i feel & that i am not alone in this.

Much love to you!!

[rainbow_mandala]

I wasn't ready to be a mother, either, and I was 25 when my first was born.  I can't even imagine how challenging your life has been, especially with the two children you have, you are a brave, strong soul, that I can see for certain.  Our society teaches mothers that they shouldn't ever complain or have bad feelings about their children, that it's "wrong", that it means we're bad mothers, etc.  The fact of the matter is, though, it's virtually impossible to never have a negative feeling towards our kids, it's just a part of parenting.  You add to that not having had a healthy childhood, not ever getting to be a child (I pretty much didn't, either), being in suffocating, abusive relationships, not having much outside support, and add on top of all that your children having behavioral problems, it's amazing that anyone could make it through with their sanity intact.  You clearly have, though, you are a bright, articulate person with a strong sense of self-preservation and wanting to do what's best for everyone.  Now you are having to come to terms with the fact that you need to take care of yourself.  Not just because of the sake of your kids, but for YOU.  It's not a selfish thing to do, please know that.  This is something that was difficult for me to come to terms with...taking the time to nurture myself isn't selfish because it shows that I have enough respect for myself that I'm allowing love to come into my world, the power of healing to penetrate my soul, the gift of increased awareness to help me navigate my path.  So, yes, you do deserve it and you will start feeling better if you allow yourself to.  Therapy is awesome, finding someone you resonate with is key, that can be challenging, but once you do it's very helpful.  Just having someone to talk to and give you feedback can be very powerful.  Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" is AMAZING, I highly recommend it...it'll really help put things into perspective and help you see that it is possible for things to get better, both internally and externally.  Meditation is also a powerful healing tool...there are many resources online that will help you get started, if you don't do it already.  Yoga, being in nature, taking the time to breathe and reflect on how you're feeling, just allowing yourself to BE, is so important.  Even if it's just for 5 minutes a day, it will help a lot in the long run, trust me.  You'll get through this...I see your strength and determination so clearly, you are a powerful being 

[HuntressMother]

Hello & thank you for that beautiful post! You made me tear up.

Your words are wonderful to hear and are very healing for me. It always helps to know that youre not going through something alone. I really understand about how society has conditioned us to into believeing what a 'good mother' & 'bad mother' is. I thought that I wasnt effected by that, unti today when I relised that i am VERY effected by it. My mother had her first chid when she was only 14 years old & she also became married at that age. The baby lived for only a month before dying from a hole in her heart. My mother also became pregnant to escape her abusive father & brother, who both sexually, physically & mentaly abused her, her mother & sisters. Her husband & the father of her child that passed became a very abusive alcoholic & physicaly abused her. She still has the scares to prove it. 

All of this trauma in her life at a young age, lead her to be  very demanding and protective ( in her own way ) of what happened to her children, esp. me. She felt the need to protect me, her daughter, more so than her son because of losing her first little girl and expeirencing the things that she did. As i grew olded, i ended up going through VERY similar things in my life. And of course i became pregnant at a young age as well. This was very hard for my mother to except because she toldmbe so so many times 'please dont do what i did! dont get pregnant young'- i had heard those speeches from her many times, but i did it anyways and i can fully understand why this was so difficult for her to except.

After i gave birth to my daughter, she quickly began telling me how i should mother her. She would always make me feel very guilty for letting someone babysit for a night while i had a 'time out' for myself. She would always fill my head with terrible images of things that could happen to my baby & how a 'good mother' 'never leaves their baby' with someone else.  Of course its easy to understand why her mind functions in this manner about motherhood. She suffered an unbelieveable loss at a very young age. When her baby died, she felt like she could have done something to prevent her death from occuring & she felt that she didnt cherish her enough nor did she spend enough time with her- even though she was with her every waking minute. Im sure that many many mothers who have losted a child feels the same.

I guess years of listeing to my mothers stories scarred me into her thinking patterns about what defines a 'good mother'. Now its hard for me not to feel horribly guilty when I admit that I need a break or when i admit that my kids arent the most plesant  children to be around. I have only recently ( earlier this year ) taught myself to tune her out when i need to and to ignore her judgments- but the scars are still there,obviously. Its a work in progress. I have to retrain my brain to think that ' i am not a bad person for wanting a break & that i deserve one'.  I have to convince myself until i believe that its okay to 'not be able to handle it'. I work on that a little bit every day.

Thanks for suggesting ' You can heal your life '. I am actually watching the movie on youtube as we speak & i plan on picking up the book when money isnt so tight. Im a huge fan of 'law of attraction' books and movies. ' The Secret' & ' What the bleep do we know' is among my favorites.

Thanks again for kind words and support. It really makes a difference. Im feeling much better tonight.. 

[Momm4]

Glad to see you are feeling better.  Hopefully if you do get a chance to work with a therapist, he/she will help you in a practical way, to help you to reach your goals, as well as discussing the past, and your feelings.  It sounds like you might have the goal of going back to school, for instance.  Perhaps you could visit with the local colleges to see what the process would be to get started, even if it's just one class at a time.  You probably qualify for financial aid, including student loans, but since there's a calendar for that, it takes awhile to get that all set up sometimes.  Did any of your family go to college?  Sometimes if you are the first one to go, you don't realize how doable it is.  You could probably get a bachelor's degree with little to no upfront cost to yourself if you and your husband have a lower income.  For instance, what about getting a teaching degree?  It sounds like you are a wonderful teacher, I am very impressed with everything you've taught your son.  Childcare is sometimes even very low-cost if you have a financial need.  If there is no local college, you might want to look into online classes for now, and start taking the general education classes from an accredited college or university that would transfer when you decide what degree you want.

It sounds like a difficult situation with your daughter, with her diagnoses.  It also sounds like you are doing the best you can with her.  Hopefully she will continue to improve, your son will get through the terrible 2s, and you will come out on top!

A sense of humor sometimes helps when things seem rotten.  Judith Viorst and Erma Bombeck wrote some funny things about how difficult motherhood can be, and about how it is not all beauty and perfection.

[HuntressMother]

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on my situation: I have been feeling much better latley- not 100%, but much better than i was..thats for sure. After talking with my daughters grandparents ( the ones that she lives with ) and my mother ( who has been odly understanding ans supportive) as well as my husband- i have decided to let my daughter  live with her GPs for one more year so that she can go to school there. This was a very hard choice for me, but after my husband losing his job and all of the emotional & personal issues that ive been having, i think that it would be best for both her and myself.

She lives only 30 minutes away and I will see her every other week like i have been doing for 2 years. It was planed that she would be comming to live with me this year and attending the school thats rght down the road from our house-but i wasnt planning on my mental state ( or my husbands job ) to take a turn for the worse. Before all of this happened, i was feeling as if I would be able to have her come live here with me..but i know now that I am simply not ready for that yet. I had to MAKE myself be fully honest with myself to make this choice- and i know in my heart that its the best. I really do think that her staying there just one more year ( for school) will give me time to get myself together and heal. This will also allow us time for DH to find another job, and maybe even a job for myself-im not sure yet. I have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time, i can only do what i can do and that i should ALWAYS be honest with myself about things, even when its difficult.

I also wanted to tell everyone thanks again for being so supportive- your words have helped me so so very much. I also wanted to really thank those of you that suggested  ' You Can Heal Your Life' to me- though i dont have the money to buy the book right now, i have watched the movie a few times and it has really helped me.  I have started doing my affirmations & i have began replacing negative thoughts with affirmations- this has really helped me and i know that if i stick with it, it can only get better. I really do want to change my life- an now, i know that i can do that. Ive also noticed that its been a bit easier for me to just let go...let go of things that i cannot change and just accept things as they are and care less about what others think of me or my choices. This is a work in progress, but for me- this little bit of improvment makes a HUGE difference.

In other news, our car decided that it was going to stop working for us last week. Were not sure whats wrong with it, and will not know until later in the month when a friend of ours is going to have a look for us. Until then, DHs step father was nice enough to let us borrow is truck to drive while he is on the road ( hes a truck diver ). Maybe this issue will be resolved soon.

I will do my very best to keep everyone thats intrested updated in our situation. I know that things are about to change big time for me- i can feel it in my bones. I now understand and accept that i have too do what my HEART is telling me is best, not what my mind or others suggest to me. I actually had an offer from my mother to go stay with her for awhile and take a break from it all. She said that she would help watch the kids and give me a 'break' to work on myself and figure out exactly what i want out of my life. That sounds so very good- but she still lives with my stepfather, and after everything he has put me through, i could never bring myself to live in the same house as him, much less allow my children to do so. 

Oh well- who knows. Im sure some other option will open up to me to give me what I need. I just hope that it does so quickly...

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by HuntressMother 

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on my situation: I have been feeling much better latley- not 100%, but much better than i was..thats for sure. ...

I also wanted to really thank those of you that suggested  ' You Can Heal Your Life' to me- though i dont have the money to buy the book right now, i have watched the movie a few times and it has really helped me.  I have started doing my affirmations & i have began replacing negative thoughts with affirmations- this has really helped me and i know that if i stick with it, it can only get better

  I'm glad you are doing better!  Good for you for making a decision about your DD based on what is best for both of you.

You might check your local library and see if they have some self help books. There are several other good ones. I don't want to be too specific because then you might be upset if they have a different one that I didn't list, and it might still be a VERY good book!

I'm not 100% perfect about my affirmations or my gratitude journal. It's doesn't have to be perfect.

The important thing is that you are feeling better and that you are learning tools to feel even better.

[kayleesmom]

wow you have been through so much. please keep us posted.

big hugs.

[boldlily]

I found your post while doing a search on my feeling got of hoplelessness. I, like you, was a young mother. Somehow finished my BS at the older age of 36. Gave up on Men...figured I would sell Pharmaceuticals , make money fast to educate my Son. Had the whole plan worked out knowing I was behind the curve.  Got a job with GSK after graduating. Sure enough...was making money. Even won a trip to San Diego Super Bowl. Yippeee! Hopped in a Rickshaw to get to my Hotel. The Rickshaw driver  (est40mph) slammed his breaks, I was ejected and left with a Traumatic Brain Injury. To briefly end this and make my point...I slipped down hill FAST. I asked a caring individual if it ever gets better...He replied, perhaps...yet it often gets worse before getting better. His response left me numb but I think he was just preparing me. No sugar coating.

Truth is LIFE IS YOUR PERSPECTIVE. The concept cannot be explained...only lived with blind faith. Rise above the challenge or enter and bed down in a world of helpless entrapment. I hold in my heart a new respect and heroism for those humbled by the courage to meet the monster wanting to eat. You are a shining STAR......PLEASE SOAR!!!!!! All my Prayers

[HuntressMother]

Thank you so very much for your reply. It was amazing...I have no words. MUCH MUCH love to you. <3

[HuntressMother]

Hello again all. I wanted to stop by and give everyone an update.

My emotions have still be quite rough at times, but for the most part, I am hanging in there. I have been doing much better about staying positive and commiting to change.

Latley, I have been have some VERY seriously scary panic attacks. To the point I feel that im going to die of a heart attack.  The first attack I had was when DH and I was picking our kids up from their GPs house. I was feeling very good that day and had very low levels of anxiety/depression.  On the way, my chest being to tighten and become heavy and I felt like I couldnt 'get enough air'. It was very uncomfortable. Shortyly after the tightness set in, i begin to feel dizzy and faint..most likley from the fact I that I was trying to 'get enough air' for over 20 minutes. I used all of my breathing tecniques to help calm me, but they failed. I couldnt understand ( and still cant! ) why I was having a massive panic attack on a day when I felt very little anxiety at all.  On the way home, I was barely able to squeek out to my husband  " I think I should go to the ER " and right after my left arm begin to tingle with a pins and needles feeling.  I seriouly thought " Oh my god. Im going to have a heart attack, right here in the car with my kids and husband watching...".  Even though I felt no pain in my chest or left arm, I thought for sure this was it. I was telling my self over and over not to fight it, it would only be more painful.

This epsiode begin to get better when I was about to leave ( we took the kids home first ) for the ER. Shortly after it passed, I did a bit of research and discoverd that a panic attack can, in fact, feel alot like a heart attack- with the strange sensations in the left arm and chest. I was afraid to go to sleep that night, just in case I was wrong with my self- diagnosis.

The following day, i had another attack, though it never got as bad as the pervious one. But it was still enough to get my attention fully. I had to stop all activity and remove myself from the situation ( which was again, not stressful ).  I had another the following day, smaller and less scary than the one before.

Today I decided that I cannot take these random attacks along with unpredicatble bouts of depression and suffering from my OCD. I decided that I was either going to find out a way to pay for help, sale something of mine if i had to, or just have myself commited. So i sucked it up, called the ex ( or almost ex..) and told him that I am applying for medicaid tomorrow, and that he will be made to pay child support when I do this. He didnt have much to say, but then again- i wasnt asking.

So my plans are for now: Apply for my medicaide tomorrow, wait for the 45-50 odd days it takes to process and get refered by a general practice doctor to a therapist/psy. for the help I need. I have to face the facts- my anxiety is out of control, along with my OCD and I feel like im teetering on the edge here..and i really dont want to fall off. I dont enjoy much of anything anymore- Im 23 years old and the last time I drove a car was over 10 months ago..because my mind wants me to believe that something horrible will happen to me if  i drive. My husband has to drive me everywhere. I almost fear to be around my children for the fear of having an anxiety attack, brought on by one of my special needs daughter's fits or my 3 year old ODD sons tantrums. I cant enjoy them..I feel like im just trying to survive the day.  I also know for sure my BP has been spiking WAY up..i feel like my eyeballs will pop out of my head at times, and I know this isnt good. So i plan on having my heart and BP fully checked as well. I have to get well..not just for my children and my husband...but for me. I deserve a life. A happy life. Full of joyful expeirences and making memories- not catuastropic images and regrets.

Im looking forward to therapy. I called today and had a chat with a friend of mine that is a psycologist. She fully believes that I am Bipolar. Im starting to believe her.  I never know how im going to feel or react to things. One day, I LOVE being a mother and Im trilled to death to be with my children every second of the day and teach them and give them hugs and kisses.The next day, I sleep for 11 1/2 hours and spend most of the day hiding out in the bedroom while DH takes care of DS and his tantrums in the living room and I cringe with nausea when I hear DDs school bus pulling up. Im so tired of all of this. I want to live. REALLY live.

Thank you all again for all of your replys. They mean more than words can say to me. I could spend hours re reading them over and over . Much love to all of you.

I will update everyone ASAP.

                 

Thank you.

[Linda on the move]

I'm glad you are taking steps to really take care of yourself! You have a good plan in place.

Panic attacks are bizarre. I know the steps to take during a panic attack sound simple, and yet how very very hard they can be during an attack.

Take it one day at a time.