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Originally Posted by **guest**  Ok, I'm going to admit it...My PPD has returned and it's in full swing. No one had told me that PPD could return or even start a YEAR after the baby is born!
Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else here has had late onset PPD.
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I had PPD shortly after DS was born. I had intrusive thoughts, rarely left the house, had a hard time keeping house, sat in front of the television for hours at a time, and had no interest in sex whatsoever. I didn't have any support other than DH. Our closest relatives are a 2 hour drive away and we haven't made any close friends since moving here 2 years ago. So, I went undiagnosed and unmedicated. It went away by itself when he was maybe 8 or 9 months. I was going out more and had play dates with other mama's and babies every week.
DS is 13 months now. I took my full year of maternity leave (I'm Canadian) but hoped to be a SAHM. I knew that it would be a hard sell to DH especially because he constantly talked about me returning to work. Being a SAHM was the most important thing in the world to me but DH was stressed out about being the only bread winner and although it would be a little tight I was (and still am) fully confident that with a little planning, we would be fine on his salary alone.
As my return to work date approached the anxiety got worse and worse even though I'd be working from home. I really didn't know how I'd be able to meet all of my deadlines and look after a toddler at the same time until I had a meeting with my employers. I do a lot of data entry, letter writing and customer satisfaction calls. My bosses pretty much told me that I could take my job in whatever direction I wanted and I could make my own hours. I was relieved and my anxiety subsided the first week after returning to work. I made sure I was super organized and had a schedule in place. But...
I was definitely looking through rose coloured glasses. I really don't know what I was thinking. I'm working full time and caring for a toddler at the same time. He's very active. Climbing everything in sight, eating everything in sight, getting into everything in sight and tormenting the dog (With a heavy heart, we've decided to give the dog to my inlaws since my return to work.) When I wasn't working I was so patient with him. I was proud of the mama I was back then. He always came first. But now I know the PPD is back and I find myself raising my voice at him, being physical with him (arm squeezing, restraining his hands, forcing him to sit with me to get him dressed) I hate the woman I'm becoming.
I feel overwhelmed. Like too much is expected of me. I have to be a full time mom, a full time employee, the cleaning woman, the accountant, the cook, the "dutiful" wife, and the dog walker (well, not that one anymore). I'm constantly thinking about all I have to do and I'm losing it. I feel like I'm going crazy.
DH and I had quite the fight about it all the other night. We've always had an amazing relationship. He's a wonderful guy and I know that I'm so lucky to have him and it could be worse but I wasn't feeling supported or understood. He pretty much told me I was being a b*&%h until I confessed to him that I suffered from PPD for the first 8 or 9 months of DS's life. Thankfully, DH's tone changed dramatically after my confession and he asked why I hadn't told him. He didn't know because I felt ashamed and thought I could get through it on my own. It worked for a bit, but now it's back.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I know that if I wasn't working things would probably get better. I've thought about putting DS in daycare and I'm really not keen on the idea but if I'm not the AP mom that I used to be maybe he'd be better off. But at the same time I know that daycare is unnecessary because I work at home... I feel paralyzed and I really don't know what to do. I just know I'm unhappy....blah....
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