Two weeks ago I agreed to have an ultrasound to look for the possibility of twins and to make sure the baby was healthy and fine. I really didn't want to have any ultrasounds at all. Now I have to see a perinatologist and have more testing done. I’m starting to freak out! Not only is my no intervention free pregnancy disappearing, I’m afraid I’m going to lose my homebirth too. Besides the fact that there might be something wrong! I don’t know what I’d do if something was wrong with the baby.
My midwives are concerned about the amount of amniotic fluid I have and the fact that I’ve been measuring about 3-4 weeks ahead the entire time. They keep trying to reassure me that it’s probably nothing and we’re just off on the dates. But it’s not reassuring. I’m worried. They also have me checking my blood sugar everyday because at the last 2 appointments I’ve had glucose in my urine. My results have been good so far. So I don’t know what to think. Why do I have to see a specialist all of a sudden at 37 weeks? I don’t feel like anything is wrong. How could I not know if something is wrong with my baby?
My whole life I’ve known I wanted to have my baby at home. I was born at home. I just knew it was what I would do. I always thought birthing and mothering was what I was meant to do. I trusted my body to grow a healthy baby and to give birth naturally. Now my trust is diminishing and I feel like a failure. I know logically that having the baby at home isn’t the most important thing, that a healthy baby is, I just can’t seem to stop thinking that I’ve failed somehow.