How can everything be going so wrong now?

[mugglesmom]

Two weeks ago I agreed to have an ultrasound to look for the possibility of twins and to make sure the baby was healthy and fine.  I really didn't want to have any ultrasounds at all.  Now I have to see a perinatologist and have more testing done.  I’m starting to freak out!  Not only is my no intervention free pregnancy disappearing, I’m afraid I’m going to lose my homebirth too.  Besides the fact that there might be something wrong!  I don’t know what I’d do if something was wrong with the baby.

My midwives are concerned about the amount of amniotic fluid I have and the fact that I’ve been measuring about 3-4 weeks ahead the entire time.  They keep trying to reassure me that it’s probably nothing and we’re just off on the dates. But it’s not reassuring.  I’m worried.  They also have me checking my blood sugar everyday because at the last 2 appointments I’ve had glucose in my urine.  My results have been good so far.  So I don’t know what to think.  Why do I have to see a specialist all of a sudden at 37 weeks?  I don’t feel like anything is wrong.  How could I not know if something is wrong with my baby?

My whole life I’ve known I wanted to have my baby at home.  I was born at home.  I just knew it was what I would do.  I always thought birthing and mothering was what I was meant to do.  I trusted my body to grow a healthy baby and to give birth naturally.  Now my trust is diminishing and I feel like a failure.  I know logically that having the baby at home isn’t the most important thing, that a healthy baby is, I just can’t seem to stop thinking that I’ve failed somehow.   

[AnnieA]

Sorry you're having so much trouble now at the end. Your midwives probably want you to go to a perinatologist because ultrasound measurements can vary depending on the person doing it. I have ultrasounds every couple of weeks due to possible IUGR and the measurements that the MFM doc takes are always slightly better than the preliminary ones that the tech takes.

[Nightswimming]

Sorry you are going through this.  Most likely your baby is fine and you still have every reason to think and believe that you are growing a healthy baby inside you. 

As far as the home birth verses hospital birth goes, while I know a home birth is much more preferable to you than a hospital, know that it is possible to have an almost intervention free birth at a hospital.  If you get any indication from your midwives that they think you will be having a hospital birth I suggest educating yourself on the typical policies and procedures that happen in the hospital you may (hopefully not) be birthing at and writing a detailed birth plan for yourself as well as for the hospital staff.  You have a lot more control and voice at the hospital than you may think you have so remind yourself of this.

Finally, still keep thinking that you are going to have the homebirth that you want...keep telling yourself that everything is going to work out and that you are carrying a healthy baby inside your health body that you will successfully birth at home without complications.

[SuburbanHippie]

Aww Libby, I'm so sorry.  I feel similarly.  I really wanted the least intervention possible with this pregnancy.  Ha!  I'm in the hospital twice a week for NSTs.  I'm taking my blood sugar 4 times a day.  I'm GBS+ and have to have antibiotics during labor.  It's just one damn thing after another. 

I hope everything checks out and things are okay with you and your baby.  Try to keep your head up! 

[saslewis11]

If it makes you feel any better, I've been measuring 3 weeks ahead for months now, and did as well with my first two kiddos.  My hubby is 6'3" so I just grow big babies ;)  I'm so sorry you're stressed 

[RollerCoasterMama]

Sorry you're stressing right now!!

First thing:  I had an intervention free hospital birth for my son at a very non-cunchy hospital.  The nurses were very supportive of it!  It can be done!  This time we're at a more natural-birth friendly hospital.  I had to give up my midwife for an OB.  I have to do blood sugar tests, and I will need antibiotics.  I still fully intend to do things as naturally can be.  I'm taking things I've learned about natural birth since my son and incorporating them into our birth plan.  The doctor and L&D staff are totally on board with it all. 

Secondly:  perinatologists are great for ruling things out!  Earlier in this pregnancy, the tech saw something that looked very frightening all around.  We were referred to the perinatologist and they were immediately able to rule out the scary possibility, tell us what it really was and assure us that the baby was perfect!  It was the best appointment imaginable.  That doctor told us that as often as not, his offive gets to deliver good news...everything is FINE.  They're just more skilled at reading the ultrasounds and they tend to have better equipment than your standard OB's office.

Finally (and most importantly):  please please please take some time to be kind to yourself about this.  A hospital birth is not a failure.  Protecting your baby and yourself by delivering in a different environment when it is recommended, is NOT FAILURE!  By allowing yourself to view it as a failure, you risk robbing yourself of some of the amazing experience that is the birth of your child...NO MATTER HOW IT HAPPENS!  Parenting is full of tough choices, and sometimes (often) you have to compromise on what you really want for the safety and well-being of your child.  Hopefully you'll still be able to get the birth you want.  But I always feel so sad when someone walks away from their birth feeling like they somehow failed. 

[tourist.]

Sorry you're dealing with this right at the end.  Very frustrating.  I've also been measuring ahead (sometimes by 5 weeks!) but neither my midwife nor back-up OB have any concern about it.  They've both been in their respective fields for ages:  Midwife nearly 25 years, and OB for nearly...forever!  My midwife guessed that babe is about 9lbs at 37 weeks so he might just be a big guy.  I measured 40w at my 37w appt.

As for an intervention free hospital birth:  Totally can happen.  I realize it seems like the worst thing, but it can be without intervention.  I attended my close friends birth and she wouldn't ever even say she didn't want an epidural but she ended up with no interventions even though she was there birthing for 6 hours.  Probably the worst part after her birth was staying in the hospital, which is something you can discuss with your care provider about leaving early.

Good luck!  I hope everything works out for your home birth!

[ArcticRose]

I had a completely intervention free pregnancy with my first... right up until I went into labor at 32 weeks. Within a few hours we went from intervention free to c-section, what I consider the ultimate intervention. Was I disappointed? Absolutely! I was also extremely happy that things worked out as well as they did. We had a healthy baby girl and that was all that really mattered. The time in the NICU was so hard, but again.. we went home eventually with a healthy baby girl.

During our DD's hospital stay we spent a lot of time people watching. This was a children's hospital so, naturally, there were tons of pregnant women. I found myslef feeling angry with them, or jealous, or just sad. I knew it was completely ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. I felt robbed of my home birth. I felt I had missed out on the last two months of pregnancy. We weren't planning on having any more children, so I thought I had lost my only chance.

Much of this emotional turmoil went away with hormone changes and rest, but some of it lingered. I am so happy that I get to try this again, and hopefully everything will go right this time. But you know what? If I end up in the hospital again, or even have a another c-section, I know I can deal with it. Yes, I would be disappointed all over again, but this time I know how little it all matters in the big scheme of things. The only important thing is that the baby is ok.

If you should end up in a hospital, it won't be the end of the world. You will deal with it. And you will know that you did everything you could to ensure your baby is healthy.

Hang in there Mama, you can do this!

[lovelylisa]

I know how you feel. I have had two pregnancies now be completely drama free (more or less) until the end, then I get blindsided by some sort of nonsense and then the birth I plan for doesn't come to be.  ohhh I know how you feel and how upsetting it is. 

Mine didn't go as planned but yours certainly still can. I will keep you in my thoughts and keep hoping that you get the birth you are planning for.

[LivingSky]

I'm with you mugglesmom.

Last week my DH and I requested a transfer to a different midwife within the practice we're seeing due to some serious differences in opinion and lack of trust between us and the current midwife. We discussed it at length with our midwife and she seemed very understanding. Today, we get a call from the head of the midwifery practice saying not only can we not change midwives because they're all too busy, but they're also questioning our plan to homebirth and may risk us out.

So now I'm stuck with a midwife who I don't like or trust, and most likely will be stuck birthing in a hospital. We live almost an hour outside of town so I can't safely stay at home until the lastminute before going to the hospital - it's just too far. Our "homebirth" was planned at a birthing suite in town, and we can still rent it but if we want to have a midwife at all we'd have to transfer from there to the hospital - but still pay the cash to rent the suite. Or have a UC which neither DH nor I are comfortable with. Or just cave and birth in hospital where the head anesthatologist wants me to have an epidural the minute I walk in the door because I'm fat and "it may be harder to do further into labour".

[mugglesmom]

  Thank you everyone for the support!     Reading all of your stories is very comforting.  I know I can have the birth the birth I want and I'm going to keep holding out for it.  But If for some reason I end up with my less than ideal birth I know that I have done all that I am able to do and as long as everyone is healthy that's all that matters!  ...at least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.  It really is nice to have a place like this to come and share.  My real life has a very small circle of friends and none too understanding of my homebirth desire.

I was really hoping to find out some answers today.  We had an appointment this morning, but when we showed up the Dr had gone out on an emergency something or other.  Now we have to wait until tomorrow!  Grrrrr!  It was hard enough to wait 4 days for this stupid appointment! 

[mugglesmom]

I am so sorry!  I can't imagine how frustrated you must be!  I don't know what I'd do if I were in that situation.  Is there any way you can convince them to change midwives?  Don't they understand how important trust in your provider is? 

I can't belive they want you to have an epidural because of your weight!  WTF!!!  Now I really don't want to go to the hospital.  I'm overweight too and I would feel terrible if someone told me that. 

I know UC would be a little scary but how about hiring a Doula to join you?  Maybe that would help ease some of the worry?  I'll be sending all to good vibes I can spare so we can both have our ideal births! 

Originally Posted by LivingSky 

I'm with you mugglesmom.

Last week my DH and I requested a transfer to a different midwife within the practice we're seeing due to some serious differences in opinion and lack of trust between us and the current midwife. We discussed it at length with our midwife and she seemed very understanding. Today, we get a call from the head of the midwifery practice saying not only can we not change midwives because they're all too busy, but they're also questioning our plan to homebirth and may risk us out.

So now I'm stuck with a midwife who I don't like or trust, and most likely will be stuck birthing in a hospital. We live almost an hour outside of town so I can't safely stay at home until the lastminute before going to the hospital - it's just too far. Our "homebirth" was planned at a birthing suite in town, and we can still rent it but if we want to have a midwife at all we'd have to transfer from there to the hospital - but still pay the cash to rent the suite. Or have a UC which neither DH nor I are comfortable with. Or just cave and birth in hospital where the head anesthatologist wants me to have an epidural the minute I walk in the door because I'm fat and "it may be harder to do further into labour".

[azzeps]

Oh, Libby, you are not a failure!  Not in the least!  Please be kind to your baby's mama, and don't think of yourself as a failure!!!   You wouldn't tell your best friend she was a failure if the same thing happened to her, now would you?  Please, please be kind to yourself, and realize that there are some things during pregnancy and birth that are just completely out of our control and cannot be planned for, regardless of what we think.  Okay?  I know how it feels to plan for a natural birth for so long, and have it snatched away - it is really disappointing.  It is okay to feel however you feel about the circumstances, but please don't call yourself a failure.  You're anything but!!!

take care

[Gismobabe]

I am really sorry that they are worrying you right now. I had a bad u/s the other day and during the appointment with the specialist it turned out to be nothing (just a small baby compared to the big ones i am used to). Maybe the visit at the specialist will in fact ease your mind?!

BTW I am overweight with a BMI of 33 at the start of this pregnancy and I have birthed without an epidural 3 times (well the first time I had one at 10 cm because my DD refused to turn her head into the birth canal for ours and I could not stand it anymore).

My first birth was a disappointment for me because my whole family seems to have a max of 8 hours of labor and rather go too fast and I end up with a 27 hour labor, delivery with a suction cup and a retained placenta followed by a D&C. But you know: I know if I had not been so prepared and strong willed I would have had a c-section. Even in a hospital they can not make you do things you do not want. 

Of foremost importance is a supportive provider. If you like your MWs then I would go ahead and get the appointment done so you can return to being on the same page. 

Please do not forget that being a mom is very seldom straight forward and you might have to make compromises to work things out.

[mugglesmom]

Well, I worried for nothing.  At the appointment yesterday they measured the fluid, it has gone down.  There are still only finding one baby.  Baby looks healthy and there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about.  Although the dates might be off, they can't tell for certain this late in the pregnancy.  The baby looks to be about 7lbs 15oz and that could be off by 15-20% either way.  I'm still measuring about 41weeks so they say I could go today or I could go in 3 weeks like my original date said.  I guess I should start getting ready!

Also, because I was afraid we were going to hear bad news I wanted to hear something good and we decided to find out the sex.  It's a BOY!  My dreams were right, so at least I have some intuition with this little guy!  We're very excited, especially since we couldn't agree on a girls name.

Thank you everyone for all the kind words and support!  It means a lot to me.

[tourist.]

That's great!  I'm so happy for you that everything is working out.    Congrats on the boy too!

[SuburbanHippie]

That's great news, Libby!  Congrats on your little boy!!!

[artekah]

Awww!

[lovelylisa]

Good news! Hurray!!!

[greenmama66]

Great news!