Hello everyone. First of all,i want to apologize for how long this post is. I have alot of 'issues' right now and I have no one to talk too. My husband is a great guy, but never knows what to say & my parents arent even an option. I dont have many close friends that I can talk with that will listen without judging me- so i came to you guys. I feel very hopless, loss, alone & trapped & I dont know what to do anymore. I need support and advice before I throw my hands up and run away from it all.
First, i should start by telling you all that I am a young mom ( 23 ) of 2 kids ( 2 & 5 ). I became pregnant with my daughter when i was only 16 to escape an abusive stepfather at home. I tried running away, telling school counslers & friends parents, but nothing worked. So, my then boyfriend and I decided that we where ' in love ' and that the best thing to do was to get pregnant so that we could get married & i could come live with him. So, i dropped out of high school and did just that.
Of course, this was a VERY stupid choice to make, but i went through with it anyways. I knew that I wasnt ready for a baby of my own nor did i want a child of my own at that time- i wasnt even sure if i EVER wanted kids of my own after helping my mom practicaly raise my 3 neices. I quickly discoverd that this was a mistake, but by that time I felt that there was nothing I could do but ' bite the bullet ' and live with it- after all, anything was better that dealing with my stepdads abuse.
So, i gave birth ( i was 17 now ) to a beautiful baby girl and all was well for awhile. I had alot of help from my exhusbands parents at the time ( we where living at home with them ) and it made my role of new young mom alot easier. This was a blessing. Around the time my daughter was almost 1, my then husband joined the Army and we where relocated to CA. I live in GA, so this was ALL the way across the country away from my family. I was sacred- i didint even know how to drive yet! But- I made the move and was excited about finally having my own home.
After about another year and a half, my then husband became quite abusive to me also & was placed in a mental insituation for alot of serious disorders. We both decided that we when not happy, and a divorce was the best thing to do. There was no fighting over what went to whom- it was quite peaceful. We went our seperate ways and I moved back home with my ex-inlaws until I could find a job. I did so quickly & moved out with my daughter.
About 9 months after my divorce, i started dating a high-school sweetheart of mine & was very happy. He got along with my daughter & the 2 of them became fast friends. We soon moved in together & became engaged. I was thrilled. Until about 4 months later, when I found out that i was pregnant. I explained to my fiance that I wasnt ready for another baby and had too much on my plate right now. He agreed and I made an appointment to have an abortion. The day before my appointment, the 2 of us has been arguing about something and he confessed that he didnt want me to have an abortion & if i did, he wanted nothing to do with me. I was angry and confused. I didnt know what to do- I didnt want to lose him & put my daughter through seperation all over again but I knew in my heart, that having a baby wasnt the right choice for me. I tried to explain this to him, but he wouldnt hear of it.
So, i finally decided to 'suck it up' and have the baby. I told myself ' ive done this once, i can do this again'. In a effort to make the best out of the situation, i went for un unassisted birth and learned as much as i could. I became excited about the birth- but fearfull & a bit resentful of motherhood. I would ignore my fear and hold it inside. I would distract myself with something.
I gave birth to a big beautiful baby boy. No, this isnt what I wanted but I set out to be the best mom possible ( in my eyes ) : Breastfeeding, cosleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, no vaxing, no circing so on and so forth. It was an amazing expeirence for awhile. Then when my som became colicky and cried constantly, it was almost too much for me to handle. I mean he cried ALL THE TIME and it was horrible. Luckily, the grandmas would keep him for me on the weekends every now and then for a break- this helped, but not enough. I wanted to run,but i loved my so too much. The stress became so much that I sent my daughter to live with her Grandparents- i simply cannot handle both kids, it breaks my heart, but it is true. My daughter has lived with her GPs since my son was born..and hes over 2 years old now. She stays with me every other week and sometimes longer, but not most of the time.
She was diagnosed with ADHD & SPD. She became very difficult to handle a few months before i became pregnant with my son- she was TOO much to handle for almost everyone. She would take turns staying with her dad for a bit, and both GPs and her aunt- everyone had to have breaks from her. Luckily, she outgrown much of that and her meds have helped her- but i stil cannot tolerate her for long periods of time without having a mental break down.
Recently, i have been through ALOT- my husband lost his job ( he still dosent have one ), we almost lost our house, I found out that I was hypoglycemic, my father had to have surgury, our AC broke down and we where in 102 degree temp for 2 days.. and my 2 year old has turned into a little monsted. He stomps on out kitten and laughs at her pain, he hits and says he hates you, he wont listen to ANYTHING we say. Consequences dont effect him AT ALL: we've tried time out, spanking ( last resort ) , taking away him toys and activites and many other things to no avail. I love him, but hes horrible and I cant stand to be around him. I try to love him and show him affection to comfort his anger, but it dosent work. I understand that alot of it could be 'terrible 2' s but im telling you- alot isnt.
Ladies, i feel like a HORRIBLE mother and person. I hate admiting that I cant handel it. I feel so worthless and hopeless and I hate saying that I cant handle it anymore- but i just dont have it in me. His GM kept him last night to give us a break and when he came home today i wanted to cry- he was horrible. I just wanted her to keep him.
I feel so trapped. I never got to have a child hood or go back to school or have my own car- ever. Even as a child, my parents when through a very ugly divorce and I went through horrible, scarring trauma- i never had a childhood & freedom. I understand most of this is MY FAULT- i made the choice to get pregnant/stay pregnant- but I am not happy!
These feeling of being trapped and unhappy have been building since my son was born. He is a very smart little boy, above average even. He knows over 50 sign laungage signs, can count almost to 20 in spanish, knows 50 or more spanish phrases, can count up tp 20 in english, speaks in long sentences with correct grammer and knows alot about geography & music- and I taught him all of this myself. Now, i cant even get motivated to potty train him or take him outside to play, my fiance does all of that and then complains to me, after we've put him to bed, about how difficult and annoying he can be & how hateful he is becoming. I feel horrible.... I mean, this is my little boy, whos sweet little eyes looked up from my breast to find mine & smile, spilling milk from the corners of his mouth. Why do i feel like i can no longer handle this? Why does it feel, honestly, so unhealthy for me to stay?
I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone with noone to talk to that will listen or understand. I dont blame you if you think im a bad person- i feel like one.
I hold having this child against my fiance as well because he asked me to do have him & ignored my feelings even though he had never raised a child before, and I had- and now he just dont seem to understand why i feell this way. It feels very unfair. When he has a job, i use to be almost jelous of him because he didt have to stay here with the kids all day and I did. after my sone was born and he cried all of the time, my fiance admitted that we should have listened to me & that we shouldnt have had the baby. This pissed me off so so very much. You can understand why, im sure.
I dont feel like this is healthy for me and I know that I cant be a good mom for my kids when I feel like this- but, i dont know what to do ladies, i am lost and hurting badly tonight.
If you have any advice, i would love to hear it. I really need it right now.
Thanks is advance.
Edited by HuntressMother - 6/26/11 at 7:38pm