When to stop waiting...

[Ansley]

When did you decide to stop waiting on your ex to come back or for your relationship to change and return to how it used to be?

I have been waiting a year. I don't think this is a long time and I'm still not ready to go out and date other people but I think I am getting tired of waiting for him. The ex is still constantly telling me he misses me and what we had, and even said this past weekend that he is going to start looking for a job and an apartment here to be closer to me. I don't completely believe that he will follow through with those plans so not going to hold my breath on that one.

[Dacks]

I can't give too much perspective, since I don't have a kid with my ex. I know your situation is pretty complicated right now and ((hugs)) for that. It might be a good idea to put your foot down, insist that your communications relate only to the care of your daughter. His pressure to leave you in the wings emotionally could be a really unhealthy control tactic. If you have been without him for a year, then you know you can live without him! Easier said than done, but try to give yourself that extra emotional distance from him and maybe you will find that you like the freedom to date (or not date) without wondering what he is doing right then.

[Kwan*Yin]

I wouldn't wait period. People rarely change and it sounds like his actions speak louder then his words. I would move on with my life and if at some point we reconnected and it felt right I would give it consideration. Sometimes too much has happened for it to be worth going back into a relationship. I think it is easy for people to want to fall back into what once was. It typically is a fantasy though. There was a reason why it didn't work it. He should stop leading you on with false words. Just move on with your own life and go from there. 

[mimim]

It won't ever go back to how it used to be. That's not they way the world works, unfortunately.

If I remember correctly, you were with this guy for your whole life, right? It will take a long time to become accustomed to life without him. A year doesn't seem like an unreasonable amount of time to have passed without you "getting over it", but I think if you change your frame of mind from "waiting for him" to "moving on", you will start to feel better soon. At first you will probably feel worse though.

After my most recent relationship ended, I spent a period of time thinking, "Is he coming back? When is he coming back?" Once I realized he wasn't coming back (although I didn't even really want him back and I had much less invested in this relationship than you do in yours), it sent me into a depression for a few days. Once I got past that phase, I felt soo much better and really started healing.

[Ansley]

Originally Posted by mimim 

It won't ever go back to how it used to be. That's not they way the world works, unfortunately.

If I remember correctly, you were with this guy for your whole life, right? It will take a long time to become accustomed to life without him. A year doesn't seem like an unreasonable amount of time to have passed without you "getting over it", but I think if you change your frame of mind from "waiting for him" to "moving on", you will start to feel better soon. At first you will probably feel worse though.

After my most recent relationship ended, I spent a period of time thinking, "Is he coming back? When is he coming back?" Once I realized he wasn't coming back (although I didn't even really want him back and I had much less invested in this relationship than you do in yours), it sent me into a depression for a few days. Once I got past that phase, I felt soo much better and really started healing.

Yep, my whole life. Boyfriend and girlfriend since the 6th grade.

He isn't making it easy for me to get over him. I thought about blocking his number (he calls me every few days and texts daily) but I can't in case there is an emergency with our daughter. But really, he is 5 hours away so what good would it do to call him if he couldn't come right away.

I'm just lost I guess.

[Ansley]

Originally Posted by Dacks 

I can't give too much perspective, since I don't have a kid with my ex. I know your situation is pretty complicated right now and ((hugs)) for that. It might be a good idea to put your foot down, insist that your communications relate only to the care of your daughter. His pressure to leave you in the wings emotionally could be a really unhealthy control tactic. If you have been without him for a year, then you know you can live without him! Easier said than done, but try to give yourself that extra emotional distance from him and maybe you will find that you like the freedom to date (or not date) without wondering what he is doing right then.

He is a little controlling... always asking me what I've done all day, who I have seen and talked to, where I have been, etc.  I don't always tell him (isn't much to tell anyway lol). I know it isn't any of his business, we are not together. I have told him that before and he didn't get "mad", but I could tell it bothered him when I chose to not answer him.
 

[Ansley]

Originally Posted by Kwan*Yin 

I wouldn't wait period. People rarely change and it sounds like his actions speak louder then his words. I would move on with my life and if at some point we reconnected and it felt right I would give it consideration. Sometimes too much has happened for it to be worth going back into a relationship. I think it is easy for people to want to fall back into what once was. It typically is a fantasy though. There was a reason why it didn't work it. He should stop leading you on with false words. Just move on with your own life and go from there. 

He is supposed to be getting married in October. If he does actually get married and then somewhere along the way they fizzle out, there is just no possible way I could "reconnect" with him. I love him more than anything but it would just be emotionally taxing to me knowing that he was married to someone else when we were supposed to be getting married soon. I'm not sure I could handle being with anyone who has previously been married... I just view marriage as a one time thing that is/should last forever once it happens. I know things happen and sometimes it is for the best to divorce but I guess I just live in fantasy land in my head.

[rubelin]

I stopped waiting for him to come back the day he moved out of our house. We were together for almost 10 years and have 2 kids together (who were 7 & 3) and it was hard but I had to move forward. The relationship became a business one revolving around our kids. I had to take the friendship out of it and anytime it started to sneak back in, it was like a stab in my heart so I just wouldn't go there. I did go through some times when I really missed him and I think he went through similar, but luckily those times didn't coincide so we were never longing at the same time. It's been 4 years now since he left (and the marriage was really over 6 mo before that) and I can now fully say that I am not romantically interested in him AT ALL. Most of my friends have experienced that it takes about half the time you were together to be completely over it, but there are benchmarks along the way.

I know it's hard but you are making it so much harder on yourself. You have to release him, and release yourself. If it is meant to be then there's nothing you need to do about it. You can't stop love from coming to you if he's truly your soulmate but I think by getting engaged to someone else and breaking your heart, he's proved that he isn't that. Your soulmate would never hurt you like that. There is better out there for you, but you must let go of this man, start treating him as only the father of your child and nothing more. He has no right to any part of your life, except for the legal relationship of sharing a child.

[BabyBearsMummy]

If it were me I wouldn't bother wasting a single second of my life waiting on him. If he loved you and your DD and wanted to live as a happy family he would be taking action to show it. Talk is cheep its action that shows the truth beneath.

ETA: I was done waiting for my ex long before he even realized it. In fact long before I was willing to admit it to myself. By the time the door hit him on the ass I knew I wouldn't waste anytime waiting for him to change. Its never going to happen he who he is and I will not live that way or have my daughter live that way.

[meemee]

dont worry mama. when its been since 6th grade (yikes dd is going to be there in a couple of years) your heart is not going to let go easily. 

it will happen. when your heart is ready. 

and believe you me - it can happen in an instant. without realising you were already done.

we had been separated for 18 months. i still wanted my ex back. then he came to drop dd and the person driving was his gf whom i had never met but with whom he was cheating on me since dd was 2 months old. 

omg - i was shocked at my reaction. no anger. no sadness. but an incredible curiousity about what she looked like. 

wow i felt hit by a ten tonne truck. to say i was elated was an understatement. i was in a high manic state for the whole night. next day i gave my landlord notice (we separated from that apt where we'd lived together and where dd had been born) and life was never the same again. BUT i was over him. forever. 

[Ansley]

I dread the day that I meet his girlfriend. I haven't actually seen her but have been told what she looks like by his mother. His family still considers me their family. I wonder how that will work when he gets married. Guess they will just replace me too!

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by rubelin 

I stopped waiting for him to come back the day he moved out of our house. We were together for almost 10 years and have 2 kids together (who were 7 & 3) and it was hard but I had to move forward. The relationship became a business one revolving around our kids. I had to take the friendship out of it and anytime it started to sneak back in, it was like a stab in my heart so I just wouldn't go there. I did go through some times when I really missed him and I think he went through similar, but luckily those times didn't coincide so we were never longing at the same time. It's been 4 years now since he left (and the marriage was really over 6 mo before that) and I can now fully say that I am not romantically interested in him AT ALL. Most of my friends have experienced that it takes about half the time you were together to be completely over it, but there are benchmarks along the way.

I know it's hard but you are making it so much harder on yourself. You have to release him, and release yourself. If it is meant to be then there's nothing you need to do about it. You can't stop love from coming to you if he's truly your soulmate but I think by getting engaged to someone else and breaking your heart, he's proved that he isn't that. Your soulmate would never hurt you like that. There is better out there for you, but you must let go of this man, start treating him as only the father of your child and nothing more. He has no right to any part of your life, except for the legal relationship of sharing a child.

Bolding is mine... Rubelin said it best.

He is engaged to someone else... I think that is your answer right there about stopping to wait for him.  Don't let anyone control YOUR life. 

[4C-mom]

We had been together for 12 years, and had four kids (and a house, and 2 cars). He left 16 days ago. Even though this is very hard for me.... i will NEVER get back together with him. you can't tell me that you don't love me, you've been pretending to love me for a long time, and that you will never change your mind... move your stuff out of my house.... do that to our kids... and expect that I would ever get back together with you. As much as I miss him, I cannot risk putting myself and our kids through this again. IF we get back together, what happens when he decides he doesn't love me again? I put myself through all this hurt again? i put my kids through this again?

I cannot risk this happening again. When he left, thats it for me. it is still very hard for me :(

Good luck, you will get through this. we all will

[sren]

I second the reply about actions speaking louder than words.  I can't seem to resist trying to find scenarios that lead to the possibilitiy of getting back together.  My brain rambles on about how he might be thinking or feeling and how that might spur him to change.  Then some *action* on his part slams me back to reality-- all of those thought/feeling patterns that I guess for him are based on how *I* would react.  His actions show no love for me.  

So now I am trying to sit with my feelings around the reality that my partner of almost two decades (and father of two young children)  does not love me.  Sad and unreal.

[PiperLime]

It's hard and I'm in a similar place (w/o the new gf) and with plenty of manipulation. I am really angry that stbx is irresponsible enough that I need to be a single mama. Even still, it's hard to stand up for yourself and separate from someone that you feel is so much apart of you. After the initial transition and mourning period, you will feel an incredible freedom and self-esteem that will get you through the emotionally confusing times. *hugs* mama!