Living with a Stage II Hoarder - Page 2

[LCBMAX]

I'm very curious to know what kind of aggressive preparations she recommends, if you care to share that.
 

Originally Posted by sweeetpea 

So I met with the attorney...

She was even more aggressive in how she recommended I prepare, physically and financially, for moving out that my own plans are.  

[philomom]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX 

I'm very curious to know what kind of aggressive preparations she recommends, if you care to share that.
 

Yes, others here might benefit from that advice.

[thewaggonerfamily]

You might want to include computer hard drives in your take with list...

[sweeetpea]

Originally Posted by thewaggonerfamily 

You might want to include computer hard drives in your take with list...

Great point!  We both use our own laptops and do not share any files, so that is not an issue for us, but would be for many others, I think.  I do plan to give him a thumb drive with a copy of all the thousands of photos on my computer, since he doesn't have them.

[sweeetpea]

Originally Posted by philomom 



Yes, others here might benefit from that advice.

the short and not-so-sweet of it is that she thinks he will completely go "round the twist" once he knows that separation is in the works, that he will work to sabotage, destroy and/or block my plans.  She says that I should line up a rental, move some important stuff to supportive friends' houses (since the house is so cluttered, he won't notice some things are gone), and get everything ready.  Once he goes to work, transfer 50% of our joint account into a personal account, call in the movers and get us gone before he comes home, leaving a note where we are, why we have gone, what the child visitation arrangements will be until court/mediation judgement, and specifying that I am not releasing any claim to marital assets, just establishing separate living arrangements so that "we can work out our issues with some distance giving us better perspective".

I am having a hard time with the strike while he is at work plan, though.  If he did that to me, I would completely freak and be fearful for my kids' safety.  One side of me is arguing for some advance notice, just to be fair.  Another side is just sick at the thought of how he will make life miserable for me/us during that day or couple of days after advising him of the plan and before the move.  Also, my kids would do better with knowing what to expect, rather than mom saying, "Hey, we're moving today and Daddy isn't coming."  They are old enough to know what is going on, and will resent not being given any advance notice.  especially my teenage DD.

On the plus side - he has gotten rid of an old bed, some sports equipment and a bicycle in the last week.  Not sure what he has brought in, though, beside two really ugly barstools.

[Ellien C]

This is in fact, very helpful for me. Nothing is quite this bad for us right now. But I could totally see it getting that way. Thank you for posting.

[diana_of_the_dunes]

sweetpea - What about being home that night when your husband arrives and explaining everything in person to him (as well as providing a written copy for legal purposes)?  Maybe have a close friend or family member waiting outside or in another room, just in case things go badly...  This way it's a little more caring towards his feelings, but still safe for you?

I don't have any ideas about the kids.  Maybe you can prep your teenager the day or night before, if she's old/mature enough to handle the news calmly.  With the younger ones, I think any notice would just upset them more.  It might even be easier to send them off to school or a friend's house, pack for them, and then just pick them up and take them to your new place (depending on age).  It's unfortunately going to be traumatic for everyone no matter what, ya know?  

More  to you, and good luck.

[sweeetpea]

Update from very old thread!  It took a while, but we finally made the move.  I rented a house not far away, and had friends help move while the kids were at school.  I picked them up and took them out for ice cream, after which I told them the news.  They were excited about the "new house" and eager to see it right away.  after the novelty wore off, my teenager was furious, as expected, and is still the one who holds it against me the most.  My younger ones are much better.  The youngest has stopped wetting the bed!!!! and the middle one appears to have taken it in stride, although he is prone to temper tantrums more than before.  

I am sooooo much calmer and happier.  Even though H is trying to pull control and mind games, I have a safe place and don't have to walk on eggshells every minute, or hide in the bathroom to avoid triggering his anger.  He still has rooms full of stuff, but has decided he wants "value" for the broken down, crappy furniture and few "joint" items that I took with me.  I purposefully took very little, except the furniture I inherited from family, some of the kids stuff and not much else.  I chose not to take a microwave, a toaster, a DVD player or TV (all of which we have excess multiples of), and would rather do without than ask for one now.  Still working out the kids schedules and money issues, but it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted.

It was, quite frankly, the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done in my life.  But I am so glad I did it.  :)

[mkksmom]

I'm so glad you are in a better place now. I know moving took a lot of courage, and I think your kids will appreciate that some day. My parents moved me suddenly as a teenager, and I had only a few days to pack. I held it against them for a while. Probably for a year or so, but once I really established myself at school, I had to admit that it was the best thing they could have done. Things at my old school were going down hill, and we really did need to help take care of my grandmother. We moved in Oct. and she passed away the following June. I'm now thankful that they ignored my protests and moved me to a better school.

[Brees_Mama]

I'm so glad that things are working out and that you're happy now. I'm sure your teenager will come around.

[kt~mommy]

wanted to say you are so brave and good for you.  i'm not in exactly the same situation, but i know how it is to live in emotional conditions that destroy your family, and to make that decision to leave the situation is terrifying and you wonder about the aftermath of that decision on your children. i do think its for the best, and you're feeling that already. i would be open to the kids seeing a therapist if they'd be willing, it has helped my son a lot, both with the issues about why we left as well as the leaving. also, if you are able to get to a point where you and your (ex?) are on good terms, and can coparent, the kids will benefit and not feel the effects of dad-is-gone on top of everything else.  huge hugs to you, and again know this was very brave and for the best, though surely it wont feel that way all the time :hug

[mom2grtbunch]

Originally Posted by philomom 


Just wanted to add... photos need to show specifically not only the fire hazards or blocked entryways but the way the hoarding is affecting the children's normal lives. Can they still eat dinner around the table? Are their rooms clear enough to play in? Can they access the closets with their clothes or the fridge with healthy snacks? Is the bathroom safe from tripping hazards.... etc, etc. I think its important here to show the negative impact of the clutter on the children's daily lives.

that is also important if you are seeking assistance from him so that you can get another place (rent/spousal support/child support etc) to show to the judge that the enviroment he created is not only dangerous but unhealthy for your kids that you had to seek another residence

[mom2grtbunch]

just readc the update. glad things are looking up